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Chapter 29.5: Hawaiian Cruise
🕑 Added 2024-05-04 14:05:03 +0000 UTCChapter 29.5: Hawaiian Cruise
Kaua’i, Hawaii. August 2007.
Whenever the weather is on the brink of rain, a lot of us have the senses to tell that a shift is coming. Some people feel an ache in their bones and others breathe in that earthy scent of petrichor.
My poor nose, unfortunately, only caught a persistent and lingering stench of body odor.
It didn’t matter if you were an actor, a production executive, or just one of the many many hands and feet on the ground, everyone and their mother were scurrying hither and dither to prepare for a very special arrival on set.
And no, it wasn’t old Lizzie who jogged out of Buckingham Palace for a morning constitutional.
The particular monarch the set of Tropic Thunder was tidying up for was the king of Hollywood himself, Tom Cruise.
Even Cadbury wasn’t immune to the charged atmosphere and, as a result, I had to suffer two extra buttons on my jacket tickling and pinching the bottom of my Adam’s apple.
If it wasn’t for the fact that the shoot required I looked dirty, grungy, and messy I had no doubt in my mind she would have taken a comb through my wavy locks till they were straighter than the steel rod she’d stuck on my spine.
Real choppers were a fair bit louder than the fake ones. And having to listen to two of them in a single morning wasn’t doing my hearing any favors.
There wasn’t a need to squint; the sky was still dyed more purple than white due to the early hour.
Presumably, Jack and RDJ had met and even worked with him before, so neither were all gung-ho about a dawn procession for their famous colleague.
Donald and I weren’t quite so laissez-faire. “God damn dude, he’s even wearing aviators. He’s climbing out of an aircraft with the sun as his backdrop. Are you sure we aren’t filming a top gun sequel or something?”
“No. If we were, we’d be rocking porn-staches and baby oil instead of shirts.” Anyone say volleyball?
Cadbury was quick to flick me on the lobe where I’d have had a piercing appropriate for that scene had I not already had a firm grasp on my sexual orientation. “Behave.”
Ben had already abandoned us and raced off to greet Tom, who himself had begun shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries with anyone and everyone in his path. Ben by his side and cruise control in effect - the parade moved along with a touch more expediency.
Being a literal step ahead, Gambino got first dibs. “I’m Donald Glover.” Easy on the handshake Gambino. Pump any harder and he’ll have to change his name to Tom Bruise. “I’ve seen Jerry Maguire like fifty times.”
“Nice to meet you, Donald.” Donald may have been a few inches taller than Tom, but it couldn’t be clearer who was doing the looking up in this scenario.
“Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr Cruise,” my turn to get on the roller coaster. “I’m-”
“Not someone who needs to introduce themselves.” He received my hand and clapped his other hand on my shoulder. “I know who you are, Bas Rhys.”
My sinuses throbbed, and I felt the soft rush of wind whining in my ears. I wasn’t sure whether that was the helicopter’s rotors still spinning or the sound of my ego inflating to dangerous levels.
Better to blow that hot wind out now than let it fester and poison my mind later. “I was actually going to introduce myself as your unofficial protégé.” Cruise was candidly and predictably one of the handful of ultra successful stars who I was planning on basing my future career trajectory on. No harm in letting him know that. When genuine, flattery was rarely disregarded.
His head drew back, his chin sunk into his neck, and his face stretched into that distinctive grin of his as he laughed. “Funny guy! I figured that out when I watched you on Conan.” The way he thumped me on my arm, I very quickly figured out that those muscles under his overly tight shirt weren’t purely for show. “I’m looking forward to watching you do your stunts and seeing if that’s true.” That affable mosque of his slipped a little bit, and he pinned me with an almost frighteningly intense gaze. “We should have a more serious talk sometime.” And in less than a moment, he was back to smiling.
“Who’s this young lady?” Tom moved on from me, and if that imperceptible quiver on Cadbury’s lips was any indication, she’d moved on from David Suchet. Poor Poirot.
“Tom.” Ben tapped him and jerked his head towards the makeup tent.
“Sorry, folks. My bald head and fat hands are going to take a few hours to put on. I’d better get a move on if I’m going to dance.”
I knew Matthew McConaughey was also due to show up this week and while he wasn’t exactly small beans, something told me his welcome wagon would be a far cry from the current state of affairs.
To be fair, though, neither True Detective, Magic Mike, Wolf of Wall Street, nor Interstellar would happen for another decade. So we couldn’t be blamed that the collective response to him was only going to be alright.
–
One, two, three hops on my left foot, right leg raised. Swap them out, left leg up, hopping one, two, three times on the balls of my feet. I flexed, stretched, and rotated my arms as I warmed up and got limber for my upcoming action scene.
I wasn’t the only one kicking up dust, though. The buffalo Jack Black, adorned in only his tighty-whities, was being hauled on and strapped to was just as busy as I was bobbing its head and hoofing the ground.
