roarke
patreon
thank you for your support ๐ + some updates about me
🕑 Added 2024-03-27 02:56:56 +0000 UTCThank you all so much for being here and supporting me another month! I know that things have been weird with Patreon lately, but I appreciate you all sticking around.
I've been inactive here, on Discord and on social media lately because I've been dealing with a really difficult combination of stuff, both mental and physical health-wise. I wanted to talk about it and hopefully relieve some of the anxiety I have surrounding it, because having these things on my mind but not sharing it with friends and people who support me has been weighing heavily on me. I won't go into extreme detail, but if you're uncomfortable with the topics below you can just skip the following section.
(CW: discussion of abuse and diseases, mention of self harm)
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The past few months I've been struggling with communicating with friends and posting on social media, etc. even more so than in the past. Last year I blocked a patron and long-time client for harassment, and this person confronted me via DM on social media in December, and said that me blocking them from my patreon/etc lead to them almost causing harm to themselves. I didn't react to this well and I think this lead me to uncovering some stuff (in regards to my mental health) because of how triggering it was.
Although I've known I have anxiety and talked about mental health struggles before, it's only recently that I had some significant breakthroughs and began to understand my symptoms and what is probably causing them. I believe that my mental health issues have been mis/under-diagnosed, and that I have been suffering from C-PTSD due to an abusive home environment, medical neglect and other traumatic events from life up til my early 20's. Many memories that were repressed (or things that I completely emotionally distanced myself from) have been coming back, and I have been dealing with flashbacks and intense panic attacks. Part of it ties into the physical problems I have been dealing with; my scoliosis was detected when I was a child, but nothing was done to help correct my spine and it progressed without me knowing about it, including other skeletal deformities developing because of it.
Unfortunately, I lost access to the therapist I had been working with due to my insurance changing in January, and have been trying to find mental healthcare through my new insurance. The wait times for care are absolutely horrendous in this area, but I'll keep pushing to get an official diagnosis for PTSD so that I can begin more accurate treatment as soon as I can. The good news is that I think that my mental health can improve significantly now that I understand myself a bit more, but I have a lot to catch up on.
I have also been dealing with an increase my chronic pain due to severe scoliosis, and have been trying to get new treatment established for that too. My previous insurance denied massage therapy for me, and physical therapy was 2+ hours away, so I went without it for the past couple years. I'm on a wait list for those things too, but I did manage to get an appointment with a pain specialist as well as a new X-ray and scoliosis survey. It turns out that it's more severe than I thought (my spine curves left with a Cobb angle of 81 degrees and then left at 62 degrees at another part of my spine. An angle of 45 degrees or more is considered severe). Additionally, I found out that I have degenerative spondylolysis (fractures in the vertebra) throughout my spine, which has probably been adding another layer to my pain. I'm still waiting for my doctors to review my new X-ray, so I'm not sure yet if they will recommend some new treatment options for me.
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I know it's heavy stuff, and it's hard to discuss publicly, but these things have been having a huge impact on my life and what I'm able to accomplish as an artist. I have been supporting myself and my spouse on my commissions and Patreon income since 2020, almost exclusively (aside from a few jobs/internships my spouse has done). My spouse is currently in college and working their ass off to finish their degree, and so we don't have a lot of flexibility right now. Because of the health issues I've been dealing with causing me to not be able to work as much, 2023 hit us hard financially. It is going to be critical that I keep up on my treatment plans for both my back issues and my mental health, which is definitely going to require more days off work during the coming year.
I've been planning to try some kind of a fundraiser to help fund some of my healthcare costs; specifically, I want to make a fan illustration book as an incentive to reach some fundraising goals (like at a $XX I'll make an NSFW version, at $XXX I'll make printed copies, etc). I just need to decide on some of the details and write up a description of my book idea. If you're interested in something like this, I'd love to hear it! I think having a project like this would help me out a lot, especially if I can raise enough money to take more time off commissions and instead focus on a single project.
I'm not stopping my commission work, though, just to be clear! I've been hard at work and have more art to post for you all. I really appreciate everyone being patient with me and want to keep improving as an artist despite the setbacks. ใโฝใ I'm excited to show you all some of the art I've been working on and the ideas I have for the future.
Thank you so much if you read all this! I'll update you all once I figure out the fanbook/fundraiser idea, but either way, hope you look forward to the art ๐๐
Comments
Joules
Hey, thanks for sharing! I know itโs not easy. If thereโs anything I can do to support you, Iโm happy to try. I love the idea of a Roarke art book or something. I want to see it happen; anything to get more of your art into the world.
