FakeKing
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100 Catfighters 02
🕑 Added 2025-07-22 20:13:49 +0000 UTC"I… I might need one now." Those words involuntarily left my lips.
What had I broken just now!? How expensive would it be!? According to the laws of the guild, unless I could prove that what happened was an unfortunate accident that could not be prevented, I would have to reimburse whatever I had just broken.
It's true that the box had broken due to an accident of course, but I doubt telling them my story would be enough. And even if the guild believed me, they would probably just tell me a good adventurer wouldn't be spooked by a random woman coming to pinch their cheeks or whatever.
I… I am already living in boxes! Is my life really about to get even worse!?
The unknown woman took a few steps back, finally releasing me. "O-oh no! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that!" At least she knew this whole thing was her fault.
Even so, there was no way an apology would be enough, so I glared at her, ready to rant. "You…!" And then saw she looked quite guilty already. "It's fine. Forget about it." I couldn't muster enough anger to scream.
Grandma had always said that a man who makes a woman cry is not a man at all. Well, actually she used to say that a hero who makes a woman cry is no hero at all, but I'm adjusting the motto due to my lifestyle changes. She also only said that suspiciously after I got mad at her because she pranked me.
Ugh. Maybe I should start abandoning all of grandma's lessons.
The unknown woman shook her head. "None of that! Let me at least reimburse whatever I broke!" Geez, she looked like she was about to cry.
I was the one who had been inconvenienced here, you know!? "Like I said, it's fine. No need to pay me or anything." I winked at her. "I'm actually quite well off." I am not.
But if she looks like she's about to break down crying from just the thought of paying this, then I can't accept her help. I understand that I'm not the only one facing financial issues right now, and as someone who has stayed a few nights in a box, I don't want anybody to have to go through the same.
Well, I would be more insistent on her paying it if she didn't look like she felt awful about it.
She put a hand on her chest. "I'm well off too!" Oh, is that the case?
Then there was no need for me to deny her payment. "I see, then I'll accept your help." Welp, if she had cash, then there was no reason to deny this. Maybe my old self would be too prideful to take it, but fuck that guy.
But before that… "Let me just figure out what I broke first though."
"Hm?" She scrunched her eyebrows together, a look of suspicion was forming on her face. "What do you mean by that? Were you not told what the contents of the box were?" The unknown woman seemed kind of angered by that.
I nodded, and kneeled. "Yep, but it's not like I needed to know, I was just taking this to someone else as a quest." I opened the box. "Now let's see what it was— Wag!?" It was some kind of massive precious stone.
Welp, my life is ruined. Even if the girl has tons of Mora, I doubt she can just pay something like this out of nowhere. And naturally, I can't pay back for something like this, not even in a million years.
She leaned over, taking a look. "Just some Noctilucuous Jade huh? Yeah, paying for it should be no issue." It wasn't!? That's amazing! "Just let me get some of my Mora…" She began messing with a bag she was carrying.
And then she blushed. "Oops, I forgot to bring any. I was just about to head towards a case, so…" Her eyes widened. "Ah! I'm gonna be late for that!" Wait, what was going on here?
Oh, I finally put the pieces of the puzzle together. "Then head to it. Like I said before, I can pay for this." I understand what she was trying to do. She realized she couldn't pay for the Noctilucuous Jade once she took a good look at it, and then decided to come up with some excuse to run.
Ah… There went my hopes and dreams. But surely someone can't go lower than rock bottom? And hey, if I dig enough, I'm bound to end up on the other side of Teyvat!
She quickly shook her head. "No, no, no! I'm definitely going to pay you back, okay!? I'll even pay double… No, triple even!" She raised three fingers to demonstrate her point. "I just need to grab some Mora real fast, and about the case… I'll… I'll delay it by declaring a family emergency!"
Wow.
You know, I was already mad at her from the beginning, but somehow I was getting even madder. Mostly because at this point I felt like she wasn't just a desperate person, I felt like she was mocking me. Did I look like a country hick that could be tricked easily? Probably.
"Yeah, yeah, sure…" In the end, I just had to accept defeat and go with her words. It wasn't like I could do much about it. May the god of contracts protect me— Oh right, he's dead. Life was torture.
