DISCLAIMER: ABUSE/FAMILY TRAUMA
“Watch me take a good thin..
🕑 Added 2020-12-19 23:44:35 +0000 UTC
DISCLAIMER: ABUSE/FAMILY TRAUMA
“Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night” is the scariest and most accurate phrase in my life
I fuck everything up
“I hate you, don’t leave me”
This is what mental illness REALLY is. Manic Depression isn’t cute. Guilt isn’t cute. Self harm isn’t cute. Suicidal ideation isn’t cute. Don’t talk to me about mental health until you’ve been laying next to a bucket of your our own 🤮 for 13+ hours because you fucked up again and can’t get off the couch now.
I don’t want your sympathy. I want to not be seriously physically and mentally ill. I want my childhood back. I want to feel like I just turned 26, not like my life is going to end “poetically” when I turn 27 and “go with the greats: Janis, Hendrix, Jim Morrison..KURT, Amy ”... disgustingly placing myself into this narrative as if it is romantic to die early.. as SO many mentally ill artists do, because:
“You can’t finish anything.
You’re not perfect.
You should kill yourself and make the family happy
You will never be as good as _________
You will never accomplish ___________
You make me wish I had an abortion
You are the reason we are getting divorced
*my phone smashes against dashboard*
*thrown out of the car onto the highway to find my way home*
*thrown into boiling water for getting sick in the car*
Everyone has a different level of stress, trauma, anxiety, etc. and I’d never dismiss anyone’s illness, thoughts, or feelings but I try to be as transparent and honest as I possibly can so that I can help other people. I was blessed with this platform for a REASON.
Healing has to start somewhere and most of the time you have to start over a lot. That’s where I’m at. I never want to use my mental illness, trauma, or story as an excuse. What I want is for those I can reach to also understand that talking about your illness should be normalized because it gives so much insight into how a person is who they are and how he/she behaves. The other most important part is open communication and transparency, but when you have an illness it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for anyone.
I guess my point is that healing takes a lot, it’s ok to feel guilt and to allow yourself to feel but you have to regulate your emotions and put things into perspective. I’m not 16 anymore. I don’t get abused physically, verbally, mentally or emotionally by my mother thanks to the no contact rule, I’ve grown this year tremendously but I’m so hurt still and it’s hard to understand unless you’re going through it. Love you.
