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Memoirs 135 - Doubt
🕑 Added 2023-03-26 20:22:22 +0000 UTCA heavy atmosphere had descended over the mansion ever since Scarlett’s return. It loomed over the hallways and corridors, clinging to the nooks and crannies and stretched out across the entire estate. It left people in discomfort. Wary. Tense. As if they had done something wrong, and punishment would be meted out any second now.
The Baroness was in a bad mood.
Rosa would have to be blind not to have noticed. It was clear to anyone that paid attention. Even those who hadn’t actually seen the woman for themselves recently. It was in the very air of the mansion. But Rosa didn’t know the reason.
Unfortunately, that was only one of her worries.
She lay on the bed in her room, gazing up at the ceiling boards with tired eyes. As always, she did her best to ignore the shadows that lurked on the ceiling beams and the rest of the room, cast by the moonlight entering through the single window. Her fingers clutched at the blankets beneath her, clasping for some semblance of respite in their softness.
The visions had been getting worse again lately. They were always bad, but the degree ebbed and flowed. This past week, when Scarlett had been away on some business in Kilsfell, had been the worst in a while now. She had barely slept in three days.
It hadn’t dawned on her before now how quickly she had become reliant on Scarlett. On the peace that accompanied the woman’s presence. She had avoided interacting with others as much as she could without it looking unnatural this last week, waiting for it all to pass. Annoyed at herself for how much she wanted Scarlett to return. In the end, she hadn’t been able to stop herself from practically running to the woman’s office upon her return the day before. All for that one brief period of peace. That one chance for an actual genuine conversation not marred by what she saw. The chance to just enjoy the moment and not just hide.
Like a naive little kid who’d been waiting for their parent to get home because they were too afraid to go to sleep without them.
And then she’d had the gall to feel disappointed when Scarlett had refused to see her.
Staying close to the woman to avoid the visions had just been a stopgap to begin with. A temporary reprieve. One that she had told herself a hundred times not to get dependent on. It was only natural that Scarlett had concerns of her own and couldn’t always answer to the whims of Rosa and her unwanted passenger. It was unreasonable to expect anything more.
Yet she still found herself hoping against her better judgement.
The suffocating atmosphere in the room grew heavier as the shadows moved closer. She closed her eyes for a breath, trying to relax her heart. Then she opened them again and shifted her head to the side, glancing across the unlit space. Her attention came to rest on the klert leaning against the wall beside the exit.
When it got like this, not even her music could always help. If anything, playing her instrument made things worse. It would fight against her. The notes would come out wrong, and sometimes her fingers wouldn’t do what she wanted. And then she would hear the derisive cackling of a thousand souls from the walls.
It was frustrating.
Maddening.
Her music was the only thing that had always stayed with her, but even that was slowly disappearing. The thought of losing it completely terrified her.
She wanted it all over with. This sick game meant just to torment her for someone’s entertainment.
She wanted it to end before something bad happened. Again.
…Maybe it was time she left this mansion.
It had been months since she got here. Ages, to her. Longer than she had stayed in any one place since she was a kid. Longer than she ever thought she could stay in one place. She had told Scarlett she never wanted to leave, but…
Those had just been her hopes and dreams. It wouldn’t do her any good to stay here for too long. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. All it did was make things harder when she did leave.
She closed her eyes again, counting down from eleven. She wouldn’t be getting any more sleep tonight. That much she already knew.
Sitting up in the bed, she shuffled her legs over the edge and hovered her feet above the floor. The chill from the floorboards made her want to curl her toes up.
There were noises coming from underneath the bed.
There had been for hours.
Like hundreds of skittering legs and the slow, rustling movement of something thick and viscous.
They were ignorable. She could pretend like they didn’t exist. Sounds weren’t too bad. Not when she was on her own. Then she could tell when they weren’t real.
She put on the shoes that were resting next to the bed and stood up.
She needed a walk. Anything was better than staying cooped up in here, stuck with her own thoughts.
She didn’t bother changing and kept the ruffled set of clothes she’d worn during the day as she headed for the door. Exiting into the hallway outside, she allowed the soft light washing in from the large windows guide her way. It didn’t really matter where she went.
Almost as soon as she had left her room, sounds started following her again. They trailed behind as she moved through the mansion’s empty corridors. It was the creaking of walls; the steps around the corners; the odd whisper that escaped from out the shadows. She disregarded most of it, shutting out anything that didn’t seem like it could come from an actual person. It would look strange if she ran into one of the servants and didn’t even notice them again.