"Okay!" For some reason she was shouting. "Just wait for me! I'm gonna go as fast as possible! U-um, before I go though, can I ask your name? Mine is Yanfei…" Yanfei… I felt like I had heard that name before.
…Wait, now that depression had cleared away anger and made my mind clear, weren't those horns on her head? Was that an accessory? I felt like I was missing something important here…
Oh well, I just want to go and get scolded by Katheryne already, so I'll give her my name. "Sure…" You know… Would failure to pay back the jade throw me to jail?
Maybe jail would be a better place to live than a box!
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"And that's pretty much what happened." I finally finished telling Katheryne the nightmare I had just gone through. It goes without saying that as soon as Yanfei left, so did I.
I had no delusions she would actually come back with the promised money, so I ran back to Katheryne as fast as possible. Standing on one spot until night fell would not help me pay back the massive debt I now had. Though it sure would have felt nice.
"..." Katheryne fell silent for a moment. "You know, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but little villages like yours are super hard to keep track of. Like, are you even from Liyue?" No, actually.
I just came to Liyue because that was supposed to be the starting country, so to speak. "Nope, I come from—"
Katheryne cut me off. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that if you disappear right now, it's gonna be really hard to find you. And I mean, a Noctilucuous Jade of that size may seem like a big deal to you, but it really isn't for a rich person. They won't put in too much effort to make you pay."
I pouted. "Are you telling me to disappear?" I guess that was a solution.
A solution that would mean me going straight back to my village, after having wasted all the Mora the villagers gave me. And then, I would tell grandma how my adventure had gone, and she would mock me for the rest of my life. Basically, I had left as a zero, but instead of returning as a hero, I would return as a minus one.
She shook her head. "I'm not telling you to disappear, I am advising you to disappear." That was basically the same thing. "If you don't want to run away though… Well, you're pretty good looking for someone of your age." Ohya!?
Suddenly I felt like Katheryne was the woman for me. Like, this wasn't just infatuation, I think I should propose to her, and we should build a happy family together— Was I truly that weak!?
She put a hand on her chin. "I bet you could make some money with your looks by finding the right people… the right guys… If you know what I mean."
I want to give up on life. "I think I'll even take running away over that!" I know I have said I'm willing to do anything for money in the past, but… Well, I lied okay! I may not be a hero, but at least let me keep the purity of my butthole, damn it!
Katheryne crossed her arms. "Good, because the only reason I suggested such a thing is making you pick the first option in the first place." What a cruel woman, I don't want to marry her anymore. "But… I suppose I can admire your tenacity to be an adventurer no matter what, so you know what, I have another idea."
She hummed a bit. "We can maybe set up some crowd funding thing for you. You may not know this, but the fact that you're still taking daily quests even after… everything, has actually earned you some respect."
My eyes widened. "Do you actually think that would work?" It sounded way too good to be true, but if it is, I promise to defend the guild with my life against any and all foes!
She shrugged. "It's worth a try, especially due to what I said before. A Noctilucuous Jade really isn't a big deal for adventurers that aren't complete novices." Ouch. "If any big shot takes pity on a little hero like you, then your issue is gonna get solved in a flash."
I bowed my head as far as I could. "Then please do so, I'll be forever grateful."
She sighed. "And I might be forever regretful. Honestly, people at your age shouldn't go around collecting insane debts and living in boxes! At least get a Vision before you commit to being an adventurer! I'm sure you're gonna get one, with you acting like you do."
I chuckled. "Well, if I act like someone who is destined to get a Vision, then that's how I'm never gonna get one." Crazy words coming from someone who thought he was the hero of a prophecy until not too long ago.
And for someone who was begging for something interesting to happen a few hours ago. Considering immediately after I failed my delivery though, I just had to take that as a lesson. If I don't, maybe next time as punishment I'll be the one falling to the ground and breaking.
Katheryne frowned. "Yeah, sure. Whatever helps you not freak out. I have to say though… Yanfei is a pretty big name." Ah, I knew it sounded familiar for some reason! It must have belonged to a celebrity! "There was no way that was the real one though, probably just someone lying to you." Yep.
