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Everyone's a Catgirl! Bonus Quest: Matt the Villain
🕑 Added 2024-05-17 23:34:50 +0000 UTCThanks to Lady Toast for commissioning "What if Matt had gone to Rhodes?"
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Day 0
When I opened my eyes again, I was standing in a medieval-looking town, surrounded by men and women wearing loose linen garments who gave me little more than a nod as they passed. I quickly realized that my green jacket and jeans had been replaced with a similarly beige version of the people around me. It didn’t feel very hero-like, if I’m being honest.
Well, Leiana did say Rhodes was pretty easy.
I brushed a hand through my hair and took a deep breath. Smelled like horse. My grandparents owned a farm, and that strangely sweet scent of hay and giant barn animals permeated the air.
I don’t know what I’d pictured. Maybe arriving at a town in basic armor with a sword at the ready like every other JRPG I’d played tossed me into. Or maybe a user interface installed into my vision with a helpful guide whispering into my ear like you’d see in light novels. But as far as I could tell, I had the thin clothes on my back and a worn pair of leather shoes on my feet, and that was it.
“Uh, excuse me.” I tapped a shoulder beneath a bobbing hat carrying a wooden crate down the road.
They grunted and looked up. “Yes, sir?” It was a guy around my age, and he struggled under the weight.
Careful, buddy, that could kill you. “Sorry to bother you. But where am I?”
He squinted up at me like I’d lost my mind. That was a fair assessment. “Are you new around here?”
“Yeah.”
He nodded and set the crate down onto the dirt before rubbing his hands on the thighs of his trousers. “Jeez, a lot of new faces lately.” He stretched his arms, then readjusted his hat. “This is Allium. Though it’s pretty hard to stumble into our city on accident.” He scratched his chin. “Little early to worship a bottle, isn’t it?”
I sighed. It’s easier for him to believe that, anyway. “Working on stopping, really. Is there somewhere around here I can pick up quests? Help people out? Things like that?”
He frowned and plucked at the few hairs on his face. “Allium’s a peaceful place. But you can try your luck in the town square. People post notices there when they need help. May help you get acquainted.”
“Great. Thanks.” I nodded and stepped forward, then felt embarrassment creeping into my face. “Erm, where’s the town square?”
He chuckled, then pointed. “It’s that way. You’re a funny sort. The name’s Ben.”
“Matt,” I replied and avoided his stare. It’s Matt the town drunk to you, Ben. “See you around.”
“Safe travels, friend.” Ben bent down to retrieve his crate, then hobbled away into the crowd.
I marched in the direction he’d pointed until I came across what I could only assume was the town square. A giant wooden noticeboard stood at its center, and as I approached, one of the papers tacked in the upper right shimmered in the afternoon sunlight. It was practically glowing by the time I could read the cursive writing emblazoned across it.
Welcome to Rhodes, New Hero! I read silently. To access your inventory, simply close your eyes and think, ‘Inventory.’
“Okay,” I mumbled. I closed my eyes and pictured a grid of squares filled with items and thought, ‘Inventory.’ An image not far from my imagination populated my mind, but each item was rendered with perfect clarity instead of a small, pixelated representation as I’d expected. Pristine leather armor, a shimmering sword, enough food to feed me for a month in the form of steaming meals, and ten thousand gold.
Ten thousand gold?!
My eyes snapped open, and I returned to hastily read the rest of the notice.
To retrieve items from your inventory, simply picture it in your hands or on your person, and it will appear! You will find a key with an address to your assigned quarters, where a significant other has been assigned to you.
“What the hell?”
You will want for nothing in your new life! Your levels will reflect your assistance and kindness toward your fellow citizens. There are—
I stopped reading and stepped to the side. There were three other pieces of parchment pasted to the board, each bearing a different style of handwriting.
Could someone please rescue my cat? Headed one.
Another began with, My twins need supervision on the next Lunar Eve.
The third had Urgent! penned across the top, and my excitement returned. A rabbit is destroying my garden! Will a hero please step forward? My spices look terrible!
