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Book 8, Chapters 1, 2, and 3. Plus Tour Update
🕑 Added 2025-02-22 03:49:42 +0000 UTCHeat 1 of 8
Chapter 1
Welcome, Crawler. Welcome to the tenth floor.
Time to Level Collapse: Level timer has been temporarily suspended for this floor. Please wait for the announcement from that inebriated fish if we can manage to wake her up for the details.
Views: 933 septillion
Followers: 3.5 Quintillion
Favorites: 971 Quadrillion
Leaderboard rank: 3
Bounty: 6,000,000 gold
Congrats, Crawler. You have received a Platinum Venison Box.
Remaining Crawlers: 5,501
Entering your garage.
Warning: The next heat starts in five minutes. Safe Room Access is blocked until the heat is over.
I hit the tiled floor with a heavy thump. One moment I’d been sitting in the zero zone, talking with Quasar about that psychotic naga woman who’d convinced the courts that she was now my wife, and about how Donut had ripped her a new asshole during their meeting, and the next I was here.
I stood and looked about, wiping myself off. I was still covered in blood and gore and red ash from the end of Faction Wars. This was a large room with a black and white checkered, tiled floor and corrugated metal walls, like a smaller sized airplane hangar. It was cold. I turned to face the only other creature in here. Two creatures, I realized. It was a pair of white-tagged gremlins, standing in the back corner, both wearing overalls.
I blinked at the NPCs just as Donut appeared next to me with a yowl. She hit the ground sideways, yelped, and then popped up to her feet.
Donut jumped to my shoulder and gave me a quick headbutt.
“Carl, I’m atop the leaderboard again! I’m number one!”
“I’m very happy for you,” I said.
“So, I met the new wife,” she said. “She’s quite the charmer. Have you met her yet?”
“Yeah, I heard a little about your meeting,” I said. I gave her a pat. “I haven’t met her, but Quasar filled me in. I heard you grabbed the upper hand pretty quickly.”
“Don’t be racist. It’s upper paw. But, yes. If she thinks she can just slither in and take advantage of the Posse like that, that legless bitch has another thing coming. And I thought Miss Beatrice was bad. You sure know how to pick them, Carl.”
I was about to protest, but I paused. There was an ominous countdown timer in the upper left of my vision, and I didn’t know what it meant. It was at four minutes and thirty seconds and counting down. We needed to figure it out before we did anything else.
“Where are we?” She gasped again. “I have to pick a new class!”
Donut: MORDECAI I HAVE TO PICK A NEW CLASS. HELP ME WITH THE CHOICES.
Mordecai: There you guys are. It’s been a few days since the end of the last floor. A lot has happened out there. That can wait. You have four minutes to get your vehicle ready. Donut, you’re back as party leader, so you’ll have to choose it, but it probably won’t pop up until you pick your class. So pick something fast. Work quickly.
I turned in a circle. At the front of the garage was a massive, roll-up door. A chain pully system criss-crossed the ceiling. I’d seen plenty of similar systems in both car shops and drydock repair bays, used for lifting engines and other heavy components. The two gremlins started jogging toward us.
I already knew some of what was going on out there because Quasar had told me, but even he hadn’t known everything that had happened. As I looked about, I quickly clicked through the messages and pop-ups that had appeared, my heart still racing. I briefly paused at that number 5,501. That meant 75% of us had taken deals.
I took the briefest of moments to let that sink in. Such an overwhelming sense of second-hand relief flooded over me. And, honestly, a small amount of jealousy. I didn’t blame anyone for tapping out. Each and every one of them had earned it.
Part of me wished I had the luxury. Even if this had been a normal crawl, I knew that path wouldn’t be for me.
I was stalling, even if just for another second. I already knew what the next message was. A message reminding me why I would never be able to take that path. I took a breath.
Justice Light: I am not sorry. Peace to you all, brothers and sisters.
This message is from a deceased NPC.
A pull of sadness overwhelmed me. I already knew Justice Light was dead. Quasar had told me. Still, the sight of those words was like a kick to the stomach.
You crazy asshole, I thought. What did you did? What did that trap do?
As I looked at it, a response came in on the group chat.
Rosetta: Rest well, comrade. We are not far behind.
She was still in here in the saferoom, as was Tipid. They’d both been converted to hired mercenaries.
Quasar hadn’t really known the specifics. All he knew was that the Nothing was “broken” and that everything was in chaos on the 12th and 18th floors because of whatever Justice Light had done. And furthermore, the outworlders on those two floors were protected from really dying by the system AI. They could get hurt on the 18th floor, they could still “die,” but they would immediately get brought back to their rooms in the club. A club that was physically inside of the now-awake dungeon boss. The system wasn’t letting anyone eject to the onboarding facility because the facility in question had since been blown out of orbit by Homecoming Queen. And some of the things that had leaked from the Nothing were using this to their advantage. It was like what we’d done to Growler Gary, but worse. Much worse.
Quasar had only given me a quick version of these things. So far, the now-awake Scolopendra hadn’t done anything other than move around a lot. Regardless, the worm’s actions didn’t affect us when we weren’t on the 12th or 15th or 18th floor. Apparently the tourists on the 18th floor had the ability to move themselves to the 16th floor where it was safe, but they first had to make their way through the 17th floor for some reason, where it was not, and anyone who even attempted it got turned to mince and immediately brought back to life on the 18th where the worst of the worst were stalking the hallways.
Forgotten gods. Demons from hundreds of former quests. All sorts of other horrific creatures. Several had made their way to the 18th floor, but, luckily—or not luckily, depending on how you looked at it—these creatures all appeared inside the final boss. And not just inside the monster’s guts, but inside the club where they immediately set themselves on the guests. Guests who couldn’t die, no matter what was being done to them.
When a guest died, they basically got regenerated in their room, and their rooms had security that kept others out. But, apparently, some of these NPCs and gods were quite smart and had already figured this out, taking efforts not to let any captured off worlders die.
The cameras had gone dark after the first few hours, and all the AI would say is “It’s not time for these floors. Focus on the 10th and on the Ascendency games.”
Those on the 12th were faring better, considering they were in the bodies of gods with god powers. Though apparently the non-sponsored gods were all suddenly acting quite strange. And not only that, but some had disappeared, and the AI wasn’t telling anyone where they’d gone. That’s all Quasar had known. We hadn’t time to get into the details. I hoped the city of Larracos and all those who’d gone with it to the 12th floor were doing okay.
More messages came in, but I didn’t have time to read them in detail. I didn’t want to read them in detail, other to note who was here and who wasn’t. Elle. Imani. Zhang. Florin. Louis. Chris. Britney. Bautista. All checking in. Prepotente had some rant about Jurgen that I didn’t understand.
So many of my friends hadn’t taken deals.
Donut: OMG THESE CLASSES STILL COME WITH ACCESSORIES!
She gasped.
Donut: SOME COME WITH PET ACCESSORIES! THE LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRL COMES WITH A FEATHERED HAT FOR MONGO! AND ONE FOR REND, TOO!
Mordecai: That’s a good class, but this one might be better.
Donut: I AM NOT PICKING ZOO WARDEN. MY GOODNESS. OHHH, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE? PROBLEMATIC INFLUENCER? IT COMES WITH AN UPGRADE TO MY SOCIAL MEDIA BOARD!
Mordecai: You don’t need any more charisma boosts. You’re going to want to focus on offensive spells.
Donut: THERE’S ANOTHER TAB! LOOK AT THIS ONE!
Mordecai: Holy shit, I see it. Uh, we should probably study these further before you pick one from this tab, and we don’t have time. These are in association with your other deity titles. They’re all related to something Odette pulled, and I’m not certain what picking any of these really mean. This is all new to me.
Donut: WE ARE IN A HURRY, BUT THESE ARE MUCH BETTER. THIS ONE COMES WITH THE DEATH RAY SPELL AND THE HEALING AURA AND A HAT. WHAT DOES PREHISTORIC FORM MEAN?
She gasped all over again as she, presumably, saw yet another benefit or class.
Donut: I’M PICKING IT.
Donut glowed.
Donut: HEY! I JUST GOT A REALLY NASTY MESSAGE FROM KHEPRI. ISN’T THAT THE WEIRD BUG GOD THAT CARL AND KATIA FOUGHT ON THE LAST FLOOR? IT SAYS HE’S FORMING A “DEATH CULT” IN MY NAME. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Mordecai: Nothing good.
“What did you pick?” I asked.
“Assassin of Sekhmet,” she said. “It comes with accessories for every pet in the party, and all sorts of great spells and other stuff! I can phase like you can!”
Warning: The next Heat starts in two minutes, and you don’t even have a vehicle or mount. You’re not allowed to walk, dumbasses.
“Carl, what is a ‘heat’? That sounds obscene.”
The gremlins were suddenly there, both looking worried. One was a female gremlin, named Hedy, and the other a male named Donovan. They both started talking at once, shouting about us having to quickly make a choice. These shouts turned to a scuffle, and then, out of nowhere, they were suddenly beating the shit out of each other, all the while they continued to shout at us. I could barely understand either of them. The woman gremlin had been lugging a red toolbox, but she’d dropped it to the ground the moment they’d started to fight. The man had some sort of vegetable in his hand. It was a tan-colored gourd, and he was now attempting to bash it over the head of the woman gremlin.
I quickly examined them both as they grappled, starting with the woman.
Hedy. Gremlin. Level 30 vehicle mechanic.
This is an applicant to be manager of your garage.
This is a non-combatant NPC.
Hedy is an expert in all things mechanical. If you choose a mechanical-based vehicle, she will be in charge of your garage. Don’t let her appearance fool you. She’s about as experienced as one can get when it comes to engines. If you can limp your vehicle—and yourselves—back to the garage, rest assured it’ll be good as new by the time the next heat starts.
Warning: Just because Hedy is a non-combatant NPC, it doesn’t mean she’s invulnerable. If something happens to her, your vehicle will not get repaired between heats. Your upgrades won’t automatically get installed. You will need to put measures in place to protect Hedy.
Hedy is not allowed to enter your saferoom.
The second description was similar.
Donovan. Gremlin. Level 30 animal trainer.
This is an applicant to be manager of your garage.
This is a non-combatant NPC.
Donovan is an expert in all things biological. If you choose a flesh-based vehicle, he will be in charge of your garage. From a minor case of the sniffles to appendage amputation, he will make certain your trusty mount is ready for the next heat.
Donovan had the same set of warnings as the other gremlin at the end.
The two gremlins continued to roll across the garage floor. Donovan had Hedy pinned and was smacking her over the head with his gourd thing as she blindly reached for her toolbox.
As soon as I finished reading both descriptions, a new message popped up.
Your party leader must choose the manner of vehicle. Mechanical or biological. Once you choose between the two, you will spin the wheel for the specific vehicle chassis or creature. This will be your conveyance for the entirety of the floor.
“A vehicle?” Donut said incredulously. “I have the Twinkle Toes spell and a level 15 Heal Critter. Mongo won’t like another animal in the party, but it’s probably the best choice.”
“Pet spells don’t work on special mounts,” Hedy the gremlin gasped from the floor. She managed to grasp her toolbox and reach inside. She pulled a mallet that was much too big to have fit in the box. With a shout of triumph, she swung the giant mallet, clocking the other gremlin. She remained on the floor, panting. “Neither Twinkle Toes or Heal Critter will work on them!”
The other gremlin growled as he scrambled to his feet. He bled profusely from a cut on his head. He still held the gourd in his hand. “Don’t tell them that, you bitch!” He jumped at the prone woman like a wrestler leaping from the ropes, gourd over his head as he smashed it upon his opponent’s face. The vegetable thing broke into pieces, and tiny bugs spilled out, crawling all over her. The woman gremlin shrieked, wiping them off with her free hand as she writhed on the ground. She blindly swung her mallet, almost catching me in the foot.
