Brellom
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[Blog] Thoughts about The Grind (tm)
🕑 Added 2022-10-18 23:04:07 +0000 UTCThe Grind
Lately, I've had difficulty creating long-form essays to express my thoughts. Creating an interesting flow of words that both serve their purpose and sound smooth is difficult… But I've been thinking a lot lately.
I've grown tired of playing "the social media game." Removed from the obvious importance it has in my career, I'm starting to wonder if obsessing over success is worthwhile. It certainly feels like the last few years of struggle have been futile, so why continue? I'm earning 67 more dollars than I was 2 years ago, so it's clear that obsession isn't helping. My bills & taxes are no less difficult than they were then.
I think I need to learn to accept that I will never become truly successful. I will never be able to keep up with amazing, successful artists who are getting thousands of retweets and earning thousands of dollars. I just can't seem to cut it; I don't seem wired to approach this career like they can. Whether it's because I lack the discipline or I'm simply too exhausted, I haven't been able to do it the "right way" and utterly despise the philosophy necessary to do so.
Worse, my health has steadily deteriorated over the last few years. It seems I have a permanent cough that I'm never getting rid of, I've stopped exercising, neglected relationships, and I'm wasting away. I am struggling for a whole lot of nothing and suspect I will only get worse as time goes on.
This isn't good. It isn't fun.
31 Days of Female Link
All that having been said…
It's been a good month for my creativity. The Female Link challenge has been altogether enjoyable and I've pushed myself with a number of the artworks. This is only possible because I sacrificed other work, so perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here about the distribution of energy.
While I have started to tire, this is the first time in a while that I have felt creative. Perhaps it is because I am returning to a beloved subject in a way that feels authentic & faithful to itself rather than producing "content" for the masses. It feels more like I'm creating for myself and my friends than anything else.
It is regrettable that some of these works will outright perform poorly due to not being sexy enough - which does upset me - but at least it's been fun. It might be worth doing more daily challenges in the future, as well as more Legend of Zelda content in general once again.
Creative Freedom
I want to make whatever I want to make instead of obsessing over achieving success in the ways I'm supposed to because it is clear that my efforts these last few years have been completely futile.
I'm unable to remove commissions from my monthly responsibilities, but I'm tired of doing this twitter thing and creating content that will disappear in a few seconds, hoping that enough people will share it before then and help advertise my Patreon.
I want to make comics, games, and stories. I want to make REALLY fun illustrations. I want to enjoy being able to sleep and play video games again. I just want to make good art and have fun doing so…
Don't forget to eat & sleep.
Comments
Chwig
I'm there with you. I've started socializing and exercising again from a depression of some odd years. It's hard, but I have to believe in myself. This went on for a bit, but I felt like I had to say something since I sympathize with you
Chwig
I think your frustrated that you aren't where you'd like to be and compare yourself to others. Maybe letting go of those two ideas can liberate you from unrealistic expectations you have in yourself. Which can liberate you from the obsession you have of it.