My adrenaline deflated with my shoulders. All three notices offered ten gold each and a level. But what the hell was the point of the gold if I started with a fortune? And did the levels actually do anything?
I closed my eyes and opened my inventory. I found the key tied to a scroll at the tail end of my items, just as the glowing notice had advised. When I pictured it appearing in my hand, the cool touch of the metal key and light paper surfaced in my palm. I pictured the armor on my body for good measure, then opened my eyes.
I looked incredibly overgeared as I wandered the streets of Allium. Many eyes snapped to me, and mouths gaped in an uncomfortable reverence. I kept hearing the words ‘new hero’ whispered between a few groups that passed me—something that should have had me excited, but I was beginning to worry. Even if Leiana had said this was on the ‘gentler side,’ even the easy video games had some kind of adventure to go on. There had to be something, right?
I found my house—a picturesque cottage with a small stable attached—and unlocked the door. A gorgeous girl with long dark hair and darker eyes turned from setting the table and clasped her hands at her waist before bowing deeply.
“Welcome home, husband!” she said. “Dinner is nearly finished!”
I blinked.
Maybe things weren’t all bad.
Day 17
A little over two weeks in Allium and the uncomfortable needling of boredom returned.
Iris, my wife, was perfect. The sex was perfect. Our house was perfect. She cooked us a perfect dinner every night despite every steaming meal still occupying my infinite inventory. There was a kid whose whole job it was to take care of the perfect white horse in the stable who called me ‘Master’ and ‘My Lord.’ Which was weird, but Iris continued to encourage me that it made him happy.
I was level 20. Which was apparently the cap. I’d saved pets, set bunnies on their merry way back into the forest, retrieved frightened horses, and delivered mail. I had not fought a single enemy or resolved any major conflicts. People in town kept calling me a hero and Lord Matt, but it felt like a damn lie. I hadn’t done anything heroic.
I took my sword and wandered along the Allium walls in the nearby forest one night after Iris had gone to sleep. In our perfect bed. No sounds in the middle of the night to ever wake us up. We didn’t have locks on the doors because no one would think of committing robbery.
“Someone fucking do something!” I bellowed and swung my sword.
It was dark and the lantern on my hip gave me a small circle of light, but apparently it was not enough. My blade crashed through a wooden gate, splintering the wood into a thousand pieces. A donkey bayed its surprise a few yards away.
Warning! You have committed a crime!
“I…what?” I whispered. This was the first time a foreign voice had spoken to me since I’d arrived. It rang in my ears like a siren and sounded mad as hell.
Apologize to the victim and pay adequate remunerations immediately!
I shook my head. Was this why no one acted out? It was like an air horn had gone off inside my head, and at the same time, it was…
Comforting…
I struck down another section of fence.
Warning! This is your second issuance!
I laughed and rushed inside the fence. “Fuck you!” I found the donkey and chased it outside the fence. By this point, the owner and a few neighbors had heard the commotion and wandered out into the streets. Their gasps and cries for me to stop only fueled me.
If you continue, your inventory will be no longer accessible until your dues are paid!
There was a chicken coop off to the right. The hens and roosters had roused to the noise and added their own cacophony of screams and squawks. I sliced open the chicken wire and herded them into the yard.
Warning! Your inventory is now locked!
My sword was still in my hands and the armor still on my body. Seemed like just the food and gold would remain stuck in there. Not like I’d picked up anything else of use. I found one last goat pen and freed them. When I turned to face the crowd, Iris stood at the forefront with a hand over her mouth.
“Matt, how could you?” I heard her soft voice over the crowd.
I laughed again. For the first time since I’d arrived, I felt alive. Let them chase some chickens and fix the damn fence. How long had it been since any of them had experienced real agitation? Real fear?
A real hero?
If no one would rise to the occasion, I would force it.
Day 25
The horse I’d stolen from the barn was fine on food out in the wilderness. Every blade of grass in Rhodes seemed packed with every nutrient an animal needed. But without access to the meals in my inventory or Iris’s cooking, I had to learn how to hunt for my own sustenance.
