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Adventure Awaits! Huzzah! 21
🕑 Added 2025-04-16 17:38:03 +0000 UTC"You have got to be the biggest fucking idiot in all of Valentia!" Before he knew it, Himmel found himself shouting.
It almost felt good, not having to hide as he lost his composure. At the same time, it made him feel like a piece of garbage. Who was he to scream at Celica? He had taken her father away, and lacked the guts to even tell her about it.
Celica scowled and fired right back. "And you have to be the most stubborn man in all of Valentia!" She huffed. "Which is why, after much thought, I decided to come and protect you."
"Who's thoughts!? Did you ask for advice from random street animals!?" He pinched his nose. "Actually, they might have given better advice tham whatever your own dumbass brain told you!"
"L-Lord Himmel!" Right, Julia was watching them, and probably wondering where all of this was hostility was coming from.
Himmel himself didn't know. He felt guilt towards Celica, not anger. Maybe those insults of his were more aimed at him than the poor hidden princess.
At this point however, Celica clearly showed she had the guts to keep up with whatever insult he threw her way. "The one who gave me the advice to come here was actually my guardian, thank you very much."
She put a hand on her chest, and took a deep breath. "Due to... you know... I couldn't just disappear, so before I did anything, I came to him. He told me to not ignore Mila's warnings. So I'm here, and I'm staying."
Himmel scoffed. "Your guardian has shit for brains, clearly. I'm going to the capital and asking him to reverse course right now." They weren't too far from Novis right now.
Celica poked his chest. "Do not act like I'm a child who ran away from home! I am a trained priestess! A trained mage! And a trained swordswoman!"
Himmel pointed at his head. "Clearly all the time you wasted on those should have gone towards practicing common sense."
"You are the one lacking common sense right now!" He knew that. He knew that and yet...! "Do you think you can just shackle me to Novis for whatever reason—!?"
"Lord Himmel, Lady Celica, please stop for a moment!" Julia had grabbed both of their hands, trying to stop a fight before it happened.
That wasn't all though. She was also trying to send their attention towards a new arrival. The Captain had shown up. A good opportunity.
He also seemed flabbergasted. "Woah, never seen ya so angry, Mister Mage... The hell is going on here?"
Himmel clicked his tongue. "Some idiot decided to be a stowaway." And they couldn't even throw this one into the ocean.
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"I see... I see..." He put a hand on his chin, lost in thought. "Well, the less can go with us."
"Hah!" Celica immediately took his words as a sign of victory.
"Why though!?" Himmel wasn't one to give up easily however. "We have to turn this ship back right now! Before we get too far away from Novis." They could still return.
The Captain sighed. "That would be a lot of work. I've already got this whole voyage planned, I'm not gonna change it because of some crazy lass. Besides... Having a skilled healer on the ship would be—" He suddenly stopped himself, and changed his words. "Not that ya ain't skilled, but—"
"I get it." Himmel let out a frustrated groan.
He couldn't blame the Captain for this. The man didn't know the context of what was happening around him, nor did he know Celica was a princess abandoning her nation because of some dumbass prophecy.
The Captai raised an eyebrow. "Why are you so heated against the lass anyways, Mister Mage? She's your past sweetheart or something?" Kind of.
Celica frowned. "With that attitude of his there won't be anything sweet between any of us very soon." She glared at Himmel. "Seriously, why are you so against me being here? It's not like—"
"I'm going for a walk." He cut her off. "Keep Julia safe and tell everyone else you're here. I'll be back later." He needed some time alone. Some time to process this.
"But— He didn't bother listening to her.
Instead, he practically shoved her out of the way and kept walking.
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As one would expect, finding a place to be alone wasn't easy. Especially during daytime. He sadly couldn't go bitch about his situation to the ocean without being seen this time.
So he returned to his room.
Immediately he fell onto the bad, it almost felt as if he was going to pass out. "What the hell am I doing?" He couldn't remember the last time he had lost his temper that badly.
Even back in his first life, he was usually praised as someone who was fairly calm most of the time. Not to say he didn't have moments where he snapped of course, but they were usually short lived.
And example was... was... when he killed the king. He let his rage out, and then quickly shifted gears.
This time however, he still... still felt angry. A feeling that kept bubbling to the surface no matter how much he tried stomping it out. And that anger wasn't directed at Celica, it was directed at him. At Himmel. At Seliph.
He began trying to call himself down. "Now what...?" The Captain wasn't going to bring Celica to Novis.