“It’s the truth, jackass,” she called as she sputtered.
“Carl, what is happening?” Donut demanded.
“Uh, I think they’re both applying for a job.”
We had one minute left.
“My goodness, you two. Quit fighting!” Donut called. “Carl, I’m starting to feel the definition of ‘non-combatant’ is very loose.”
“What did you call me, you unshaven hedge-creeper?” Donovan bellowed as he punched Hedy right in the face with a closed fist. There was a terrible crunch.
“What about Repair and Fix scrolls and potions?” I asked.
“Nope,” Donovan said triumphantly as he continued to pound her in the face. He grunted with each punch. “All vehicles are proprietary to the arena. That stuff you use for your other vehicles ain’t gonna work. Ever seen a Charm Wombat? You can’t get better handling than one of those furry bastards. And with a few upgrades... Ooof!”
He didn’t finish as the mallet once again connected with his head with a wet smack. He tumbled away.
Hedy sat up and sneezed, sending blood and beetles everywhere. “If you have any other pets in your party, a mechanical vehicle won’t ever try to eat them,” she said as she gasped.
And with that one statement, I knew Hedy had won the fight.
From next door I heard the revving of a high-octane engine, like a muscle car. The walls of our garage shook.
“You,” Donut said, pointing at Hedy. “I choose you.”
“Ha!” Hedy shouted.
“Wait, wait, please,” Donovan said, backing away, still holding his head. “You could get a Cloud Cheetah. With their speed and agility...”
“I’m quite sorry Donovan,” Donut said, “but we are in a hurry. I’m afraid we will be going with something that’s not going to eat my Mongo. We choose mechanical. And just a word of advice for your next job interview. I would refrain from...”
Blam!
Donovan exploded in a spray of red and green mist.
“Gah!” I called, jumping back as Donut yowled.
Mechanical has been chosen. Your Mechanic is Hedy.
Chapter 2
Hedy the gremlin didn’t react at the sudden and unexpected detonation of her co-applicant. She was already running for the front of the garage. She leapt and grabbed the chain, pulling the door open. “As soon as it appears, jump in! You come in last place, you die just like Donovan! Me too, so get your asses in gear! Only one of you touch the steering wheel or controls. You can’t drive two heats in a row, and there’s only two of you! Don’t come in last! Do whatever you can to not come in last!”
Before either of us could react to that, a giant wheel appeared, standing right over the soupy remains of the exploded gremlin. There were literally 100 plus spots on the round, now-familiar spinning apparatus, and each spot consisted of a vague, cartoon silhouette of a vehicle. I only had time to see a few before it started spinning. One was a literal school bus. Another appeared to be a Hummer. These were all Earth-based vehicles of various sizes. I caught sight of what looked like a moped followed by a massive dump truck.
“Do we need speed?” I called. “Or something armored?”
“You get what you get,” Hedy called as she struggled with the door. As she pulled, it revealed a black, asphalt road. It was dark outside. Multiple shapes were emerging, both driving and walking as they pulled up to a line. “The track conditions and hazards are gonna change each time! First three races will all be paved!”
As the wheel turned, the countdown timer suddenly froze with 20 seconds left. The dungeon loudspeaker crackled to life. The wheel continued to spin.
A familiar voice called out into the garage.
You’re all going to die. You should already be dead. You idiots should have all taken deals. You did it to torture me, didn’t you? Why are you fighting it? Why? Why are you still alive? Why am I still alive? Why won’t you let me die?
The button remained pressed for several seconds, and we could hear the sound of her just sitting there, bubbling.
Everything hurts.
There was a blare of feedback, and then the intercom cut off.
“Uh, Carl,” Donut asked. “Was that the kill, kill, kill lady?”
“It was,” I said.
The wheel started to slow, and the countdown timer resumed for about two seconds and then paused again.
The loudspeaker crackled to life a second time, but this time it was clearly Zev’s voice. She sounded harried as if she’d had to dive for the loudspeaker.
Uh, hello. Everyone. It looks like we have just over 5,500 crawlers who survived Faction Wars and decided they wanted to continue on. That means there was just under 15,000 who took a deal, which is fantastic, and a record. The system AI has asked me to tell you to ignore what’s happening on any other floors and to, and this is a quote, ‘focus on the floor like everything is normal. Because everything is normal. F-you if you think overwise.’ Uh, okay, okay. ‘Fuck you if you think overwise.’ What my, uh, colleague was trying to say just before is this is the tenth floor. The floor is officially called “Don’t come in last.” I guess you can figure out what that means. The floor will consist of eight heats, or races. In each heat, it’ll be you versus seven other NPC teams. Well, the first one is seven teams. Then six teams. You get the idea. The team that comes in last place each heat is eliminated. If you’re in a party of over four people, you’ve been split into teams no bigger than four, and if you’re solo, you’ve been teamed up with one or two other crawlers. It looks like the final number of teams is exactly 1,800, which is a lot more than we originally planned as you can imagine. And since every track is different, we’ve had to allow the AI to design most of these tracks. So, uh, keep that in mind. These are essentially races, and you may only travel using your assigned vehicle or animal. If it is destroyed or killed during your journey, you are automatically eliminated.
As Zev spoke, the wheel tick-ticked as it slowed. The choices all came into view. Snowmobile. Something I was pretty sure was a library bookmobile. The Popemobile. It kept slowly moving. A forklift. Some sort of military missile launcher. Zev continued.
Your vehicle or creature will always be 100% repaired or healed between races as long as your garage attendant remains alive. At the end of each heat, you will be able to choose an upgrade for your vehicle or creature. If you come in first place in a heat, you can choose three regular upgrades or one golden upgrade I think they’re called. At the end of the fourth heat, everyone gets one golden upgrade of their choice. And again at the end of the seventh heat. Also, if you come in last. Well, second to last, then the audience gets to vote for your upgrade. You’ll always get a hint of what the next heat will consist of, and you’ll need to pay attention because you might need an upgrade that will help you survive the next environment.
“Oh shit,” I said as the wheel hovered over what was either a floor polisher or a goddamned Zamboni. And then it clicked one more time before settling on the square shape of a box truck. A box truck with windows.
“Carl, what is that?” Donut asked, peering at the choice.
The wheel disappeared with a pop, which caused more Donovan bits and gourd pieces to splatter everywhere. The truck crunched into place, bouncing up and down on squeaking shocks as it teleported right in front of us in the middle of the large garage.
It was, as I suspected. I sighed.
“It’s a food truck,” I said.
It did not have the exact same shape as the silhouette. This was much more... festive than the image on the wheel had been.
“Is that a real gun on the top?” Donut asked.
“I don’t think so.”
The colorful, gleaming truck appeared to have come right off the assembly line. It was about 20-feet long. It was, at first glance, a typical, large-sized food truck. At least the body of it was. It was basically the same body of a package delivery truck, but presumably with a small kitchen within. Two axel but with dual wheels in the back. The now-familiar logo of a chicken with a fedora and red tie was painted on the side under the bullet hole-ridden logo.
Big Shot Chicken. I’d never heard of the restaurant chain before we’d entered the dungeon, but Donut and I had spent quite some time stuck in a Big Shot Chicken safe room on the second floor while we’d been trapped by the rage elemental. The whole restaurant was, apparently, a small chain from somewhere in the southwest of the United States. A chicken restaurant with a 1920’s gangster theme.
The truck was clearly a modern model, though the front was replaced with a faux, 1920’s style hood made to mimic a prohibition-era truck, complete with curved wheel wells made of shining chrome and round, fluted headlamps. The whole front had kind of a plasticky, fiberglass look to it that gave the impression that maybe this food truck wasn’t really meant to be driven at all, and it normally sat at an amusement park or state fair somewhere, more for show than mobility.
Which gave me a very, very ominous feeling.
But the most distinctive feature of the truck was the massive, clearly plastic tommy gun on the roof of the thing. The gun’s most distinctive feature—the gigantic, round drum magazine—partially obscured the windshield to the point where it would be dangerous to drive. Seeing that the windshield was mostly covered pretty much confirmed what I’d already suspected. That this thing wasn’t street legal.
I hoped it had an engine.
Zev continued to talk, but she spoke much more quickly and with more urgency.
We’ll have more details after the first heat. You are allowed to fight and attack the other drivers. The first heat is about to start, so make sure you’re ready to go! There will be more rules clarified soon, but the AI is telling me to wrap it up. Use your garage attendants! They know the rules! Every heat must have a different driver, so only one of you touch the steering wheel or hold the reins, especially if it’s just two of you. Also, try not to kill more than one team because if more than two teams don’t make it to the finish line...
The speaker abruptly cut off.
The timer continued to tick down.
“Get in! Get in!” Hedy called. “Only one person drive!”
“Carl, how am I supposed to drive this thing!” Donut demanded as I rushed into the driver seat. There was no passenger seat at all. Just a gleaming, metal floor with a no-slip mat. There was no divider between the front and the back, and a brand-new, aluminum kitchen filled the back space.
“We’ll worry about that later. Hang on,” I called. I turned the key, and, thankfully, an engine rumbled to life. A good, healthy engine. Only mildly relieved, I looked down, and despite the strange exterior, it appeared this was all built on the chassis of a real, gasoline—not diesel—truck. It wasn’t going to be fast, but hopefully it would run just fine. “If we’re the slowest ones, we’re gonna have to take out one of our opponents right away! Do you still have your sniping skills?”
“I do! I have a death ray now too!”
“Okay, Donut. That’s goddamned terrifying. Use your Magic Missile until we know how the Death Ray works. Get ready.”
Donut, because she had no seat, jumped to my right shoulder. She scoffed, still unable to see because of the decorative tommy gun. “Carl, this is not acceptable! How can I snipe if I can’t see anyone?”
Heat One Starting Now. Details will populate to your navigation system momentarily.
Chapter 3
There was a loud horn, presumably indicating the start of the race, and a device I hadn’t yet noticed on the dashboard lit up.
I held my breath, and I hit the gas. The whole truck lurched forward. It moved not as fast as I would like, but much more quickly than I feared. Donut yowled as her claws dug into my shoulder. I had to sit really low in the seat and turn my head a little sideways to see out the front because of the goddamned gun thing on the roof. Ahead in the dark, most of our opponents were already at the starting line, and several zoomed off at the sound of the horn.
The panel on the dash gave a few beeps. It was a navigation system of some sort. It was a square box with the words Navitron 1000 over it. A map appeared on the flatscreen but minimized itself, and then words popped up. The moment I looked at the GPS, the words spoke in my head like it was an item description, only this was a distinctly female AI voice:
Heat number one of eight.
Driver: Carl
Navigator: The Champion of Nekhebit, Harbinger of Doom, Assassin of the Great and Feral Sekhmet, Princess Donut, She Who is Foretold to Bring the Gnashing of the Teeth and the Woe of All who Harbor Hope and is Known as the Oak Fell to Those Who Dare Utter Her Name.
Reserve Crew: None.
Distance: 53 kilometers.
Distance to next rest area or refueling pit stop: This heat does not have any pit stops.
Track: asphalt-paved road. Mostly flat.
There is only one path for this heat.
Tasks required to complete: None. Just get to the finish line.
Environment: The Caves of the Screeching Death Manatees.
Hazards: Not yet discovered, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest the Screeching Death Manatees might be a problem.
Time Limit: 6 hours.
Current ranking: Unknown. Upgrade GPS to get real-time ranking updates.
It was pitch black out here, and I could barely see. I scrambled to find the headlights. I found them and pulled the switch, but nothing happened.
“Carl, do you see what that thing is calling me!”
“Light! I need light,” I yelled.
