ohwhatawoman
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Why I think and create this way?
🕑 Added 2022-12-27 17:30:41 +0000 UTC
I put the coffee pot on the stove and thought about my track I was reeling this morning: I thought about the part in the first minute where I accidentally lengthened the sample, and it ended beautifully with the cool sound of my voice. Then I copied it with this ooooh of mine and duplicated it a few seconds later, and that sound connected so beautifully to the other introductory sample! and I thought "wow so random, but so accurate". Just some coincidence. And I kept stirring the coffee in the Turkish pot and thinking about those 15 seconds, if there was anything else I needed to add to it.
And then I thought about how much of my time and attention those 15 seconds took. And for some reason after that thought I found myself in an imaginary story, well it's imaginary to me, in fact this is a real story. this is the moment of my conception, my parents were 18-19 years old at the time and neither of them were planning a baby, they just had sex and that's it. And I'm now the sperm that sits and realizes itself interesting 28 years after. And it is essentially the same accident that has revealed itself in me as a physical object and continues to reveal itself in me as an artist.
My parents have repeatedly told me how someone came to someone, back then they did not have cell phones and had to calla house phone or just come....They also call me the fruit of love, that is, they did not just fuck, but with love=) I like myself 100%, it's interesting to be on my own, I like the way I think, although my thinking doesn't suit everyone, but that's exactly what I appreciate about myself! Is there any preface to the fact that I just burst into this world and that's why I think and create this way? I don't know, maybe! My parents are complicated people, they didn't have time to learn anything themselves, but they already taught me, maybe there's a connection to my difference as well.
I imagine myself as a wild seed, helped to germinate by nature, represented by my parents. I turned out by accident, falling on the fragile and young shoulders of my parents. sometimes from the realization that it was difficult, I could feel guilt, but discussing such thoughts with the psychologist, she always put me back on earth - it was definitely not something I could be responsible for, because I was just an unaware sperm, which, due to its development, had a clear and short goal: not to die and reach the womb, to sit there and grow.
Only now I can allow myself to be aware of such thoughts and experience such feelings as awareness of the gift of life. because of my mental and psychological development. they have shared their time on this planet with me through the fragile shoulders of my family, and I am grateful.
And that's part of development too: getting to those thoughts through growth, because when I was younger, "be thankful for life" sounded to me like "uh, it's the right thing to do" but now I really put meaning into that gratitude. Maybe gratitude comes when you enjoy your life, I enjoy what I create, it makes me happy.
Life is random and death is random, and it creates a sense of lack of control, which really scares me, but my brain is set up in a way that a sense of fuckedupness follows immediately after that feeling.
What if, for nature, my life is just 15 seconds that should be the puzzle of something? and not something bigger, either. There is a suggestion that nature doesn't think in terms of better or worse at all. It just flows somewhere, like a stream =)
Yesterday I was in the supermarket, there were fish swimming to be sold, they all lined up, clinging to the glass and opening their mouths back and forth. and I thought "yeah I'll die too, we are not much different", but how humanly painful it becomes to know that this fish lives like this, because fish in the river or ocean is not so miserable for some reason. The sadness is not in the fact that it is about to be eaten, but in the way it lives before it is eaten.
Maybe there should be a caption "bare-ass philosophers", I remember when I posted some picture in my instagram from a room in paris where I was standing in the shower or something. and there was also some caption about life, and then someone sent me a publication from an page called "bare-ass philosophers"
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Mark Anthony
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