Kevin the Bored
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38 Canon is Still Intact and Women Are Scary.
🕑 Added 2024-07-24 14:47:54 +0000 UTCApril 20th
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What is it about women that makes them so much more troublesome than men?
That is a question Wash finds himself asking more and more as time goes by, because it seems like all the women in his life just make his life more difficult.
There's Elsie, who never lets him nap even when the work he's ignoring isn't even important. There's his boss's girl friend Chibi, who is way too casual about cutting people open, and now there's some Bomber Bitch blowing up the fucking city for apparently no real reason.
And of course there's also Her, but she's scary, so he prefers not to think about her.
The point is, women are so troublesome.
And now he's got to attend a villainous get-together because the Heroes are shit at doing their jobs.
Why does he have to help save the city? Isn't he supposed to be the bad guy? That was like, a big part of what he had to accept with this job.
Well whatever.
In the end, he decided against bringing Elsie, because while it would be nice to have her brains present, he's not going to risk bringing her to meet with so many rival Capes.
He'd be pretty pissed if she were killed after all, and then he'd have to go and kill all the Capes responsible and all their allies, and then he'd get yelled at by Jack. Honestly, it would just be far too much trouble, so he left her behind.
Instead he just had Leech and Kleus follow him. Leech because he's good a keeping a cool head and will remember any important details and Kleus because she's like, really smart.
He's pretty sure she has a Doctorate or some such thing and was a cancer researcher or something before triggering. Honestly he wasn't really paying much attention to the details when Elsie was explaining them, because Elsie was wearing this new perfume and it was really distracting.
God that woman is so fucking hot. Why won't she go on a date with him? He's not that unattractive. Like sure he used to be a meth addict and that didn't give him the best complexion, but Chibi's done plenty of surgeries on him by this point so you can't even tell.
His teeth are all white and shiny and straight and everything.
Shrugging to himself when he realises they've parked, Wash climbs out the back of his fancy new limo, created by Hornet, aka Sherrel, a new-ish trigger he picked up here in Brockton who's a Tinker specialised in vehicles and has massive tits. Did that last part need to be said? Yes. Because goddamn they are big. She's not even fat or tall, just makes them seem bigger.
Anyway, suffice to say, his limo has way more weapons hidden away inside of it than you'd think possible, and it can go faster than any supercar and is about as durable as a tank.
Honestly it's cool as fuck, and he'd totally want to have her make a whole garage for him, but he's been overruled and she's been put on some other project he doesn't know the details of.
Eh, at least he has a cool limo, that's good enough for him, and he's a simple man.
Hearing the sounds of a pair of doors opening and closing, he turns away from the meeting place, a well maintained but clearly low traffic arcade with Last Laugh bannered above the door in bright neon pink, and looks to his allies.
Leech is dressed as he generally is, black pants matching the colour of his short and messy hair, and a white jacket with a tall collar to act as a mask covering his angular lower face, leaving his Asian heritage clear to see.
Naturally, he also has his sword, but it's on his back and in one of those sword bag things that he's probably been told the name of but doesn't remember as a show of non-hostility to respect the rules of neutral grounds.
His other ally is a lot less respectful, as she nearly stumbles out of the limo, but having a healer on hand would be worth it by itself.
Kleus is easily the tallest of them, standing near seven foot compared to his and Leech's more average height. She's wearing a nice white dress that contrasts her caramel skin and has slits down the side to show off her toned arms and thighs.
Her body is covered in scars from her toes to her neck, with the most noticeable being the three on her face. One is just a simple line going down through the left side of her lips, another is a graft-like scar on the same cheek. But the most noticeable of them all is the horrific scar in place of her right eye, mostly covered by her hair, which is black with red roots.
As if sensing his gaze, Kleus turns to him, her pale yellow eyes boring down on him. He never knows where to look when she does, because Kleus has three eyes. One is where you would expect, another is like a tiny scar has been cut open right below it and the third is very much a typical third eye, being vertical and in the middle of her forehead.
Frowning to himself, Wash looks down at his own outfit, a rough brown business suit with fraying seams and a couple of washed out but still barely visible stains on it.
Then he runs a hand through his simple, uncared for brown hair and his frown deepens.
Is he the ugly one?
Is the reason Elsie won't give him a chance that all his subordinates look cooler than him?
...Nah, probably not, she's not that shallow.
