TravelingDreamer
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Chapter 9: Reflections on Youth and Loss
🕑 Added 2024-05-01 17:45:46 +0000 UTCFrankfurt’s skyline drew closer as I drove. I checked into a hotel, then slumped into a soft armchair, my notebook open, ready to organize the chaos in my head—time for a plan.
1. Raise my Gate Traveler level.
There were a lot of Gates on the Map:
• 17 Gates in Europe
• Over 30 in the UK
• 23 in the Americas
• 4 in Australia
• 6 in the Middle East and Central Asia
• 9 in India
• 7 in the Far East
• 12 in China
• 21 in Africa
• 1 on each of the poles
• And another 8 Gates spread between various islands
I opted to skip the Middle Eastern Gates. There was one in Israel, but the others were in Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon. With most of those places dangerous for Americans, a trip for just one Gate didn’t seem worth it. The islands and the poles were also out of the question—I wasn’t keen on spending days in the air or freezing my butt off. The UK Gates had a spooky black circle with a red skull. I made a mental note to check later in the Archive for clues.
So, my total was 93 Gates, or 91, since I already visited two of them. Some Gates would probably be inaccessible, or the threat level would be too high. Still, it was a lot of Gates. There was no doubt I could raise my level quickly. My goal was to reach level 10 to explore the new possibilities that would open up.
2. Figure out my mana and health.
Not knowing how it worked bugged me—I always needed to understand things logically before acting or deciding. Those books deserved another chance. They helped me find my profile—sort of. This time, though, my focus would be on stories about people who had gone to another world. Even if it were pure fantasy, they would undoubtedly have useful ideas or help me make sense of things.
3. Handle all my financial and legal issues and sell my house and cars.
4. Make lists of what to take on my travels.
Some serious digging in the Archive would be necessary to find suggestions for personal comfort, items for sale, gifts, bribes, etc. Research on the internet about camping, hunting, hiking, and similar activities would also be in order.
Books were the easiest to tackle, so I returned to the forums for recommendations. In the past, my Kindle was full of professional literature and biographies, but now it looked like I was a teenager again.
After a week of reading, I concluded that my Health was a combination of Vitality and Constitution, each adding 50 points. Yet, the mystery of my mana remained unsolved. It made little sense that my mana was tied to the Strength or Constitution stats, but those were the only stats that didn’t go up after discovering my mana.
Suddenly, a fleeting thought made me facepalm. While exploring my Personal Information, I reached the abilities list, got excited, and stopped there. The answers may have been waiting in the other descriptions all along.
I poked the word Mana on my profile, but nothing happened. Poked 66 and got a reaction.
Current mana level
Not helpful.
I poked 3000 and got a message:
Maximum mana capacity
Still not helpful.
Poking them again, separately and together, produced the same two messages over and over.
Maybe my attributes will have the answer?
I poked Strength and got a BIG surprise:
Strength
Physical: This Trait determines the intensity of your force or power—how hard you can hit, how much you can lift, and how much resistance you can exert against another object.
Mental: This Trait determines how well you handle challenges, pressures, and stress without breaking down or giving up.
I’ve seen nothing like it in any of the books! The “manuals” were missing vital information!
Agility
Physical: This Trait determines your quickness and ease of motion, as well as how well you control your body, speed, flexibility, and balance. It also affects your physical reaction time.
Mental: This Trait reflects your ability to think quickly, adapt to new information, and draw conclusions on the fly. It influences your intellectual acuity and mental reaction time.
Constitution
Physical: This Trait measures your body’s ability to withstand fatigue and physical hardship, along with your resistance to diseases, trauma, and harsh conditions.
Mental: This Trait reflects your confidence and mental resilience, as well as your ability to remain true to yourself and your ideals under pressure.
Vitality
Physical: This Trait determines your energy, vigor, and activity level, as well as your longevity and physical appearance—how young and vibrant you look.
Mental: This Trait reflects your sense of aliveness, engagement with the world, and enjoyment of life. It encompasses your sense of wonder and excitement, with higher levels making you feel younger and more vibrant.
Intelligence
Physical: This Trait governs your body’s ability to detect and balance critical chemicals and hormones for optimal health. It influences how your body intuitively engages muscles, maintains good posture, and learns new movement skills—the speed at which something becomes muscle memory.
Mental: This Trait determines your capacity to learn, understand, and apply new knowledge. It includes your ability to adapt to new or challenging situations, solve complex problems, and infer or perceive information. High Intelligence allows you to learn spells faster and grasp underlying principles, truths, or meanings.
Wisdom
Physical: This Trait governs your body’s ability to interpret sensory input—how quickly you respond to pain, heat, or cold—and its ability to recognize and communicate its needs, such as requiring movement, vitamins, sunlight, or rest to thrive.
Mental: This Trait establishes your ability to apply knowledge, especially in novel circumstances. It includes the capacity to make decisions based on a blend of knowledge, experience, and intuition, as well as learning from personal and others’ experiences. High Wisdom helps adapt spells, combine spells in an innovative maner, and create new spells.
Perception
Physical: This Trait determines your body’s awareness of environmental factors like heat, cold, or humidity. It also governs the sharpness and health of your sensory organs, such as eyes, ears, or nose.
