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Chapter 1 – The Key, The Goat, and The Madness
🕑 Added 2025-02-26 17:42:38 +0000 UTCThe alley behind the market stank of old fish, rotting vegetables, and desperation. Jack Hou Wu stood at the dead end, hands in his pockets, a lazy grin on his face. Behind him, a half-broken wooden cart leaned against the wall, and next to it, tied to a post, was a scraggly-looking goat chewing on a piece of plastic.
Blocking the only exit, six men from the White Tiger Gang stood in a loose semicircle, all armed—knives, bats, one guy even had brass knuckles. Their leader, Liu Cheng, a tall, broad-shouldered bastard with a permanent sneer, twirled a butterfly knife between his fingers.
"Crazy Hou, just give up," Liu Cheng said, shaking his head. "Boss just wants the damn keys. You give them to me, we all walk away."
Jack tilted his head, as if considering. Then, without warning, he grabbed the goat by its midsection and hoisted it up like a championship trophy. The goat bleated in protest, its legs kicking wildly in the air.
The White Tiger guys hesitated.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Liu Cheng demanded. "That's a goat."
Jack stoically serious. "I grew up in alleys like this."
Liu Cheng blinked, then took a step forward. "What are you even talking about—"
"TAKE ANOTHER STEP OR CUT MY STORY AGAIN, AND I'LL SHOVE THIS KEY INTO THIS GOAT'S ASS."
Silence.
The White Tiger men froze. Every single one of them processed what they just heard.
Then, finally, one of them—a thin guy with a scar on his cheek—leaned toward Liu Cheng and whispered, "We should take his word for it. He's that crazy."
Liu Cheng gritted his teeth but then exhaled, forcing himself to relax. "Alright, alright. I apologize. Continue."
Jack smirked. "See, that's better. Now, as I was saying—I learned a lot on these pavements. Stealing, scamming, fighting… hell, I even sold my body once."
Liu Cheng scoffed. "Now I know you're lying. Rumor has it, your dick is too small to sell your body."
Jack remained completely serious, adjusting his grip on the goat and slowly moving the key closer to its rear.
The goat made an uncomfortable noise.
Liu Cheng's men gasped.
"WAIT! WAIT! SORRY! THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!" Liu Cheng shouted. "PLEASE, CONTINUE."
Jack nodded, satisfied. But he kept the key near the goat's ass just in case.
"So where was I? Ah, yeah. I got beat up by Boss Lu Yi back when I was a nobody. He knocked me out cold multiple times, but every time, I'd get back up. Didn't matter how hard he hit me. I wouldn't stay down."
The White Tiger men shifted uncomfortably.
Jack continued, "That stubbornness caught his attention. Next thing I knew, he was asking me to join the Triad. One thing led to another, and now I'm a lieutenant."
One of the gangsters mumbled, "So… he was attracted to his boss. He's gay."
Jack didn't even hesitate—he pressed the key right against the goat's ass.
"NO! WAIT! WE TAKE IT BACK!" Liu Cheng shouted.
Jack narrowed his eyes. "Not you. The guy who said I'm gay."
Liu Cheng's eyes twitched. Then, without hesitation, he turned and punched the guy in the stomach. "YOU IDIOT, STOP PISSING HIM OFF!"
"Apologize!" Liu Cheng snapped.
The scarred guy, rubbing his cheek, mumbled, "Sorry, Crazy Hou."
Jack nodded then sighed. "You know what happens when you climb up the ranks?"
The White Tiger men slowly shook their heads.
Jack smiled. "It means I don't care about grunts like you."
And then—he shoved the key into the goat's ass.
The goat let out an unholy scream.
The White Tiger men screamed with it.
Liu Cheng's face contorted in pure rage. "FUCK IT! JUST KILL HIM!"
The gang rushed him all at once.
Jack threw the goat like a pigeon taking flight. "Go goat! Be free!" It flailed through the air, crashing into one of the thugs, who collapsed with a panicked yell.
The first guy to reach Jack swung a bat at his head. Jack ducked, grabbed a nearby crate, and smashed it into the guy's legs. The guy tripped, face-first into the ground.
Another thug lunged with a knife. Jack sidestepped, caught his wrist, and twisted—the thug let out a pained scream before Jack kicked his knee inward, dropping him.