With his delusions reaffirmed, Wash nods to himself and starts walking.
"C'mon gang, we're gonna be fashionably late at this rate," Wash says before muttering, "hey, that rhymed."
Leech falls into line without a word and Kleus does the same, except she also pulls out a flask and takes a swig, as if she wasn't already drunk enough for a meeting with a bunch of Supervillains.
He'd tell her that she shouldn't drink so much, but women are scary and he's pretty sure she'd cut his balls off if he tried to get her to stop drinking.
Being able to recover from anything sounds great right up until the troublesome women around you realise what that means they can get away with.
Maybe he should just turn gay. Elsie would understand. Probably. Maybe she's into gay dudes? God knows he, like most men, finds lesbians hot, so maybe the inverse is applicable? Maybe he could convince her with a threesome with Leech?
As if sensing his thoughts, Leech shivers and subtly keeps a step further behind him.
"I've got twenty bucks says someone says something racist in the first five minutes," Kleus abruptly says, making the men share a wry look.
"There's literally going to be a gang of Nazis present. That's a sucker's bet," Leech counters.
"Fine then, twenty on the same thing bus sexism instead. That bet can actually go either way, yeah Yuta?"
Leech lets out a long suffering sigh. "Secret Identities, Kleus. Secret Identities. And fuck it, fine, but I'm putting down twenty that someone will smack the table like Hitler."
Kleus barks out a laugh and nods easily in agreement before turning to Wash, who has been ignoring them and thinking about Elsie's butt. Very firm.
"You gotta come up with a bet too Bossman."
"Huh what?" He intelligently responds before mentally reviewing the conversation. "Oh, right, uhhh. I've got a grand on one of you speaking out of turn or otherwise causing trouble."
Both of them smirk lightly at that, though Kleus seems extra pleased by what is obviously just a bribe to get them to behave.
It's not like a grand is a lot in the grand scheme of things. Pablo Escobar used to make tens of millions every day or more, and while their drug operations aren't quite as expansive as Pablo's were, Red Heart dabbles in more than just drugs.
Whoever said crime doesn't pay has clearly never been a successful criminal.
If Wash actually got paid a good wage he could have over a hundred million dollars in his bank right now, but the boss only pays him minimum wage.
Maybe he should ask for a raise...
But it just seems so daunting he can never get the words out.
Whatever. Who needs money? He can just ask Elsie for another loan.
Wait. Is the reason she won't date him because she knows he can't afford to take her to a fancy restaurant? Nah, that's stupid, Red Heart owns plenty of fancy restaurants, so he wouldn't even have to pay, it's why he doesn't care about getting paid minimum wage.
Okay, he cares a little bit. Five-fifty an hour isn't exactly a lot.
If he knew that five-fifty wasn't even close to minimum wage, he'd probably be pretty upset, but luckily he doesn't pay attention to a lot of things.
That's why he brought Leech after all, so he can slack off.
When they entered the building it didn't take long for one of the staff to guide them to the meeting room in the back, and Wash doesn't dally before entering.
The room itself is a fairly large space, about the size of an average bar but made to seem bigger by the fact that there is only one large table in the centre and booths on the walls.
The actual bar is to the right as they enter, on the same wall as the door and manned by a deaf woman who has been the host of Brockton's neutral grounds since long before this building opened.
After all, who better than a deaf woman to work in this kind of situation.
Coasting his eyes over the room, Wash realises that he's the last to arrive, which isn't really unexpected if he's honest with himself. Leech is about the only responsible Cape they have in the city, and he's way too shy to really speak up about things like scheduling.
He's a good kid though, shame what happened to his girlfriend, but hey, could be worse. Probably. Maybe.
Sitting at the table closest to the door is a guy in motorcycle leathers with a skull painted helmet covering his face. The faint whisps of smoky darkness wafting about him give his identity away as Grue, leader of The Undersiders.
A glance to the side of the room shows the rest of his little gang as present. They're just a small time gang of thieves and getaway specialists, but their line-up has some pretty great synergy.
Grue can blanket an area in darkness, Tattletale is some kind of Thinker probably. The confused look she gave them when they entered confirmed that thought, since he had the three of them inject themselves with some of the boss's patented Anti-Thinker drug for this, just in case someone (Tattletale) tried stealing secrets.
Moving on, they also have Regent who can make you trip over your own feet and Bitch can turn her dogs into giant lizard monster things that they can use to ride away with.