Very distant memories of being a Boy Scout helped with starting a fire, at least. But capturing food was another story entirely. I’d wasted an entire day trying to build traps to catch one stupid rabbit and then another unsuccessfully crafting a fishing net. There were more than a few times that I considered eating the horse, but then my only mode of transportation and possible bargaining chip would be lost. The first time I pulled a fish bigger than my pinky from a stream, I actually whooped.
I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to stay close enough to a few cities to lure away enough prospects to kickstart my financial situation. I still hadn’t figured out how to reopen my inventory. On the plus side, the warning voice had disappeared, so I had that going for me.
But then I saw it. A tall tower built with black stone and sturdy iron doors. Thick, flowering vines permeated the windows and pierced through the spire’s steepled roof, suggesting that this place had been abandoned for quite some time.
I dismounted from Rudolph—the horse, not the reindeer—and carefully approached the door. If there was ever a building with traps, this place was it.
When my foot sank a few inches deeper into the ground than normal, I dove forward. Three sharp arrows launched from the front door and sailed over my head, just barely missing Rudolph’s flank. He munched on the grass, none the wiser.
My heart hammered as I rose, and I chuckled. Now this was the shit the world needed. I touched the iron gate, and a searing heat shot through my fingertips.
Trespassers will be rent piecemeal and set aflame! A new voice screamed in my head. This one was low and feminine and just as pissed off as the warning. If you wish to live, then you— …Hm? This is interesting. Her icy tone vanished, replaced by a warm, seductive hum. I shivered. Why is your inventory locked?
Was she talking to me? “Too many crimes, apparently,” I replied out loud.
…A criminal? Has conflict at last returned to Rhodes?
“No. Just me.” I let my hand slide down the gate and rested it on one of the many bends in the iron.
And what are you doing here, just you?
I worked my jaw. Was this a trick question? Ah, hell, what did I have to lose? “Wishing that there was a lot more conflict in Rhodes.”
The voice sounded as if it were smiling. Is that so, hero?
“I’m not a hero.” I shook my head.
Would that make you a villain?
I looked through the gates and squinted into the black void beyond. “Yeah. I want to be the villain.”
Three clicks fired in quick succession, and the gate swung back.
Come in.
Day 42
The voice that watched the tower didn’t have a body, but she did have a name—Anais. She’d been the last Big Bad Guy in Rhodes over a thousand years before. She’d overridden my inventory to free the gold and deactivated the traps to show me around. Rudolph safely remained out back without arrows in his head.
The moment Anais showed me her workshop, I knew what it would mean to be a villain. Chains, traps, magical devices that caused status effects and illnesses, potions and poisons, everything I’d need to wreak havoc on this world. But it wouldn’t be for nothing. No, there were three enormous rooms dedicated to ‘loot.’ Armor, weapons, piles of gold and gemstones, accessories and jewelry, powerful magical scrolls and spells that hadn’t been used in eons.
Rhodes has always been too soft. Too simple. My aim wasn’t to wipe them out but spur them to rise, Anais explained.
I nodded as I picked up a jewel-encrusted crossbow.
Oh. Be careful with that. The arrows phase through walls.
I set the crossbow back down. Then I set to work.
Luring them to the tower was easy. Ride to one of the nearby cities, set fire to a couple of fields or a stall here and there. Release a monster or two that Anais kept in the tower for special occasions. Leave enough of a trail to follow me home. Sometimes, a guard would catch up to me, and we’d have a swordfight right then and there. I’d let him believe he had a chance, then blast him away with magic.
Can’t make it easy. That’s not the point.
I’d set gold or items near the edges of traps around the tower. If anyone figured out how to make it past them, it was theirs. If they made it inside, more awaited. More fights, more challenges, and then me. So far, no one had defeated me. But I always left them in decent enough condition to crawl home and nurse their wounds to try again. Besides, I had to give them a few wins, or they’d cower in fear, and my game was up.
Fear wasn’t fun. Vengeance was fun.
Being a villain is fun.
