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481 — The Ideal Marriage Partner
🕑 Added 2025-08-29 15:00:21 +0000 UTC“I want to marry a toilet.”
At first, Kyousuke thought he must’ve misheard.
But when he stepped closer, he realized Hiratsuka Shizuka really was muttering those words.
‘This poor woman… had she finally snapped?’
“Why not marry cigarettes instead? I mean, if you had to pick, most people would probably go with cigarettes, right?” he asked curiously.
“What nonsense. If I married cigarettes and later got lung cancer, the poor things would feel guilty.”
She said it without even turning her head, completely immersed in the blissful fantasy of her marriage with a toilet.
“Then I suppose marrying beer is off the table too?”
“Exactly. No matter how much I love beer, it’s too dangerous to marry. A true adult has to learn self-control.
Sure, beer is nice, but it’s not fit for marriage. Drink too much, and you end up making a fool of yourself, destroying your image and then no one would ever marry you again.”
…Huh. That actually made sense.
Maybe she wasn’t completely crazy after all.
Kyousuke was a little taken aback.
Against his will, he felt a flicker of respect for this oddly reliable adult.
He leaned in and asked in a low voice:
“So, what’s your reason for choosing a toilet?”
“Idiot! How can you not see the charms of such an ideal marriage partner?”
She finally turned around, looking furious that her beloved fiancé’s virtues had gone unnoticed.
“I’m just humbly asking for guidance from the wise and mature Hiratsuka-sensei,” Kyousuke said with feigned meekness.
“Ahem. Listen well, brat. Based on my ten-plus years of research into marriage—”
“Ten years…?”
“Don’t interrupt! You’ll have your chance to worship me later.”
Hiratsuka glared and scolded him like an angry teacher.
“…Heh.” Kyousuke lowered his gaze, smiling faintly.
Even if she really had gone off the deep end, seeing her so full of energy… he felt he could relax, on Yukino’s behalf as well.
“A marriage partner must never be someone dazzling, someone so radiant you want to marry them the instant you lay eyes on them,” she lectured, raising a finger. “Because people like that would never marry me!”
“Even if, by some miracle, they did accept my burning love, once we got married and they saw all my flaws, they’d desperately try to run away.”
She clenched her fist and gave it a dramatic shake—literally demonstrating her fistful of love.
“Flaws? Other than being a busybody, what flaws do you even have, sensei?” Kyousuke asked, genuinely curious.
He had often wondered why a woman as remarkable as Hiratsuka Shizuka kept failing at arranged dates.
She had the looks, the figure, even the personality.
Well, for the last part—if she could stay friends with someone as twisted as Haruno, that already said a lot.
“I-I’m not a busybody…” she muttered unconvincingly, then started counting her flaws off her fingers:
“I smoke. But I always stub it out after just one puff. Still, my fingers reek of tobacco.”
“And your mouth?”
“What are you implying?! Of course not!”
Her eyes went wide, and she leaned forward on tiptoe, blowing hard breaths right into his face like a child proving they hadn’t eaten forbidden candy.
“Haaah—haaah—”
Kyousuke quickly leaned back, wincing.
No, there wasn’t a trace of smoke, but still—having her warm breath wash over his face was incredibly awkward.
“Okay, okay, I get it. You didn’t sneak anything just now. Continue with your list of flaws,” he said, stepping back further.
“Sneak?”
She blinked, then glanced at the bathroom behind her.
Realizing what he meant, her face flushed with anger.
“How dare you! The toilet is my ideal marriage partner. Why would I steal from him?!”
…Huh?
For just a moment, Kyousuke was genuinely moved.
Her loyalty to the idea of marriage was so absolute it could probably put 99.999% of humanity to shame.
Of course, he didn’t include himself in that number.
When it came to loyalty toward marriage, Kyousuke prided himself on being second to none.
Unfortunately, Hiratsuka Shizuka clearly didn’t recognize that, and that was the root of their constant clashes.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said earnestly.
“And another thing! We’ve been talking for ages, and you still haven’t noticed there’s no smoke smell on my breath. That kind of poor observation won’t get you far in life.”
