thoughtslime
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2021 in review
🕑 Added 2021-12-28 19:45:01 +0000 UTCThis has been a turbulent year for me in many ways (I'm sure it has been for you most of you as well, because you know, the whole world is collapsing in front of our eyes and nobody is doing anything about it), but I've come out the other end in a place where I feel far more at ease with myself and what I make. I thought it would be worth reflecting on that a little, and letting you know where I stand.
I began 2021 in a kind of crisis. I had become more "successful" than I had ever been, I was working harder than I ever had, and I was still desperately unhappy. For my entire life I had told myself (much like I'm sure most people do under late capitalism) that if I were simply financially secure, if I were creatively fulfilled, if I were able to dedicate myself to something I cared about... if I had all that, I could be happy.
When finding success didn't immediately turn around my depression and transform me magically into a happier person, it sent me into a tailspin. I threw myself harder and harder into my work, and the harder I worked the more miserable I felt. I had everything I ever wanted, I was one of the lucky few in such an extremely privileged position, and I still felt like shit. The inescapable conclusion was that nothing could ever make me not feel like shit, no relief was ever coming.
What's more, I began to question the approach I had taken to political pedagogy. Seeing a new generation of sharper, more educated, more thoughtful creators made my realize that I wasn't really "needed" anymore. My skillset (explaining things in a digestible and concise way) had kind of outlived it's value, as I had explained the basics of my worldview and now found myself unequipped to tackle more complicated questions.
I began to see how I, and people like me, had unintentionally created an environment where a lot of authority was given to people who could speak eloquently, regardless of the substance of what they said. I saw the new-media landscape that I had helped build, that I had uncritically celebrated, weaponized to silence marginalized voices time and again... and eventually it dawned on me that this wasn't something I was watching from the outside; I was actively participating in building it. That I had been warned time and time again that the domination of "left-tube" by exclusively people who looked like me would lead to this result, but in my arrogance had failed to internalize that warning.
I saw the work ahead of me to make the type of thing I had been trying to make, but to make it responsibly... and I was not up to the task. I simply didn't have it in me. I felt I was doing more harm than good.
That was the part of the year that was a huge bummer, congrats on making it through the bummer part of this post.
At about the midpoint of this year, I discovered that I had ADHD. I don't think I can convey to neurotypical readers the gravity of this discovery: Suddenly I had an explanation for everything I felt was "deficient" about me, that wasn't simply "You're a shitty guy."
The fact that I couldn't make observations as salient as a guy like John The Duncan or We're In Hell, or that I couldn't be as effortlessly charming and funny as someone like Big Joel, or that I couldn't see the subtext in difficult works of art like Hbomberguy or Sophie from Mars, wasn't simply because I was "dumb" or "intellectually incurious." All along it was because my particular brain chased dopamine in different places than theirs did.
It was a seismic shift in my self perception. To be suddenly aware of why my brain operates the way it does after a lifetime of being told that it should be operating a different way. To learn that there wasn't actually something wrong with me, but that I was trying to work and behave like a neurotypical person would, and of course I can't do that.
So what if instead of trying to emulate other people, and failing to make their content as well as they could... what if I leaned into doing what I can do well? What if I followed the way my brain wandered instead of trying to wrangle it back into position? What if that wasn't a deficiency, but instead a different set of strengths than my peers? In other words: What if I just let myself do whatever the fuck I wanted to do?
In my opinion, this choice has led to some of my best work. Even the videos that I am not particularly passionate about have benefited from this approach. I feel as though I have become more "myself" in the later part of this year, and put more of my personality into the things I am making. They look better, they're more fun, and they're funnier. Consistently.
Furthermore it has allowed me to be more vulnerable and honest with all of you. To wear my foibles on my sleeve, and remind you that I am not someone who's opinions you should take as gospel. It has taught me humility, which I hope will be the antidote to the toxicity I described earlier, but if not... at least I stop contributing to that toxicity.
I won't lie to you, there has been a bit of a compromise here; Growth on my channel has kind of cratered since adopting this approach. That's understandable, I think. People came to me to see one kind of thing and I'm not really interested in making that kind of thing anymore. Nobody owes me anything, and if what I am making no longer serves you, I'm not mad about that. You have little time on this Earth and you don't owe a second of it to me, go do whatever you find meaningful!
But I'm optimistic. I think I've only begun to see what I am capable of. When I started making videos I was desperately poor, doodling and editing on a second hand tablet that was falling apart. Over time I have taught myself dozens of skills, and honed my craft to a point that would have been inconceivable to me just a few years ago. I have bought, and learned to operate, fancy equipment and software. I hope to continue learning and improving over time, to make things I am a little more proud of each and every week.
I got lucky to be here, no if ands or buts about it. I'm eatin' well because folks like you here on Patreon are paying me out of the kindness of your hearts, and there is nothing I can say to convey the depth of my gratitude for the privilege of your trust. I'm here because of you. Plenty of people who deserve to be here more than me are struggling. This is not a meritocracy.