That's what I figured too. You don't give your real name to someone who you are trying to ditch—
"I'm here!" Wow, someone who sounded and looked exactly like the fake Yanfei showed up… Hah!? "Why did you not wait!? Did you run for me for some specific reason!? Do I smell!? Do I look like too much of a know it all!? I'm sorry, I can change!"
"..." I did not know what to say.
Katheryne, though, looked like she had seen the impossible. "You're actually Yanfei!? He didn't stumble into a shameless person who would let a teenager handle an insane debt!?"
"H-hm…?" Poor Yanfei definitely didn't expect that.
Their short interaction was enough for me to recompose myself though, and there was only one thing I could say. "Ms. Yanfei, I don't think you smell! Or that you are a know it all! In fact, I think you're amazing!" The fact that she had come searching for me said it all.
I was in good hands!
"I-I'm amazing!?" She nodded to herself. "I'm amazing…!" She seemed pretty happy by my compliment. "But if I'm amazing, why didn't you wait for me?"
I looked away. "Sorry, it's just that I thought you were trying to ditch me to not pay up the jade. I shouldn't have known better." In the end I ran into the nicest person possible to suffer an accident with!
That definitely didn't sound right…
"O-oh, I guess I can't blame you for that." She frowned. "But why did you even let me go if that was the case? You should have grabbed me by the shoulder and dragged me into the guild you know!?" Why did she sound mad!?
It ended up making me feel a bit nervous. "I… um… I guess I thought you weren't someone with a lot of money, since you seemed kind of scared, so I didn't want to force you through paying a big debt just 'cause of an accident." Well, I said accident, but…
I still didn't know why she suddenly decided to pinch my cheeks and talk about me needing a lawyer. At the time I thought she must have been desperate for money, but if Yanfei was actually some super big deal, what did she want with acting so weird?
"Hmg…!" Yanfei suddenly looked like she was about to pass out, but she quickly went back to being angry. "That is a very kind attitude, but even if you are very wealthy, the law should be respected and followed—
Katheryne tilted her head. "Wealthy?" Oh no. "This kid over here can barely afford food for each day. If he's wealthy, then I'm secretly Rex Lapis." This was going to be so embarrassing…
Being caught on a lie was always embarrassing, but considering Yanfei was some big shot in Liyue I felt even worse—
"That's enough!" Yanfei made the face of a demon. "So you're telling the guild was dragging my poor sweetheart through this mess while he can barely support himself!?" Sweetheart? "I'm suing the guild back into the Archon War! Mark my damn words!"
"..." Speaking of words, both Katheryne and I were speechless. Where did this come from!?
Katheryne was the first to recover, probably because she was used to hearing insane things like that. "Sorry, but on what exactly are you suing the Adventurers' Guild, Miss Yanfei?" Wow, she seemed super serious.
Yanfei must have been such a big deal that her crazy words were being taken seriously.
The lawyer cleared her throat. "It's simple, I'm suing you all for malpractice or something." Or something was not something you wanted to hear from a lawyer! "I mean, sweetheart did not even know what was inside the box, so how was he supposed to know it was a fragile object? Illegal! I declare this whole operation illegal, and evil, and scummy, and immoral, and—"
Katheryne's jaw had hit the floor at this point. "Miss Yanfei, the guild may choose to not inform its adventurers of the content inside the packages they are carrying. Perhaps you disagree with such a policy, but it is how the guild has always worked, and I'm sure you of all people know that."
I interjected. "Who exactly is Yanfei anyways? I know she's clearly important, but…"
Katheryne quickly explained. "She's half-Adepti." That explained the horns—! Why was an adepti calling me sweetheart!? "But what matters right now is that she is most likely Liyue's most famous and accomplished legal advisor." So she was someone you didn't want to get sued by.
Yanfei pointed at her. "Yes! And I swear on my honor, and on Rex Lapis' name, that I will not stop until this corrupt organization is brought to its knees! I will find some law you guys are breaking! I promise!" Why though!?
I… I think she was doing this for me, but I really didn't understand.
The Adepti… I didn't know much about them, but they weren't human. Maybe that's why I couldn't understand why she was doing this? It was possible that our lines of thought were simply fundamentally different. Maybe that difference is where the sweetheart thing had come from too…
Still, I had to do something. "Um, Miss Yanfei… I appreciate that you're trying to defend me here, but… There's no need to sue anyone here, okay? I mean, the only reason why I was even able to take a quest like that was because Katheryne was doing me a solid. She's a precious friend, so please take it easy on her."
