JazzyZ401
patreon
Life and Page update
🕑 Added 2024-10-30 13:54:09 +0000 UTCStarting this by saying this isn't a sob post. I'm not reaching out for sympathy, but I owe the explanation to all the amazing people who have stuck around to support me.
1: I've bene pausing multiple payment cycles for a while now, because there's been no content flow. I paused this next cycle as well, because you guys shouldn't have to pay a single cent with no sign of progress from me. I have finished pieces that I never posted, and they will be released in the next few days/week as I touch them up in post processing.
2: My re-dedication to my content is starting again. I need this part of my life. It's the only thing that makes me feel less dead inside. This time in particular demands it undeniably from me. I will in fact be posting finished and unfinished pieces again here.
To start with the life update: I allowed myself to spiral out. I started with falling deeply into a relationship that took all of my attention. I let myself focus entirely on spending time with this one person, always giving myself excuses to not focus on my career. Not focus on my art. Fake excuses, petty excuses, doubts in myself that never really existed beyond just NOT doing what I need to do. I'm over it.
Secondly: I allowed the death of my father basically destroy me. I spent every day trying to get to sleep. Trying to get to quiet places. Anything that would make me feel closer to him. While entirely alienating the things that would make him proud of me. Entirely abandoning the small things I need to do to take care of myself, instead of just pretending focusing on everyone but myself would have positive effects. All I ever wanted was tomorrow, not today. I can't live like that anymore, or I won't live like that anymore. I need my life back.
Third: My mother died on my birthday this month. I'm still not done processing that. I don't have a clue when I'll find my way through this current grief. I'm entirely lost emotionally. One second can feel like the world makes sense again, and then everything can fade to black the next. I understand that makes my state volatile, but every part of me comes back to art. My dreams, my ideas, my inspirations, my longings. I have so many ideas. She'd want me to let that all out. She wanted me to share my art with the world. You all are instrumental in having made that a possibility to me, and I hope to get it even more out there.
These things have brought me to NEEDING to share this with you guys. I can't even read the name "Patreon" without instantly feeling unworthy, humbled, and grateful beyond what I thought I could feel. That even one of you would be here for me and my work is just so crazy to me, especially through all the roller coaster my life and output has been these past few years. I have no excuse that can make up for that all. I don't even expect any kind of forgiveness or understanding, but I do intend to give you guys something to still look forward to. The world is changing around us. Let's be a part of it. I hope you all have a beautiful day, thank you so very much for everything thus far.
Comments
Samaru163
I'm sorry for your losses. As someone who has also been in a bit of a downward spiral of late, I offer condolences and hope that you're able to make it out of this quagmire one step at a time.
wayward_pony
We love and support you Jazzy. Take as long as you need to process, consider, work out, and set boundaries for yourself that work for you. I've lost my father, two years ago, and my mother is dying of a congenital disease. It weighs on the heart TREMENDOUSLY. Please, take care of yourself. Also, it makes me very happy to read that you see the temptation to move towards things that can make a person feel good in the short-term but don't necessarily involve building a world one would be happy with. Moving towards things is important, and work on actualizing yourself, and seeing things clearly... and if you find it takes you in an unexpected direction, then that's all the more awesome.
D Banks
get well