The ominous ambience clung to the surroundings as she continued idling through the mansion, the dull sounds of her feet on the carpeted floor joining the others that stalked her. The walls were lined with old paintings of stoic-looking aristocrats, their eyes tracking her carefully with poorly hidden disdain. Candles on sconces hung between the pictures, unlit. Yet shadows still danced to their tune throughout the hallways.
Rosa hummed a tune to bring her mind off it all, like she often did. But the notes felt weak. Muted. At one point, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in a passing mirror. Her curled brown hair was even more unruly than usual, and her violet eyes met her own. The reflection smiled with a twisted expression, and she turned away.
Out of the corner of her vision, she saw something more in the mirror. Something that moved and wanted her. But it couldn’t hurt her as long as she didn’t lose control.
She continued walking through the mansion—she didn’t know for how long—before finally stopping. She blinked, looking around at where she had found herself. This was the east wing.
Not far from Scarlett’s office.
Exactly where she didn’t want to go.
She spun around, taking only one step before pausing. It was the middle of the night. Scarlett probably wouldn’t even be there right now. And Rosa didn’t feel like heading back yet. It wouldn’t hurt to walk around here for a bit.
Her head turned around, looking down the hallways in the direction of Scarlett’s office.
…Who was she trying to fool?
From there, it was as if her legs took on a will of their own as she started moving. Soon, she turned around a corner to spot the noblewoman’s office at the end of the hall. Slowly, she continued towards it, eyes locked on the murky darkness that drifted around the door frame and clamored to it like a fog. It didn’t dare to enter. Scarlett was inside.
A soft purring brought Rosa out of her trance.
She shifted her attention to her right. There, on the windowsill looking out at the dark courtyard outside, was a cat. Its jet-black fur almost melted into the surroundings, but its clear, amethyst eyes were looking at her with an appraising gaze.
It purred once more, and Rosa found herself lowering her head out of pure instinct.
This wasn’t a normal cat. It wasn’t part of one of her visions, either. What was this? She had never seen Scarlett with a cat near her. Or any kind of pet, really. It probably didn’t belong to her. From the feeling Rosa got from it, this cat didn’t belong to anyone.
Several seconds passed with them just looking at each other, and before Rosa had the chance to fully gather herself and speak, the cat had leaped down from the windowsill in one graceful movement and strode up to her. It circled her legs once, tail jutting up pridefully, then let out a short meow before wandering down the hallway she had come from.
Rosa watched wordlessly as the cat soon disappeared around the corner, the words still stuck in her throat.
For some reason, she wanted to both laugh and cry at the same time. Just one look was enough to tell her how ridiculous it was meeting this cat here, even though she didn’t know why. But it also felt like it has seen through her with just one glance. Pitying her.
She looked back at the door to Scarlett’s office. Now she wanted to go inside even more.
She stepped closer to it, reaching a hand to the elaborate silver handle and stopping only as she touched the cool surface of the metal. Inside, she could almost feel Scarlett’s presence. There was a weak light sneaking out from under the door as well, hinting that the noblewoman was still awake.
A stray thought entered Rosa’s mind.
…Maybe she could finally bring herself to ask Scarlett about her condition? She had been observing the woman for a while now, gauging the woman’s personality. Seeing what she could do.
Maybe Scarlett was different? Maybe she could actually help her?
Those were all thoughts Rosa had been nurturing for months now. She had been trying to muster the courage to finally ask several times over, but it always led to the same outcome. A fake smile and her changing the topic. But maybe, just maybe, if it was tonight, she could do it.
She started as a loud thud sounded out from inside. Like a book being slammed onto a table in anger.
She stared at the door.
…No, Scarlett already had enough troubles of her own. The woman liked to hide it, but Rosa knew at least that much. She didn’t have to add any more on top of that. Scarlett had been nothing but generous and owed her nothing. If anything, the kindest thing Rosa could do in return was leave.
In fact, she should tell Scarlett that right now. Otherwise, she might never get to it. She would just keep ignoring it. Keep delaying it, like she always did. And then what? Then it would all repeat. Just like it always did. Everything was going to go wrong again and it would be her fault and there will be nothing she can do about it even if she regrets it and—
She shook her head, forcing her thoughts away from that course. She needed a clear mind if she was going to do this now. Taking a deep breath, she counted down from eleven before opening the door.
The room inside was poorly lit, with only a single candle sitting on the corner of Scarlett’s desk. The red-haired noblewoman looked up from a pile of books, maps, and letters that was spread out before her, with a hint of a scowl on her face at first.
“…Miss Hale. I did not know you were still awake.”
