FakeKing
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100 Catfighters 07
🕑 Added 2025-07-22 20:23:02 +0000 UTC"Soulmates huh… Sounds freaky." It was.
But it was a good type of freaky. "So… um… do you believe us, Hu Tao?" I really hoped she did.
Zhongli, Ganyu, and I had just explained to her what a Soulmate was, and that we were now bonded. However, there was always the chance that she called us a liar and a bunch of creeps and then stormed off. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case though.
Hu Tao put a hand on her chest. "Do I believe in you…? It feels like there's a flame in my heart, one that I have never felt before, and whenever I think of you, thousands of possibilities appear in my mind. Thoughts of stuff like marriage and children. So I'm undeniably in love. And well, I'd rather believe in love at first sight than me being magically roofied or something."
She winked at me. "Weird stuff is expected from this world, so sure, I'm your Soulmate. I'm all yours, Bunbun— Woah, do the cute nicknames come instinctually or what?"
A scowling Ganyu nodded. "They do." Now that I think about it, nobody called me by my name. "Anyhow, do not believe that just because you're my lover's Soulmate, that you think you can just waltz in onto our lives."
Zhongli interjected. "Ganyu, have you forgotten about our discussion? Such denial shall only bring misery." He leaned back on his chair. "Though I must admit that three is an insane number. I suppose this is why one must always keep in mind that the word unlikely has never meant impossible."
Ganyu whimpered. "I know that, and… Well, I can't stop her. It's like you said, but…" She frowned. "I won't let someone who showed up so late have free reign. Now that there is a third, she will need to work on a schedule!"
I sent a look of despair towards Ganyu. "A schedule? What am I, a kid stuck between a divorce? Can I only see her on weekends?" This felt wrong, I just didn't like it.
I know that once something like this starts getting this big, concrete rules should be established. I understand that, but…! It just felt wrong. Putting these kinds of restrictions on things. I never wanted any of the people who loved me to feel like interacting with me was the same as going to the doctor at a specific time or whatever.
It didn't surprise me much that Ganyu was trying to establish something like this though. Taking her personality into account, I should have probably expected it out of her even. Though in my defense, I hadn't expected my Soulmate count to grow to three.
Ganyu flinched. "It's not that of course, but…"
Hu Tao interjected. "But don't worry about schedules and stuff, especially since I don't plan on joining this little party. No offense."
My eyes widened. "But you said you believed in the Soulmate stuff!" Had she been scared off by Ganyu!? That was the worst possible outcome!
She nodded. "I do, like I said, there's no denying what I'm feeling, but…" She looked down. "This is an important matter, so I'm taking it seriously. I would like some time for myself, so I can understand whether these feelings are fleeting or not." She paused for a moment. "And hey, I'm sure you don't want to spend time with some woman who you don't even love yet, and who looks like your grandma, right?"
I pouted. "I do love you." Yanfei was the best, which meant Ganyu was the best. That theory of mine had been proven, and so naturally Hu Tao was the best too. "I can't deny that you do look weird though." Surely it was okay as long as I was hitting from the back!?
Hu Tao sputtered. "Geez, you weren't supposed to agree with the grandma thing!" Ah, I missed an opportunity. "It's like you kissed me and then slapped me—"
Ganyu cut her off. "So let us make something clear. You want some time for yourself? You won't mess with our love life?" She sounded hopeful. I guess this was the best outcome she could hope for.
"Yeah…" Hu Tao grinned. "Though I'm definitely gonna visit you guys occasionally. I'm a hard worker though, so I never have much freetime."
Zhongli chuckled. "If nothing else, one can never deny how seriously you take this job, Director." He crossed his arms. "And I must say, I do approve of this decision. These… romantic comedy has just faced a great trial, so perhaps it's better to wait a bit of time before adding another element to it." My hero had betrayed me!
I know a guy begging for a third girl was way too much, but surely Hu Tao wouldn't be happy like this!? "But Hu Tao already loves me, so maybe she should just come with Ganyu and I…"
Zhongli shook his head. "No need to rush, this will reach its natural conclusion sooner or later. And besides, make sure to never forget that the Director has her own life, she needs not to uproot it even if she has fallen in love. This also applies to your other Soulmates, of course." This guy was lecturing.
And he was totally right. So I could only bow. "You're right, sorry to be a bother." I've been getting a bit too entitled.