He notices that there is a new member sitting with them, and it takes a second to figure it out, but she's probably the new cape that started this whole mess in the first place by fucking up lung, Cava-something.
He heard she literally rot the dragon's dick off, so once again he reaffirms himself in the fact that bitches be crazy. Maybe he really should just be gay, it seems a lot safer.
Further up the table but still on the left side is an emancipated lookin' dude in a full body skin-tight dark blue suit with a white snake coiling around him, the head of the snake coming down from over his head to rest on his forehead.
As the snake motif rather clearly lets on, that's Coil, and Wash can literally see the dude's ribs through that suit, it's creepy as fuck.
Coil doesn't have any teammates sitting in the booth for him, but he does have a mercenary looking guy standing behind his shoulder with a Tinkertech laser rifle held at ease.
He has no idea what the Snake's power is, but he's probably a Thinker of some sort, maybe a Tinker and he's just lying about buying all that tech for his goons.
Opposite Coil is Kaiser, Nazi Supreme. He is wearing a full suit of medieval armour with little crown-like spikes on the top. Wash isn't even ashamed to say he looks cool as fuck. Dude may be a Nazi, but for all their crimes, no one can deny that Nazi's were stylish as all hell.
Kaiser even went as far as to use his power of metal generation to make a throne out of metal instead of just using one of the offered seats, and he has his pet Valkyrie twins who everyone just pretends he totally isn't fucking standing behind him, flanking each shoulder, because Nazis gotta be extra.
In the booth behind him he also has Hookwolf lounging over the table with a drink in hand opposite a woman glowing like heated magnesium. He has to look away when he starts getting spots in his vision looking at her.
That's annoying.
Seated next to Purity is Night and Fog, both wearing simple clothes and masks and both equally still in their seats.
Kaiser and Hookwolf are already dangerous just with the two of them, but adding Purity to the mix, one of the strongest Blasters in the country who was supposed to have left the Empire, changes things.
Especially with Night, who can turn into a monster of some sort when no one can see her, and Fog, who can turn into a cloud of smoke thick enough to obscure sight added to the mix.
Well, it doesn't change much, but it's enough to be annoying.
It's not like he's worried, because for all that he's cultivated a pretty casual atmosphere in his Suit of the Red Hearts, the tenth Suit, his Suit, still has the greatest concentration of firepower in the whole organisation.
Their whole purpose is literally to prepare cities for takeover, which means that they, by design, are capable of taking on an entire city's parahuman roster by themselves even when they would be heavily outnumbered.
Granted, the Enforcement Division under Jack has much greater numbers, but they lack the same kind of heavy hitters that exclusively make up his Suit.
Honestly, it really just goes to show what kind of a place Brockton is that they haven't managed to kick the other gangs out yet. Not that he's been trying all that hard.
After all, Jack is still busy pacifying and securing the New England area, so he's got time before they'll be ready to move into the city in force.
The point is, even with Purity present, he's not worried of the unlikely event that this turns into a fight, because just the three of them could still take everyone in the room and win.
Though, against this line-up, Leech would probably have to actually do something, and nobody wants that.
Wash doesn't bother considering the Valkyrie twins in his assessment, because they can just grow big and really aren't a threat. Hell, Kleus went through a boot camp with Jack when she joined up since their powers are similar in application if not nature, so she could take the twins out within three seconds of a fight starting.
Closer to the door but on the same side of the table as Kaiser sits Faultline, a rather respectable mercenary cape dressed in modified riot gear with a welding mask covering her face.
In the booth behind her is her whole company, that being Gregor the Snail, a freaky translucent fat dude with shells crowing out of his skin and Newter, a teen with orange skin, fully blue eyes and hair and a long prehensile tail.
Those two are both Case 53s, because Faultline likes to collect monster capes for some reason.
With them is Spitfire, a woman in a mostly red fireproof suit and a modified gas mask with a nozzle on the front. She spits fire, and apparently has a very creative naming sense.
Next to her is Labyrinth, a blonde woman wearing a simple green cloak with a maze on it and a full cover mask. She's also got a Shaker rating of twelve, which he would say feels like an exaggeration but he's seen the result of her power's hights, so he kinda gets it. She can basically just rewrite the world around her.