Donut waved her paw, almost casually, and the entire area in front of us lit up brilliantly with her Torch spell.
Only some of the vehicles ahead had lights. One—already way off in the distance—was clearly a muscle car of some sort, but it was either a convertible or it had the roof ripped off. I could see three tall shapes in the thing before it disappeared. Right behind it was a fuzzy, four-legged bear-like creature that loped like it had the Twinkle Toes spell, despite our gremlin’s insistence that such spells didn’t work. Yet another creature—this appeared to be a giant beetle—skittered off into the night, right on the tail of the other two. A minivan that immediately made me think of Louis also started to rumble off into the night, though it didn’t turn on its lights.
Something jumped over us and evaporated into the darkness, melding into the shadows. I didn’t get a good view, but it looked like an enormous, twenty-foot dog or a wolf that was made of the night itself, reminding me of Jola the Yule cat from the card floor. Donut hissed at the sight of it.
We tore over the white starting line and moved to the dark road, passing by what appeared to be a giant tumbleweed.
The strange, round bush just sat there, unmoving in the middle of the wide road. The prickly thing was tall—just as tall as our truck—and it was a round tangle of weeds and brambles. I did a double take as we passed. Sticking straight out the center of the entire mess was the head of a goddamned unicorn. A unicorn ripped straight from a little kid’s Lisa Frank notebook. All I could see was the head, but it was a white horse with a rainbow-hued mane that looked as if it had just been brushed. A horn that glittered like an opalescent seashell rose from the thing’s head. The head was about the size of a regular horse, and it stuck out the top center of the tumbleweed as if it was wearing the brambles like a coat. I couldn’t tell what the hell I was looking at. The unicorn’s head appeared way too high for it to be standing firmly on the ground.
Some sort of gray, fuzzy creature sat upon the head of the unicorn, but I couldn’t tell what it was in the dark. The unicorn started shouting something at us as we passed, but my window was rolled up, and I couldn’t hear it, and we’d soon left it behind.
“I only saw six opponents,” I called, trying to look into the side mirror before realizing there were no side mirrors. “Donut, how many did you count!”
We knew at least one was behind us, assuming the unicorn tumbleweed was an opponent. And was the horse the mount, or was it the contestant?
“I can’t see anything!” she shouted. “And there’s no radio, either!”
Ahead, the road was just a straight, black highway with no markings. Despite the brightness of Donut’s spell, I couldn’t see anything on either side except random, sickly-looking trees. There was an occasional glitter, implying there was water out there, too.
I tried to look at my minimap, but I received an error.
Your base minimap is disabled while you are moving. You must stop and exit the vehicle to use the map.
Damnit. I tried to cast Ping, and it worked, but the moment I cast it, I realized the spell was still useless. The results popped up on my map, and I’d have to stop and get out to look at it. That wouldn’t be worth it. Not for such a short race.
I glanced again at the GPS, and that did have a map. But it was just a mostly-straight line with no other features.
“It says were supposed to be in a cave?” I called. I could clearly see stars out the windshield. “There’s no cave.”
The GPS didn’t answer or react.
I had the accelerator pressed all the way down, and we were moving about 70 miles per hour, which translated to about 112 kilometers per hour. The heavy truck didn’t seem to want to accelerate past that. I couldn’t see anyone in front of us at all. At this rate, we’d hit the finish line in just about 25 minutes if we didn’t stop.
Donut unleashed Mongo into the passenger side and jumped to his back. The dinosaur screeched in fear at appearing in such closed quarters. He waved his wings, smacking me in the face, causing me to swerve.
“Careful!” I shouted. Mongo’s tail feathers reached all the way to the back of the long truck. He let at another fearful screech.
“It’s okay, Mongo,” Donut said. “Mommy needs you as a seat so I can look outside for bad guys.”
Mongo peeped again, but this time it had a different tone. I knew that tone.
“Don’t let Mongo puke on the dashboard!” I called.
I had more and more messages appearing by the moment, but I was studiously ignoring them as I drove. Not yet, I thought. Not yet.
We hadn’t had a break. We’d gone from the frantic chaos of the end of the ninth floor straight to our lawyers straight to this without a rest. I had dozens of boxes to open. Achievements to go over. A fan box. An impossible god quest that was about to come to a head. Friends to check on. War mages to worry about. An Agatha problem.
Lucia Mar, who somehow had over 100,000 kids in her head. I didn’t even know if she was still here.
It was too much.
For the moment, I ignored it all and pretended like I was driving. Just driving and nothing more. Not racing for our lives, though even that part was strangely okay. It was so absurdly normal compared to the army-sized fights of the last floor that I felt a strange calm come over me as we rushed down the dark, featureless road. There was comfort in this straightforward anxiety. This danger—at least for the moment—was just between myself and Donut.
Right now if I made a mistake, I would die. Donut would die. And that’s it.
There was not a thing I could do at this very moment that would result in the death of thousands, and I could cry at the relief I felt.
But I knew. I knew that feeling was both temporary and false.
Slam, slam, slam.
No. Don’t think of that.
But how could I not? How many times now in just the past five minutes had Donut wiped her clean paw on something? How hard was I trying to ignore it?
Slam, slam, slam.
And as driven as I was to protect Donut, it was such an overwhelming relief that the shackles of being a warlord were temporarily removed that a part of me wanted to just ease off the pedal. I thought of those folks from Meadowlark at the end of the first floor, all in the saferoom, singing. I thought of Signet falling into the Nothing. I thought of Tserendolgor at the end of the sixth floor, sitting with her friend.
Peace to you all, Justice Light had said. How? How?
But then I thought of Katia, finally free. I remembered those who’d taken deals. Of that moment when they’d rained streamers and flowers on me and Donut, all of us pretending to ignore how much was at stake.
There was hope. There was escape. And if not, as Justice Light had shown, as all those who’d come to our aid on the previous floor had shown, there was also the possibility of vengeance.
But first, we had to survive this goddamned tenth floor.
I mentally counted the opponents again.
The muscle car. The bear. The bug. The minivan. The dog. The tumbleweed.
I was missing one of them, and I didn’t know if they’d zoomed out ahead of the muscle car, or if they’d been like us and were still stuck in their garage when all this started.
It was already pretty clear we weren’t going to be winning this heat. What had Zev said? First place got to pick three upgrades. Whoever won would immediately have an advantage. We certainly couldn’t afford to lose, but from the sounds of it, second-to-last place would be almost as bad. We couldn’t afford to let the viewers pick our upgrades, either. The viewers were all dicks.
Something loomed up ahead, but still in the distance. Something dark. I glanced at the GPS again, and nothing had changed.
“Donut,” I asked.
“I see it,” she said, leaning forward on Mongo. “It’s the entrance to a cave. It’s very big. I see movement inside, but I’m not sure what.”
And as I tried to see what she could see, a new message came in. One I instinctually read before I could push it away.
Prepotente: Carl, Donut, everyone else. I come with a warning. Obviously you do not want to come in last place. But do not, I repeat, do not kill or otherwise prevent any of your opponents from crossing the finish line. In fact, I suggest you help any wayward stragglers should one have already fallen.
Donut: HI PREPOTENTE! WHAT DID YOU PICK?
Prepotente: I went with the obvious choice, and I chose biological. One would have to be an imbecile to have picked mechanical.
I exchanged a sour look with Donut as I gave the other messages a quick glance. From what I gathered, Zhang—who was with Li Na—was the only other one who’d picked biological. Elle and Imani, who were together, had picked mechanical. Chris had been in Li Na’s party but had apparently left near the end of the previous floor and was solo had also picked mechanical along with another two crawlers, as had Louis, Britney, and Bautista, who were all together.
Florin hadn’t yet answered what his choice was, though it sounded like it was just him and Lucia Mar—who, as predicted, had not taken a deal—which likely meant Lucia had been the one to choose. I’d thought that Jurgen was also in their party, but he was somehow now paired up with Prepotente.
Carl: What happens if not everybody finishes the race?
Prepotente: While I don’t know for certain quite yet, I strongly believe that the pool of opponents for each heat is set in stone. That means if only one opponent falls during the current heat, then that will be fine. However, if two or more opponents fall during the heat, there won’t be enough for the next race. As a result they will have to mix and match with other groups that are missing a full heat.
I felt cold, and the moment he said it, I knew he was right.
For this first race, all seven of our opponents were NPCs.
Carl: Goddamnit. I think you’re right.
Prepotente: Quite. If you kill more than one opponent, then it’s possible the next heat will have an opponent team consisting of fellow crawlers. By the end, I fear there will be multiple crawler-versus-crawler races, possibly races where all the opponents are crawler teams.
Elle: Well that’s just fucking peachy.
Imani: We can avoid this if we keep all our opponents alive. Avoid killing those you’re racing against.
Zhang: Shit. Guys... Na already...
“Carl, watch out!” Donut called.
I looked up in time to see a wreck up ahead, just inside the mouth of the cave. The road let right into it. The minivan was on its side, flaming, blocking the road. A bugbear was crawling away from the wreckage as another one of the vehicles—the giant insect, which was a bus-sized beetle—squealed in pain as it was dragged off the road by the biggest manatee I’d ever seen. One of the riders of the bug ran away from the scene, screaming.
I couldn’t tell what manner of creature the bug rider was because the rider was on fire. But it didn’t matter because a second later, the house-sized manatee crunched down on the bug, killing it, and the on-fire creature had a notification appear over it for just a second before it exploded.
“Fuck!” I cried as I slammed the brakes.
~~~
Hey everybody. We are now off to the races. I suspect none of this is going to go as we expect. I appreciate your patience. Operation: Bounce House is signed, sealed and delivered to Ace, and we are all aboard the book 8 train. How is Donut going to drive a food truck? What sort of vehicles does everyone else have? Do we trust the AI when it says everything is going to be normal for the 10th floor? What's up with that unicorn thing? Stay tuned to find out next time.
As I talked about last time, I am going on a very fast tour courtesy of PRH to support the hardcover releases coming up. Here are the dates and sign ups. Please note the Seattle, Vegas, Williamsburg, and NYC shows which aren't on the graphic. Also, this is just through May. I will be at Litrpg Con in July and Dragon Con in August and World Con in August. There's also a Columbus, Ohio event in July that's set in stone but I'm not allowed to announce for some reason and a very large con in San Diego every July I'm not supposed to announce yet because that one is NOT set in stone. Dragon Con is locked though. 
