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Chapter 142 - Catalog of Holes
🕑 Added 2025-11-27 15:21:12 +0000 UTCI hadn't known what had happened outside my Frozen Domain that day. I'd been too busy holding back a squad of Kiri Anbu, keeping them contained while Naruto dealt with Zabuza in whatever chaotic, improvised way he'd inevitably choose. In retrospect, I should have pressed for details. Should have demanded a full breakdown instead of accepting the abbreviated version I'd gotten.
But hindsight was a bitch like that.
Naruto continued his recounting with all the dramatic flair of a bad theater production, complete with sound effects and wild gesturing. His version of events was patchy at best, completely fabricated at worst, filtered through the lens of a fifteen-year-old who thought "strategy" was a type of ramen topping.
All I'd known at the time was what Naruto had told me in the hospital. Right before the absolute lunatic had transformed into a bimbo nurse and proceeded to give me a tit-job that still haunted my more shameful memories.
Focus. Not the time.
Naruto had said he'd let Zabuza and Haku go. And I'd been honest then. I didn't mind. Didn't care, as long as he and Sai were alive. Would've been pretty fucking shitty if all the sacrifices I'd made had been for nothing because they'd gotten themselves killed anyway.
That said, what had apparently transpired between Naruto and Zabuza was something I really should have anticipated. The blonde idiot had done what he always did, punched and talked his way through the problem until his opponent had some kind of emotional breakthrough. By Naruto's telling, Zabuza had experienced a full redemptive arc, realized the error of his ways, and had probably ridden off into the sunset to start a petting zoo for reformed missing-nin.
Or something equally absurd.
By the time Naruto finished, he was practically glowing with pride at his successful rehabilitation of a dangerous criminal. He looked around the room, clearly expecting praise, validation, maybe a medal.
He got blank stares and varying degrees of disapproval instead.
Because of course he did. Zabuza was an enemy combatant, and the best kind of enemy was a dead enemy. Letting him walk away, reformed or not, was tactically questionable at best.
I gave him a thumbs up, catching his eye. Small gesture, but his face brightened immediately, that trademark smile snapping back into place.
Because a happy idiot is better than a sad one.
After Naruto, it was Sai's turn.
And here's where I started sweating again.
Sai was observant. Trained by ROOT, conditioned to notice things normal people missed, to catalogue details and report them with surgical precision. If anyone was going to notice flaws and say a questionable agenda, it would be Sai. And I did have an agenda, like let’s say, the special treatment to a certain pinket.
But as his report unfolded, flat and professional and completely devoid of Naruto's theatrical bullshit, I realized my concerns had been misplaced.
Sai's version had its own holes. Different holes than Naruto's, but present nonetheless. He mentioned Sakura by name no more than twice. Once at the mission's start to confirm team composition, and once when noting that she'd accompanied me during the separation from the main group.
That was it.
He'd basically forgotten she existed. Didn't consider her worth tracking, worth including in his tactical breakdown beyond the bare minimum required by protocol. To Sai, Sakura simply wasn't important enough to merit attention.
Part of me felt bad for her. She was right here, listening to her teammate essentially erase her from the narrative.
But another part of me recognized the fairness in it. Sai focused on mission-critical elements. Combat encounters. Strategic decisions. Sakura hadn't been involved in the major engagements. So in Sai's clinical assessment, she was background noise.
His report added perspective that Naruto’s lacked; actual tactical details, environmental factors, and enemy capabilities. But nothing that substantially changed the picture. Just filled in gaps with data instead of drama.
Then it was Sakura's turn, and I caught the way her shoulders tensed, the slight tremor in her hands as all eyes shifted to her. Sakura wasn’t a timid girl, far from it, but the shinobi in this room were intimidating
I gave her an encouraging look, a small nod. She was my student now; she was mine to guide. Supporting her was part of the job.
She met my gaze with her big, green eyes, took a breath, and nodded back with more determination than I'd expected.
"Right. So, um..." She started hesitantly, but found her footing as she went.
Sakura's version was…well, it was the least dense, to put it kindly. More description, more emotional context, but somehow even less tactical substance than Naruto's clusterfuck of a narrative. She talked about how she'd felt during various moments, described the scenery, and mentioned being scared or worried, or uncertain.
Notably, she conveniently glossed over her mistakes, but since I'd already spanked those lessons into her tender little ass until she couldn't sit properly, and since she was clearly too embarrassed or proud or ashamed to mention that particular method of instruction, I wasn't about to call her out on it.