Lastly, there's Shamrock who just seems violently Irish. She's got long ginger hair, and though her lower face is covered you can tell she's attractive, and she's wearing a skin-tight black suit with a big green four-leafed clover on the front. He doesn't know what her power is since she's new, but she has a shotgun on her back, so there's that.
There's also Uber and L33t, a duo of Villains who focus on video game themed crimes. They're basically jokes and the annoying kind of nerd, so Wash decides to just pretend they aren't there.
Now, normally that would be it for this meeting, that is all the people he was expecting to see.
Yet, on the same side as Faultline, on the seat closest to the door there is another person.
Wearing very recognisable dress of blue, red and gold, is none other than Falcone, the latest star Hero of Brockton Bay.
Why the fuck is a Hero here? Attending this meeting betwixt Villains? Que?
He decides to just ignore it, since no one seems to be complaining.
And then, last but by no means least, at the head of the table, opposite the door, are the moderators for this meeting, No Face and Jester, who is in the process of building a house of cards on the table.
It's probably the most open secret that Last Laugh is just a Clown front to provide neutral grounds to Villains, so he's not surprised to see them there.
Generally, there is a No Face in every Last Laugh arcade ready to moderate, mediate or just generally act as an intermediary between two parties, so his presence is expected.
But he's not surprised Jester is present, since she's already in the city, and if there's one trait that all Clowns share, it's that they hate missing out on 'fun'. He's pretty sure that trait is a requirement for joining.
"Ah, Ten, good of you to join us," No Face greets as they enter, and Wash gives him a smile and a nod, realising as he takes his own seat that not only is he the only one at the table not wearing a mask, but none of them are even wearing half masks.
Man, he feels so out of place right now, but it's not like he really cares about his secret identity or anything. Red Heart doesn't really buy into the Heroes vs Villains crap, they're more just a normal criminal enterprise, so they only wear masks when it's too much trouble not to.
"Hope I'm not late," Wash answers as he does his best to ignore how Kleus immediately ditched him for the bar before he even sat down. At least Leech is standing behind him.
He's actually kind of annoyed that he's getting out styled by the Nazis, but he also can't really be bothered to put so much effort into his image.
"Wonderful. Now, I'm sure you all know each other so I won't bother with introductions. This meeting has been called by Coil," No Face gestures a hand to the man in question, "so I will leave it to him to start."
"Thank you, No Face," Coil's voice is smooth and confident as it comes out. "I'm sure you've all noticed Lung's absence from this meeting, but I doubt any of you are surprised, considering the subject of today's discussion."
"The ABB," Kaiser helpfully replies, and Wash thinks about refraining from rolling his eyes at the man's love of his own voice, but then remembers he's a Nazi and adds some head movement to make his eye roll especially clear.
"Twenty-six individuals confirmed dead and over a hundred hospitalized in this past week. Armed presence on the streets. Ongoing exchanges of gunfire between ABB members and the combined forces of the police and military. They have raided our businesses and bombed places where they think we might operating. They have seized our territories, and there’s no indication they intend to stop anytime soon," Coil clarifies the situation for the benefit of those not already aware of things.
So basically just for The Undersiders and the nerds.
“It is inconvenient,” Kaiser speaks again.
"Eh," Wash jumps in, "my territory hasn't been hit as bad as yours. I'm not sure if it's an insult or a compliment, but hey, Nazis are exploding so I'm on the fence."
“They’re being reckless,” Faultline interjects before they can start bickering, which is a shame, because Wash is pretty sure he's exactly the kind of person that can piss off people like Kaiser without even trying.
He'd bet money that Kaiser would put spikes in benches so homeless people couldn't sleep on them if he could. Fortunately no one would be okay with that, and even he doesn't want to deal with hordes of angry homeless druggies.
"Which is the real concern," Coil continues, "the ABB can’t sustain this. Something will give, they will self destruct sooner or later, and they will likely cease to be an issue. Had things played out differently, we could look at this as a good thing. Our problem is that the actions of the ABB are drawing attention to our fair city. Homeland security and military forces are establishing a temporary presence to assist in maintaining order. Heroes are going to be flocking to the city to support the Protectorate in regaining control of matters. It is making business difficult."
He's not entirely wrong there, but Red Heart is a much larger organisation than anyone else at this table, so Wash hasn't really had much problem working around Homeland security.
