Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 34 - God bothering
🕑 Added 2025-06-26 16:38:02 +0000 UTCIt turned out that the glowing spheres this world used instead of bulbs were called lightballs. Very imaginative. I stood, staring like a fucking tourist at the exterior of the temple of Bulb, God of Light. It looked like a neon nightmare, everything blinked and flashed in different colours. The architecture was lost in the clashing glare of light. All bar the tower, stretching up into the night sky, which was the tallest building I’d seen thus far in Helstat. It loomed into the gloom beyond the Day-Glo garishness and sent a single beam of pure white light into the night.
“Someone was afraid of the dark as a kid,” I muttered to myself.
“Actually, Bob, I invented the light in the darkness, so that was a swing and a miss, me old mucker.”
I spun to find a dapper-looking gent leaning against a lamppost behind me. His suit was like my own: sharp and professional, out of touch with Earth styles in a subtle but unmissable way.
“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone around here about your secrets. I’m here with a message.” He pushed his spectacles up his nose, and his yellow eyes vanished as the glasses flashed, partially blinding me.
“Christ, dude!” I blinked away the afterimages.
“He’s not on this plane, mate. He can’t help you here.”
“I wasn’t asking for his help! I was complaining about being blinded by your fucking anti-sunglasses!” I snapped. He chuckled softly, in a way that would have made my scales try to stand up if I had been in my true body. This man was powerful.
“You were an atheist on Earth?” Bulb asked.
“Not in a militant way. Christ, I hate those protagonists! I’m more than happy to live and let live, you know? Is it normal for Gods to drop by and pester- uh, grace a passerby with their presence?” I figured being an ass to a god was probably a bad move.
“Not really. But we don’t get many Outremonde dragons from Earth, so you’re interesting to us deities. Karen is pissed off at you, by the way. Killed one of her high priestesses, then invoked her name to summon a manager. Ballsy, Bob, very ballsy.” Bulb smirked at me, and something washed out from him, an aura of power, absolute power in comparison to anything I was capable of.
“That wasn’t my fault! The system made that weirdo with the paperwork powers a floor boss; I didn’t have a choice. How pissed off is She of the Supervisor Summoning?”
“Oh, it’s all relative,” Bulb replied with a broad smile. Not fucking helpful dude. Hunters, Quaestors, dickheads with magic swords, the Guilds, Angtirm, my list of potential enemies was as long as my tail. I did not need to add gods to it, especially not ones who got pissy over a waiter's “attitude”.
“Why are you talking to me, er, Lord?” I asked as my situation sank in. This guy could snuff me out like a candle in the wind.
“Very poetic, but I would never snuff out a candle. Why rob the world of its light, however briefly it might shine?” Bulb sounded unhappy at the mere thought of such a thing.
“So you’re in my head?” Shit, all my secrets are being scanned by this glowing asshole!
“I am, and that’s not a very nice thing to think, Bob.” The world grew dark as he glowered at me. I reached for my happy place, that mental zone of being present and not thinking about anything at all in particular. I am water, flowing through this moment…
Bulb laughed. A warm sound that seemed to fill the world around me with sparks.
“Water is not your style, ‘Sir Bob.’ I was hoping you’d pass through here. My friend Tex is a good guy, don’t eat him.” The last was said in a flat tone. I’d had no intention of eating my contractually bound merchant anyway. I didn’t want to eat anyone, dammit.
Not being an asshole in this life was going to be hard enough without having to explain my diet to the system when I died. Akshually, almighty karmic system of spiritual voyeurism, that dude I ate liked to stamp on kittens, so you can’t count that one against me! I didn’t see it doing me any favours.
“You’d be surprised, the system might look favourably on that kind of thing. Against my better nature, I like you. Here—” he flicked a grey coin at me that I snatched out of the air, “—the code phrase is ‘I come from the east, looking for that which was lost to the dark’. Just mention it to Tex and he'll do the rest.”
“Wha—" I began but the god had vanished, and I was alone once more. Gods. I carefully avoided continuing that thought; I wasn’t sure if I was alone in my head once more. I glanced about nervously, but nothing outside the usual level of weird for this world happened.
Fine. Secret codes. I looked at the coin in my hand. It had a light bulb, a proper one from Earth, with little lines for the filaments within the classic shape, engraved on both sides. I shrugged, flicked it into the air before snatching it at the peak of its arc and slipping it into my pocket.
The Broken Baguette was a lot less grand than Bulb’s temple, but it was almost as brightly lit. Spinning lights danced on the street outside it, somehow constantly moving towards the entrance to lure in the punters. I made a note to ask who made them and get them to come visit the Cod.
“Excuse me!” A man bounced off my shoulder. I’d stopped to admire the signage. The unintelligible lettering meant nothing to me, but it glowed brightly, and the illuminated image of a broken baguette, snapped in half, made me want something similar for my own tavern.
