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International Wedgie Day
🕑 Added 2024-04-03 22:35:27 +0000 UTCThe 2nd of April. International Wedgie Day.
At first, a silly little idea that spread over the internet. A day where you can playfully tug on your friends’ underwear without repercussion. Just like April Fools Day.
However, as the internet grew more popular, it slowly spread around and became more well known, and celebrated by a certain demographic in America. Schools noticed a high uptick in ripped underwear around school premises on the day, and nerds noticed a high uptick in ending up having to bring spare underwear to school that day.
It became something akin to a national day of bullying pride. Jocks, bullies, pranksters all used it as an opportunity to flex their muscles and brains, and show off just how many wedgies they could get away with. And even further, became a competition amongst the more hardcore followers of the day. And so the records began flowing in.
On April 2nd 2010, a record was set by high school senior, ‘Jasper’ Johnson, who managed to collect 102 waistbands in a single day. This was planned and prepared meticulously months in advance, practicing daily in the art of shredding underwear with brutal wedgies, as well as bringing spare tighty whities to give to his victims, just so he could wedgie them again later.
In 2013, a high schooler named Samuel ‘Sorn’ Herald, achieved a record 7 nerds hanging off a single flagpole. No one really knows how they did it, only that between 1st and 2nd period, students suddenly found their school flag replaced by 7 nerds, all tied at different levels on the same rope. Interestingly, none of the nerds complained, as if they offered their services to be wedgied willingly.
In 2018, the freshman ‘Jamie’ Fitzgerald received a record 150 individual wedgies on the same day. He went through 16 pairs of tighty whities in total, and reportedly could not sit down properly for the next week. Allegedly the wedgies were given due to his previous bragging during the year that he would be able to survive the entire day wedgie free, only to turn up to school on April 2nd and immediately get tied up and tossed into the gym changing rooms.
And in 2021, ‘Calab Ozo’ and ‘Andy Cougar’ set the dual-held record for longest time in atomic wedgies. According to an interview with Calab, they had made a bet that the other one couldn’t last the entire day with their underpants snapped over their heads. Starting at 7AM and giving each other the atomic wedgie, to make sure no cheating occurred, the bet actually lasted way past the 2nd of April and into the next day. It only ended when Calab accused Andy of wearing stretchier underwear, and Andy accused Calab of . This resulted in a scuffle in the corridors, which ended when both of their tighty whities were ripped off at the same time. The final time recorded was 37 hours.
These various records and accolades helped increase the popularity of International Wedgie Day, and as those students grew to become adults, the wedgies followed them. Now even poor nerds in workplaces and businesses were no longer safe from the threat of stretched cotton and ripped waistbands over their heads.
The most famous example was in 2025, when congressman ‘Kai’ Miller was given an atomic wedgie during a public hearing by a congressman on the opposing side, Joseph ‘Jojo’ Johnson. Ironically, the public hearing was about bullying in the workplace becoming increasingly common. Allegedly the two then settled their differences in Kai’s office, with both congressmen walking stiffly out of the office, their stretched out underpants hanging out like beaver tails as they spoke to reporters. Together they agreed that such tomfoolery should only take place on International Wedgie Day.
Things rather escalated after that, however. In 2030, a certain bully named Samuel ‘Sorn’ Herald rose to power, becoming the new leader of the free world. One of their first moves was to enact the Wedgie Day Act of 2031. This act allowed all wedgies to be allowed during International Wedgie Day, without repercussion. According to reports, this resulted in a 500% uptick in Fruit of the Loom stock prices alone.
The next few years sparked higher and higher reports of workplace wedgie attacks on the 2nd of April.
Baristas making the wrong coffee order? Enjoy doing the rest of your shift in a shoulder wedgie.
A co-worker being annoying in the office? Hang him off his coat hook in his own cubicle.
A musician struggling to hit the high notes during rehearsal? A nice strong melvin should do the trick!
The CEO of your company deciding to lay off employees? See if he changes his tune after being gift-wrapped in his own underwear for a few hours.
And of course, the new President found much joy in giving wedgies to reporters asking ridiculous questions. It’s hard to get yourself a ‘Gotcha!’ quote in a press conference whilst sitting and squirming in a chair wedgie, after all.
It is now 2033. Whilst some have complained about the Wedgie Day Act of 2031, comparing International Wedgie Day to a bullying form of the Purge, many have also welcomed it, saying it has leveled the playing field, and allowed just a bit of fun back into the office.
We are now entering the next presidential campaign, and the current lead opponent to President Sorn is Congressman Kai Miller, who seeks an amendment to the Wedgie Day Act that would only permit 1 wedgie per person, to prevent some nerds from losing an entire drawer of underwear in a single day. Kai swears that he is not speaking from personal experience.
We have yet to see the two duke it out on stage in a Presidential Debate, but many are keen to see just how the pair shape up against each other, as well as how many pairs of underwear gets shredded that night.
As other countries have started considering their own versions of the Wedgie Day Act, it will be interesting to see what develops. We shall have to wait and find out next year.
Comments
ButterBrat
maybe one dayy
Cody
Oh if only this day was officially recognized