"Bakuda is at the centre of this,” Grue states, joining the dialogue, “Lung may be the leader, but everything hinges on the girl. She ‘recruited’ by orchestrating raids of people’s homes while they slept, subduing them, and implanting bombs in their heads. She then used those bombs to coerce her victims into kidnapping more. No less than three hundred in total, now. Every single one of her soldiers knows that if they don’t obey, Bakuda can detonate the bombs. All of them are willing to put their lives on the line, because the alternatives are either certain death or watching their loved ones die for their failure. Taking her down is our ultimate goal, but she’s rigged her bombs to go off the second her heart stops, so it’s a little more complicated than a simple assassination.”
He reaches into the darkness that shrouds his chest and withdraws a package before continuing. “She videotaped the ambush she pulled on my group a week ago and left it behind when she ran. I’ve made copies. Maybe you’ll find it useful for getting a better understanding of her.”
Wash almost smiles at that. The Undersiders are all teens, but he can admit that the kid has balls. Presumably the tape shows plenty of what Bakuda is capable of but none of what his team can do. It's a nice show of strength, and the confidence with which he gave the CDs away gives him extra points.
“So,” Coil let the word hang in the air as he cracked each of the knuckles on his right hand individually, “We’re in agreement? The ABB cannot be allowed to continue operating.”
Various nods and murmurs of agreement are made around the room which Coil rightfully takes as an assent.
"Then I suggest we establish a truce. Not just everyone here, but between ourselves and the law. I would contact authorities and let them know that until this matter is cleared up, our groups will restrict our illegal activity to only what is absolutely essential to our business, and we will enforce the same for those doing business in our territories. That would let police forces and military focus entirely on the ABB. There would be no violence, infighting between our groups, grabs for territory, thefts or insults. We band together with those we can tolerate for guaranteed victory, and we ignore those we cannot cooperate with.”
“Just saying my group won’t be getting directly involved in this without a reason,” Faultline spoke. “We won’t be going after the ABB unless they get in my way or someone pays my rates. It’s the only workable policy when you’re a cape for hire. And just so we’re clear, if it’s the ABB paying, my team’s going to be on the other side of things.”
How mercenary. Wash almost rolls his eyes at the shitty lie. Well, maybe it's not that she's a bad actor, but he knows enough about Faultline that she wouldn't work for someone like Bakuda.
“Unfortunate, but you and I can talk after this meeting is done. I’d prefer to keep matters simple,” Coil says, unbuffed. “You’re okay with the other terms?”
“Keeping on the down-low, not kicking up a fuss with other groups? That’s status quo with my group anyways.”
“Good. Kaiser?”
“I think that is acceptable,” Kaiser agreed.
“I was talking to my group about doing something not too different from what Coil just proposed,” Grue spoke. “Yeah, we’re cool with it.”
Eyes turn to Wash, but he doesn't notice since Jester just finished her card tower and he was watching her place the final pieces.
Leech nudges his shoulder and he turns back to the others with a placid expression. "Sure sure, all the explosions are keeping me awake, it's annoying. That said," Wash pauses as he finally gives the room his full attention and leans forward with his elbows on the table. "Why're you the one contacting the fuzz 'bout all this? I would have figured that was why she was here."
He juts his chin in the direction of Falcone with his words, because why the hell would a Hero be here if not for the express purpose of keeping the angels in the loop?
"One would think so," Coil answers without losing his poise. "But I did not invite her, she just showed up and I decided against questioning it."
"Yes, I was wondering that too," Kaiser adds, turning his nose up at Falcone with the appropriate amount of professional disdain a Nazi should have when faced with someone with such sandy brown skin. "What is someone like you doing here?"
Wash notices Kleus suddenly paying more attention to the conversation, equal parts offended as someone with a similar skin colour as Falcone, and annoyed that she's not going to win twenty bucks.
Wash hasn't interacted with Falcone before, in fact, she's hardly interfered with his business beyond getting in a surprisingly even fight with Leech. He's never actually seen anyone match Yuta's skill in a fight before her.
But still, he's mildly impressed but also unsurprised by how she doesn't even flinch when the attention of every Supervillain in the city and plenty of minor ones turn their full attention to her.
Seriously, the amount of firepower in this room right now could stand a decent chance at conquering a small country.
"I am a Hero," Falcone answers, her voice disinterested and plain, as if talking about the weather. "There is a Villain terrorising the city, as a Hero, it is my duty to put a stop to that."
