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i'm not really sure where to start this story, or how far ba..
🕑 Added 2023-07-31 22:48:50 +0000 UTC i'm not really sure where to start this story, or how far back to go, although interestingly, out of my entire social circle, you were probably kept the most up to date with the progression of what eventually got me into the pickle i'm about to tell you about. a pickle connected to my plum ami in fact. i guess it's worth mentioning that my partner and i haven't really discussed our boundaries around being in an open relationship, and i've been relying a lot on my moral compass when navigating this new connection. i've been creating boundaries for myself, some of which i've broken, and then felt the need to rationalise breaking, and some of which have locked me inside my head for the past few weeks. 'do not travel together' was one self-imposed rule, so when i decided to visit him in barcelona, i justified that by denying it was a holiday at all. it was a visit. in the same way he'd come over when i lived an 8-min walk away, it just involved slightly more complex logistics. but we did not travel together. 'do not integrate in each other's lives' was another self-imposed bound, which enclosed several elements, as not letting my friends know he's occupying my mind and how much of my mind he's occupying, which for some time literally expressed through not talking about him with anyone. and instead, i kept reiterating how much i love my partner. a side-effect of which, i was hoping (still unsure how consciously), would be getting my mind fully on board with what i thought was right. what it really achieved was almost the opposite. because even with the weekly therapy sessions, it meant that my thoughts are pretty much captured inside my head, which is never good if it goes on for too long. and it's especially not good in a situation that can really only be solved through open and honest communication. and it might have not even escalated to where we are today if i had the courage to instigate a conversation sooner, but i was too immersed in it, in the new sensations my body was able to indulge in, and in all the ways my other senses were equally tantalised. and there is a very special beauty to mystery, and so i didn't want to exhaust the wonder by saying the unsaid. instead i went on daydreaming and fantasising, which started off as an innocent and quite welcomed distraction, and snow balled into a riveting stream of never ending thoughts. it got exhausting, and i basically snapped. we spent last weekend together having a belated celebration of his birthday, which started with a shibari workshop and ended with an acid trip. i constantly preach about set & setting when it comes to psychedelic trips, and yet i got slightly cocky and thought i'd be fine. or maybe i really wasn't aware of how abundant these thoughts are in my mind and how much space they occupy. the timing coincided with a pretty bad week at work and some pressure for writing some comedy material for the stand-up course i was attending. combined with attempts at trying to understand what it is that i feel for this person, guilt from feeling that i'm betraying my partner by even having these considerations, it resulted in an inability to shake off the thought that even if were to admit any of this to myself, to the world, and to this other person involved - it will just ruin this fantasy i've created around him. so since i have not been updating my friends on any of this, it came as a big surprise when i walked in our living room on sunday and in response to my flatmate casually asking how my weekend went, i started bawling. what followed was a somewhat muddled attempt to try and make sense of everything, whilst trying to catch her up on the intensity of my feelings that seemed pretty much non-existent just the day before. luckily, i knew i'm also visiting another friend that day, who very graciously welcomed and beared with my four hour tear-filled rant, whilst nourishing my soul and body with delicious food and wise advice. on monday i signed up for a trial at a local yoga & pilates studio, as i came to realise that one of the best things i can do when my mind is confused and wondering, is to ground through my body: knowing that i'm keeping my body as healthy as i can, and that the mind will soon follow. i went to a yoga class on monday, and attended my therapy session on tuesday, by which point i've had my thoughts a little more settled and found myself in a position to formulate it somewhat eloquently to her. everyone agrees that in order for me to evaluate the situation to the best of my abilities, i am missing an essential piece of information, and that is - how he thinks and feels about this all. and i'm seeing him tomorrow, so this feels somewhat of a fork in the road, but i want to believe i am ready to have an open conversation, even if it might be uncomfortable, even if it will make me feel vulnerable for sure. and i am hoping the outcome isn't a deterioration of our current connection, but rather maybe a slightly different version or rendition of it. but letting go of this fear of losing the magic and instead facing the music - does seem like growing, and it's definitely an attempt at doing something differently from my usual format, which is avoiding & overthinking. so here goes, wish me luck 😅