Her anger vanished as quickly as it came, leaving her mumbling something under her breath.
With his sharp hearing, Kyousuke caught the words:
‘Kobayashi Pharma, Fresh Breath Pills, Kissing Candy, Kiss Device…’
‘I misjudged you, Hiratsuka-sensei.’
Kyousuke felt ashamed.
He had assumed she was one of those women who only claimed they wanted marriage while not lifting a finger toward it.
But in truth—she was already trying desperately.
It wasn’t entirely his fault.
Almost every holiday, he would bump into Hiratsuka Shizuka enjoying herself somewhere.
Never in mixed company, but in quirky places like a café stocked with 80s manga, a kids’ baseball game, or a “100 Yen Treasure Dig” event. Fun, yes—but not exactly marriage-related.
…Well, maybe not entirely unrelated.
Just last week, Yuigahama had secretly told him about something.
Miura and her clique had gone to pray for good fortune at Tamatsukuri Inari Shrine, where they ran into none other than their teacher—standing in front of the altar, praying with frightening sincerity.
Bow.
Coin toss.
Ring bell.
Bow.
Make a wish.
Bow.
The five-yen coin flew straight into the offering box with perfect precision.
Miura had scoffed that it must’ve taken dozens of tries to get that accurate without hitting the railing even once.
Then came the bell.
According to Yui, she shook it so fiercely that everyone thought if the gods really did appear, Hiratsuka-sensei would leap onto the altar, grab them by the ears, and shout:
“Are you listening?! I’m about to make my wish!”
And her wish? Loud enough to be heard from two meters away, brimming with both hope and resentment:
“This year, I WILL get married. If I don’t, I’ll be back for my money.”
“If I’m still single next year, I expect double compensation. And if I’m still single the year after that, I’m taking the whole offering box home with me!”
Miura had snickered, but Yuigahama quietly pulled Hiratsuka aside to deliver the harsh truth:
“Um, sensei… this shrine is for financial luck. If you want to pray for marriage, you should go to Ise Grand Shrine instead…”
Miura herself was there to pray for money—she had burned through her allowance too fast lately.
Yui had worried their teacher would be crushed.
But instead, Hiratsuka had burst out laughing.
“Hahaha! Don’t worry, I know.”
When Yui told the story later, Sakura laughed even harder and gave the real answer:
Why Hiratsuka-sensei, knowing full well it wasn’t a marriage shrine, still went through the whole ritual anyway…
“See, that way, if I don’t get married this year, it’s not my fault—it’s because the gods weren’t working hard enough~”
Yui had been left speechless… but at the same time, she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Hiratsuka-sensei was onto something.
Anyway, in Kyousuke’s mind, the only real “effort” Hiratsuka Shizuka ever put toward marriage was praying at a shrine—and she even went to the wrong kind of shrine for that.
It was like taking kindergarteners to an arcade and letting them play King of Fighters. Sure, both coin-operated, but… not exactly the same thing!
“So don’t just keep looking far off into the distance—pay attention to the things around you too!” Hiratsuka said casually, dropping words that sounded almost profound.
Kyousuke nodded seriously.
He resolved to treat her more kindly from now on.
After all, she was already at the point of wanting to marry a toilet.
Tormenting her further… would hardly make him human.
“Eh—?!”
Suddenly, Hiratsuka’s eyes went wide as she stumbled backward, nearly bumping into a girl behind her.
The clumsy woman quickly apologized.
“H-Hojou! When did you get here?!”
“Sensei, I’ve been talking to you this whole time. If you mean when exactly, it was right about the moment you declared you were marrying a toilet. A very moving speech, by the way.”
Kyousuke lowered his gaze, speaking as meekly as possible.
Hiratsuka sucked in a sharp breath.
Damn it.
She’d gotten carried away, overjoyed at finding her ideal marriage partner—and this sly brat had tricked her into spilling far too much.
“So then, aside from smoking, what other flaws do you have?” Kyousuke pressed.
“Flaws, my ass!”
Rolling her eyes, she turned and walked ahead.