Yanfei and Ganyu had gone to great lengths to keep me happy, and instead of appreciating their actions I was beginning to act as if such a thing was to be expected. Hu Tao wanted some time? She could have it. Even if she decided to never speak to me again, that was her decision to make—
"Well, I think bother is a bit too much!" Hu Tao raised a trembling hand. "You're not a bother at all, Bunbun!" Right… if she said so…
Ganyu narrowed her eyes. "..." And let out what could only be described as a weird growl. Hu Tao had never even accused me of being a bother, that was a thing I myself said, and yet Ganyu had definitely put all the blame on her.
I had to remember one thing… As the Prophesied Hero, my smile was important. What kind of masked hero showed a frown?
And so I smiled. "Well, forget about all this stuff. I'm sure there's one more thing everyone wants to talk about, right?" It was time to address the Prophesied Hero allegations!
Which didn't exist. But soon they would exist. After all, this was the second time I had shouted about my status after meeting a new Soulmate. And while the chaos of the last time may have made Ganyu forget about it, surely this time it would be different.
"Hm?" Ganyu took a moment to think, and then realization hit her eyes. "Oh right, we should warn Hu Tao about our trip." She made the wrong realization!
Hu Tao raised an eyebrow. "Are you guys going on a trip?" She suddenly sounded really nervous.
"Yes. We are all going on a trip to Inazuma, so that we can get to know each other better." Ganyu giggled. "And so that we can avoid some troublesome Adepti too. Well, none of this concerns you too much, but now that you know, you can avoid visiting an empty house."
"Right…" Hu Tao was sweating.
Zhongli snorted. "Am I right that this troublesome Adepti happens to be a certain busy body bird? Because if so, do keep in mind that running away will not work forever. In fact, I would not be surprised if she followed you all the way to Inazuma."
Ganyu shivered in horror. "Don't even say that… Wait, you really do know everything, don't you Mister Zhongli?" Yeah. How did the guy even know Ganyu's mom was that type?
He looked away. "I just happen to know a bit of trivia. That is all." How did this count as trivia?
Hu Tao waved him off. "Forget about him being a weirdo who is totally an Adepti!" She was just gonna say it huh? "I need to know, when is this trip starting? How long is it gonna last? Tell me!" What I need to know is why I was being ignored.
I'm the Prophesied Hero guys… Sure you all want to know what that is, hahaha…? Right?
Ganyu tilted her head. "Sure…? If everything goes to plan, we will be catching a trip with Beidou of the Crux tomorrow. I've yet to ask her to take us, but I'm sure she won't mind. As for how long we are going to stay…"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I've recently quit my job. Yanfei is a Legal Advisor, so she can just choose to not pick a client for a while. And my Destined One is an adventurer. That, combined with the fact that Yanfei and I are rather financially wealthy, means we can enjoy ourselves until we get bored."
Ganyu continued. "And who knows! Maybe after leaving Inazuma, instead of going straight back to Liyue, we could explore another nation!" She sent me a smile. "Doesn't that sound wonderful, my destined one?"
I nod. "That is a great idea!" Maybe then I will actually start feeling like an adventurer. "The world is a big place, so we should explore it all—!"
"Noooo…!" Hu Tao let out a screech, and then…! "You can't just leave me like that!" And then she jumped on me. It kind of resembled a hunting spider in a way.
I was on top of a chair, so it was only natural that I fell. Hu Tao was small and didn't weigh much, but at the speed she launched herself, there wasn't much I could do but brace myself. Luckily, as the chair fell, I didn't hit my head on the ground.
The next to screech was Ganyu, though for a much different reason. "W-what are you doing!? Are you okay, my destined one!?" Even Zhongli had gotten up from his chair, looking worried out of his mind.
"I'm fine…" This didn't hurt nearly as much as that time I barely survived a catfight between two Adepti. "But are you okay, Hu Tao?"
She shook her head, still on top of me. "Of course not…!" And then she picked me up by the scruff and began shaking me. "What are you thinking!? You just entered my life, and now you're gonna leave it!? That's messed up! I won't forgive it even coming from a kid!"
"But… you said you wanted some time, so…" So this shouldn't matter, right!?
"Yeah, but I was lying!" Huh? "Didn't I say I was going to visit occasionally? It was all part of my master plan! I bet those two Soulmates of yours are gonna start fighting eventually, no woman can just share a guy with no issues!" They started sharing because they were fighting though… "And then there was going to be me! Your cool Soulmate, being calm and mature! You were going to slowly realize that, and pick me!"
She continued. "And also, I bet those two are all super stuffy, being Adepti and all. Meanwhile, I could be the one who lends you money, and maybe kisses you here and there! My plan was perfect, if one ignored the imperfections! And now this vacation ruined it!" Wow.