The princess of Zofia would follow them, Himmel all across Archanea, and then to Jugdral. He would have to look at Celica's face and lie throughout that entire journey.
Just the thought of it made him want to throw up.
Before he knew it, that thought almost turned into reality, and Himmel found himself gagging, barely being able to hold it in.
Once again, he tried calming himself down. "I guess if she's going to tag along, my attitude towards her hasn't been too bad." It would make the blow sting a lot less when she inevitably foujd out the truth.
Himmel gritted his teeth. "No, what kind of immature idea is that?" He was an adult, not a anime edgelord.
Alienating Celica wouldn't do anything for the girl, it would just make him feel better about not having to confront her. Considering he was already the one who started all this mess, he just didn't have the right to do that.
Which meant... there was only one road ahead of him. "I have to apologize to Celica." Yes, he would put on a smile and apologize. Then he would keep that smile on his face until their journey was over.
Once again, he found himself gagging.
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"Hey!" Himmel cheerfully waved at his friends.
Apparently they had decided that the best place for all of them to meet up was on Deirdre's room. As usual, the fact that the princess and the empress constantly needed bodyguards was a bit troublesome.
Though Himmel also wouldn't be surprised if it just so happened that Celica wanted to do a second check on Deirdre. Now that they had a more experienced medic on board, her recuperation would probably go a lot smoother.
To nobody's surprise, Himmel's cheer wasn't appreciated.
"Hey..." Instead, Alm awkwardly waved at him. Only Alm.
Even precious little Faye seemed to not know what to say, which definitely wasn't a good sign for the cotinued survival of his heart. However, this all also meant Celica had told them about his previous behavior.
Either that, or Julia did. In the end, it didn't matter much, nor did it make Himmel particularly worried. In fact, he had been kind of expecting this to happen.
He bowed. "Welp, I'm just gonna come out with it and say it. I'm sorry for how I've been treating you, Celica." Hopefully that would be enough. He didn't really have the strength to keep talking with her.
He just knew that if he tried, they would either go back to arguing, or he would say something that he shouldn't. Something that would ruin everything.
Celica squinted her eyes. "You... are sorry...?" It was like she was hearing something she didn't even believe in.
Yikes, had he acted with such levels of doucheness that she couldn't even believe his apology? He couldn't believe he had sunk that low. Though then again, that seemed to be hhis thing lately.
He nodded. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I... haven't been handling the ocean well, and I took my frustration on you. That wasn't right of me."
"..." Celica took a deep breath. "Come with me, Himmel. We need to talk."
Before he could even respond, she grabbed him by the hand and walked out of the room. Himmel didn't resist, but he did began worrying just what she wanted to talk about as they got further and further away from the room. Clearly Celica wanted some real privacy. Who knows, maybe she wanted to stab him?
"So..." Himmel avoided her gaze. "Do you want to punch me or something? Because I'm willing to take one, I guess." It might set his brain straight, actually.
Celica sighed. "What do I look like to you, some insane barbarian?" She paused for a moment. "I'm not angry at you... anymore, at least." She raised a finger a scolding him. "But I was furious a moment ago, trust me!"
Apparently not furious enough to not forgive him. Although Himmel supposed holding grudges wasn't a wise thing to do when you were stuck in a ship. She would inevitably stumble onto him everyday after all.
"Once again, I'm sorry for how I acted—"
"But right now, what I want to hear isn't an apology, since I already forgave you. It's an explanation of why you did it." What kind of twisted logic is that?
Himmel scratched his cheek. "I've already told you, this trip has been taking a toll on me. I get sea sick all the time, so I become cranky." That wasn't... a total lie. He just ommited a lot of truth from it.
"If that has truly been happening, then I understand your anger... somewhat." Suddenly, she grabbed his cheeks. "Or that is what I would say were you anyone else. The Himmel I knew would not lose himself to spite so easily."
It felt almost flattering to think she thought so highly of the old him. "The Himmel you knew was a different person. Hormones and all that messed with his brain—" She pulled his cheeks. "Ouch?"
Celica pouted. "You're lying to me."
"I'm not." He was.
"I won't deny that you have changed... probably." She released him, a blusn forming on her cheeks. "And I won't deny that due to our past... experiences, I'm biased when it comes to you, but I can tell when someone is lying." Their past experiences?
Celica talked as if they had actually been a couple. It was kind of cute, and scary at the same time. The amount of influence he had over her... And yet he had killed her father and thrown her kingdom into chaos.
