claracosmia
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🕑 Added 2019-03-15 23:49:06 +0000 UTCI thought I had been having a rough few weeks since my second injury on valentines but this week has been truly brtual. But once the news really hit I ceased all ability to function for the majority of it. I was lost in some weird numb haze that intermittently flipped to just crushing sadness & pain. Everything became an insurmountable mountain. And its like my threshold for being overwhelmed just dropped to the floor and it took everything I had just to take my medication or feed myself occasionally.
I'm slowing returning to realm of semi-functional but it's incredibly hard. It's feels like if I smile it's only because I forgot for a second?
But I showered. I got to some doctor appointments. And told a couple friends what's going on as much as I could. I cannot look at how behind I am right now or I get paralyzed by anxiety, I can't look at what I "should" be doing or I get lost in a sea of guilt.
I can only focus on what I can do and I cannot push myself through this or I'm going to cause far worse issues down the road. I'm trying my hardest to balance my business load with my mental and physical health whilst understanding that it's not my fault a seemingly new minor catastrophe hits every couple weeks, and all that's in my control is how I deal, but it's difficult.
If you got stuff from my store or pledged the last couple of months: thank you so much, I'm really struggling right now so I'm late, content is behind, but I love you, I'm trying my best, you're gonna always get your shit it's just gonna be probably not the normal wait times.
So many Cosmians have been telling me through these really difficult last few months that I'm worth it, I'm worth the extra effort, wait, or concessions, and I'm slowly starting to believe that. One day I'll be shouting it from the rooftops and it'll be cause of you guys ❤️
(and hopefully it'll encourage other #disabled or #spoonie comrades to realise their worth and do the same)
I know I need to let social media at large know what's going on but I have nothing in me to explain again or differently and since my patrons have given me the strength to keep trying to normalize vulnerability on a wide scale I'm sharing the video I posted earlier this week, publicly.
Content updates in a couple days when I can get more stuck in. I've had like a 4 hour stretch of not sobbing under an abismal vantablack cloud today so I think this is progress 👌
EDIT trying to write this was a cognition nightmare so I'm sure some segments are backwards or something and I don't know if I emphasized this enough but I wanted to make sure you guys understood that I wasn't even able to open up to friends for days and your comments in my post last week literally were the only positive mental health input I had and it's the only reason I'm slowly pulling myself out of this now bcs without that input I would still be spiralling hard. So seriously, it meant everything. I tried to come up with individual replies multiple times but it wasn't going well so I just wanted to be sure I got across the gravitas of gratitude I'm feeling.... Thank you CUI, Brandon, Christopher, Edward, Matt, David, Nicole, Tim, and Michael ❤️
Comments
Craig
*hug* just allow yourself to process and heal at your pace. ❤
Rich
Hope you are doing better. You ever need a friendly ear, for l shout up.