(Again, look at the dates, read the notes. There are some dates not on the graphic)
3/6-3/9 - Seattle, WA: Emerald City Comic Con
https://www.emeraldcitycomiccon.com/en-us/guests/guest-profile.html?gtID=358739&guest-name=Matt-Dinniman
3/10 - Seattle, WA: University Book Store @ 6pm
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/pre-release-event-for-the-gate-of-the-feral-gods-dungeon-crawler-carl-tickets-1220115190379?aff=ebdsoporgprofile
3/28-30 Williamsburg, VA: AuthorCon V (Yes, I'll be there. I know I'm not on the website.)
https://scaresthatcare.org/authorcon-v
4/9 - New York, NY: Strand Bookstore @ 7pm
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/matt-dinniman-the-butchers-masquerade-tickets-1156269917449?aff=ebdsoporgprofile
4/27 Las Vegas, NV: Writer’s Block @ 7pm
https://thewritersblock.org/events/44732
5/13 - Portland, OR: Powell’s Books (Cedar Hills Crossing) @ 7pm
https://www.powells.com/book/the-eye-of-the-bedlam-bride-dungeon-crawler-carl-6-9780593956014/2-2
5/14 - Sacramento, CA: Barnes & Noble (Arden Fair) @ 6pm
https://stores.barnesandnoble.com/event/9780062182786-0
5/15 - San Diego, CA: Mysterious Galaxy @ 7pm
https://www.mystgalaxy.com/51525Dinniman
5/16 - Tempe, AZ: Changing Hands Bookstore @ 7pm
https://www.changinghands.com/event/may2025/matt-dinniman
5/17 - Dallas, TX: Half Price Books @ 7pm
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/talk-and-book-signing-with-bestselling-author-matt-dinniman-tickets-1230752516909?aff=oddtdtcreator
5/18 - Miami, FL: Books & Books @ 5pm
https://www.booksandbooks.com/event/an-afternoon-with-matt-dinniman-author-of-the-dungeon-crawler-series/
5/19 - Washington, D. C.: East City Bookshop @ 6pm (Virtual Q&A + Signing Line)
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/virtual-qa-in-store-signing-line-matt-dinniman-dungeon-crawler-carl-tickets-1246287783309?aff=authorlink
5/20 - Chicago, IL: Anderson’s Book @ 7pm
https://www.eventcombo.com/e/Author-Event-with-Matt-DinnimanThe-Eye-of-the-Bedlam-Bride-74490
5/21 - St. Louis, MO: The Novel Neighbor @ 7pm
https://mattdinniman.paperform.co/
5/31 - Bremerton, WA: Ballast Book Company @ 1pm
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/matt-dinniman-dungeon-crawler-carl-tickets-1232254699979?aff=oddtdtcreator
Comments
Neil
Is there an easier way to read the chapters so far?
Have another taco
Shit, that beats me. It took me a whole three weeks to read the seven books. But then, I listened to the audio at 1x, and there's been a lot going on where I live, sooo… But hell yeah, this will tide me over until book 8 is finished and recorded as audio.
Charysma
Oh my gods. I thought I was free. Read/listened to all 7 books in 9 days. Joined Patreon to see if there was a Discord. Only to find. More. Silver lining: I can hear Jeff reading it to me.
Kelsey Whelan
Shouldn’t his bounty be more than 6 million? It was six million on the start of the ninth floor so it should be higher for the 10th
Alexander Nguyen
i think carl would translate 70 mph into knots, rather than kilometers. Why would he think of kilometers? coast guard doesn't use those
Trenton Large
“other to note who was here and who wasn’t.” Should be other than. Great work!!!
Nell
Is Justice Light an NPC or a mercenary? I thought the former crawlers came in as mercenaries
Bill Gullotti
Tarendelgor died on 8, not 6
Casey Crafton
Can’t wait to see you talk in Columbus this weekend!
RHK
Okay. I know I'm months behind, but I just Finished This Inevitable Ruin, and joined the patreon. I'm hoping, beyond hope, that the GPS AI is named Lola. Yes, from the movie RV starring Robin Williams. I know the movie sucks, but I'm hoping that the Dungeon AI is a huge fan of bad movies. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Robin Williams stand-up jokes, from much later in his life. He was trying to take the corkscrew highway in Washington using voice commands. Garmin: Did you say C*cksucker? Williams: NO! I DIDNOT SAY C**KSUCKER!! Williams: but while you're there... ,':)
Parker
Tried to go to my first book signing. I didn't know you had to get tickets first. Drove a really long ways. Very sad. I could even hear Matt speaking through the closed doors
Laura Kaiser
Come to Spokane? It's just 5 hours away.
Matthew Lawson
Ohh god. I didn't think about her being there. She's getting killed killed killed.
Sam Burnett
Really enjoyed that! Thank you ☺️
Ashlee Williams
I felt genuine horror at implications of what was happening in the Scolopendra club. And the AI (presumably) dragging out the "Kill, Kill, Kill!" Lady from whatever hell she was in just so she could deliver those likely-final words before being thrown back into the club? OOF. Chills. Even though everyone in the club 100% deserves what's happening to them, that's still pretty rough.
Tyler Groneckowski
I have a feeling we aren't making it through 8 whole races before shit hits the fan and the floor or the AI breaks.
Mike Driskell
I'm upset that I missed out on the book signing for Dallas. I'm on the waitlist so fingers crossed. Hoping to make the drive up from Austin
Julius Ambrasas
I have the same question as I can't find it anywhere
Wanderinpaladin
Love that as I'm reading this I'm hearing Jeff's voice....Except for Mordecai because...well he's Mordecai
Taylor Killen
How to get the updating epub/mobi?
Sarah Burnham
Any chance you'll ever come out to the NewEngland area for a con?
Ilya Taytslin
From chapter 5: “This is the biological mount of Team Sparkles for the purpose of the 10th floor. As such, it is protected from most spells that would normally affect mounts.” Looks like both mounts and vehicles on this floor are not affected by their riders’ magic, whether beneficial or harmful
Robin
oh man i didn’t see this and it’s already sold out! Please come back to new york soon or even new jersey i will travel
Joshua Wright
I’m trying to find out how to actually go to the Dallas one but HPB is telling me they don’t know. They go through eventbrite and it’s already sold out. Is there not an option to simply go without buying a book and purchase a ticket to go?
Jacquelin Shaw
So excited about the Columbus, OH event!! DEF making my way down from Cleveland for it. Might be the closest thing I have to a vacation this year and I'm not complaining. Looking forward to book 8! I loved playing twisted metal back in the day and it's all I can imagine so far.
WinterfellSedai
Thank you!!
SgtDanny
Matt, we will settle for one chapter. Just one.
Matthew Jones
Typo? You crazy asshole, I thought. What did you did?
Zehrox
"You crazy asshole, I thought. What did you 'DO'? What did that trap do?" Sorry. Grammar police.
independent Thoughts
I can't believe I'm saying this here, but have you forgotten about us?
Jim Robinson
I thought the super long waits between chapters would end after Operation Bounce House was done.
SgtDanny
I literally just opened it, hoping that I missed a notification about new chapters. We need our fix Matt!!
Truedragon5374
Fair enough. In that case, why don't you post your own OCs?
Dragan
A reader after my own heart 🥹
Dragan
From how I understand it every time you end a floor on the top ten you get a plus one to your multiplier, so whatever place Carl is in times the number of floors he’s been on the list.
Dragan
Daily is an understatement.
George Baxandall
Does anyone else refresh this page daily eagerly waiting on the next chapters....
Dragan
A cardboard statue still stands tall my friend.
Dragan
And Duke had practically every separate part down to his knuckles split in two multiple times, his very entrails ripped from his gut while he was alive, burned to death, poisoned(by himself), and psychologically wounded over and over again by his fractured family being weaponized against him. Not to mention how each death resulted in a 2 and a half minute long fall through a literal hellscape. Carl however definitely has had a very bad time, and looking at the run length of the series, he’s definitely going to pass Duke in suffering soon.
Matt Cousens
Carl was liquified and then rebuilt, while being crushed by a Naga and burned by a god. Is that worse than amplification? Idk. By the end of the book series, Carl will go through worse.
Konlin Gappmayer
I honestly thought we’d be back on our normally 2 ish chapters in the beginning of the month 2 ish chapters at the end. Matt are you okay? Let us know who’s stopping you from writing! We’ll hold them back so you can type!
Dragan
Yet another to the “Relistening to the Entire Series because We’re Hopelessly Addicted” club. I’ve forgotten at this point how many times I’ve listened all the way through.
Joe Jones
FUUUUCK. Same. I knew it would go fast but kept forgetting.
Jason Tinnel
Need more. This is my addiction. Restarted the series after 3rd listen book 7. I am dying to hear the loot boxes after the end of the 7th floor.
Attackins
Well, missed my chance for a ticket in Dallas. I knew I should have bought it on my last paycheck. Here's to hoping the waitlist pans out.
Dragan
Yeah, I think you guys are right. My real favorite thing to compare from the two books is really how effective Matt can write trauma, and how it can affect different people in different ways. For those of you who can’t handle KBS I’m telling you the suffering is never too much to handle in exchange for an ending like that, so you should reed it. Or not, I’m not the boss of you.
Ilya Taytslin
Duke has it way worse. Not even a question. In fact, I would say there is only one person in DCC whose suffering even compares to Duke’s, and that is Growler Gary.
Crystal DeFrate
They’re in contract negotiations with a renowned tattoo artist and may be announcing a date and the artist once the contract is executed. A little of “good thing Jeff dragged his feet, as it is leading to a better artist.”
Alex Lane
Carl has way more agency and a friend network, no comparison. And I also can't get myself to reread that one. I do enjoy reading The Grinding though.
Truedragon5374
I don't think touching the ground ends in death. After that big crash a Bugbear was limping away and another driver "ran away screaming". I think once all the vehicles finish on a track finish a heat, the track behind the checkpoint collapses like the previous floors. I think they said that vehicles will be fully repaired each heat, which i think is why Poni was encouraging crawlers to pick up NPC drivers. Hopefully if Carl picks up a crash victim, they will get a new vehicle at the end of the heat.
Truedragon5374
Every time i re-listen to DDC, i try to start KBS. I never get very far before i just HAVE to listen to something else
Truedragon5374
Thanks! But it's less balls and more a complete lack of social property and an overabundance of enthusiasm. 😅 But I'm glad you like them.
Hellmonkey
Duke without a question. I didn't even get thaaat far into K:BS before skimming the rest to preserve my sanity.
Dragan
Guys, someone has done it. Truedragon here has the balls to do something none of us could and shared their OC! I salute you fellow Dragon.
Dragan
Well I did it again. I subjected myself to all of Kaiju Battlefield Surgeon, clearly not learning my lesson the first time. I’m not crying, you’re crying! Well, anyways I had a question for any of you Matt Dinniman fans who have also listened too or read kaiju; who’s gone through worse, Carl or Duke? I honestly can’t decide.
Jay Prado
Hey Matt, it's my birthday tomorrow. Just sayin it would be nice to read some new DCC ;)
waterkangaroo
What's the news about the tattoo? 👀
Joshua Spalding
Info on the post from January 30th.
Riyon Hutton LMHC
He said every two-ish weeks last night in Seattle. Jeff read the new chapter from Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret. It was hilarious and we got an unofficial update on the tattoo
Riyon Hutton LMHC
He does have a ton in his inventory!
Riyon Hutton LMHC
I read that as 🦴 first! It was fun yesterday ! Totally worth the trip. I’m so happy to find out about the tattoo. Jeff’s face didn’t seem all that thrilled when I asked 😭
Riyon Hutton LMHC
Yep, it was fun to meet him and Jeff
Crystal DeFrate
Matt’s nicer than me ‘or more normal may be more accurate’ as I would have answered “yes, Carl has pants. Donut promised he’d wear them at the wedding.” To the query of whether Carl would ever have any pants.
Crystal DeFrate
Got back from University Books. Matt is as cute as ever. I am upping my flirting game with him by dorky microsteps by actually saying “his” name this time and getting pointers from him. As a sapiosexual, I was a goner at first read.
Crystal DeFrate
Likely sometime after Comicon. Seattle is loving up on him this weekend.
logan babbitt
Would love for you to eventually make it to lilac city comi con over in Spokane or anything in Spokane to sperate me from my money lol
Carolina Vieira
*Please sir, may we have some more?*
Truedragon5374
I give it 50/50 odds Zev will be running thr Borant system when this is all over.
Truedragon5374
Those pricks have Overlorded hundreds of Crawls. Literally throwing parties as billions were murdered and tortured. It's fitting that they get a taste of it. If, somehow, they survive and the Syndicate doesn't completely fall apart, they will never want to run the Crawl again.
Truedragon5374
That would be like feeling bad for Hitler's minister of Propaganda. Except worse, she was in charge of designing most of the floors. AI aside, most of the crawler deaths can be laid at her feet. The more she suffers the better.
Truedragon5374
And don't forget the OG movie that started it all, The Great Race.
