So tomorrow is the first day I get to try and solve this sit..
🕑 Added 2018-09-04 08:04:38 +0000 UTC
So tomorrow is the first day I get to try and solve this situation I'm in. It's so hard to talk about it because my hands are kind of tied legally and I just don't think I can say anything at all. Tomorrow we get the first step to see if I can even get out of this legal thing. If it works and I do get to get out of this legal thing it's going to cost me thousands. I can probably say it has to do with that pretty pink bedroom I was so proud of and so thankful for.
So now it's been a solid week since I've been in my pretty pink bedroom. I've been crashing back and forth between summer's house and violet's house.
I spent all my time getting on cam, filming, and editing. All the time. I rarely if ever hung out. I'm really lucky I have friends even though I like never ever see them. The fact that they're putting me up right now is a huge deal and pretty special.
It's weird to be in this situation. It's like. It reminds me a lot of when I was homeless. Though thankfully I am not sleeping in a car or sleeping outside. Right now I'm getting to sleep on beds even if it's in people's extra spaces and out of their kindness and grace. It's weird when you don't have a home. The first several days of not having a home is awful. The security and the comfort is gone. You're angry and confused and scared. Then after long enough you get used to being nomadic. You hit a point where you're like "Okay dude. Are you just going to sit here crying? Because you can't. Theres a timer going on how long you can even be in this space. And if you waste it crying it's really going to suck later." So that's when I start being proactive. And it's like. You just do. Theres a certain point where you detach. I don't really know what causes it. But when you hit that point. The point where you detach you can't feel the discomfort anymore. You know to run yourself like a machine going through the motions. I guess that's why I did squats almost every single day when I had a place to do them and regular access to good food etc. I just run the motions. I think I've even posted or tweeted about it before.
It's why "When the Levy Breaks" is one of my favorite songs. The drum beat is just defiant, steady, and endless. The harmonica is the pain and the sorrow, but the drum beat is like a swinging hammer that just keeps coming down no matter what. I try live beyond pain in that way. Aware of it, but with a refusal to acknowledge it. That's why I'm good at squats. I know it hurts. I'm aware. But I'm bringing the hammer down anyways. I'm focused on the end not the immediate.
This whole thing is extra hard because I'm just at the very tip of this legal financial ice berg. I'm gonna have to detach pretty hard and hammer away pretty relentlessly.