Mental: This Trait expands the range and acuity of your perception, encompassing not just physical senses but also intuitive ones, like the sense of danger or recognizing opportunities. At a higher level, it enables you to perceive intentions, emotions, and divergent viewpoints during personal interactions.
Wow, just wow!
No mention of mana, but I wasn’t complaining—this was amazing.
Wait!
Vitality mentioned longevity. Does this mean I’d live longer if I kept raising it? Affects physical appearance?
I stepped into the bathroom, flicked on the light, and looked into the mirror. The face staring back wasn’t what I expected, and for a moment, I froze. My hair, once light blond, was now even lighter—almost white. Or silver, as they politely call it. My eyes, which used to be purple-gray, had shifted, too. The purple stood out more, while the gray had almost completely faded, and they glowed slightly. But the most significant change was my skin—smooth, with no lines or signs of age. It was the same face that used to make people do a double-take in the ER.
“Too young to be a doctor,” they’d say. Patients often eyed me with suspicion, sometimes outright disbelief, like I’d borrowed a white coat for a prank. The memory brought a small smile.
The year I cared for Sophie and the pain after her death carved deep marks into my face. The difference was so conspicuous that I avoided mirrors like the plague and didn’t want to face them. I avoided shaving, knowing that I’d have to get up close and see the toll staring back at me. Every time I brushed my teeth, I’d tilt my head away to avoid my reflection, and a passing glimpse in a shop window or a reflective surface was enough to make me turn my face in the other direction.
The man I saw back then was a stranger. Dark bags under my eyes from grief and sleepless nights, deep frown lines etched into my forehead, and a sickly gray pallor that no sunlight could fix. My eyes were flat and empty, drained of life. I looked older—pushing forty or more on the worst days—and every time I saw my reflection was a harsh reminder of everything I’d lost.
IT WAS ALL GONE.
My skin looked smooth and tight, as if the years had somehow been ironed away. My fingers trembled when I touched my face. This couldn’t be real. How was this possible? Every trace of stress and exhaustion had vanished, leaving a face that looked like it belonged to someone barely out of their teens. I didn’t look a day over twenty—maybe even younger—a version of myself I hadn’t seen in years. A version I thought was lost for good. I stared at my reflection, unable to process the change, my mouth hanging open in disbelief. The frown lines, the bags, the dull, lifeless eyes—gone, as if they’d been nothing more than a bad dream. My mind went blank, caught between disbelief and shock, like I was looking at a stranger mixed with a memory from the distant past.
And then it hit me—everything. The Gate, the magic, mana, aliens, travel plans, me being represented in numbers—everything. Up to that point, everything had a dreamy, unreal quality, like I was walking in a daydream. Suddenly, it all became REAL. An uncontrollable, hysterical laughter erupted from me. It was so crazy, impossible, and overwhelming that laughter was the only possible reaction. My body felt like it was trying to release all the shock, spewing out every emotion in a wild burst of laughter. I laughed for a very long time and couldn’t stop.
And then the tears came. As quickly as the laughter had seized me, an unstoppable flood of tears replaced it. I cried with big, loud sobs that shook my body, as if drawn up from the very center of my being. Something deep within me was fueling this release, amplifying every sensation, each sob resonating from a place buried beneath layers of control and grief. The pain gushed out of me, as though a dam had finally broken, and everything it had been holding back now surged through, unstoppable, unfiltered, carried on waves of energy rising from my core.
All the pain and sorrow I’d hidden erupted, rushing to the surface without restraint. Memories surged—my mother’s death, the way her family had cast me aside. The years spent in foster care, enduring abuse from other kids and some foster parents. The relentless bullying in high school, the cruel taunts and name-calling. My in-laws’ hatred toward me, Sophie’s sickness and death. Losing her, the void she left behind. Feeling lost and disconnected from the human race. Everything. Waves rose from my diaphragm, pushing sorrow to the surface, intensifying the flood of emotion, loosening even the grief I thought was buried too deep to reach.
My body convulsed with each pulse of this unstoppable tide. My tears and sobs overtook me completely, leaving no room for resistance or composure. Pain consumed me, and I cried harder, louder, half shouting, each tremor echoing that powerful surge, pushing it all to the surface. My emotions battered against me like a storm, the flood unstoppable, making it impossible to hold on to any calm. I cried and cried, allowing the rawness to wash through me. Every minute I wept was a release, a silent farewell to this place, even though I hadn’t left yet.
It was cathartic.
My tears finally stopped, leaving an emptiness that felt peaceful. My emotions settled, and a fragile calm settled over me—something that had been absent for far too long.
The release was precisely what I needed—a way to finally let go of the emotions I’d bottled up for so long. I felt lighter, as if some of the weight I’d been carrying had loosened its grip. The sorrow and pain were still there, but they seemed easier to bear, less sharp.
Cold water on my face relieved my swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Exhausted, I dragged myself to bed, feeling a calm I hadn’t experienced in ages. The weight lingered but wasn’t as crushing as before. As I drifted off, a small, cautious glimmer of hope sparked—a quiet sense that maybe, just maybe, I could heal and move on.