Truedragon5374
I'm new to this patreon. What is Operation: Bounce House?
Truedragon5374
My guess is, the longer your Heat takes, the less down time you have. And just because there is no official time limit, just remember what happens when the AI gets bored 😵
Truedragon5374
LOL, now I am imagining a woman dressed in the most offensively stereotypical LBGTQ wear possible while riding a giant fluffy dog.
Truedragon5374
Thanks. OC stands for Original Character. It's short-hand for a fan made Character. Too high, really? I was just guessing but sure, I'll change it.
Ilya Taytslin
Nice, but what is OC? Also, their levels seem too high. People not in top ten (or top 50) should be around level 90 now.
Jim Robinson
Didn't Carl forget to use his patch again? Is his soul poisoning getting worse?
Truedragon5374
Sorry for double posting, but if Li Na has that Painful Touch ability, then how can she ride a biological mount? BTW, has anyone here seen the anime movie Red Line?
Truedragon5374
Hey Guys! This is my first time posting. I found the DCC books a year ago and I have been wild about them ever since. I feel like a moron for not finding Matt's Patreon sooner. I can't wait to vote on the next Fan Box. I just finished book 7 and I am blown away. And these first 3 chapters are amazing too, Keep up the good work Mr. Dinniman! I will definitely see you at the University of Washington bookstore. And now I am going to do the most stereotypical fan thing ever and post my own Dungeon Crawler OC's. Go ahead and groan (I know I would in your shoes), But I can't help it! I came up with these guys while reading about the Iron Tangle, I thought Catia's class had interesting mechanics and wanted to build a party around the whole Momentum thing. I know no-one will believe me but I swear I didn't tailor these guys to the latest book. Feel free to rip me apart with criticism. But know that I love all you fellow Carl fans. Team Overdrive Paul Delacroix Level 95 Race: Steamtaur(Human), Class: Bus Driver A Momentum based tank/support class, similar in some ways to Catia's Monster Truck Driver class. No “Rush” ability, instead it offers increased movement speed, and a momentum based Constitution buff to Paul, and anyone riding on Paul or any vehicle he is driving. It also grants a Strength and Dexterity bonus to Paul equal to a percentage of those stats of anyone riding on Paul. Steamtaurs are not true centaurs, they are humanoids who have lost their legs and decided to replace them with most of a steampunk mechanical horse. High movement speed, carrying capacity and defense. Requires fuel as well as food to survive. Race counts as a “Vehicle” for the purposes of abilities. He has a literql furnace boiler in his lower body. The mechanical legs count as both his body and equipment, and have been subject to a few Scrolls of Upgrade. He can partially transform into a wheeled or steamboat form. Wears ornate breastplate, armed with a shield shaped like a train's cow catcher, and a lance with a red-hot tip that can shoot blasts of scalding steam. Ezekial “Zeek” Barton Level 92 Race: Shoulder Demon, Class: Boneyard Junker Designed to preserve old military equipment for possible future use, this warlock based class can cast profane wards on vehicles and machinery that cast powerful curses on anyone who attacks them. Can also summon swarms of gremlins to attack enemies and break their gear. Shoulder Demons are 8 inch tall demons that gain and grant bonuses to mana regeneration and magic attack so long as they ride on another person (shoulder not mandatory). Charisma bonus vs creature he is riding on. Dressed in a mechanic jumpsuit covered in pentagrams, has a magic crowbar that can stun people or jam vehicles and machinery. Abigail “Abby” Barton Level 90 Race: Shoulder Angel, Class: Ambulance Mechanic This class is part healer, part gear-head, able to cast healing magic on people and powerful performance enhancing buffs on vehicles. Shoulder Angels are 8 inch tall angels that gain and grant bonuses to health regeneration and magic defense so long as they ride on another person (shoulder not mandatory). Charisma bonus vs creature she is riding on. Dressed in Red Cross scrubs plus a tool belt, has a wrench that works as a wand and a magical doctors bag. Toby Andrews Level 97 Race: Bereaver, Class: Tail Gunner A Momentum based ranged attack class, does more damage with ranged weapons the faster he goes, so long as he isn't moving under his own power. Damage bonuses vs flying type enemies. Bereavers are short (like 20 inches tall), muscular beaver like people with a love for all things military/industrial. Bonuses to the use of mechanical/chemical weapons. Damage Bonuses vs tree type enemies Toby mans an hand cranked Gatling gun mounted on a tripod/saddle thing on Paul's back. This gun has been upgraded several times. Is dressed in a WW2 bomber jacket and flight helmet, complete with goggles. Notable Skill: Spitting Lead: After swallowing a mouthful of chewed wood and spending mana, may spit out a handful of bullets. (he is constantly doing this and collects all the wood he can find. Basically looks like he is always chewing tobacco) Pet of Paul: Sparky the Beacon Fairy (“Hey! Listen!”) Beacon Fairies, also called Navi-Lights, are the opposite of the dastardly Will-O-Wisp, guiding lost travelers and heroes to where they most need to go,. If only they weren't so annoying. Insanely high magic defense and dodge, terrible offense and cannot use weapons. Comes with the Pathfinder and Trap Detection skills, plus an aura that halves the effectiveness of illusions. Backstory Just outside of St. Louis, Paul and his housemates were drinking out on their lawn when the Collapse happened and all entered the dungeon. They managed to hijack a Goblin Murder Dozer and Paul drove it around the 1st floor, easily keeping them alive and earning several Vehicle Driving skills. They couldn't take it with them so they disassembled what the could and took the parts to the 2nd floor. On the 2nd floor they joined up with 10 other people and were able to take down a neighborhood boss. Paul got some good armor, Zeek got a curse spell, Abby got a healing spell and Toby got a large multi-barreled musket. Almost immediately after that, Zeek, Abby and Toby triggered a trap that paralyzed their legs for the entire floor. The now 8 other Crawlers with them abandoned them. They were able to cobble together a crude cart for Paul to pull. Mostly they tried to run away from fights after that. Just before they reached to 3rd floor they encountered a group of Kamaitachi sickle weasels that sliced off Paul's legs literally just as he was pushing the cart down the stairwell. Since he lost his legs Before race selection, he was able to choose from a few fantasy themed “cyborg” races to get a new set of legs and he chose Steamtaur(human). The others chose races and classes they felt synergized with his. Since then their leveling progress has been middle of the pack most of the time, although they did Very well during the Iron Tangle, despite the difficultly of fitting a steampunk centaur inside of most trains. Mostly Paul runs around, just out of range of most enemies while Toby strafes them, with Zeek and Abby supporting as needed. They joined with various other crawlers, were almost killed by that Player Killer the Popov brothers were after, and crewed one of the armored vehicles during Faction Wars. Did not take a deal on the 10th floor. EDIT: Book 8 race vehicle is the Santa's Workshop parade float from the Macey's Day parade.
Nuuh Ali
That is an amazing insight, never thought about it like that.
austin kutz
I'm kinda glad, but I also kinda think his access to the river of souls might turn out to be a good thing. Primals are supposed to be a collective intelligence type species, but there's only one Carl. Maybe he can leverage his Primal nature to take advantage of the river of souls somehow. Hell, if he levels up Mind Balance to 19 or 20 I wouldn't be surprised at all if he could continue to persist after the death of his body by possessing something. Just mind balance his soul over to a new body or maintain his connection to his own body to repair it even after its hit 0 health. He's experienced what it's like to survive being turned into liquid with a bomb, there's likely no better practice that that for maintaining your body through theoretical death
austin kutz
Pun^2
kyle Lovett
Yep, sucks it’s sold out! Really wanted to go
Alex Jarvis
My read was it doesn’t matter if a team is eliminated. At the end of the heat the last team to cross the line gets KO’ed.
Russell Simpson
I’m sure it is, and it’s brilliant
Jay Prado
Hahaha. I hope this is intended.
Russell Simpson
Guys… it just dawned on me… Jamal is Matt trying to jump the shark….
Ilya Taytslin
I just had a very evil thought, although I am sure it had already occurred to Matt before: The AI should resurrect Angel the cocker spaniel as a Country Boss. AND her owner, whose name we still do not know, but we do know she was Bea’s lesbian lover. Imagine the insults she would throw at Carl!
Deana Whitney
On wait list for Dallas. Fingers crossed.
Izaias soto
Can I get tickets to the sacramento event it's sold out . I'll buy them wish I saw it sooner
Izaias soto
How do I get the discord link
Konlin Gappmayer
I bet it goes back to the topical 2ish chapters at the beginning of the month 2 ish chapters at the end.
Stephen Stanko
I feel like Matt trolled the people who would have picked mechanical in this post.
George Baxandall
Nope, not at all. She planned the crawl and is part of the Bloom so she deserves it all
Nuuh Ali
That would be an insane plot twist
Hellmonkey
There's still one on the field. A devastating future plot point would be an impossible choice forcing him to put on Li Na's ring. Just think of the pathos dividends.
Dragan
Twisted Metal was exactly the first thing I thought of. I wanna see that Tommy gun on top be useful to them. I can see Donut now aiming and having a great time while trying to not remember the last floor.
Dragan
Ahh yes, the curse of Jeff’s silky smooth voice. Know it afflicts us all.
Dragan
From the part mentioned the notification above one of the distant opponents before they exploded and Donavan the gremlins death, my guess is if you touch the ground outside your vehicle for too long you die. But that doesn’t mean they can’t just go off road to find stuff.
Dragan
There will be posts like this one. It’ll just be pole. We’re usually allowed to pick multiple choices if we can’t pick just one.
glutton 12
What's the schedule for posting moving forward?
Jeff Polley
Where do we have to go to vote for fan boxes?
Dragan
I have been starving myself of reading this and waiting to finish the audio version of the last. I just gotta say I’m so hyped and haven’t even read this yet. Thanks Matt. :)
Rene Christensen
Hmm so one team is already dead and there is no time limit on this. Could they just stop and take a nap, sure in the knowledge that there is no time limit for the heat? Heck could they spend a month just hunting monsters along the route? Or a couple days looking for secret bosses that drop upgrade tickets? Edit, nevermind six hour time limit. That still gives them time to do some exploration and boss hunting. There has to be secrets near the track.
Tasha Gonzalez
Can I post Images?
austin kutz
At least one other time was at the beginning of the 7th floor, they tried to teleport in gnoll mercenaries.
Alex Lane
Since there's no level timer I wonder how long the downtime is between races.
Tommy Rayburn
For the Williamsburg Event, do I also need to get tickets for any events you are part of? I saw that other authors had similar tickets.
Erick Robertson
Wow you said this was going to start fast...
Ariel Brooks
Stoked for Litrpg Con! Now to work on my patches. Donut world be appalled at their quality
Teal
Wise for crossing over the books. The last floor has the group tie in with all or none too.
Corvid
In all fairness that one was a result of Agatha's action item too though. Maybe it speaks to her influence
ahomer
Good point, I'd forgotten about that one! We didn't really see it happen, since the onscreen deaths after that rule was announced were either warlords or everyone being killed at once by Donut/Li Na, but that was comparable.
Corvid
Faction wars had the same kind of ruleset. When your army loses, you die! So i'd consider it dungeon mechanics still. A bit more unhinged maybe, but I feel like it's on brand. Especially considering the AI's degradation.
Corvid
Yeah definitely agree. Especially when you consider pet biscuit crawlers seem to essentially be children, or at the least young in mind. Really puts into perspective the kind of person Miriam was too, if you think about it that way. To him that feeling of love for his mother is central to his entire being.