But Yanfei and Ganyu have already helped me plenty with money, and they have done a lot more than just kissing…
Zhongli pinched his nose. "Director… Ugh…" He was at a loss for words.
Ganyu wasn't though. "Well, your dumb plan is ruined, now get off him!" She picked Hu Tao up by the waist and casually lifted her. She really didn't weigh much at all.
That sounded fun.
"Hey, let me go!" Hu Tao complained. And Ganyu immediately let her go, as if she had been holding a cockroach and was disgusted by it.
Meanwhile, I got up and dusted myself. Despite the damage I just took, I was actually quite happy. I hadn't expected that talking about the vacation would help Hu Tao show her true feelings. I have to say though, I'm still waiting for them to bring up the Prophesied Hero part.
I mean, it would be kind of embarrassing if I had to bring it up…!
Zhongli had finally managed to muster up words. "Director, there is no need to come up with schemes and the like. Your love is being reciprocated, no?" Yeah, I had been totally into her since the beginning.
"He said I look like his granny. I need schemes." I'm sorry… but it's true! "And that aside, I'm not gonna follow a schedule or whatever just because I came in third, that isn't fair at all." She puffed up her chest. "So I'm gonna cheat as much as I need, and abuse every advantage I can get."
She turned around to face me, and then… began cupping her breasts? They weren't big at all, but I knew dreams were contained in them nonetheless. "You want to touch these, don'cha? I've led enough teenage ghosts to the afterlife to know you all have the same regret." What was that supposed to mean!? "So choose me and you can give these a good grope!"
I do, but my mind went somewhere completely different. "You let ghosts touch your breasts before."
"Of course not!" Oh. "Those little pervs got an exorcism and that's all! Y-you can be a little perv though, it's okay if it's you." She groped her boobs with a bit more force. "So, once again I ask thee, wanna touch my boobs?" Yes.
"Director, you should not be saying such things!" Seriously, Zhongli was quickly shifting from my hero into my nemesis. "Watch yourself!"
Ganyu nodded, cutely shaking her fists in anger. "Yes, you're the only perv here." How did she say that with no shame on her face?
And no, I wasn't accusing her of being a pervert. I am firmly referring to myself. Something which she should know about, considering that the amount of cum I fired at her yesterday could probably qualify me for a spot as the Cum Archon.
Hu Tao pouted. "Shut it you fat goat! Don't think I won't pick a fight with you!" She glared at my second Soulmate. "This concerns the Wangshu Funeral Parlor, so for it I'm even willing to fight an Adepti!"
Ganyu immediately went from angry, to almost crying. "F-fat?" She really was sensitive about that, wasn't she?
I had to step-in though. "Ganyu, don't worry! You're fat in all the right spots!" To be honest, if Liyue considered her to be fat, then there was something wrong with this nation. Something very wrong.
"There's no right spots to be fat!" Oh, how could such a beautiful creature be so wrong? "Why can't I slim up no matter what I eat!? It isn't fair!"
There could only be one reason for it. "A blessing from THEM, no doubt."
Zhongli narrowed his eyes while looking at us. "..." He was at a loss for words again! And then, he mechanically shifted towards Hu Tao. "Wait, how does this concern the Wangshu Funeral Parlor, Director?"
Hu Tao shrugged. "Ain't it obvious? I'm not growing any younger, I have to make a new director eventually."
"..." Zhongli was slowly forgetting how to speak.
Ganyu still knew her words though. "See!? You're definitely a perv! And I'm not letting you corrupt my destined one!" With words like these, I might join the Zhongli club and forget how to speak too.
Hu Tao huffed. "Be for real. You think his mind isn't constantly on your big boobs? It's normal for his age." She sent me a fake kiss. "Forget about this prude. Only think about your big sis. Boobs." I don't want to hear any family related things from her!
Ganyu gritted her teeth. "I-I am not a prude!" True. Definitely true. "And don't just say the word boobs as if it means anything!" It did, though.
That aside, I needed to stop this catfight before it escalated even more. I knew what would happen if I didn't. That scene from yesterday, the one where Yanfei and Ganyu almost destroyed a poor diner, would repeat itself.
Which is why I grabbed one of Ganyu's hands, and one of Hu Tao's hands. "There's no need to fight, okay!? You're both amazing women who I love!" I'm glad Yanfei isn't here though! I love her too, but I do not have three hands!
Ganyu sputtered. "That makes me truly happy to hear, my destined one, but if we don't bring some sort of order to our arrangement, everything will be ruined! And this woman is clearly against that— Mmmphh!?" I pulled her in for a kiss.