“Sorry!” I said lazily, lost in thought. The man scowled at me and rushed inside. He’d had a weird apron on, it was stitched with intricate symbols and runes. One of his trouser legs was rolled up as well.
“Don't just stand there like a bloody tourist!” That was Tex’s voice. I spun around to find him smoking a pipe by the door. He had been hiding in the shadows thrown off by the sign.
“Tex! How much money have you made me?” I asked as I walked towards him and held out a hand which he shook. I carefully controlled my strength, I had no wish to have to pay for him to get a limb regrown.
“Oh, it’s been so-so, Bob. Running costs, road tolls, bribes for the Street Sweepers-”
“Why the hell do you need to bribe street sweepers?” I interrupted.
“Shh!” He glanced around nervously. “You don’t fucking question the SS! They’re not garbage collectors! Think of them like traffic wardens crossed with an armed militia that’s above pretty much every other law.”
“That bad?”
“Worse. The Empire takes highway robbery very bloody seriously. Don’t fuck with the SS. I know that sounds bad to an off-worlder,” he said with a shrug.
“I thought we were called Outremonde by the locals?” I cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Huh. Not such a rube anymore. Getting close to Ankmapak tends to rob y’all of your innocence. Just keep it under your stetson, OK? I’ve managed to keep it quiet from the authorities around here, even the Guild of the History of the Search. We ain’t trusted round here.”
“The guild of the Histo-”
“Don’t even say their name. You, in particular, need to avoid their attention, partner.” He fixed me with a severe look, which was somewhat spoiled by him sucking on the ends of his moustache. He looked like a walrus trying to advertise an OnlyFans page.
“I wasn’t expecting you for a couple more days. I’ve kind of got a thing this evening,” he said. He shifted in a way I could only define as embarrassed.
“You knew I could fly. But I can wait in the Baguette until you’re done if you want.” I offered.
“Thanks, Bob. I need to get changed.” He patted a satchel on his hip. “The Brotherho—the group insists on a dress code.” I fished the token Bulb had given to me and flicked it to Tex, who caught it out of the air and glared at it before his face went pale.
“Some dude told me this was important? What was it? I come from the east looking for something lost under the couch? Something like that.” I shrugged.
“Who gave you this?” he hissed as he dragged me deeper into the shadows of an alley next to the Baguette.
“Just a guy,” I dissembled.
“Shiny glasses? Tendency to make shit glow?” Tex snarled. I nodded. “Fuck! Alright, I’ll introduce you to the lodge.” He shoved the coin back into my hand and wiped his own on his trousers. “Don’t embarrass me, Bob! The Lightbringers are a big part of my life! They’re my home away from home as I travel.”
“What the hell are the Lightbringers? Isn’t that Satan’s official title?”
“Shhh! We’re a select group of craftsmen and business people! Wherever we go, we bring the light,” he said proudly. I arched an eyebrow once more. My forehead muscles were getting a solid workout today.
“You mean like the illicit arms you brought to-”
“Shuddup! That was for a member of the Order. Lady Foreverknot is a powerful influence on the Brotherhood! I was merely doing an Illuminated Brother a service!” My forehead was going to be benching two hundred pounds by the end of the day. “Sister. Whatever. We’re all the same under the Light!” Tex snapped.
“How very progressive of you. Bulb wanted me to join your little club. I get the feeling there’s a string or three attached?”
“Nope, not at all.” Tex glanced from left to right, but we were still alone in the shadows of the alley he’d pushed me into. “Look, it’s all about trade-offs, right? Give and take. If you sign up with His Illuminated Majesty, folks who like Umbrat will take a dislike to you.” Another raised- I stopped the expression and just asked the question instead. I could shape my face as I liked, but I didn’t want to have to deal with pecs on my forehead.
“Who the fuck is Umbrat?”
“God of Shade. Darkness, gloom, and mean comments on the internet. All these and more are his domain,” Tex said bitterly.
“Caught a few shitty reviews online, have you?”
“It’s not like that here, but yeah, my reputation took a few hits from pissy emo twats finding out I was a Lightbringer. Let’s go inside, and I’ll introduce you to Jonah. Show him the coin and use the right bloody code phrase. He’ll induct you, if you want. Believe me, Bulb isn’t the worst patron to have on Helstat.”
Pros and cons. Yays and nays. That fucking god-pric- that kindly deity- had put me in a bit of a pickle. Apparently, the goddess of whinging already had a hate-boner for this humble dragon, and if I signed up with Bulb, I figured I’d get some cover on that front, but I’d open a whole new set of angsty relationships with Umbrat aficionados.
I entered the inn, and my jaw dropped, rather more than would be normal for a human.