"..." Yanfei narrowed her eyes. "Okay… It's true that I'm getting emotional here, and I never handle things like this well when I'm emotional. So I'll drop this issue for now." For now? Well, that was better than nothing.
So I showed her a bright smile as thanks. "Good! I mean, I can't hire a lawyer, how would I even pay you?" She was probably super expensive. "Not to mention how I can't read. Signing some contract to hire you would be pretty hard!" I laughed a little bit at the end.
And so did Yanfei.
And then that laughter stopped abruptly. "Sweetheart, you cannot read? How is it that you even know what to do in a quest then?" She was smiling, but something about it…
There was a saying all lawyers were devils, but no devil could look this scary. "I-I ask Katheryne to read the pamphlets and stuff for me." First I had to admit I lied about being rich, and now I was forced into admitting I couldn't read. This was the worst.
Why was fire beginning to form around Yanfei? "Forget the law, it's useless. So I'll just burn the guild to the ground right here and now…" Why did I feel like she had just broken as a person?
Wait, forget about that! "Please don't burn anything down, Miss Yanfei!" This was becoming way too dangerous! "At this point you're causing more trouble than any quest!"
The fire immediately stopped. "I… I…" And then she covered her face with her palms. "I'm so, so sorry! It's just that… It's just that… Can we please talk in private!?"
"S-sure. T-that's fine with me." I am not a prophesied hero.
But right now I have the chance to be a normal hero. One who stops a big fire incident! Which is why I have no option but to accept.
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"First of all, I am horribly sorry for my manner of conduct!" Yanfei bowed. "I would very much understand if you decided to send me away and never talk with me again!"
"..." Why do I have a feeling that would end up with me being charred to bits?
"B-but please don't!"
I forced a smile on my face. "Don't worry, I won't. I get that you're on my side here, and I really, really appreciate that." For real. It was great to have someone who wanted to help me so much, but… "It's just that I don't understand why you seem so… passionate. And there's also the sweetheart thing…"
Her actions were coming out of nowhere. So out of nowhere that even I, who would definitely be caught by a fisherman and live a short life if I were a fish, was worried. This wasn't normal behavior right?
Did I accidentally pull off some masterful Liyue mating ritual!? Perhaps I am a prophesied hero after all! Yeah, right.
"I'm passionate because… because…" She was so red that she was sweating. Or maybe it was the fire powers, I don't know. "I love you."
Okay, I'm sold. I'm getting married to this girl. "I love you too, Miss Yanfei." A rich girl suddenly coming into my life and telling me she loved me? There was no way I wouldn't immediately fall for her!
I now forever give my heart to Yanfei of Liyue!
She sputtered. "Don't tease me right now, please." I wasn't teasing though. "I'm serious here, I think you're my soulmate…" I'm certain we are soulmates! "And I know you don't really understand what that means, but basically, it means we are super compatible, and because of that I ended up falling in love at first glance… Like a fairytale."
Well, I fell in love at the first I love you. Like a loser.
Yanfei was avoiding looking at me with everything that she had. "It's… it's hard to explain, but I know someone who can, and that person can also confirm whether we are soulmates or not. S-so can you please follow me? If you do not mind? Before we go I'll pay for the jade of course! And even if you don't want to go I'll do it!"
"..." This… this was so amazing that I was beginning to wonder if maybe I wasn't a chosen hero after all. Could it be that grandma had been telling the truth? No way, right?
Yanfei took my silence as hesitation however, not me just being awestruck at this beautiful world. "I… I understand why you're scared, with me being who I am and all that, but please take this as proof that I am sincere!" She took my hand and led it to one of her breasts. "Can you feel how my heart beats for you…?"
…I want to beat something else right now.
Grandma, as it turns out I'm a legendary prophesied hero after all, because no normal guy would go through this beautiful experience. I promise to never let THEIR shadow consume this world. I'll protect it with all I have, because I know of its beauty. Touching a boob is nice.
"Miss Yanfei, I'll definitely follow you." To the ends of Teyvat if need be.
"Thank you!"