I got lucky, but I didn't JUST get lucky. I put in a lot of elbow grease, and a lot of passion. I found my distinct voice through trial and error. It's not an accident, or mistake, or trick that people like the things that I make. I just made cool things, and people like them. I learned to do that from nothing, simply because I felt called to.
Along the way I gave away every bit of institutional knowledge I had. I was completely transparent about my entire process, and tried to lift as many people up with me as I could. I still do. I have stumbled many times and done things I am not proud of, but I have always tried to be receptive to feedback and to learn from my mistakes. I did it my way.
And if I did all that, I have to trust myself. I don't have to be a worse version of Shaun or Three Arrows or Zoe Baker or Philosophy Tube or whatever standard I was holding myself to before, I have to be the best version of Thought Slime. I have to be the most Thought Slime I can be.
So I'm leaving behind my self-flagellation in 2021. I never had bad self-esteem, it turns out. That guy I hated? That was never me.
Comments
Sata Prescott
I've just joined as a Patreon due to the release of the TS4.0. I am excited for your stretching your creativity and capability, and also want to offset anyone who might withdraw their pledge. Much love for you work, Mildred!
Naomi Starlight
Making our identities is a lifelong, ongoing process.
As for me, I stumbled across your channel and have enjoyed much of what you provide. Your efforts are sincere and the work you put into them apparent. As a cis white male, the work you and many others I follow has been nothing short of transformative for the perspective on myself and the world I encounter. Keep doing what you love and , in effect, shouting into the storm. I feel that enough of us shout in our own special ways, maybe we will be heard. The Buddhist in me tries not to get attached to tha. The anarchist in me is always considering the Howard why of our formation. The father of two young women who are just now stepping out onto this hells cape sincerely hopes that this will be true. Let's continue to be kind to each other and ourselves. Now. On to the 2022 mid-terms!
Oops, forgot to add... "Go get 'em tiger!"
Well you're not getting rid of me that easily. I'll stick around as a Patron for the unseeable (is that a word) future. I mean, either you're gonna become even more successful as your channel grows out of control. Or it'll be a mad dash into obscurity. I figure either way it will be entertaining to watch.
The Children of Jack Acid
and now the field is free for ME TO BE THE BEST ZOE BAKER!
big sinking energy
By not breaking yourself you are missing out on an incredible opportunity to gain more followers, patrons, and most importantly, capital.
This is great. I felt like you were really turning around for the better with the Thought Slime 3.0 deal. And I still do.
muddlewait
Positively inspiring! Thanks for writing it. I, too, need to remember that following my nonstandard brain isn’t a crime. This helped remind me of that.
David James Brown
I don't patronizing the others you mentioned. Perhaps I should but my resources are rather limited. I chose to support your efforts (in my very small way) because your content really resonates with me and honestly makes me happy to experience. I'm glad you're on this planet. Thanks for sharing.
DuckReconMajor
love Big Joel but i have to give you the edge on funny and charm
Incredible insight because we've told all our lives that being successful and passionate about what you do is all you need to be happy. And yet that isn't it at all. So many people have fallen into the same trap - trying to live up to other's standards and failing to. TS you do you. I'm glad you're feeling better bud.
duke86fan
So motivational and beautiful.. love your stuff (when a video about a quartering tweet was one of the best of the year)
we're just happy you're happy.
I recently started watching after having been introduced by such folks as Abigail and Shaun; those I would presume you would include under your umbrella of 'more eloquent'. I enjoy all the content equally. You all have different ways of delivering messages; yours in particualar I enjoy since I am very sympathetic to anarcho-things. I love all of you for doing what you're doing. You're all saying things that would make me an outcast (and already am, to a degree) to the conservative family and, in the past, schools and friends and military. I want to be able to believe and understand those things in such a way that I don't just feel like I am saying soundbites, but that I can discuss my views even when pressured, and your videos, like the others, help a lot. I don't care how it is presented; I find them all equally compelling in their own ways; I found yours to be endlessly entertaining and I keep finding more and more videos to watch. I can see the tonal shift over the years. Even the early videos, where you are but a simple drawing, had so much heart in them that I, as stated, do not care about the presentation. I care about the content. And I feel, and hope, others who truly want to embrace the left ideologies feel the same. If someone requires the flare and magnanimity of Abigail to feel sympathetic to the left, I feel that's fake. As above, I am happy-crying writing this post because I felt so happy, after binge watching so much of your content over these past weeks and learning more about you and your style, and being able to integrate that into my still-learning and still-growing belief that some form of anarchy, or at minimum the awareness of the failure of capitalism, is needed. I come from an upper middle class family that was ruined during the mortgage bubble. I am a veteran from during the Obama administration. I was all bright eyed and happy to serve at age 18. What I saw and learned during my service as an intel op made me change my mentality forever. You are doing an amazing thing, NEVER compare yourself to others, because you bring YOU to the table, and your words are as strong as any, as long as they come from the heart (and some research and some avoiding misinfo etc etc). I recently came to terms with having BPD and am now properly medicated for it. I have some ADHD tendencies caused by bad depressive drug abuse in the past. When you come to terms with your issues, they help you solve many other 'oh my gosh, so that's why I was doing crazy shit all the time and people thought I was losing it, BECAUSE I WAS LOSING IT'. I'm not fixed, no one is broken, we just need help in a personal way. Good luck Mildred, and (no one in particular for that would be granting power to a subject)'s speed.