As the slapstick spectacle persisted, I felt like I was missing something. My brain wracked inside my mind like the bucking bovine. It was right there on the top of my tongue, like Jack Black’s frosted tips. The lighting reflector a production system set up finally caused the light bulb to flash in my head.
Even though Jack Black’s belly bulged more than the buffalo’s, it was very pregnant and the longer they played heave-ho with her; she was only getting angrier.
Jack, coming out unscathed the first time, didn’t mean he’d do so this time. I stepped in before the credits of our movie required an in memoriam.
“Hold your horses or, er… cow, I guess.” No animals had been harmed in the making of this film, but one of the leading cast very nearly was. I ran over, got a good grip around his waist, and forced the issue as the rest of the team had to comply with my sudden entry to let Jack safely off.
Bend from the knees, Bas. His love handles made it quite easy to guide him back to the jungle floor. “What’s the big idea? Do you know how long it takes to get me back on that thing every time?”
“Probably not longer than a potential hospital stay. I don’t know why I’m the only one concerned about this whole thing turning into a rodeo.”
One of the animal handlers piped up. “She is being a lot fussier than usual… hey cuz, call the vet over. Maybe she’s hurt her back or something.”
“Tell them to also bring me a pair of pants.” Good idea. I was just about to suggest the same thing.
The snap of the vet’s latex glove signalled the end of her fiddling around the hindquarters of the Buffalo. “Bessie here is super pregnant and about ready to pop. Probably best you don’t use her anymore unless you wanna be tossed ten feet in the air.”
Jack, still in his undies - his pants never came - faced me, palmed my face, and proceeded to smush it. Some might have taken affront, but I was just glad I wasn’t gonna get kissed. “Your eye of the tiger just saved me from smashing my pumpkins.”
“Merely a matter of course. If you died, how would I ever be able to make another movie with you?”
“You’re asking for a smooching, buddy.”
I swiftly escaped his clutches. “No, thank you. I’m saving these lips for Scarlett Johansson.” The cameo final kissing scene for Barnaby had just been finalized. Jennifer Love Hewitt wasn’t quite my speed.
With Jack Black safely out of harm’s way, I could now happily and willingly place myself in the careening path instead.
[RDJ shaded under his conical bamboo hat, pulled Jack along on another sedate Buffalo.
Multiple cameras were working in sequence for the scene. Donald and I had one each with a closeup on us as we waded through a muddy current. Another one behind us with a wide-angle lens caught us in concert with the action happening in the central scene.
As the both of us reached the underside of the rickety bamboo bridge where our markers were, my inner clock told me that our timing was the most punctual we’d been across the last eight days.
Donald and I huddled beneath it as the extra crossed the wobbly bridge. The camera behind me panned over my shoulder, I thrust my gun to point at one of the pre-fabricated buildings. “Those burlap sacks don’t look like they’re carrying tea. That’s likely the munition’s hut.” I whispered as the camera followed the line of my gun with Donald’s line of sight.
“Aight. What about you?”
My Batman moment had arrived. While he was looking away, I slunk back till I pressed up against the wall of the building we were hiding behind. Reached up, curled my finger around the low roof’s lip, engaged my core, and pulled myself up in a reverse somersault.
“B?”
“Up here.” I kept crouched so that the bad guys with guns couldn’t spot me. “I’m going to pop over to the main building to ferret out Speedman.”
The buildings on set had been constructed in such a way that I had an elaborate but obvious pathway to leap, vault, swing, and slide through. I’d have to make sure I didn’t take my gymnastics instructor and Oh Dae Su, for the same showing, otherwise they would both get into an altercation about who got to take credit for my acrobatics.
“Seriously, B, what kind of school did you go to?”
The scene successfully continued till the gag got given away. I flipped off the roof and landed on an inconspicuous crash mat and rolled to take cover behind a set of barrels. Unfortunately, I instead came face to face with a Vietnamese man who’d been dolled up with the most frightening clown makeup imaginable. What was even worse was that his non-existent breasts were still the only pair I’d seen in a coconut bra during my entire stay in Hawaii so far.
Well-honed taekwondo skills kicked into effect when I dropped low, swept his leg, and leveled my prop rifle filled only with blanks (both in and out of the story) at his nightmare inducing face.
“I’m a lead farmer, motherfucker!” RDJ’s yell was my own cue.
“I hereby claim this land in the name of Her Royal Majesty, the Queen!”
Truth be told, I was a little disappointed that this was the extent of my martial prowess that I get to display. “Don’t judge meeee!” Jack Black hollered as he carried away the miniature drug lord who could have been my ideal tiny opponent. But his wrestling match with Jack Black was too good comically to not include.]