Because the topic she had in mind today was a bit sensitive, she didn’t choose the counseling booth in the teacher’s office, but instead led him to a proper counseling room.
Kyousuke chuckled quietly and didn’t push further.
He knew Hiratsuka Shizuka too well—if it was related to marriage, she’d never be able to hold it in.
Inside the counseling room, the two sat facing each other.
Hiratsuka lit a cigarette, long legs crossed neatly in her slacks. She took a drag, exhaled to the side, and said:
“I picked an empty room on purpose. You should know what I want to talk about, right?”
“About why you want to marry a toilet,” Kyousuke replied without missing a beat.
“Exactly! Continuing from before—besides smoking, there’s drinking. That’s why beer’s no good!”
Her face lit up instantly, eyes shining as she spoke passionately.
She stubbed the cigarette out after only one puff, crushing it neatly into a portable ash pouch.
It was a square leather pouch with a red star printed on the front, lined with what looked like fireproof material.
The craftsmanship caught Kyousuke’s eye, and he gave it an extra glance.
Just as he thought—Hiratsuka couldn’t hold it in.
She looked ready to grab the gods by the ears and shout that she had finally found her perfect partner.
She lit another cigarette, inhaled deeply, and immediately stubbed it out again.
‘She and Eriri would probably get along,’ Kyousuke mused.
After all, Eriri had once preached to everyone she knew that ninety-nine percent of cola’s essence was concentrated in the very first sip.
“Beer tastes great, but drink too much and you just throw up,” Hiratsuka declared loudly.
“That’s true,” Kyousuke nodded. And now he understood why she had chosen a completely empty room for this talk.
“Vomiting, diarrhea, my period—he’s seen all of it. Every humiliating side of me. And yet the toilet has always accepted me, never once looking down on me.”
Her eyes grew wet with tears.
All this time, she’d been chasing after marriage, blind to the true love right by her side. She’d betrayed the toilet’s loyalty for so many years.
‘I’m the worst…’
Maybe that Tamatsukuri Inari Shrine really was good for romance prayers. Even toilets had granted her a bond.
“…”
Kyousuke’s eyes widened in shock… then slowly lowered again.
What now? She almost sounded convincing.
Should he… congratulate her?
Looking at Hiratsuka’s blissful expression—like a woman deeply in love—he found himself at a loss for words.
His hands clenched into fists nervously.
Honestly, not even during his first fight had he felt this tense.
Facing a woman in love… was scarier than Godzilla.
Just as he was about to ask about the wedding date—or what kind of bachelor party one should throw for a toilet—images of Yukari suddenly flooded his mind.
“Hello, I’m Shizuka Toilet. This is my friend, Yukino Yukari.”
“Ah, Yukari—that’s my husband! How could you, how could you—”
He pictured Shizuka’s devastated cry, like she’d been cuckolded, after catching Yukino Yukari walking out of the bathroom.
“Miki, after we finish drinking tonight, you’d better take me straight home—and don’t forget to lock the bathroom door!”
“Haruno, how many times do I have to tell you? I only use this brand of cleaner. My husband’s allergic to the others.”
“…”
A flurry of surreal images and voices stormed Kyousuke’s mind.
He swallowed hard.
Even someone as strong as him couldn’t handle having a friend who’d married a toilet.
He couldn’t bless this.
He couldn’t approve of this union.
It had to be stopped.
Hiratsuka sat there, glowing with happiness.
Kyousuke’s lips trembled before he forced the words out:
“Um, Hiratsuka-sensei… have you considered that toilets in the women’s restroom sometimes still have the seat left up? Wouldn’t that be kind of depressing?”
For men, lifting the seat was natural.
But for women? Having it constantly left up was just… irritating.
“It’s fine. I can endure little things like that. Accepting each other’s flaws is the secret to a happy marriage, Hojou-kun.”
Her face remained unchanged, still radiating joy.
…Crap. She was making way too much sense in all the wrong places.
No. He had to stop her.
Kyousuke’s mind went into overdrive.
“You like the toilet because it accepts all your worst sides, and you’re prepared to accept its flaws too. That’s good. But that’s exactly the problem.”