She continued. "I've talked with the others while you were away, you know? And they told me about what has been happening. About how you have been closing yourself off." Clair...
"You look weak Himmel. You're pale, you clearly haven't been sleeping or eating well. It almost makes me believe you do have some sickness, but that isn't it, is it? Please tell me what's wrong. I can't help you without knowing that."
Himmel chuckled, and tried deflecting. "You can help me by avoiding any dragons we encounter. I seriously doubt you can change much when it comes to that creepy prophecy."
Celica narrowed her eyes. "The prophecy isn't what's been bothering. You only recently learned of it, after all. According to our friends, this has been going on for a long time."
His friends were fucking stupid. Why did they tell Celica about this whole mess!? Were they trying to ruin everything!?
Himmel clicked his tongue. "They're worrying over nothing. Just drop this whole thing, Celica."
"I won't drop anything." She crossed her arms. "Nor will I let you drop anything. We are going to talk about this, right here, right now." She really could be as stubborn as Alm when she wanted to.
But that wasn't a problem. "There's nothing to talk about, so..." He needed to leave, and now. "So let's just forget about this whole thing. The others might be getting worried." He needed to end this before he got angry.
He knew from the start that the only two results from this conversation if it dragged too much would be him getting angry at her once again, or him saying secrets that he shouldn't reveal.
"The others?" Celica tilted her head. "Everybody seems just fine, you're the problem here." And if he had his way, he would keep things that way.
Still, he couldn't help, but scoff. "I'm the problem?"
Celica looked away, regretting her words. "I didn't mean it like that. Sorry." She backpalled with no hesitation. It made him feel like the brat here. "But I know that you know what I meant, don't act like you didn't understand me."
Himmel grinned. "I understand what you meant perfectly, trust me." He pointed at himself. "It's bothering you, isn't it? That things haven't been going well since we met. That I haven't been that Himmel you knew."
"Well, then I will repeat once again. That Himmel is gone. Hormones scrambled his brains." He gritted his teeth. "So drop this, and accept my apology."
"N-no." She actually seemed a bit intimidated at him for some reason. "Himmel, I... I really didn't mean it. You're not a problem."
He wished that was the case. "But I am! I know... I know I'm weak. I know it's me. Still, let's ignore that. Just accept my apology, and I'll... I'll go back to acting like the Himmel you knew. More or less."
She shook her head. "Acting? You never acted like anyone. You were just you." Hah! That definitely wasn't true. "Besides, there is no way I can... I can just ignore this after that outburst!"
Right.
Why did he blow up like that? He was an adult. Hell, even in this life he was already a teenager. He shouldn't be putting his burdens on others. Much less Celica. Much less the brats in general.
But now there was no turning back, and Celica would definitely not give up. "Did... has someone been telling you bad things, Himmel?" Bad things? Just the wording made him want to laugh. "Was it that girl?"
"Who are you talking about...?"
"That princess of course!" Seriously, where had that come from? "Everyone has been telling me that—"
"No, Julia didn't do anything. She's a nice girl." Suddenly he felt the anger that was beginning to build over disappear. His attitude had gotten Julia blamed?
"Then... is it really me? Because if so—"
"It's not you... it's not... Didn't you hear me, damn it!?" And then that anger came back with full force. "Don't you understand? Is it really hard to accept it!? The problem is me! I am... I am guilty. That's all it is."
"I thought... thought that if I trained, that if I studied, that if I smiled and made everyone else smile, that this time I would be worth something. That this time I could accomplish something! I didn't have any excuses not to do it, not anymore."
He put a hand on the pommel of his sword, holding as if he would die otherwise. "I'm special. I know I'm special. I've been given everything I ever needed to be special. I've put all the work I could into being special."
"But... admitting you want to be special is bad, isn't it? It makes you feel filthy, like you're demanding too much from everyone, it makes you an arrogant person. So I kept saying a bunch of bullshit to myself! That I helped people to build a community! That I just wanted to be strong enough to protect Ram Village from nobodies!"
"I knew the truth though. That's why I told Sonya that I would help her if I was called. That's why I kept training until my body broke. That's why... I... I... because when the opportunity inevitably came, I could prove myself."
"Prove that I could do it. That I wasn't faking it, that I really was that Himmel who could help everyone. But I messed it up. I did. Nobody else. Because... because..."
"Because I was given everything. The best of comrades, the best sword, the best teachers, the best body... And if I still fail every single time with all of that, then how can it be anyone's fault, but mine's!?"