At day’s end, once Ben reviewed and re-reviewed the footage before giving his final thumbs up, I rolled up the cuff of my trousers, sat by the bank, and dipped my aching feet into the stream.
“So it wasn’t just PR padding.” Tom Cruise, who was still determined to enjoy his oversized, hairy, sausage-y hands, announced himself. “You’ve got good cardio and a strong skill base. My people will be in touch. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you.” He ghosted away without even bothering to wait for my reply.
Oh yeah, and speaking of bright futures, Bessie the buffalo gave birth to a brand new calf. They named it Jack.
Comments
Hrathen
Can we stay away from anime live actions? They have just about never been anything but a dumpster fire
Rivo
Does he? It looks like MI 3 is already done and he only has Valkyrie followed by a career slump.
Rivo
I think it would be very on brand for Tom to drop a line, testing the waters. I’ve seen a few interviews about him regarding this topic, he’s not pushy and he doesn’t mention it to everyone, but he does try on occasion. All Bas has to say is let’s move on and Tom probably will.
Rivo
Yeah, I’m all for production and acquisition of anime. But starring in or even being involved production wise in Live Action is such a bad idea. Don’t want to insult people who enjoy it, but Live Action is straight up cringe and not in any good way. Even the best Live Action adaptation isn’t very good.
GetRektNuub
Daaamn. I didn't know that. Look at Bas making connections!
Bar Calak
unmatched creative control over production. Has his own prod and finance house.
Matt
By going with young all might he gets to flesh out a super man level character, introduce wingmen (Nighteye and David Shield) and build out a more coherent universe than Marvel and DC
David Karlsson
Can just picture him showing up in all those movies in odd roles. TC can't get the briefcase to close in the führer bunker scene in Valkyrie? Helpful Bas Rhys is there to help in his snappy SS uniform. TC turning around to close the airplane of cocaine as Barry Seal? Bas Rhys in a fat suit plants himself in the co-pilot seat.
Matt
Could use Bas’ appearance, like use a photo of him and have his hair style slightly changed to appear as young All Might, could have him hire fired Marvel and DC people to make it the most gorgeous and plot hole free comic possible, and also publish it in Japan by sending it to Shonen Jump…it’d give Bas an even stronger base in Japan, solidify or raise his status in America and make a franchise on the level of Marvel/DC to bleed consumers away from those comic books and tank the price of both companies even lower
Stubbzy
Could always try to setup future plot points or characters through having relevant people watch or react to him or one of his movies. Could allow for slight relationship buildup long before Bas even meets them.
David Karlsson
That's how it starts... one moment they "gift" you a private jet. Next thing you know you're initiating scientology members with lie detector tests in menacing rooms.
Bar Calak
Live action anime isn't the best idea. But Bas might have his opinions on anime from potentially a production or adaptation, or acquisition stand point
Bar Calak
casting defo can affect the quality of a movie
Bar Calak
True story btw! originally jack black was tossed off that buffalo and got hurt.
Bar Calak
It;s difficult because I'm unsure of how to write that without treading old territory you know?
Bar Calak
haha no. even im not crazy enough to imagine how that would go. ...could be a fun idea as a snippet though
David Karlsson
Ohh fair point. Meeting the cast for F&F was a bit similar. But Bas isn't menacing or intimidating... or is he? Karen Gillan seemed to think so at first... hmm.
Bar Calak
Not the last of TC. but rest assured the tone of the story will remain pretty consistent
Bar Calak
What you might have noticed, if you read the excerpts where bas has been introducing himself to new cast members, your analysis of how TC behaves also applies to him. Coincidence?
Bar Calak
Who wouldn't like having that sort of power in their respective career/ industry
Bar Calak
I must admit, i do quite enjoy seeing actors with established chemistry act together in various different projects
Bar Calak
Despite everything the one ting that is ineffable about TC is that the guy knows how to make a blockbuster. His career ups and downs included is legendary
Bar Calak
Thats one way to get a private jet. Did you know that our souls (according to scientology) are transported in jumbo jets?
Bar Calak
Everybody needs a wingman
GetRektNuub
He's an insanely good actor. But what else? I don't follow him beyond the movies.
Bar Calak
TC has a pretty extensive catalogue coming up
Bar Calak
TC keeps that stuff pretty discreet for the most part. especially as he gets older. I think he's just locked in because of whatever blackmail they've got on the guy - doesn;t help that he's coocoo. Bas would probably get into trouble because he'd be unable to resist making a comment about Xenu the scientology alien god. Bas is also pretty coocoo if you think about it.
Bar Calak
As of now in my head. TC has more to offer than just a role.
Bar Calak
Bas is firmly in the cult of sassy-tology
Atchie
They named the calf based on who rode the mother, nice 😂
Andy Ammeter
I can not get enough of this novel. I’m in love with any fan fictions that do the Hollywood troupe like this making movies or tv shows with different people in place.
