Milc/C.J. Milnes
patreon
Chapter 11 - Arms dealer
🕑 Added 2025-06-06 21:27:14 +0000 UTCIn the end, I ate his other ox. I wasn’t proud of it, but I was peckish.
Biomass stored:
76.5 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 50 KG.
Fifty-four GC added to the hoard.
I had enough biomass for another evolution, but I wasn’t even considering it until I was back in my lair and safe. The thought of my golden bed, now ever so slightly larger, called to something in my soul, but I was a business-dragon, and I had a job to do.
“You sure you can hang on, Tex?” I muttered. I craned my neck down to look beneath my body. My claws were dug into the frame of his cart. His stock was all bundled up in barrels or covered with thick tarps. I wasn’t terribly interested in what he had on his cart at the moment.
“I can hang on, Bob. You sure you won’t drop us? Some of this stuff is pretty valuable!” Tex called as he attempted to dig every single finger and toe he had into inch-thick oak planks.
I flapped my wings, and nothing happened but a cloud of dust spreading out around us.
“You ok there, big fella?” he called up in what I charitably decided was not a sarcastic voice.
“I’ve got this!” I grunted. My tail slammed into the dirt behind us, and with a herculean effort, I pulled the cart up into the sky. I wasn’t designed to be a beast of burden. That much I decided in seconds as I fought furiously for every metre of altitude.
I managed to haul an impossibly heavy four-wheeled cart up to above the treetops, and then we coasted down the road towards Fidler’s Mill. Tex coasted and called encouragement up to me. I flapped like my life depended on it. The damn thing was heavy!
As the village came into view, what felt like an eternity later, I let our altitude drop, but a stick poked me in my gut.
“Not yet, Bob! We should arrive in style!” Tex called. I grunted and flapped harder, gained a little more height, and then began to coast down towards Mother Earth.
The cart slammed down and rolled as I yanked my claws out of the woodwork and strove desperately for height. A few frantic flaps later, and I was wheeling over thatched cottages and circling back round to land beside the cart.
“Thanks, brother!” called Tex as he began throwing tarps away to reveal his wares. “Come one, come all to Tex’s Titanic Farming Equipment!” he yelled. “Don’t mind the dragon! Tex needs the best, and what better method of transport is there than on the back of a tamed monster!” he shouted. “No offence mate, I’m playing to the crowd!” he whispered to me as pale-faced villagers began to emerge from the houses.
I wasn’t going to argue with that, but I was a little put out at being cast as some servile animal. The draconic part of my mind rebelled, demanding I make everyone around me kneel, or at the very least that I eat a few of them as examples to the rest.
“Lord Pratnip has been a cruel master to you all!” Tex yelled, and more than half of the villagers I could see nodded their heads angrily. “But Lady Foreverknot has sent you succour in your time of need! Behold! Repeating crossbows! Swords of Disembowelling and…” Tex threw back another tarp to reveal something that looked like the inquisition on Earth would have said “nah that’s a bit much mate” at the sight of.
“– The Magicus Evisceratorus!” he declared proudly. “The only one in existence! The final artefact produced by Gangote Numbcrusher. His masterwork that will secure him a place in the annals of the universe!”
It resembled a cross between a ballista and a hedge trimmer. I was genuinely worried that this tightly wound murder machine had been dangling a few feet beneath my cloaca. Not having balls anymore didn’t mean I couldn’t feel vulnerable.
“I thought you were carrying farming equipment?” I hissed to Tex as the villagers slowly approached.
“I am! You see that rotary blade launcher? It’s perfect for trimming overgrown lawns! Some of those blades in the basket over there have a herbicide spell on them that will stop the grass, and any limbs that might happen to be removed, from growing back. This stuff is all agricultural equipment, lad, don’t worry so much!” Tex chuckled, giving me a thumbs-up.
I was not reassured.
“Who is Lady Foreverknot?” I demanded.
“Oh, just another local lord! Lady, in this case!” He smirked up at me and nudged one of my armoured limbs with his elbow. “I’m sure a dragon like you is beyond human politics. You don’t worry your handsome head about it, leave the human stuff to me, eh? I’ll make us both rich.”
“Tex, I’m not being funny, but that looks like an automatic ballista, and those bolts are glowing a very unpleasant colour.” I pointed out, my snout swinging over to look at what was most definitely an arms delivery.
“It’s for duck hunting, dude! Have you seen the ducks in this world! Vicious bastards, man. You’d need an AK to deal with them on Earth. That big, multipronged spear-looking thing? That's for, uh, threshing wheat. Yeah, you can knock the grains right off the stalk with that bad boy. Say, you haven’t told me about your base of operations, how are you set up for ‘farm equipment’?” he turned bright, avaricious eyes up at me, and I snorted. My tongue flicked out. Deception filled the air.
I slowly backed away, my wings rising behind me without my thinking. The villagers shied backwards, and as I saw the fear in their eyes, I dropped my wings.
“Don’t spoil the vibe, Bob!” Tex hissed. He flashed a broad smile at the nervous villagers and then spun to glare at me. “I’ll make it worth your while! What do you want? Say three per cent of the take?” he whispered to me, mugging and raising his eyebrows up and down. “Don’t fuck this up for me, you stupid fucking lizard!”