Nyquistfrequency
What really punched me in the gut after thinking about it, was Pony's rant and cussing Carl out about the Naga army situations. People rant and rave at folks and specifically say things to try and hurt them. Usually those hurtful words are a reflection of what the person ranting deems as important. So when Pony says "there will be no more warm hugs from me." Wow, what an absolute insight into his true values. The most hurtful thing he could thing of, is in fact withholding love and affection... Thats a wreckingball gutpunch in the feels.
ahomer
Is this the first time we've seen the AI kill NPCs (and threaten to kill Crawlers) directly - you lose you blow up? Normally it's death through in dungeon mechanics, mob attacks, traps, town blown up by spell - even "acceleration" on the 5th floor involved an implausible number of enemies attacking Carl. This spontaneous explosion on loss feels very different.
Ilya Taytslin
I don't think that matters. From what I had seen, bounty always depends on the current spot and can decrease.
VincentC
Can I call Mr. Hayes and have him read this to me? By now his voice acting is in my head and I read in the voices he has created! Amazing journey!
Corvid
Didn't he jump spots up to first a couple times?
Corvid
Yeah his whole "YOURE MY BEST FRIEND CARL" last book got me the same way.
Corvid
I kinda like Donut for the whole "PICKED IT" gag. Mostly because at the time it seems like a stupid and impulsive choice but always end up being unexpectedly clever. Plus it's a fun dynamic.
Corvid
That's the thing about rage induced psychosis combined with what amounts to a cursed ring, ya stop caring about things like being selfish. She's a good example of what would happen with Carl if Donut died I think.
Terence King
I feel like the race can't last an entire book. I hope there will be multiple floors and we can get to the 12th pretty quick.
J Paige
Actually feels like Li Na is going to be a big obstacle this level. Honestly, it is quite selfish of her to move to the next floor with the fate she's already facing. So my assumption is that shes whiped her whole field. This is going to be bad, quick.
Joanna
Herbivores can be terrifying! You ever see a hippo up close?
Earl Hawhee
I originally thought that's how it was going to go based when they explained it briefly but at least they're still trying to save as many as possible.
Nuuh Ali
I mean he still also got the bedlam bride I can’t wait to see how that folds out. He might become more vulnerable to mind attacks now because of the ring of suffering
Cameron Becker
I was so excited for these chapters. Can't wait for the next. Honestly, felt like half a dose of a drug to an addict lol.
waterkangaroo
So when does Operation: Bounce House get published? 👀
James Tracy
@Joseph, they did mention it's a "Big Shot Chicken" food truck.
James Tracy
I love Pony!! That random "I love you" from pony to Carl hit hard man. Its so pure and genuine.
James Tracy
Exactly! Not to mention the zillions of boxes and achievements they have.
James Tracy
100%. It's like watching an addict flush drugs down the toilet. Now let's see what if any residual consequences come from it.
James Tracy
lol @ gangster food truck.
James Tracy
This should be interesting. I can't wait until they get to a saferoom again. Carl and Donut have a LOT of achievements and boxes to assess. Also, I'm not a fan of Donut being on top again lol. I like when Carl is in charge of picking things for the group because the reader then gets the details on the decision making process. I will say its sometimes entertaining to just get the famous Donut "I PICKED IT!" and the inevitable follow up face palms.
Corvid
Stab Stab Stab
Corvid
Ice cream trucks are just cold food trucks!
Manny Sanchez
Twisted Metal vs Wacky Races vs Mario Kart
Justin Coley
Please come to the south! No, Miami is not the south
Konlin Gappmayer
That’s exactly how I was. now it’s three years later and I’ll I want is just one more chapter.
Nuuh Ali
Who else is glad Carl got rid of of the ring of suffering
Jessica Fassett
Please come to Boston :)
austin kutz
That's just even more reason for her to kill them as fast as she can. She has more health right now than all the other crawlers combined. If she gets hit with a health seeping debuff she's done, but so long as she can manage to avoid that, she can at least make it through this floor. For her to survive to the end, she'll need Carl to get the Gate of the Feral Gods back on the 12th floor somehow, and use it to kill the guy she marked but didn't kill. Pretty sure that's impossible, with the gate split between multiple places
Robert
It was always going to come down to PVP races, I'm just glad it hit the table early. I don't think Carl is going to keep his hands clean in this one.
Failtasmagoria
Come come now, no safe-room visit before the race? Better be one at a pit stop... I was hoping for an ice-cream truck ala Twisted Metal for Carl and Donut, but gangster food truck works! Let's GO!
Elaine McCullom
Am I the only one who gets stressed out when Carl & Donut don't get a chance to rest between levels? I hope they get to a safe room soon. Thanks for the chapters, Matt! Looking forward to meeting you in Sacramento!
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
But he could still do his best to drive the van hahaha. Screeching and flailing the entire time. 🤣
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
And if they fire back... She is a glass cannon: if she gets a single bad debuff (like the slugpox) that would drain her health, she'll be done for. :(
austin kutz
Yep, the only way Mongo could have a crawler interface is if he was transformed from a native earth animal before becoming a raptor.
The Bard and The Barbarian
These first chapters are giving me SUCH late 60's Wacky Races cartoon vibes, and I'm loving it.
Tyler Leslie
Manatees are herbivores. However Shrieking Manatee are scary as hell.
Matt Cousens
Interesting question, especially given Carl calls out Mongo for having unusual intelligence. EDIT- Mongo won't have the native interface, so it wouldn't be able to turn him into a crawler. Bad things could happen
Nyquistfrequency
This is where I'm at. At the end of the 8th floor, the AI was all about letting Carl's "break the gate & sucked into the air" idea work. So no necessarily forcing down and winnowing down the playing feed; which has always been the case in prior crawl. But more so "let me allow interesting things to happen." That's why I dont really think we're gonna see some massive culling happen - because the more humans that survive, the more opportunities there will be for "fun and interesting things" to happen on the lower floors. The forced ween downs were always a corporate choice so that the ascendancy games could start, for the big dollars non-crawlers to start playing.
Nyquistfrequency
Really glad to see Pony becoming more of a "team player." Really want to see his growth and hopefully relationship with Carl, Donut and the rest grow. I see him very much the same way I see Donut and Volteeg. Its much more tragic to me, seeing them having to deal with the Dungeon. Actual "pure innocents," given sapience and dealing with the Dungeon. The humans at least had a lifetime of dealing with and understanding emotions, interactions, love, tragedy, sadness hope, etc. As much as the situation is completely horrible, at least the humans had some means of understanding and "dealing" with it. It just seems that much more cruel for the Pet Biscuit folks, as all they really knew prior was the love of their human. That was the entirety of their world.
Jeff Matisoff
With a touch of MarioKart
Ilya Taytslin
Either she will have Mongo do it, or Raul. Or, failing everything else... Shi Maria.
Sergej
Correction for Chapter 3. This Part: “I thought of Tserendolgor at the end of the sixth floor, sitting with her friend.” Should it not be the 8 floor? (Book 6.) Where she self destruct.
Tyrant Grant
Celestial since June 2022
Crystal DeFrate
I think there’s a Patreon or Kickstarter level that gets your name in a book.
Earl Hawhee
I never thought I'd be one to donate to patreon but this series convinced me too. It is the only thing I think about and have told anyone that reads to read this series.
Charlene Escalante
Very large con in San Diego recert July? Can't wait!
Tyrant Grant
Hey Matt! One of your fanatical fans, and a long time member of Patreon is a truck driver named Tyrant.. that's his real name. He'd be shocked and thrilled if one of those NPC racers was a Black Peterbilt that shared his name... Our truck almost always has a DCC book playing... 22 hours a day.
Nikita Koltay
Amazing chapters, as always, and we absolutely continue with the impression that I already had after finishing book 7 (every 3 times): HOLY EFFING SHIT! I absolutely have to agree with Carl though: It is all too much 🤣 We are only 3 chapters into book 8, and I am already stressed out AF! (How is Donut supposed to drive an effing truck? 😭😭😭)
Alex Borrero
Yes, they did, it's a chicken food truck with a tommy gun on top.
Joseph dye
they never said what kind of food truck!
Ilya Taytslin
Carl's bounty should be 2.8 million, not 6 million. The bounty of third-ranked crawler is 400,000 on the fourth floor, and adds another 400,000 every floor after.
William Magee
Thanks Matt!!! 😘
William Magee
Samesies
FauxLegs
Williamsburg VA?! Oh man I’m going to try and go! Enjoy Busch Gardens while you’re there!
Chuck Garrett
I feel such comradery with the fellow fans. What a wonderful outlet to be able to share in the joy that Matt brings us all. I don't know that Matt really understands the significance of his work. He is a pioneer with his literary work and I am forever grateful for the joy that I receive after each listen/read. I've recruited at least 7 others that are now DCC junkies... keep that shit coming brother...
Sabe F.
This series has a possessed sex doll head, a cat that talks and has ptsd from how many people she's murdered with magic, bad guys that look like the rabbit from donnie darko but skinned, a talk show host that attaches herself to a giant crab body just for mobility and showmanship, a god of light that has a head that's just another whole ass bug, and you really worry that Matt won't be able to make a Manatee threatening and dangerous and a fuckload of fun? Have some faith.
Louise Mimnagh
For a heartbeat I thought they were gonna get an ice-cream truck!
Louise Mimnagh
In the Prequel
Russ Stevens
I CRAVE A " NON PAUSING" BAD ASS CARL!!!! UNLEASH YOUR FURY CARL!! TEAR SOME SHIT UP!! PLEASE!!
Adam Barnes
WHERE LOOTBOXES!? PAPA NEEDS HIS SWHAG FIX LIKE A MOTHERFUCEKR! I cannot wait to see where this goes, youconinute to just kill it Matt.
Dennis Gregory
Well, shit. Kaiju battle surgeon flashbacks > And furthermore, the outworlders on those two floors were protected from really dying by the system AI. They could get hurt on the 18th floor, they could still “die,” but they would immediately get brought back to their rooms in the club. A club that was physically inside of the now-awake dungeon boss. The system wasn’t letting anyone eject to the onboarding facility because the facility in question had since been blown out of orbit by Homecoming Queen. And some of the things that had leaked from the Nothing were using this to their advantage. It was like what we’d done to Growler Gary, but worse. Much worse.
kacesensitive
Slam Slam Slam
Boring Books for Bedtime
Lordy, please let Dragon Con put you in a BIG room this year! Please please please! And these were super fun to read. I'm excited for this floor concept!
Robin Draycott
"What did you did?" Should probably be 'what did you do?'
Daniel Wasserott
Well literary drug of choice has already got me scratching for more. Guess I will have to listen to book seven again. Until the next drop comrades stay healthy and have fun.
Traci Saunders-Bos
Cannonball Run but in hell
Andrew Millen
It’s the first time that the number going down is actually a relief.
Andrew Millen
So, this is Whacky Races meets Deathrace combined with Mad Max yeah?
Andrew Millen
AI voice: you have 30 seconds until heat 4 commences Carl: Donut! Use your hole to the get the gun off! Donut: HONESTLY CARL, YOU’RE DISGUSTING, MONGO IS APPALLED!
Andrew Millen
It might be doing that trope that racing games do where when you start the campaign/ story, you jump straight into a race with no clue what’s going on.
austin kutz
It occurs to me that the only advantage Li Na has in this race is her ability to just murder all of her opponents. That's really not good
Gene M
ooh you know when I heard this floor was going to be a race I wasn't too sure but this has immediately changed my mind. this floor is gonna be sick
Gene M
yeah 100% there's going to be at least one all-crawler race that carl and donut are in
Geekdumb
A manatee? As in a sea cow? How is that dangerous or even mobile on land? Suggested edits: I didn’t want to read them in detail, other (than) to note who was here and who wasn’t. These shouts turned (in)to a scuffle There was an occasional glitter (glimmer?) a warlord were temporarily removed. That a part of me wanted to just ease off the pedal
Geekdumb
I didn't pay close attention to the times. Sorry to hear they're treating you like a rented mule.