Besides, Sakura was insecure about her combat abilities. Had been since the Academy, probably. Always comparing herself to Sasuke and Naruto, always coming up short in her own estimation. Of course, she'd downplay or omit her failures in front of an audience like this.
But her report added almost nothing to the overall picture, mostly because she hadn't been present for the critical engagements. She'd been back at the inn after I'd... handled her discipline. After I'd worked her over until she'd squirted and passed out from the intensity of it.
Professional thoughts. Professional.
Her ending focused on the aftermath. The fear she'd felt seeing me injured, the tension during the journey back to Konoha with me unconscious and possibly dying. It was sweet, in a way. Genuine emotion, real concern for her teacher, and…. a little bit misplaced since it was the same guy she had caught balls deep in her mom's married cunt.
It was also completely useless from an intelligence perspective.
This girl…. She really wasn't made for field work.
She'd somehow managed to make the entire thing about herself and her feelings. I sympathized—I did—but watching her hands shake as she finished, seeing the uncertainty in her green eyes as she looked around for approval...
I sighed quietly and placed my hand on her shoulder.
“Good work,” I said softly, giving her a reassuring squeeze and the support she sought.
Sakura's entire posture changed at the touch. She looked up at me with gratitude and a too easily earned trust. Her smile was small but genuine, some of that tension bleeding out of her frame. Her reaction was docile, almost too much so.
Need to talk to her after this, I thought. Preferably somewhere private. Hotel room, maybe. She's wound tight, nerve-ripe, and fully ready. Could use some... stress relief. Help her process everything.
After Sakura finished, there was a beat of silence. Then all eyes turned to me—Minato's calm assessment, Hiruzen's knowing look, Danzo's single penetrating stare, all focusing their attention like spotlights.
My turn.
Without further preamble, I launched into my version of events.
I'd already given Minato the broad strokes when he'd paid me a visit in the hospital about a week ago, with Guy-sensei. I'd been honest then, surprisingly so, given my usual relationship with full disclosure. Straightforward, even. Probably helped that I'd still been riding the edge of medical chakra and painkillers.
So I didn't try to adjust or sanitize anything this time around. Even though every shinobi instinct I possessed was screaming and clawing to keep my cards closer to my chest, to not broadcast my techniques and capabilities to an audience this size.
Especially with Danzo sitting there like a malevolent tumor, cataloguing every word for future exploitation.
But I had little choice.
I kept my delivery clinical and relatively factual. Started with the initial bandit encounters, moved through the confrontation with Zabuza and Haku, and explained my decision to separate from the main group with Sakura. Detailed the second engagement, the arrival of Kiri Anbu, the combat that followed. And mostly what I remembered of the clash with Yagura Karatachi.
No one interrupted. Not once. But I could feel their interest, the weight of their stares, their curiosity, their judgment.
Danzo's single eye tracked like a predator watching prey. The old war hawk always looked at people like they were weapons he hadn’t gotten his hands on yet. I didn’t like it then, and I wasn’t about to start liking it now. Inoichi's expression had shifted into something analytical, probably running psychological profiles in his head. Shikaku looked less bored, which meant he was actually paying attention, and that was somehow more concerning.
When I finished, silence settled over the room like a heavy blanket. Everyone taking a moment to digest, to process, to file away information for later use.
Minato leaned back in his chair, the movement casual, but his expression thoughtful. Then he smiled and looked at each of us in turn.
"Thank you," he said, voice carrying the kind of sincere gratitude that made you believe he meant it. "All of you. Your reports have been thorough and invaluable. The village appreciates your service and your willingness to face such unexpected challenges with courage and professionalism."
I nodded, keeping it simple. Acknowledgment without elaboration.
Sai responded with his usual empty pleasantness. "I was merely fulfilling my assigned duties, Hokage-sama."
Sakura managed something more heartfelt, if a bit uncertain. "Thank you for listening, Hokage-sama. We're just glad we could complete the mission."
Naruto, predictably, had a different response entirely. "Yeah, yeah, it was rough but we handled it!" He shifted his weight, that tell-tale restlessness starting to show. "So, uh... are we done here? Can we go now? Because I'm starving and Ichiraku's has been calling my name for like an hour—"
Minato's smile took on a distinctly paternal quality, that calm, patient smile that somehow managed to feel both kind and like a silent scolding. "Just a moment more, Naruto. We still have some questions—clarifications, really—just to ensure we have a complete understanding of the situation." He kept his tone gentle, reasonable. "It won't take much time."