Rosa glanced around the office. It was quiet and devoid of any nightmarish visions. Two bookshelves were placed on each side of the room, and a few paintings hung on the walls. The one behind Scarlett, depicting a vast battlefield with armies pressing into a deep valley, caught her eyes as usual, her gaze lingering on it for a second.
“Well, you know how I am,” she said after a moment, tearing her eyes away and aiming them at Scarlett. "I like to take late nights walks now and then. Just so happened to pass by, so I thought I’d see if you were still up. There was something I wanted to talk about.”
The woman had a hand pressed to her forehead, leaning over her desk. She looked…tired. “I apologize, but this is not the best time for a conversation, Miss Hale.”
“I get that.” Rosa closed the door behind her, annoyed at the comfort she felt from shutting out the world. “But this is something I need to talk about right now. Or it might be too late.”
Scarlett seemed to consider her for a second, then closed her eyes with a small sigh and gestured towards the armchair in the room’s corner. The woman had it moved here for Rosa because of all her visits. “Very well. Take a seat.”
Rosa stayed quiet as she moved over to the chair and sat down.
Scarlett was looking at her. “And? What was there you wished to discuss?” There was a slight tenseness to her voice.
Rosa’s heart hammered in her ears as she met the woman’s gaze. She opened her mouth, but her throat tightened before the words came out.
Why was she like this? First, she couldn’t bring herself to share her situation with the woman because she was afraid of what might happen, but now she couldn’t even get herself to say that she was leaving either.
“…If it is something you have this much difficulty to speak of, then it might be best to leave it for another time.” Scarlett seemed to see through her immediately. “I do not mean to be rude, but I also do not wish to mince words. This is far from a suitable occasion to discuss delicate matters, and I am not in the mood for your usual jests.”
Rosa tried a small smile. “No offense, but I could tell. I assume whatever business you dealt with the other day didn’t go well?”
It really would be better if she could do this tomorrow instead. Or any other day. She was being inconsiderate enough to Scarlett as is.
But no. It was best for all of them if this was done tonight. Now, if only she could get herself to actually do so.
Scarlett paused for a moment, tapping her finger against the cover of a book on her desk. “…Is it that obvious?”
“Are you kidding?” Rosa let out a brief laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere without pushing the woman. “You’ve had basically all the servants on their toes since you returned. Allyssa and Shin seem to think someone had a funeral, and Fynn has been acting like a dejected guard dog for a day and a half. There’s no one who hasn’t noticed. It’s in the air itself.”
Some members of the staff had been genuinely scared when Scarlett first returned. Not everyone had understood what this strange sensation pressing down on them was, and Rosa had heard more than one whisper of ghosts.
It was an odd phenomenon. While Rosa knew that weird emerald of Scarlett’s was the cause, she didn’t really understand the why and how behind it all either.
She raised her hands up. “But I won’t pry. Everybody’s got skeletons in the closet that they’d rather be kept there. Things didn’t go quite as you wanted, and we’ll leave it at that.” She gestured to the cluttered desk in front of the woman. “You’ve…eh….been keeping yourself busy since you got back, it seems?”
Scarlett furled up one of the maps on the desk and placed it to the side, covering up a couple of the letters that seemed to have her writing on them in the process. “Due to some…vexing circumstances…I am attempting to locate a certain individual.” The expression on her face was stiff, as if she was struggling to maintain it, and there was a sharpness to her words now. “I would prefer not to go into further detail for the time being.”
Rosa eyed her for a few seconds. This was the first time she had seen her like this, and she found herself feeling sorry for whoever had angered the woman. “Well, forget about it. Like I said, I won’t pry.”
“Yes, I am well aware of the degree to which you care about the sanctity of maintaining secrets.”
She stilled. “…I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” She let out a small laugh.
Scarlett studied her. “No… I am sure you do not.”
They locked eyes, and a thought poked Rosa at the back of her head. A growing notion she had always played off as nothing but her own fanciful daydreaming. But there were times when she suspected…
“It’s hard, you know…” The words left her in a whisper.
“…What is?”
Her eyes widened. She hastily waved her hand in the air and looked away. “Hah, never mind. That just sounds misleading when I say it like that. There really wasn’t any meaning behind it, so forget I said anything.”
Here she was again. She had already decided what she was here to do, yet she was still hesitating.
Scarlett considered her quietly for several seconds, and Rosa felt like squirming under her gaze. She had no idea what was going through the woman’s mind now at the moment.
“…How far has it gone, at the moment?”
Rosa almost forgot to breathe as those words reached her, a chill washing through her body.
Scarlett did know.