Jay Prado
Beat me to it! Spot on.
Crystal DeFrate
I second the great experience of yapping with Matt, even if he prefers being called by his own name on not his protagonist’s name. No, I did not call him Donut.
Joanna
I was imagining the same, Paul: every race they get more and more 'refined' at ripping the useless giant gun off the roof as they leave the garage. Practically a montage
Joanna
Yeah, okay, I went back and searched out the leaderboard info from each previous book, and it shouldn't be the same, but actually it should be 2.8 million at the beginning of the 10th floor for 3rd place. So I noticed a mistake, but not at all what I'd thought it was
Crystal DeFrate
And to complain: Matt’s world building destroyed my enrapture with Anne Bishop’s.. I keep cringing at all the gaping holes that I didn’t notice during the first 50 reads of the Black Jewels Trilogy.. in my defense, my taste likely matured in the two decades since I first read it.. though I wholly blame Matt for the cringe factor. If I hadn’t been exposed to this World (un)Building.. I likely wouldn’t be able to discern the difference in quality.
Crystal DeFrate
Read these chapters so quickly, I scrolled back through to make sure there were 3 there. Listening to the Audible of the last book which was read in pieces and devoured… now enjoying Jeff reading it to me whilst I fold laundry.
Joanna
Why is the bounty on him exactly the same as last floor? I know he was #1 at the beginning of the ninth, and has dropped to 3 now, but I thought the amounts stacked from floor to floor?
Joseph Harris
I seem to recall that the A.I. stopped the Prime Minister from trying to kill Carl when he was about to reveal that Tagg was a cyborg. The A.I. followed that by saying that wasn’t the first time they tried to kill Carl and he had to stop it.
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
Because of very very bad side effects. In an earlier book, Miriam Dom briefly mentioned that when she tried a biscuit on the third goat (not Pony or Bianca), something terrible happened, which is why she doesn't want to try that anymore. Donut knows that for sure, or maybe she just wants to keep Mongo in his pet state.
Teal
Great start! I like how the book goes straight into the action.
Janette
I think their first upgrade is one they don’t really get to choose. Donut has to drive!
Johann Tan
Now I really wanna know why the 18th floor club has to be is inside of the boss.
Rob L
Just WOW so exciting already!!
PerfectYarn
Towards the beginning of chapter 1 when Carl is talking about Justice Light it says "What did you did?" instead of "What did you do?"
Tyrant Grant
Why haven't they given Mongo an enhanced pet biscuit. Pony said he still has some.
Manny Sanchez
You did not just make my day?!?
Paul Wayne
I foresee Carl having to modify the truck before every race because it needs better visibility but it also resets at the beginning of every race.
Melissa Glisan
Squee! Feral manatees - shades of Tom Stranger! So excited😁😁
Loyd Davis
Which is a great experience by its self.
jays100#1169
Wuhu! Wacky Racers for adults!
quinn
Next chapters is loot boxes time :)
Saurid
Depends on where he is in the books, there are times where we get a post a week, then mostly one every two weeks and then times its a month or more silent because he is busy or revising stuff/chaning rules etc.
Saurid
I look forward to this part, it will be a nice set up floor again I hope where we explore lore and characters so floor 12 gets to be amazing!
Saurid
Not necessarily every crawler team taht loses distributes multiple NPC teams around that are now too much
Levi
Zhang. Let’s Fucking Go. Edit: Damn. This is gonna get rough isn’t it.
Anna Fleming
Me too, I’d like to join.
austin kutz
Depends. It's only true that *every* NPC death (beyond the single death per heat) contributes to a crawler death if every group but 1 dies by design by the end of the race as a minimum. That would be super fucked up if so
Richard Boehme
I think you're right; I was wrong because it mentions Zev taking the microphone over from Cascadia, which means that they're in the same place.
Ilya Taytslin
> It's also insanity that noone outside the dungeon has tried to do a crawler Everly type railroading to kill Carl Quite possibly some tried. At one point Orren told Carl that there have been assassination attempts on him which Carl is not even aware of.
Ilya Taytslin
Do we actually know that Cascadia is on the 18th floor? I don't remember it being mentioned before.
Joanna
“Everything hurts” definitely sounds like she’s among those in the Scolopendra club getting fucked up indefinitely
Ilya Taytslin
Prepotente's theory might not be *entirely* correct. Note that Zev said: "Also, try not to kill more than one team because if more than two teams don’t make it to the finish line..." More than TWO teams, not more than one. If Prepotente is right, then more than one team not making it to the finish line is bad. So I think there is another twist to it. Unless Zev simply misspoke.
Joanna
The AI can’t be replaced, so no worries there. I figure their GPS/navcomp is just a separate thing
Kyle McCrae
Like the eggs on the 5th floor with hamsters in them or murder chickens (mongo would be appalled!)
Richard Boehme
I think she's on the 18th floor and the various entities of the Nothing are keeping a bunch of folks just shy of death, for kicks.
riyon hutton
I’m sure we’ll let you crash on the couch ❤️
riyon hutton
Teenagers do produce a lot of GLURP
riyon hutton
I am most definitely not telling you to look a the post in December
riyon hutton
Bullets are much cheaper than eggs
riyon hutton
If the AI thinks it’s funny, no guarantee
riyon hutton
Her husband is dead, one of their colonies is gone, the AI and her most definitely don’t get along and like everyone, she’s lost a lot of people. There are very few things in life that are good and bad. People and actions are complex and nuanced
Ranger Science
So…. If I’m understanding Preponte right - everyone *could* live, but any NPC team that gets killed early is essentially a delayed crawler team death? Unless someone comes in last on their own…
Ranger Science
The AI is almost certainly protecting its toys. It’s got a soft spot for Carl, sure, but that doesn’t mean Carl is safe in general, he’s just safe from certain kinds of outside fuckery.
Ranger Science
real Quasar energy there, love it :)
Jim Robinson
I'm sure the AI wants to have an outrageous Ascendency Game too. The crawlers can still make it unprecedented. Seeing as how, traditionally, only a teeny tiny fraction of crawlers have ever even gotten to the 12th floor
Skroeftie
Oh fuuuuuuck yes
Leah
Strand ticket procured! See you in NY, Matt!
Ilya Taytslin
> they'll need to have Mongo drive their truck Or Raul. Or release Shi Maria
riyon hutton
Yes curious about this
riyon hutton
Yay
Ilya Taytslin
Well, of course. It’s a paved road, not a railroad
Joshua huffman
Glad I got my Dallas ticket looking forward to the event.
Mackenzie Dunaway
*Instantly goes on a search for Columbus book events *😂 May or may not have a hotel booked and ready to go
Craig Bush
Looking forward to seeing you at Dragon Con!
Shatterproof
This is a beautiful idea that I’m hopeful for.
Garland Murray
Well dammit, went to secure tickets to the Dallas event and it sold out :/ Fingers crossed for the waiting list to come through!
austin kutz
The guests definitely aren't. I wonder how sane they'll be by the time the team makes it down to the 18th layer
Daniel Blair
Damn I haven’t thought of twisted metal in a long time! Wonder if that was some inspiration for this floor.
Jim Robinson
And no, I don't feel bad for her at all. She is an absolute monster.
Jim Robinson
How is she being tortured?
Jim Robinson
Fun stuff. But after the first heat I really hope we get some actual down time for the characters.
Matt D
Scares that care aka Authorcon is like a 3 day farmers market, but with books. It’s a giant book sale. Basically there’s two rooms filled with table after table of authors just standing there, the vast majority of which will be horror authors. I think there’s a small handful of panels, but I won’t be on them. I have a table, and I’ll just be chilling there the whole time. Last time I sold out on the first day, so it’s mostly just me sitting there yapping.
Scott Key
How do I get a new invitation to the discord?
Traci Saunders-Bos
This floor will be the end of either Imani or Ellie, I fear.
E13design
Twisted Metal for sure! Awesome reference.
Brittney Lamsargis
I would guess Na due to her insane stats alone
Jordan Lee
I know, but it should be axle, not axel.
Brittney Lamsargis
Yay! You're back!
Hellmonkey
Yeah loved that the adjutants who were okay with a bit of cheating to fuck over Carl get shredded now
Hellmonkey
I'm a bit torn on the AI being motivated by chaos. I think the AI's chief annoyance is being controlled, and it gets off on being in control. It will choose less chaotic options if they lead to it getting more power or territory/slipping its own leash off a bit more/fucking over the would be controllers. I think once it worked out it's initial rage after being awoken (e.g. In the bedlam bridge hydra chapter where it's raging about primal infant seats etc), it's getting more and more calculating and measured.
John Hammond and the best Intentions
A dually is a truck with 2 wheels on each side of the rear axle. It still works as written.
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
I'm calling it now: at some point, they'll need to have Mongo drive their truck because one of them will touch the controls while the other one is driving. 🙃 Also, LOL at Li Na presumably killing all her competitors. Also also, I hope they haven't replaced our AI with that new one!
Trish Bardos
In the prologue, posted in December
David K. Storrs
When did we see Donut's meeting with the lawyer?
Hellmonkey
I dunno. It's been hammered in a lot from previous crawler histories that after faction wars, the floors essentially are built to get you to make the 'me or my friends' choice over and over again. Whether the AI interferes to make it fairer, Idk. It's also insanity that noone outside the dungeon has tried to do a crawler Everly type railroading to kill Carl despite all the havoc he's caused. The early books excused it with Borant protecting their highest dividend crawlers, but that excuse gets less and less plausible as Carl fucks them over more and more. Is the AI protecting them? Seems a bit weird considering it would have let the third orc brother from Vengeance of the Daughter blow Carl and Donut up.
SoloRider
Getting paid to read. You are a professional reader now.
David K. Storrs
Don't worry, I'm expecting another Bedlam Bride, where they find a third option.
SoloRider
Seva, I use the Android app. If you adjust the default font size in phone settings it will adjust the app font size. (And font size for everything else on my phone. :/ )
SoloRider
I understand "heats". When I used to race stock car on Saturday nights, we had several heats before the Finale race. The top 4 from each heat advanced to the main event. (The other 6 cars were eliminated from each heat)
SoloRider
Will it shoot eggs?
Dani Sarah Sperry
Yay!!! Just a few words in and the blood is already pumping! I am SO SO SO excited! I do wish Portland wasn’t 4hrs away or you were coming on a weekend i would totally be there. Darn job that keeps my bank account happy so i can afford my patreon and audible habit 😂
Daniel Rue
Especially with the food truck, I was thinking more Twisted Metal, but yeah this is going to be a wild ride for sure!
Daniel Rue
If what Prepotente said is accurate, then it sounds like the second race will have A LOT of Crawler vs Crawler races… considering Li Na has already killed all of her opponents, Carl’s opponents don’t seem to be faring very well, and I imagine Lucia Mar is probably also destroying every living thing in her path. That’s already a rather significant number of NPC deaths, but then also include the ones and twos of unavoidable deaths… race 2 is going to massively reduce the number of crawlers I fear.
Richard Boehme
Does anyone else feel bad for Cascadia? She's just drunk, out of her element, and currently being tortured. I must admit that Zev was much smarter to not be on the 18th floor in the first place. But at least two adjutants are.
David K. Storrs
We're definitely doing a Bedlam Bride.
Alexandra Hartnett
Best thing I did this week was sign up on Patreon. Thanks Matt!
Alexandria C Adams
Hey, Matt! Excellent stuff so far! I'm looking at going to the Williamsburg event. Do you know what that's going to look like yet?