He spat. "Look at me, I finally got the adventure I wanted! With all the cheats that I needed! With everything that I needed! And I completely and utterly failed at the first sign of real adversity. The first real test of character...!"
"And that's because no matter how much I train with a sword or with magic, I can't fix what's actually wrong with me! I can't fix my rotten character! I can't change! I... I... I'm rotten inside, a mask can't fix that."
Celica looked at him in disbelief. "Himmel... you... you aren't who you think you are... To me, in this whole world, you are—"
"I don't want to hear it from you." He snapped. "And isn't that pathetic? I don't even have the strength to look at you. My problems are all due to my character, and yet here I am throwing a tantrum like a child, crying like a child."
He began shaking. "Julia is on a foreign place without her mother. Everybody is having to leave their homes. Faye, she was... almost... she was... And yet here I am. Failing them all. Failing you. And now throwing a pity party on top of it."
Celica interjected. "You haven't failed anyone Himmel! We... we have failed you. I-I'm sorry, I didn't know you... you were feeling like this." Even through all of that, she still wanted to comfort him?
He shouldn't tell her. He shouldn't even dare to think about it...!
Seliph couldn't help himself. "Celica, you... you wanted to know what we were doing on this stupid ship, right? Right!? Fine, I'll tell you. I'll beg and plead for your forgiveness like the filth I am and tell you!"
"..."
"I killed.... I killed your father." It finally left his lips. He felt like laughing. "The bastard tried forcing himself on Faye and I cut him down. He was a demon, just like me, so I didn't even feel bad about it."
"The world doesn't work by the wills of demons like me though, and that's probably a good thing. So we all ran away. Ran away as far as we could. Archanea? Jugdral? It doesn't matter, we just needed to run away to live."
"And yet here I am... telling you about it and risking their lives just for my self satisfaction." He snorted. "I really am scum... that's why... that's why, if you want to punish someone, chose me. I did it. Me—"
...?
Celica was hugging him. "I'm so sorry!" Why was she doing that? "I... I can't believe that...! I didn't..."
"Celica, I've killed your father. I put everyone in a huge mess. I—"
"I've always heard about it... that my father wasn't a good person." And now Celica was crying too. "That he didn't care about anything or anyone, and I've always hated that part of him."
"Still, I didn't think too much about it. I never even got to see him, so I told myself that it didn't matter, but..." And now she was shaking too, just like him. "But it did matter. He... he tried to hurt my friends."
Her hug got tighter. "Thank you! Thank you for protecting my friends! You didn't fail anyone, Himmel! Much less me!"
He growled. "I could have done better." He should have done better, he—
"Himmel, please don't think so lowly of yourself." He couldn't. Nobody with common sense would be able to. "This... this is the third time you save my soul, so if you hate yourself, then how am I supposed to feel?"
"Third time...?"
She nodded against his shoulder. "The third time. You saved me from my nightmares when I arrived at Ram Village. You saved me from those knights. You saved my friends from my father. You're... my hero. So please, look at yourself the way I do it."
"I can't. I wished I could, but I can't, because I don't deserve it." He had done nothing of what she said. It had all been done by someone else, someone better.
"Then at least try..."
"..." He didn't know what to say to that.
Still, he hugged her back. He was being completely and utterly pathetic right now, but he would blame his young body for this. Honestly, a conversation with himself felt better than this.
And yet, he felt as light as a feather.
Hm, he finally came up with the words he wanted to say. "Thanks, Celica."
"I'm the one saying thanks here." Right.
He still had a lot of secrets, secrets he didn't know how to feel about it, but... at least he finally got this one out. Even if it was harder than pulling teeth.
And Celica apparently wasn't going to murder him in revenge. That was nice.
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AN: I've left the consequences of Celica finding out about the king for the next chapter. Mostly because I feel like it would be really weird to put it after Himmel's breakdown.
Also, Himmel, please don't cry... that ruins any aura you might have built up!
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Btw, since I haven't commented on that part of the chapter, I'd like to point out how relatable Himmel's speech was. The spiral of self-destruction that forces you to close off, pushing away the others, dumb attempts to be responsible and "spare them" from tolerating your weakness, and eventual inevitable meltdown. This is some good fucking writing. I hope to see more introspection from Himmel in the future. (Hopefully after the story picks up pace though, we've spent almost half of the wordcount on this tiny ship! Without a single pirate fight! This is unusual even for the glacial jrpg standards.)
