Faye Daniels
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The HOPELESSNESS of being a Woman
🕑 Added 2020-07-14 20:43:55 +0000 UTC**Trigger Warning** - Rape, Sexual Assault, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Assault of Children**
I’m sitting here and I’ve just watched Athlete A - a documentary about sexual abuse within the US Gymnastics organization.
I cried multiple times. Why?
Because it’s true.
I mean that wholeheartedly but look at the level it has to get to for you to know about it, for these girls to be believed, for ANYONE to look at them and not think that they were lying or that they were just one single person (which doesn’t matter). Think about all the people who covered tracks, who lied to protect people, who went against their responsibilities to protect the female children they were entrusted with.
It pains me. It pains me that it takes all of this - literally HUNDREDS of now full-grown women coming forward and quite literally BEGGING to be heard.
And it’s bigger than this.
It is every single woman in the entire world.
Read that again. EVERY.SINGLE.WOMAN is abused, and sexually assaulted if not raped.
Every woman you know and have ever met. I thoroughly believe that. I can tell you that I don’t know one woman who hasn’t been whether they’ve shared their full story or not. I know that I have been - SO many times. And I know the “look” of understanding I get within conversations where I’m brave enough to share my own experiences. I can look around to everyone looking back at me and their faces say, “yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I know.”
Even people I don’t know have gotten too drunk and said too much (for their abuser to be comfortable with). I remember while I was in Texas I worked with a young girl who had never been to see a male revue - so I took her. While we were in line we were able to upgrade to a VIP table so we could fully see the show. We were paired with another couple of women and before the end of the night, I was adding my telephone number to a stranger's phone and telling her that no matter what, no matter what time, no matter how far when you are ready to leave you call me. I will come to get you and I won’t ask you any questions. Because she hadn’t said it full out but she had said enough and I knew she was being abused. Everyone at that table even though we were pretty much strangers had the “yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I know.” look.
When I was younger and in bars, I used to almost get into full fistfights with men who were trying to take home women who were too drunk or who had something dropped into their drinks. First my friends but others as well. Women who we had stood beside at the bar when we were ordering our drinks. Women who had the table next to us who had been dancing with us for hours but who’s names I didn’t know. Women who let us borrow their mascara or gave us gum in the washroom after throwing up (my friends were pretty messy).
At first, these men are surprised. Then they try to laugh and keep walking. Then they get angry and act as if this woman they don’t even know is their property and how dare I get in their way. I’ve been yelled at, spit on, shoved to the point where I’ve fallen over. I’ve been pushed against a wall and threatened. I’ve been called names and been made fun of. “So what? Just because no one wants to take you home you have to ruin her fun?” “Don’t worry landwhale your vibrators waiting at home.” “Fucking lesbian. Butch dyke protecting her property I guess.”
They’d get angrier when I wouldn’t flinch. I had NO idea how to fight. I would have lost. I don’t think I’d be able to take a punch well but I stood my ground and I was fully willing to take that punch. Normally before they were ready to throw one others had noticed though and they’d form a circle around us - everyone watching. Once everyone was watching they’d normally make some cute comment and walk away. Something to let me know how disgusting I was and that they’d never want me. Jokes on them cause why would desire anyone who needs to sexually assault, drug and rape women to want me? I’ll fully take the L, thanks bro.
What BAFFLES me at this point - is that it still takes SO much for you to believe us. It takes so much for you (the public) to look at us as anything but questionable. Do you understand how worthless that makes us feel?
We are brave enough to get vulnerable, talk about an injustice/crime that has happened to us and we are met with…..wait! What? Let's sit down and have a 4-hour conversation where we rehash each and every single detail 3 times over. Then I’ll contemplate whether or not I believe you for a couple of days….then we’ll see where we are.
I know that so many of the people who read this will be all “not me!” “I stand with women!” and while that might be true - what are you doing to change the mind of everyone else who doesn’t?
I’m dating someone right now. By all intensive purposes, he’s a great guy. He’s gorgeous, he’s successful, he tries incredibly hard every single day to be the best father he can be. In general, he’s someone who’s heart is in the right place. Everyone who meets him (my friends and family has) connect with him easily and instantly like him and invite him back. I also get way too many approving glances and elbow nudges to say “OOOOOOO he’s a good one!”.
But I told him the above and he looked at me one step away from rolling his eyes and said….”Really? EVERY woman? Nah……plus there’s total a culture of women crying wolf when it comes to rape. What about that?”
(I won’t go into how that conversation proceeded and needed but it did NOT go well for him.) At the end of the conversation, I can tell you that while he fully believes that I was raped. That he believes that there are a ton of injustices done to women. He doesn’t believe that “every woman”. He doesn’t think his sisters ever faced that, that his mother did or that his daughter will. But I think that’s less about his intelligence and more about the fact that he couldn’t deal with how that fact FEELS inside him. He can't face the potential hurt of the strong, amazing women in his life. He couldn't imagine who would want to hurt them or why. The whole thing doesn't make sense to him when he pairs sexual abuse to the women in his family. Which, I think is very real for a lot of men.
My point is though that he’s the majority of men in my eyes. I get the same look from most men that I start speaking about this around. They may not say what he did but I’m pretty sure they are thinking it. And even those who want to believe and stand with women - would they do it if it meant losing their job? Would they do it if it meant ruining the career of someone they know? Someone, they consider a friend or a mentor, someone they BBQ with? Would they do it if they had to testify at a trial or if it causes their life any type of upset at all?
It’s one thing to say “I believe women” but it’s another thing to fully stand with them and support them through seeking justice.
The one last point that I want to make is that I don’t think that most men could ever “get it” really. That you don’t understand the amount of abuse suffered in and around some situations. That woman are preyed upon, they are groomed, they gaslighted in - it’s not just the big “abuse” things. So many of us are brainwashed to believe that we are in danger, that no one would believe us, that we are “crazy” or that we being “too emotional or dramatic”. When what’s really happening to us is far darker and doing so much more damage than you could ever realize. The amount of emotional abuse women suffer at the hands of men - trusted men in their lives is unmeasurable. These men hide in plain sight and abuse us in emotional ways to gain power over us, over our thinking and over our actions - to in a way make us their property or some type of slave.
Our entire lives men like to tell us that we are crazy when we speak up, fight back or want justice for the things they’ve done to us. They’ve even created an entire system that makes those things so distasteful, take so long, and the fight too hard. The outcomes so seldom go in our favor that to seek justice seems hopeless.
When I was raped I didn’t report it.
SO many people’s first question is “what? why?! he could do it again!”
He could and I’m sure he did/will. But within that moment, after being raped I had the choice to go home, shower, go to bed or go to a hospital and get a rape kit which can take up to 4 hours once they decide to see me. I was in Texas - I don’t even want to know how much that would have cost. Then I would have to wait at the hospital while the police were called. They would take my statement, I’m not sure how long that would take. They would THEN ask me if I wanted to press charges if they were able to find this person. I was pretty sure he gave me a fake name so what are the chances of that?
And even if everything went my way. Even if I went through all of that. There is a less than 10% chance that they would find this individual, have enough evidence to charge him. There is a less than 3% chance that he would get convicted of his crime and actually be brought to justice.
Hopeless.
Comments
Craig Young
This still feels like a whisper at present. Heard and ignored. We all know it's going on but it seems to stop there and there's very little action going on to stop and change it all. Posts like this are important it's getting better we have so far to go.
Benjamin A. Pete
This is powerful Faye. Thank you for sharing. I know that’s hard to write about and also I can’t even imagine what women go through everyday.