The truth is that she was right, logically speaking. Though I'm pretty sure her ideas of a schedule wouldn't favor Hu Tao, at least the base concept was a good idea. However, I just didn't like it. I didn't like it all. My heart was against it. And since I couldn't argue against it, the only thing I could do was kiss her.
As I pulled back, Ganyu began breathing heavily. "My destined one…" Now she could only say my name. Kissing people and saying nothing else worked, apparently.
"H-hey!" Hu Tao growled. "I was going to steal your first kiss! I don't want to see this!" My first kiss? In what universe? "This damned goat woman— Mmmmph!?" Naturally, I kissed Hu Tao too.
It was way different from kissing Yanfei and Ganyu. It was a whole new wondrous flavor, one that only this woman could provide. And maybe my grandma too—
I ended the kiss immediately. Ew. Sorry.
Hu Tao was panting. "Wow…" I think that is a good sign. I've only been able to practice kissing yesterday, but I think I've become at least decent at it!
And now it was time to pounce. "Ganyu, I understand that you just want to help me, but I don't want to turn what we have into something so mechanical, like some tool from Fontaine! Instead, let's face each day as they come! Together, hand by hand! Even if it will be more difficult, I want to face that challenge by your side!"
And now for the next target. "And Hu Tao, there's no need for schemes! I'm going to love you no matter what! Even if you look like my grandma—!" I still didn't like this though! "So there's no need to hide! Please go on that trip with us…! You can even come live with us if you want! Follow your heart from beginning to end!"
There, I said what I wanted to say—
"Was the kissing really necessary?" Oh right, Zhongli was here. "I suppose it's no big deal if it only remains at that. And assertiveness is good for your position, but do keep in mind that—"
I immediately jumped back, releasing the hands of my Soulmates. "Gahhhh!" Zhongli was here! I had just done that in front of some dude! Why!? Why!? Now I'm feeling just as embarrassed as yesterday!
"...Perhaps I should have kept quiet. My apologies." Now it was too late! Besides, him keeping quiet or not wouldn't have changed that he had just watched that!
Kill me! Kill me now!
Ganyu giggled, and cupped her cheek in embarrassment. "Hah… I guess my destined one is right." She listened to me! This was embarrassing, but it was an embarrassing win! "Since it's just four people for now, perhaps making it up as we go along is fine." Hopefully she would keep that attitude all the way to a hundred!
And as for Hu Tao, she rushed at me, and put her head on my chest. "Oh, you dashing little Millelith trap! I can't resist you! I'll go on a vacation with you! And I'll live with you too! I would say until death do us apart, but not even that will be enough!" A total victory!
Ganyu put her hands on her hips. "H-hey, just because I've accepted my destined one's request, don't think you can just do whatever you want, okay? We will all need to cooperate if this is to work. Especially since we are all staying at Yanfei's house…"
Zhongli raised a hand. "And Director, what do you mean you are going on this trip? That is tomorrow, so…"
Hu Tao just started to rub her head against me letting out a cute purr. And then addressed Ganyu "Eh, whatever goat woman. I'm gonna follow my own rules, whether I'm liked or not, I'm gonna keep coming back like a vengeful ghost. But sure, I'll at least try being nice for my Bunbun."
Ganyu sighed. "Ah… I suppose that is the best I can hope for." My poor second Soulmate put a hand on her forehead, clearly a headache had come.
Zhongli cleared his throat. "That is very nice to hear of course, but Director, may you answer my question? I—"
Hu Tao took her head from my chest to look at him. "Yeah, I'm going on vacation. A surprise vacation! I'm sure there's plenty of spiritual things to be learned in Inazuma too, so this is also a training trip. So that's a tax write off. Anyways, take care of the parlor while I'm gone!"
"But…" Poor Zhongli. I came here to give him something, and ended up causing more trouble… I won't apologize though.
Hu Tao jumped back. "No buts! You're the only one I trust with this!" She then smiled at me. "Anyways, please wait a little bit! I live here, so I'm just gonna grab some stuff, and then follow you around for the day! Especially since I've always wanted to meet Captain Beidou."
"Sure, we'll wait." I can't believe this worked out so well. Though I still needed to talk with Yanfei about this of course, I can't imagine her being too happy. Still, I'm sure it will work out.
I do feel bad for Zhongli though.
Comments
Iori Daemona Angel
Wow, that guy is a corny bastard.
Sherbert
This is… certainly going to be interesting. I’m very excited XD