Sinn Sage
i love this so much! and i appreciate you being vulnerable to us, and i KNOW that it makes such a difference in so many people's lives. even when it feels insignificant, please remember that it is NOT! changing even one person's day or mindset for the better makes it all worth it, and you do that on a regular basis. we all appreciate you! also, i love that you are experimenting with makeup and as an amateur mua myself it's so cool to watch your journey.
Forest Joy and Shahar Shrek
i'm so happy to be able to support you. while i think your content was always good+, wouldn't want it if it's bad for your well being. as a neurodivergent person, the part about you discovering you have a name to what you're going through, that it's not a moral failing or bad personality made me happy-cry. you deserve not beating yourself up over it. self hate is poison. stay safe and a happy new year, forest joy
we love you
Meg Sumner
So glad you're feeling better, it had to be quite the revelation discovering you have ADHD. Like finding the puzzle piece that had kept you from seeing the whole picture. It's kind of hokey but a lot of us are here not because of the topics you cover but because we like YOU. It says a lot about you that you'd devote a part of your videos to lifting up other small lefty youtubers, I know I contribute to at least two other patreons because you linked to them. Whether you believe it or not, you're doing some good in the world, and that's more than a lot of people can claim.
I just wanted to say, holy shit, getting medicated for ADHD after not knowing you have it is so life-altering. It is crazy how much of a difference it makes.
Kat
I mean, I know the conceit is that you don't know what's happening in the eyeball zone, but you should check out those clips sometime. Someone is using your channel to spread some views to an eclectic spread of channels, and my viewing habits have been broadened by it. Judging by the comments sections under those videos numerous of your followers are having their views broadened by it.
I like your "you" stuff. It's very fun. I really enjoy the way you point out the absurdity of things, but you're also thoughtful and insightful. Your videos feel fun and approachable. Like you're playing for the love of the game.
UrDude
I love the new content, I've also been binging ScaredyCats, so I'm glad you're having more fun with it. You don't need to do fully cited deep dives on the bullshit, we know you CAN and we know you HAVE. What you DO need to do is the following: 1) make t-shirts, specifically with that funky little ScaredyCats logo, thats adorable 2) please help JohnTheDuncan with his audio quality, I love him but despite having what looks like the same mic as you, it sounds like talking through a soup can while the soups still there.
We love you, Thought Slime! Your content has demystified deeply mysterious concepts for me, and personally empowered me (and certainly others.) I know I can’t speak for everyone but that I am also not alone in my opinion that you, your work, and the community you are a part of fostering are truly an uplifting force for many in this life.
Urnow
Thank you for being not one, but 2 blips of comfort and enjoyment every week for the duration of this year. Yours and Stephanie Sterling's videos helped to push me to seek a formal diagnosis for my ADHD and start to get help. Keep being you, cause who you are is pretty rad.
Grieve
"Do what you like and we'll like what you do when you do it." More power to you, my asymmetric friend.
Tomi Nabach
as someone who just started taking adhd meds this year, a lot of what you're realizing right now is very, very relatable because I'm going through the same realizations that my brain just functions differently, and I can learn to work with that. The thing about the meds is that it's more like I can remember how to deal with things instead of feeling like they're reducing my symptoms.... I'm sure they're doing both lmao, but it really feels a lot more like I'm remembering "oh right, if there's too much stimulation right now, you can put in your headphones." It's been fantastic to just accept that I need to just deal with things in my way, and that that's not lesser than anyone else, just different. Sorry that this comment is so long 😅 seeing you go on this journey and come into your own on your channel has really been helping and encouraging me as I make the same changes to the things I do. I'm so, SO happy for you 💜💜💜
Dude (dudette?), You're fantastic. The content you provide is amazing. Just know I have been and will be looking forward to every video you release. You keep doing you, and know doing you is awesome.
The Silver Samaritan
This is all very heartening to read, and I have a feeling the "crater" will look like a blip down the road :) Can't wait to see where you take things next.
Your content is uplifting and funny, and also incredibly thought provoking. But, you're worth more than just what you put out. Parasocial relationships are weird - so basically I think you're rad and I hope rad things happen for you.