That was quite enough of that. I lunged forward and snatched the trader up in one claw. He yelped and tried to scream, but I squeezed ever so slightly, and his breath left him in a single explosive blast. My glowing purple eyes narrowed as I glared at the seemingly tiny human in my fist before I looked up and snorted at the frightened villagers.
“I’m terribly sorry for any misunderstanding. My minion here seems to have forgotten his place. I think he needs to get a lesson in proper etiquette. Please leave the money for any purchases you wish to make in the driver's section of the cart. This is an honour system, and I will return to verify that everything is above board. I trust you are happy with this arrangement?” Purple eyes narrowed at the peasants, and they all nodded hurriedly.
“Tex, I think you and I should have a word,” I growled.
“We can talk here. I’d love to talk here. What’s on you’re mind, Bob? I’m always happy to make time for friends– urk!”
My wings slammed down, and I launched into the air, the would-be arms dealer clutched in one fist. I turned my head back and grinned, all teeth and menace, at the human held delicately in my claws as we rose ever higher above the ground. Without the cart, I wasn’t struggling to gain altitude, and soon enough we were circling hundreds of metres above Fidler’s Mill.
“I get the feeling you were taking me for a ride, Tex,” I called as I shifted him so he could see my face. “I’m not terribly happy about it, if I’m being honest.”
“Always best to be honest, Bob!” he squeaked, carefully avoiding looking down. “Honesty is definitely the best policy! What can I do to make this right? I certainly wasn’t trying to be unfair, but I can see how a smart dragon like you might think I wasn’t being on the up and up, in light of some of my stock! A man has to make a living, you know! I’ve got five kids to feed back in Ankmapak! Please think of my children! He babbled.
“What are their names?” I asked amicably.
“Their what?” he snapped, and I let him slip a little in my grip before bouncing him back up. “Jonas, Jevelin, Jonty, Jill, and Johnson!” he squeaked.
“Jevelin?” I said, narrowing my eyes at the man.
“Jenny! I meant Jenny!” he screamed.
“And Johnson was your ox. I think we got off on the wrong foot, Tex. Or rather, that you did. I reckon it would be best if I introduced you to Kat. She’ll know how to deal with a gentleman-of-business like you.” I laughed as he whimpered, and I flew steadily back to Mount Bob.
“What is that?” Kat demanded as I landed gracefully in my lair and quickly moved over to examine my hoard.
“That’s a lot of gold!” Tex muttered greedily. I raised him to my eyes, and the purple glow flared. “ A lot of your gold! Honestly, Bob, I’m your man! You can trust me!” I moved away from my bed and placed him down gently next to Kat. His legs gave out as soon as I withdrew my claws, and he collapsed into a heap on the floor, looking desperately for a way out that didn't involve a very long fall.
I moved over to my shiny bed and settled my bulk across the gold, sighing in pleasure as I wriggled my belly into the coins.
“You’re picking up strays now?” Kat demanded. I opened one eye as she kicked Tex on the knee, and he jumped.
“Hey there, little lady, how about you and I–urk!” His suave tone, somewhat marred by the damp patch on his trousers, was cut off as my fiery little armoured redhead lunged upwards and kicked him in the chin. He fell backwards, clutching at his neck as Kat clung on to one nostril and balanced on his face like a surfer on a wave.
“At least he’s got a useful skill. Are you going to eat him?” Kat called.
“Why the fuck would I eat him? He was running arms into a nearby village so I figured we could use him as a merchant?” I muttered.
“You know, there’s a chance you can steal some of his skills? Happens when a dragon eats a sentient, sometimes.” Tex’s eyes went wide, and his head turned to me with a desperate expression on his face.
“Dude! Bob! Old buddy, we’re both from Earth! You can’t eat me! I can help you out, amigo. I can be useful!” he squeaked as Kat tightened her grip on his nostril. I didn’t remember my human nostrils being quite so sensitive as my draconic ones, but from the look on his face, I was pretty sure Tex was getting a taste of the same evil medicine Kat liked to dole out to me when I annoyed her.
“It’s out of my hands now, Tex!” I raised my obsidian claws helplessly. “Maybe if you can explain what kind of percentage we should expect, Kat will go easy on you? She’s a thousand years old, so don’t try and play her for a rube, ok mate?” I muttered as my eyes closed and my tail curled around the edge of my hoard, carefully creating a barrier between my treasure and my visitor.
“What were you running, dick for brains?” Kat snapped, and I heard Tex whimper.
“Lady Foreverknot is planning an attack against Baron Pratnip, the old man is out of favour at court, and she wants to stir up some rebellions in his provinces. So here I am, humbly obeying my mistress. I’m a slave to my overlords and ladies, dear… woman. I can but obey! Hurting me for doing my job is like beating a puppy for making a mess on the floor! He doesn’t mean to; it’s all he knows how to do. You wouldn’t–”
A loud smack shut him up, and I nuzzled deeper into my irritatingly small pile of treasure.