She stared at the woman.
…Of course she knew. This was Scarlett they were talking about. What didn’t Scarlett know?
What was surprising was that Rosa had deluded herself into thinking that the woman might actually be unaware of the truth. In fact, the reason she had wanted to tell Scarlett in the first place was because she was likely to know something about it.
Was this relief she felt? Anxiety? Hope?
Rosa genuinely couldn’t tell. She didn’t know what was what.
How much did Scarlett know? For how long? Scarlett had known who she was before they even met, so…since the beginning?
But why would any sane person look for her if they knew the truth about her condition? No matter what services Rosa could provide, it wouldn’t make up for that. Unless… Scarlett had sought her out specifically because of it?
Like a dam bursting, a deluge of questions rose up that Rosa was both afraid and hoped to hear the answer to, each one threatening to pour out at once.
“…I misspoke,” Scarlett suddenly said. “You do not have to answer that question.”
Rosa was brought out of her thoughts. “No, wait, I’m—”
“Let me rephrase.” Scarlett held up a hand. “Do not answer that question. This is not the right time.”
The woman looked down at her other hand, and Rosa blinked as she saw part of the skin take on a darker hue. Scarlett quickly hid it under the desk.
Rosa kept staring at the woman. “What was that?”
“Something you should not concern yourself with for now,” Scarlett eventually answered in a stern, but tired, voice. Rosa felt like she could hear pain as well. “Now, what was it that you wished to discuss with me that could not wait?”
Rosa slowly opened her mouth, then closed it. She had come here to say she was leaving, but now, she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to ask questions, but the atmosphere in the room and Scarlett’s tone made it clear she wouldn’t accept those right now.
“No, it was just…” She eventually found her voice, though she wasn’t even sure what came out. “I ran into this strange cat outside, and I thought I had to bring it up with you.”
“A…cat, you say?” Scarlett’s eyes shifted to the door, gazing at it as if she could peer through the wood.
“Yes. It had black fur and was lying on the windowsill. It left right after it saw me, though.”
For some reason, Rosa knew that it hadn’t just left for another part of the mansion.
“…I suppose it would soon be time,” Scarlett muttered.
“Do you know why that cat was there?” With the previous avenue of conversation closed to her, Rosa was happy to grasp on to this change in subject.
The woman nodded her head slowly. “I do, yes. It is not a bad omen, if that is your concern. Perhaps it could even be considered a good one. However…” A pensive expression formed on her face. “There is still much to be done.”
“That’s right, you must be busy with preparations for that fancy ball thing that’s taking place next week, don’t you?”
Scarlett stared at her as if that had completely slipped her mind. The woman raised a hand to her temple. “True… There is that as well. In my current state, however, I fear that I might accidentally reduce the first person to approach me with fake pleasantries to ashes.”
Normally, this was where Rosa would have laughed and said that Scarlett was finally getting the hang of jokes, but she felt like the woman was completely serious. Despite seeming like the type who would love that type of event, Scarlett did not look excited. It felt strange, seeing this woman who was usually so unflappable this…exposed.
A few seconds of silence passed between them. Eventually, Scarlett lowered her hand and returned her attention to Rosa. “What do you say of visiting Freymeadow in the morning?”
Rosa studied her tired face for a moment, then showed a small, genuine smile. “Yeah, sure. That might be nice.”
She didn’t know what would happen from now on, but…maybe she could wait for a bit longer. No, maybe she had to. And then maybe, just maybe, she could find something that helped her stop running.
Comments
AKi1red
Alright my favorite character is in limbo.. 2nd fav is on the skitz and mc has a blood hound and a mission. Don't let me down Mr wordsmith
stublstm
Shifting from Scarlets perspective to Rosa from last ch. made me "feel" how angry she was. And I think is the first time I feel that this story is about a villainess, that you don't want to fuck around.
magub
Must say I really like Rosa’s character now and her interactions with Scarlet.
Kiru
Also, author should probably add a note to the description of the Expert tier explaining the bug with the shown price tag, I don't think a notice in your About page and the post a couple weeks ago will suffice for new readers
Kiru
I swear to god I thought I remembered Rosa guessing that the source of the tense atmosphere surrounding the mansion was the loci, referring to it as some sort of gem, I don't remember which specific gem. Am I going crazy, did the author edit that part out, or is it still in the chapter and I just can't find it?
Kiru
It probably has to do with the deal she made with Rose’s demon a while back when it fully possessed her. I think it was when that situation with wolf boy was happening and they had to go through that trial?
Jo
...uh.... did I miss what has happened to her hand?