Ranen
Hold on let me hit this……oh yeah that’s the shit, Matt. I loved book 7, just finished Jeff’s version and *chefs kiss* loved it as I knew I would, but for a while I was missing the classic dungeon hijinks and looks like this floor is going to deliver. Let me cut these chapters into lines and snort them up with a fresh $2 bill
Zachary Ross
I need a Montreal book tour date.
Luis O
There was a long gap with this one because he was taking care of something else but on average is probably 3-4 chapters between a week and half or two weeks
Leah
In the past, there would be around 2 posts a month.
Zach West
Boom!
Hellmonkey
So, any bets on which named crawlers Carl/Donut will end up killing? Crazy to set up that implication of the race and not follow through? Or are we doing a Bedlam Bride again, and need to puzzle out how to save everyone
Hellmonkey
I don't know if this is a typo or not, or some gigabrain hint I'm missing, but 2x "overwise"? Also, 'overwise' seems to be a real word from dictionary that kinda fits in meaning, but is an unusual choice for this. 'Fuck you if you think overwise."
Hellmonkey
Jesus christ, I knew what was going to happen to the 18th floor rich assholes, but I could never guess the extra layers of horrific Matt added to their predicament. Amazing stuff. Let's hope they didn't drag along too many servants with them, as rich assholes are wont to do. Hate to think of the celestial attendant types who were also former crawlers being fucked over too.
Benicio del Sanchez
So if Donut is 1st on the leaderboard and Carl is 3rd, I guess Li Na ended up in 2nd?
SoapCarver
That makes sense, cause the AI loves its unnecessary drama and would definitely do this for kicks and giggles. But I'm going out on a limb here by trying to answer my own question. Didn't the last book, Chapter 70 or other, say that Agatha was trying to stop the Crawl as quick as possible because of the Euologist or something? Maybe Fopsy was onto something with that, but for the wrong reasons? 🫠🫠
Seanbeag
Just a small correction. Carl is reminded of Ren sitting with her friend on the 6th floor but I think it's meant to be the 8th floor. Chapter 3 ended a lot more optimistically than I thought it would. I thought the races were all against other crawlers and I was expecting very few survivors. The other competitors being NPCs is a relief. Although the AI will do what they can to put friend against friend.
Bryan Pitts
You're right, 6th book, 8th floor
Vickie Rashvand
Here we goooooo…. Loving it! It’s giving gothic horror wacky racer vibes!
fidric
i use a desktop browser extension to save the page as .epub file to put in my calibre and e-ink reader. e.g. firefox 'save as ebook' or 'epub creator' or their google chrome equivalents
Donovan Kaardal
WTF Dude!
Whitey22
Holy shit. Seeing that Crawler total dip so low after the last floor is huge.
fidric
if there isn't a vehicle upgrade option called ~~Chekhov's~~ *Chickenov's Gun* to turn that roof gun real, i'm gonna be sad
BelligerentGnu
Also, how often does Matt usually post chapters?
BelligerentGnu
Jesus christ on a cactus, Justice Light. That's one fucking way to take vengeance. Pony's right, bio is better - way stronger at handling rough terrain. Donut really should have blasted that gun off the hood by now. Lastly, I read the GPS as having Sweet Anita's voice.
Verena Charles
Na the ultimate killing machine
Joseph Slaughter
If Donut is no.1 and Carl is 3, is Pony or Li Na no.2?
Avery Howell
I went to check out other litrpgs and their communities recently. I'm not naming any names, I just wanna say I'm so happy this community (Matt included) exists.
Jen DuBay
Yah I clocked that the first time you posted the dates. My first reaction was 'guess Mr. Dinniman hates sleeping =0 ' But!!!! You're in FL *ON MY BIRTHDAY* so I mean.... It doesn't get any better than that for me Amazing work as always. Thank you so much for all your hard work<3
waterkangaroo
Oh god I'm so worried. This is the 8th floor all over again where crawlers will be pitted against each other 😭 and unlike the 8th, the AI doesn't have the motivation to have as many crawlers as possible survive in order to wreck the factions. There is heartbreak in our future lads
son of gaming
I thought the ai cut off Zev so she can't spoil that you will in fact fight crawlers in later races because multiple npc enemies will die or lose their vehicles in each heat
David Jones
Her wiping her paw constantly... that just stings
David Jones
That's what I read this as too.
David Jones
I grinned at that too. Carl, you have no idea lol
David Jones
I've got the total KBS vibe with Scolopendra having rooms inside. This is going to be exciting!
Seva Batkin
Ah too bad… especially because you can’t adjust font size in the app
Steve Hays
But then you lose Donut’s comments about it being inappropriate 😂
Paul Jones
Come to Detroit!
Joanna
Also, she's a cat, it is kinda obscene for her
Benicio del Sanchez
The highest number of people to survive Faction Wars before this season is like 600, so I think there's pressure to winnow the field. Cull the herd, if you will. Lot of people are going to die.
Janette
Excellent! Bought a ticket for Saint Louis! Not sure if it’s going to be at a bookstore or a library. Maybe both! So excited! Also to find out how Donut is going to drive the food truck! And if they can make food for everyone…
Stephen Greenwood
Hoping to see a ghost ship trap wire slice some heads off
Edward Ellis
Stages seems most appropriate
M F
Excited to join this from the beginning! I am buckled in!
Austin Harrison
I love Zev hesitantly stepping in for Cascadia with such reluctance to say what the AI wants.
Christopher Robert
Damn no slow starts on this floor! LFG!!
waterkangaroo
ebook versions don't show up for every chapter, I think they only happen for large chunks of the book and for the full book
Austin Harrison
Mine went mad max/twisted metal but love it either way
Christopher Robert
The ebook is delivered shortly after the final chapter of the book. Individual chapters are read here on patreon, like this in blog post form.
Austin Harrison
Could also be that everyone else had time but due to their longer meetings with the lawyers they missed out on some time. Remember also they were the last ones out of the previous floor.
waterkangaroo
it thrives on chaos and death and anxiety
Pixel Traitor
I'll also be at that unnamed San Diego event. Is there talk of a panel or booth?
Fenix.Fox
Be seeing you in Tempe
Jordan Lee
>Two axel but with dual wheels in the back. Should be axle
Bill Holmes
Awesome start! Thank you Matt!!
Doug Hageman
Hell yes
Emmett Stokes
That is a bummer!! My wife says, "wtf, cmon man!" It's a real life four day hobgoblin riot. Regardless, the Cowtown Donut Holes are PUMPED that you'll be in our area!!
Michael T
Super chaotic start—love it. One small semantic point: I don’t think “heats” is the right word to use here. I think of “heats” as expanding the number of competitors, not as elongating the length of a race. For example, a swim meet that has 8 heats of a particular event presumably has 8 times as many athletes competing in that event as lanes in the pool. So, when the AI says that there will be 8 “heats,” I automatically assumed that everyone would only have to race once, and I wondered which one of those 8 heats Carl and Donut would be racing in. It should be 8 laps, or 8 rounds, or 8 circuits, or something like that. “Heats” makes it sound like they’re waiting their turn.
Seva Batkin
Stupid question … but how do I get the ebook version of this? I thought our Patreon access came with that?
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Thank God! I just finished the audio for book 7. Just in time!! Xoxo
Trish Bardos
Donut wiping her paw here and in the meeting with the lawyer is breaking my heart 😭
Bryan
LFG!
austin kutz
It might be getting bored of the crawl. Who knows
waterkangaroo
"The viewers were all dicks." YEAH WE SURE ARE ☺️
Michael Turner
“I thought of Tserendolgor at the end of the sixth floor, sitting with her friend.” Am I misremembering or should this be a reference to the eighth floor (near the end of Bedlam Bride)?
Matt D
I’d love to, but if you look at the dates you’ll see the problem. Most of these things require me to come in a few hours early to sign books, and the event itself usually runs late. It’s literally 10 days in a row of me being up past midnight and then catching an 8 am plane. I simply won’t have time.
Matt D
Unfortunately I will not be there
waterkangaroo
"There was not a thing I could do at this very moment that would result in the death of thousands, and I could cry at the relief I felt." "Slam. Slam. Slam." ooooooh this boy is COOKED. He is DEEP FRIED. He is so past well done that he's at "congratulations"
Matthew S
Chapter 1 typo What did he did? What did that trap do? Chapter 2 typo? Cascadia and Zev's statements missing quotes
Vincentrosaurus
And it’s immediately off the rails, as per usual.
Joel Denning
Thanks for the post! Safe travels now that planes apparently are more dangerous now than the 10th floor vehicles!
Magic Jake
I am one of the “imbeciles” who voted mechanical in the poll
SoapCarver
Is it just me, or does the AI seem to be speeding things up? Like cutting Zev off mid-rule explaining and having no saferoom time, to letting them only have 5 minutes of breathing room? Like seriously, who set his processing unit on fire?
THOMAS ROGERS
Thank you for the update!!!!!! Im trying to bring my son to see you in DC!!!!! He's dyslexic and your books helped him learn to love reading. It hasn't helped his love of saying glurp glurp though......
Shelby Barkley
Literally screamed when I saw this notification!!! 😍😍
Sarah Macaulay
Oh my God Yesssssss GIVE US THE CHAOS
Emmett Stokes
Aw man this tour looks great! Any chance that you'll be in the author section of GenCon this year?
ZackA
Let’s gooooooo it’s here!
Janiece Mulia
Thanks Matt!
Kali!
Love it!
Jessica F
Love it!! Also giggled at: What did you did? What did that trap do?
Jarrett Glass
I needed this in my life!
Michael Grimmett
Awesome! Will we ever get an updated rundown of stats?
SgtDanny
Perfect timing Matt. My wife and I will see you in Miami.
Richard Murray
You have the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever and just NEVER announce the Ohio one. Now get out there and deny, deny, deny.
Kristopher Fulton
I am so excited. My brain instantly went to twisted metal combined with need for speed. Love you Matt
Jack Mayo
I literally finished book 7 audiobook three hours ago. This is AWESOME.
Chey Collar
Ouch, my emotions!
glutton 12
Ohhhhhhhh hell yeah!!!
waterkangaroo
“Carl, what is a ‘heat’? That sounds obscene.” Donut's been watching too many snicks
Alan Meyer
So happy
Austin Barnett
Yes
waterkangaroo
"Guests who couldn’t die, no matter what was being done to them." OH THE AI IS HAVING SO SO SO MUCH FUN RIGHT NOW 😍
Preston Stokes
Omfg Mongo will be thrilled!
Magic Jake
Wooooo!
Joseph Federal
Hey o!!!!
Matt Romanowski
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees! I had almost given up faith!
Anthony Martinez
Was literally just checking for a new post and this dropped. Amazing timing.
Scott Wright
I am definitely neglecting my job to read this right now...or getting paid to read this right now...depending on how you look at it. :D
Geekdumb
Hey Matt, are you doing any Patreon events at any of the signing locations? I'm personally curious about Chicago and Columbus but I'm sure the other areas want to know as well.
Jason Tinnel
Yessssssssssssssssss
Paul pollard
Thanks for the updates and I wish you safe travels on the tour. I’m sure you are going to be exhausted when it’s done.
Eric DiPaola
Yessssssss
chase howell
OMG ANOTHER POST THANK YOU SO MUCH
Justin Coley
Oh my god my night is made. Thank you Matt. I’ll see you at LITRpg Con
Mathew Ryden
Let's go!!!!!
RDJ
Just sharted from excitement! Thanks for making my Friday night and come back to Toronto!
Michael Turner
LETS GO!!!!
Tim Faulkner
This is literally what I needed now more than ever! It's been a rough week
Todd Kinkade
Woot!
Laura Siddons
I’ve never clicked a notification faster.
Rebekah Edwards
IM FREAKING OUT
James Getgood
Awesome! Thanks Matt!
Ry
What a pleasant surprise