Liu Cheng swung his butterfly knife, aiming for Jack's throat.
Jack leaned backward, Matrix-style, letting the blade barely pass his nose. Before Liu Cheng could retract, Jack grabbed his wrist and headbutted him so hard it sounded like a melon cracking.
Liu Cheng stumbled back, nose bleeding, vision spinning.
Another thug came from the side, throwing a wild haymaker. Jack grabbed his arm mid-swing, flipped over his back, and landed behind him.
Then, Jack reached forward and jabbed two fingers into the thug's ass crack.
The thug let out a high-pitched shriek, jumping away like he'd been electrocuted.
Jack grinned. "Pressure points. Gotta love 'em."
The last two thugs exchanged nervous glances but still charged forward.
Jack ran up the wall behind him, pushed off, and drop-kicked one guy in the chest—he went flying back, crashing into trash cans.
The final thug froze. His weapon hand trembled.
Jack smiled. "Smart man."
The thug dropped his weapon and ran for his life.
Liu Cheng was the only one left, coughing blood on the pavement.
Jack squatted next to him.
"So tell me, Liu Cheng… Why did I waste all that time telling my story?"
Liu Cheng spat blood. "Why?"
Jack grinned, leaning in.
"Because I needed to see each of your faces… so that when my sperm becomes human one day, it won't look like you ugly fucks."
Liu Cheng's bloody face twisted in horror.
Jack patted his cheek, stood up, and walked out of the alley, whistling.
Behind him, the goat slowly wandered back, staring at Liu Cheng like it had unfinished business.
Jack strolled out of the alley, hands in his pockets, humming to himself as he left behind a pile of groaning White Tiger thugs.
The moment he stepped into the market, the usual buzz of Chinatown surrounded him—vendors shouting about fresh fish, customers haggling over vegetables, the scent of roasted duck and hot oil filling the air.
People recognized him immediately.
"Hou Wu!" an old fruit seller greeted him, tossing an apple his way.
Jack caught it in one hand, took a big crunching bite, and grinned. "Thanks, Uncle Liu! You know I love free shit."
Uncle Liu just shook his head with a chuckle.
Further down, a woman selling roasted chestnuts handed him a small bag.
"You look too skinny, eat more," she said.
Jack grabbed the bag, threw a few chestnuts into his mouth, and spoke through the chewing, "You're right, Auntie. I gotta keep my figure in case Hollywood ever needs a handsome Asian lead."
She rolled her eyes, waving him off.
As he walked, he started skipping, his hands flailing dramatically as he belted out:
🎶 "A hopeless romantic all my life…!"
A few heads turned. Some teenagers filming on their phones laughed as they caught Crazy Hou in his natural habitat.
Jack didn't give a shit. He spun around, moonwalked past a dumpling stall, then smoothly cartwheeled onto the sidewalk like a deranged ballerina.
His underlings—three men in cheap leather jackets and buzz cuts—were waiting for him at his territory, standing like stiff schoolboys waiting for their teacher.
When Jack arrived, they bowed in unison. "Brother Jack!"
"Ah, my loyal little ducklings!" Jack spread his arms. "Did you miss me?"
One of them, Little Wei, held out a thick envelope. "Brother Jack, this is the monthly protection. We already collected them."
Jack took the envelope, weighed it in his hand, and whistled. "Damn. Feels heavy. You sure you didn't rob a bank?"
"No, Brother Jack!" they said in unison.
Jack nodded approvingly. "Good work. Here."
He reached in, pulled out a stack, and tossed half of it back at them. "Take this, go party tonight."
The three of them looked at the money in their hands, eyes lighting up—but before they could even react—
"WAIT."
Jack suddenly snatched the money back from their hands.
"How DARE you try to go party when tomorrow is the Boss's wedding?!" Jack gasped dramatically, shaking his head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk! Unbelievable. The DISRESPECT."
The three men stared blankly, then just nodded in agreement.
They knew how Jack was.
Jack then waved them off. "What are you still doing here? Go patrol! You can't just take protection money and not protect them. That's a racketeering scam!"
They nodded again, running off.
Jack watched them go, then tossed a chestnut into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.
"Man… I'm such a good role model."
He continued skipping down the street, still humming Cupid.
