🕑 Added 2018-09-18 21:49:03 +0000 UTC
This was my first year at Pacific Fire Gathering. It was intimidating and my running joke has been that I spent days being high in the woods to return humbled but that's kind of exactly what happened. Everyone there was so intimidating when it came to flow arts and fire tools that I felt like such a small fish in a very large pond. The first night, there was a big to-do with an opportunity to walk on hot coals. I jumped at this and spent the hour of heating the fire getting stoked with everyone else. It was billed over and over again as a life changing experience, as a painless wonder no scientist could explain. I was 3rd in line and stepped once, twice... Then my foot was "kissed by fire" as they say and I jumped to the side, leaving the walk unfinished. My body betrayed me but I was determined and got immediately back in line. My friend found me and told me about his walk and stood with me as I made my way back forward. I timed it so the coals would not be fresh and changed my tactics for raising adrenaline. Maybe I had gone in too cold. I readied myself a second time and... Stepped only in the obviously unlit spots, straddled where I could, and generally felt like a giant coward. When all was said and done I felt like I had stared in the face of the void and it had responded "you're not as tough as you think you are".
So I spent the next day in a bit of a haze. It was my second failure - I had tried to attend a class marked as "beginners level hooping" that was way beyond my own skills - and I wasn't sure my place in a world everyone else affectionately called "home".
But that night I ran into a photographer friend of mine who mentioned he had colored smoke bombs. I slapped on some make up and we found a place in the woods where I could remove my clothes. The shoot itself only lasted a few minutes but it brought me back to myself. I sat and watched people practicing and realized that while I enjoy performance and skill building, my role is more than that. I'm comfortable as the Producer. Being behind the scenes and able to bring the talent together is where I thrive.
Next year, I'll bring my laptop and camp out by the vendors in the one spot that has Wi-Fi. Maybe I'll hold auditions. Maybe I will take a class, but I won't carry the weight of failure - Or at least I'll try not to - because I'll have a better footing on who I am going in.
