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I went to see my master yesterday after the video shoot and ..
🕑 Added 2024-06-23 10:52:43 +0000 UTC I went to see my master yesterday after the video shoot and spent the night with him. Now I'm on my way home, and for the first time in a long while, I'm alone and without a belt. It feels totally strange and wrong đ. But it can't be helped right now: I've had stomach pains since Wednesday, and my master wants my stomach to recover a bit and for a doctor to check it out on Monday. Plus, this way I can clean the belt thoroughly; it's still partially stained blue from the dye đ .Right now, I'm struggling a bit with feeling down. I think I mentioned before that it's sometimes very hard for me when I have to part from my master again. This morning was especially tough đą. I begged him to just keep me there and lock me up in his basement. Of course, that's not possible because I have other commitments in my life. But hopefully someday in the future... đ.
In any case, the separation is always hard for me because there is an extremely big difference between the time I spend with him and the time I spend without him. When I'm with him, everything is very clear and simple: he is the center of my life, and I focus all my actions on him and his needs. I live completely in the moment, relying on him to take care of everything and knowing that it's enough for me to focus on serving him well, taking care of his needs, and following his orders. When we are not together, I should ideally focus on him just as much, but it's much more difficult. I have to make all the micro-decisions throughout the day by myself; I have to structure my day on my own. It's so much harder to judge which decision and behavior my master would like to see from me when he's not there. And it's sometimes hard to motivate myself to a certain behavior when no one is there to see it. It's super hard for me to be in the here and now and not constantly in my thoughts.
Apart from that, it just feels wrong not to be with him and not to be making his life easier. It's hard to internalize that the things I do when I'm not with him are also done because he wants them from me and for me.
I thought I'd give you a bit of insight into my emotional world. Feel free to give me feedback on whether this interests you or not.