Naruto groaned, head tilting back dramatically. "But Dad—I mean, Hokage-sama—" He caught himself mid-whine, remembering the audience. "—we've been standing here forever and my legs are getting tired and I already told you everything like three times—"
"Naruto." Kakashi's voice cut through Naruto's building tirade. One word, delivered with that particular blend of patience and warning that only a long-suffering sensei could master. "Just a bit longer. You can manage that, I’m sure. Try to show a little patience."
I almost laughed. Getting Naruto to stay put was like trying to hold water in your hands. It was impossible and messy. He had the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel and approximately the same energy levels. You'd think he had bees up his ass the way he constantly needed to move.
I figured I’d spare everyone the trouble and spoke up.
"Hokage-sama, if I may." I kept my voice level and professional. "The mission itself, and the reports we've provided, seem relatively straightforward. What requires further clarification is primarily my section of events—the portion where the others weren't present to witness directly." I gestured slightly toward Naruto, Sakura, and Sai. “Why not let them go? I’ll stay behind and answer any questions. That way, there are no… distractions.”
Minato's eyebrow rose slightly. He exchanged glances with Hiruzen and, somehow more concerning, with Danzo. Some silent communication passed between them that I wasn't privy to.
Then he nodded. "That's reasonable. Indeed, it's primarily Sasayaki-san's actions that require additional discussion." He looked at the others, his smile returning. "The rest of you are dismissed. Please report to the mission office to receive your compensation. Well done, all of you."
I nodded, satisfied with that outcome.
Naruto, however, was not.
"Hey, wait a minute!" He took a step forward, indignation written across his face. "Why does Eishin have to stay? He already told you everything! This isn't fair—"
I sighed quietly and leaned in, put my arm around his shoulders. He flinched, his whole body stiffening as I’d just hit a nerve, oddly enough cutting his words. Moving slowly and conspiratorially, one hand coming up to partially shield my mouth. I whispered into the blonde’s ear.
"I didn't expect you to stick around for me, just wanted to tell you I really appreciate it. Honestly, I don't know if I could handle another few hours in here with these old guys." I pitched my voice low, earnest. "Especially once they start reading those written reports. Page by page. Every detail. Man, what a bore."
Naruto went oddly still for a long moment before his eyes cut toward me. Something in his expression shifted, but I couldn't quite read it. "W-what do you mean…. a few hours?"
I gestured toward the scrolls on the table with my chin. "Written reports are thorough. Four of them, all covering the same mission from different angles. They'll cross-reference, look for discrepancies, ask follow-up questions about every single point." I let that sink in. "Could easily take three, four hours. Maybe more if they're really detailed about it."
Naruto swallowed audibly, his gaze flicking to the stack of scrolls on the table.
“Hours and hours of dry, mind-numbing details.“ I tried not to smile.
It took him all of half a second to make a decision. He did a complete one-eighty, his entire demeanor shifting.
"You know what? Thinking about it, Eishin can totally handle this!” He laughed, that big, forced laugh he used when he was backing out of something, and started walking backward toward the door, one hand rubbing the back of his head in his signature nervous gesture. “Yeah! He's way better at all this boring report stuff than I am!" His grin was too wide. "And I just remembered I've got this really important thing to do—super important, can't wait—so I'll just leave you to it! You've got this!" He was already at the door, hand on the frame. "We’ll, uh, catch you later! Good luck!"
And then he bolted. Gone in a flash of orange and blonde, as he'd never been there at all.
Minato sighed, a long, exasperated exhale that somehow contained both deep affection and profound resignation, but he was smiling. "Kakashi," he said, voice carrying gentle authority, "if you would escort them to the mission office for payment processing."
Kakashi nodded once. But before he turned to leave, he gave me a long, pointed look. That single visible eye held…. concern, maybe, or warning, or just acknowledgment of what was about to happen.
Then he gave me a sharp nod. Solidarity, perhaps. Or goodbye.
"Sakura, Sai. Let's go." He started toward the door, hands in his pockets.
Sakura hesitated, glancing back at me one more time. I gave her a small nod—you're fine, go—, and she followed Kakashi out, Sai trailing behind with his blank expression.
The door closed behind them with a soft click that sounded far too loud in the sudden quiet.
And then it was just the higher-ups and little old me.
All their attention focused on me like a laser.
Well, I thought distantly, forcing myself to maintain eye contact with Minato, here we fucking go.
The real interrogation was about to begin.