Matt
Not sure about you, but at best I’m indifferent about the midget…yet he gets more roles than Dinklage
Matt
Curious, since MC is in his late teens early 20’s have you thought of potentially having him show he’s an anime/manga fan and want to put together a reel of being the live action- All Might? Would further endear him to Japan and could potentially make him pull Horakoshi to illustrate the manga
David Karlsson
Don't think I'd like Cruise to be a main character for that long. As for finding overarching antagonist to MC. Is that necessary? I prefer the story's current tone. antagonism can come from rigid script supervisors, the occasional baiting reporter/TV personality etc.
David Karlsson
A group of girlfriends going to watch tropic thunder only because Bas is in it
Rivo
I just can't get hyped about Tom Cruise...
Memory Dump
You know what I would do if I could get away with it I would leak things on WikiLeaks a day or two before they happen just to mess with people. But only if I could do so completely anonymously.
Avenseg
Oh god a scientology arc?
Soh•M©
I mean, for when ever a new film of his comes out.
Soh•M©
I'd love to see how different people react to Bas's films. Maybe include scenes showing audience reactions: a packed theater, a group of friends debating it afterward, or even online reviews.
N
If that Tom Cruise thing pans out and turns out to be more than just a one movie thing, Bas will be closely linked to two controversial figures (assuming he doesn’t blast Rowling like the rest of the HP cast). Combined with the upcoming housing market crash, He probably should begin to seriously work on his public image.
McLuvin
Cruise being like a Sith style mentor (raising Bas up through abuse and constant challenges and hardship with the understanding they’ll destroy one another one day) would give the fic an overarching semi-antagonist for the next decade or so.
David Karlsson
His shifting mood there would worry me, like he took insult to that couch jumping segment. As long as MC doesn't upstage Cruise I think he'd be happy to do more movies together, and his PR team cast him as a mentor figure to Bas's fledgling stunt acting career
David Karlsson
I think you nailed the Tom Cruise part. Overly gregarious, weirdly menacing at times. And the flattery that he knew who MC was, accurate. Whether you like the guy or not, his approval would mean something to any young actor. And that statement at the end? Can't tell whether that's a scientology cult threat, or he passed the test and Tom wants to collaborate more but maybe that's the point. Love the private school gag, Jack Black's nuts live to see another day
McLuvin
Tom Cruise is one of those people who will absolutely destroy you for the smallest insult…or make your career. He’s just that type of crazy. Maybe this has landed him a role in Top Gun: Maverick down the line, as long as he can keep Mr Scientology happy.
Kieran M
Thank you
Stubbzy
Could go the either way, regardless of people’s opinions on him generally it’s acknowledged Cruise is at the top of the acting stunt game, Bas through minor association can boost his own image especially if the public are aware of is own stunt efforts.
Stubbzy
The dark side of Scientology is a pathway to many stunt abilities some consider to be unnatural
Stubbzy
Aha yes! Awesome! Really great chapter from start to finish. Was hyped for a potential Tom Cruise meetup. Bas has shown he’s got true stunt potential but if he goes further he could easily solidify a potential role in many upcoming Tom Cruise movies. Sorta like how Nolan recasts the same actors a lot knowing they have the skills he wants. Doesn’t hurt that some of Cruises best action movies are coming up post 2007. Bas turned down ultimate bragging rights! Who else can say they kissed Jack Black and Scarlett Johansson!
Fernzyyyy
Bas in eyes wide shut sequal...? Probably just a role in MI
David Karlsson
Think he'll try to rehabilitate his image with Bas Rhys here?
RaGNORAK
It was only after the economic slump that paramount agreed to pony up on starting the project again. And only with money injections from the Ellison iirc.
RaGNORAK
I don't know about Cruise, not only for the scientology thing or his general attitude, but also because post MI-3 and pre MI-4 time period was his biggest slump time. He had fallen out with paramount over profit sharing on the MI franchise and also had a big image crisis where everyone was dumping on him for the scientology thing and his personal relationships. He had fired Pat Kingsley who had been keeping his image clean. He was a horrible mess to be associated with at that time. Which likely was the reason he agreed to put on the fat suit and show up in tropic thunder. Just like why Downey agreed to black face, pre Ironman he was doing whatever to get back on stable footing.
Soh•M©
Hopefully by his people, he doesn't mean the scientologists.
Vayes
Oohhh Bas catching sunshine from Tom Cruise's aviators lol. Probable Mission Impossible role soon? 🤔 Oh, forgot that Top Gun Maverick is also a possibility!
Heraclitus
I was sure Tom was going to ask him, "Have you ever heard of a great man named L Ron Hubbard?"
John Bose
Bas in mission impossible?? Interesting 👀
GetRektNuub
Hell yeah. I see that MI movies coming in the future
MimicReads
Ty
blackshadow111
... let's hope he doesn't mean his religious people.