Roarke
Thank you so much for your well wishes and comments ๐ฅบ It means a lot to me, especially right now. Thank you for being here to enjoy the art that I make!!
Roarke
Thank you! Please don't worry, you're fine; the way that client behaved was WAY out of bounds, but I just kept giving them too many chances. ๐
Brooke Austin
Iโm really sorry to hear about your back. I get mega depressed about spine issues probably 10% as bad as what youโre describing. Thatโs all to say that Iโm really impressed by your resolve and determination to keep working and supporting your spouse. If I could also just take this opportunity to say something that I think often: Iโm very, personally grateful to you and the relatively small handful of other artists whose work makes me really, truly feel proud of and grateful for the body I have. Seeing people like me depicted so positively and with love, compassion, consent, kindness, and enthusiastic attraction. Itโs amazing for my self esteem and I appreciate the dedication and (if I may say so) exceptional skill that you bring to your work. Thank you very, very much for what you do.
patch-of-shore (Damien)
Yo, because you replied to me, I thought you were saying I was saying, "look what you made me do" and was overall being cruel lmao
Brooke Austin
โLook what you made me doโ ๐ I think that kind of cruel response is just confirmation that it was a very good decision to distance yourself. Good on you, man. Is not easy to stay strong when that kind of card is played, but personally I think your decision was wise.
Froginata
Thank you for sharing... About the client you mentioned, I hope I haven't caused you any anxiety or felt similar to that. I know I've messaged you before and I REALLY never want to overstep my bounds..! Good luck in navigating the nightmare that is insurance... Ugh.....
patch-of-shore (Damien)
Take care of yourself! And that patron you blocked because they were harassing you? It's not your fault what they did or didn't do or have the urge to do. You drew a boundary for yourself and that's ok. Great even! I'm kinda sad at how much I can relate to some of this stuff just because, you know, it sucks and I don't want other people to go through it too, especially when they're people I think positively of. Seeing posts by you go up just about always raise my spirits. Again, take care of yourself and I look forward to more content from you! (and I really need to start saving so I can get a commission from you)
Dale
If you are not vegetarian, two friends of mine had good results from daily ingestion of gelatin. Massive amounts of gelatin have been shown to greatly help degenerative bone disorders. If the gelatin process is not to your liking, you can also get gelling bone broth powder, which is similar. Like, Sun, Cow, Grass bone broth powder. It's an interesting name ...
VV
sending positive energy your way roarke-papa ๐ฆ๐ do your best and take your time with your recovery ok? โค๏ธ๐โค๏ธ
Roarke
Thank you so much!! ๐
Roarke
Thank you Denby ๐ฅบ I appreciate you and your partner's support so much! I'm excited to post more about the fan book idea! (And I hope you blocked them especially if you think it might be the same person -- I know that I, personally struggle to say no to clients, especially if they're repeat customers, but I definitely have let people like the aforementioned client get away with it for too long x_x)
Roarke
Thank you so much Futo!!
Roarke
(my comment cut off!) ๐ I'm glad you like the fan book idea!
Roarke
Thank you Euphie <3 I'm glad you like the fan book idea!!
Roarke
Thank you for your kindness and support! It always means a lot to me!! ๐๐ฅบ
TheMineKnight
I'm very sorry to hear about your issues, both with the harassment and your health. I hope that, with things coming into view more clearly for you, things can improve. Whatever time you need, whenever you need it, take it :D As for the book, I am massively excited for that, and would absolutely love it.
twoheadedenby
So sorry to hear about everything you've been dealing with :( I'm pretty sure I've had some dealings with the same person and they're really not pleasant to deal with,, I hope having clarity on your health issues provides a better path forward and I would be extremely interested in some kind of fanbook + more than willing to help out with any future fundraisers !! Good luck !
Ms DOS
I am saddened to heer you delt with all these triggering and trying issues but look forward to your return to a good place and the fundraiser.
MementoFunesMori
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through all this. If you do end up doing a fundraiser or artbook, you can count me in on it.
Futomomomoe
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with all this stuff, it sounds really rough. :/ Hope you can get to a comfy place again! Wishing you both the best!
Epicpoptart
Take the time you need, we'll be here for you.
Euphie
I'm sorry to hear about how difficult things have been for you. I'll be keeping you and your spouse in my thoughts and hoping the best for you. I also think the fan book is a fun idea and would be interested in seeing it come to fruition!
LydiaRTuba
Oh gods, I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with all of that. The harassment is especially troubling, but I'm glad you've taken more time for yourself. You deserve it!!!
