claracosmia
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Late night updates & rambles
🕑 Added 2019-04-23 04:59:43 +0000 UTC
Edit: couldn't get to my computer enough to do snaps and messages today but I saw them come in, so Hai welcomeeee and hold tight (to your nearest squishy object) I'll have them processed shortly 💋
Super KOed again but just want to pop in for a lil update bcs I had wanted to get some editing and posts done this evening but the first half of the day took all my spoons and then some and I crashed hard.
It's taken five hours of
*pain peak, hitting that 8.5*
*can't see*
OKAY REST AND PHYSIO
*hour later, pain at a 6*
HOKAY WORK TIME
*five minutes upright... Back to start, do not pass go*
For me to realise I should just fucking call it, have a soak, and attempt to get some sleep.
Having my mom here this weekend helping with my taxes and the apartment was really great but it was also so many more spoons then I had bargained for. She is my mom, but still, having another person in your carefully curated disabled control freak person space is very disruptive and stressful haha. Especially with opposite schedules, I was sneaking around trying to do my physio and work while she was asleep a few feet away, and I'm an incredibly light sleeper so I didn't really sleep much past eight or nine when she started working on stuff (I go to bed between 4-7 am, so not asleep long haha).
And as previously mentioned, not being able to stand up and watching someone run around cleaning your shit is also a special level of torture (which I subconsciously decided was less torturous than the pain of being upright & moving judging by how much I did 🙃).
It's also so disheartening at the same time and I think that pushed me to do more. Like that so much progress had been made in such a short time made me want to do as much as possible before I crashed hah. Literally what my mother and I did (so like 98% her) in 3 days on my taxes and apartment would have taken me 4 months... And I think it's pretty normal for that to be Hella depressing haha.
But I'm trying to drown that out by going HEY LOOK WHAT I CAN GET DONE WITH (a really huge amount of) PEOPLE'S HELP!
I've asked her to try and plan a weekend a month she can come and help me till I'm caught up and I'm going to attempt to find a friends that would also be willing to do anything similar (on a less regular basis obviously) to either help keep my head above water or to help in times of falling extra behind (like now hah).
I hate that my brain wouldn't let me even see asking anyone to physically come to my apt to help as an option until I finally hitting 6m behind with some physical rewards, realising this fall related hip and mobility issues weren't healing in any normal time frame, and having more crippled from anxiety days than not (a previously decently under control mental illness). Sigh.
Better late than never!
It's a slow long road but thank you for being with me on it.
I promise love and lulz always 🖤
Okay that's cool Clara but I can't fap it to love and lulz (or can I? Kinky....)
Lolol
Don't worry, I've got some sweet BTS from the last couple shoots as well as my vlog footage working on so more content coming shortly whilst I'm working on/&waiting for some more edits
And besides general cleaning/chores the apt stuff I asked my mum for help with was clearing more workspace for making/shipping physical rewards.
Disabled + flared + time = no space.
All the extra medical shit but also not being to pick up after yourself at all (sometimes literally on the days I can't bend haha) your apartment looks like a tornado went through a hoarders house within a week!
So while we didn't manage to finish it all the main space is cleared and I already feel such a weight off just knowing I don't have to use 7 spoons to fight out an area to work wooooot
Not to mention I've had a sinus headache/low migraine for a week and I'm sure all the dust and cat hair bunnies were noooot helping haha my allergies have been real bad lately so here's hoping Dewen and I will be less sniffley now (yes her allergies/ respiratory issues flared up too, poor lil moofin). Arthur's having a rough time too, they're both very nervous cats and having someone in the apt for so long + our schedules on their head made them both freak out so they've been taken like half my spoons as well and it'll probably be about 3 days till they chill out again... Anyone wanna be a cat wrangler? Haha look how cute they are when they're sleeping tho
As an aside I learnt a lot more about migraines this weekend and have way more symptoms with them than I thought. A lot of them overlap with just really high pain level symptoms for me (muscle weakness, cognition issues, speach issues, double vision, mood changes, etc) so I never really paid attention but now that I know those are only a smol portion of what a migraine can cause I've been more aware and trying to use a migraine tracker ap to see if I can make some headway with triggers and warning signs!
I'm hoping to have some relief this weekend though I have to travel for a few medical appointments but at least one of them is chiro!
I had to miss an appt last week bcs of the food poisoning and I haven't been able to reset my ribcage properly myself, and I think based off the pain and location it's part of the reason for all the migraines, murrrr
My life these days as a disabled person is like the sadistic love child of Russian roulette and the butterfly effect. Like which random thing will go wrong and ruin the next two weeks in fun and unforeseen ways?! 😂
K this took me like three hours to write via a combo of text and speech to text so time for a soak and bed. There was also a lot of squinting bcs my face feels like a family of gnomes set up shop behind my eyes and nose and are just having a party. Like blowing up a tonne of balloons, hanging off the ceiling fan, some asshole brought a drumkit... Like it's just wild up in there
Comments
Literally 98% of what people have shared with me after stuff I've written I had zero idea I was of any influence at all. My brain won't let me believe it's real most of the time, I never drempt I could have the most impact when I've felt the most alone
Hey any pitter in the vast wasteland of antidepressants is a high accomplishmwnte! And being reminded of any way I help people has been soso crutial to rebuilding my self worth through these illnesses, it means so much to me, thank you 🖤
If I could reach through this tablet I would totally hug you. I follow a lot of cosplayers, I am a huge fan since my first convention in 1996. But you completely stole my heart and brought me as close to tears as I can get (antidepressant). I would take all of your pain if I could. Despite all your obstacles you still manage to bring so much joy to the lives of others. That makes you a hero in my book. Luv & spoons 4ever!💚
Don't worry i mean