"Exactly my problem," Kaiser harshly rebuts. "You are a Hero and we are all Villains. Is it not your duty," he says the word as if it's an insult, "to arrest us? How can we trust you won't break truce? Will we have to worry about a surprise attack from the Heroes on this neutral ground?"
The moment the last syllable leaves his lips, all their attention is drawn to the head of the table by the sharp sound of a palm hitting wood.
They all watch in a suddenly tense silence as Jester's house of cards falls down.
A beat passes, and then she sweeps her gaze over them all before stopping on Kaiser.
"What was that about the rules of this neutral ground being broken?" She asks, even as she picks up one of the cards and slowly pushes it into No Face until half of the card disappears and blood starts dripping down in a thin line.
He doesn't seem to mind, but Wash feels for him. Women really are unreasonable.
Falcone is the one who breaks the uncomfortable silence. "There won't be any truce breaking or ambushes from the Heroes. I am here alone."
That, surprises him more than anything else in the meeting so far. It's even more surprising than how Jester is still shoving her cards into No Face's chest.
"How's that work?" He can't help but ask. "You say you're here without support and that you're here 'cuz you're a Hero and wanna stop Bakuda, but that's just not really computing in my head. How does wanting to stop Bakuda lead to you being here, and not with the other Heroes who are trying to do exactly that?"
"Because they are only trying," she rebukes immediately. "Frankly, the PRT is incompetent. That's why I've never tried to push someone to join," he notices the new cape with The Undersiders briefly react to that, but isn't given time to think about it. "I want Bakuda dealt with, and if I cannot accomplish this with the proper authorities, then I will work with you. Don't forget, I used to be a Villain too."
Oh yeah, he totally did forget that. She's just so damn heroic whenever she's on TV that it completely slipped his mind. Props to whoever's working her PR.
"While your opinions are wonderfully interesting," Kaiser's sarcasm is thick, "I don't imagine the PRT would allow one of their vaunted Heroes to be seen working with Villains. They do so love their PR."
"Funny, I don't imagine that I will be a 'vaunted Hero' as you so put it for much longer. In all likelihood I will be declared a vigilante at best, or a Villain at worst by week's end, so don't you worry about that."
"You seem awful calm about that," Wash states.
"Nearly two years ago now, I swore that I would be a Hero, that I would save people." She pauses in thought, letting her words sink in before continuing. "Over the past five days, the PRT has made little progress against Bakuda, but all of you together have far more resources than they do in this city. I want to see Bakuda dealt with. If that means I must be labelled a Villain once more and briefly ally myself with you, then that is what I will do. True justice places morality over law."
Well damn. She must be carrying a whole lot of guilt to be so invested in her oath of redemption. At least, that's Wash's take on her anyway, because guilt can be a pretty good motivator, and people aren't generally that selfless without a reason.
"In that case, we're happy to have you aboard," Coil states, bringing the conversation back around. "I take it no one has any further problems, and that we are all in agreement to this truce then?"
He gets a variety of nods. "Wonderful. Then there is only one more thing I would like to bring up." He turns to Jester, who has by now stuck No Face with half her deck. "As you have been making home in this city, will you be taking part in this undertaking?"
"Nah," she immediately answers, sticking another card in No Face and oh, that's a lot of blood. "I'm liking what Bakuda's doing honestly, she's like a mini Sting Theory, it's great! Did you see that bomb that turned people inside out? Fucking hilarious~!"
As Jester burst out in joyous laughter, everyone else shares a few looks of concern, but Kaiser seems to take exception to her humour. Wash assumes it's because one of his Capes got injured by a Bakuda bomb and they don't have Othala to heal them.
Personally, he finds it pretty funny how they had their own personal healer for all of two weeks before she got captured and converted into a Ward.
"Do you think-" Kaiser starts, but he doesn't get far into his sentence before Jester abruptly jumps to her feet and slams both palms against the table hard enough to crack it.
"NO! SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She screams with such a sudden vitriol that no one can stop themselves from leaning away. "I'VE GOT THE TALKING STICK! ME! NOT YOU! IT'S MY FUCKING TURN SO SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP OR I WILL KILL YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN AND DIG UP YOUR FUCKING SISTER'S ROTTING FUCKING CORPSE AND MAKE A BUNCH OF BLACK MEN GANG RAPE IT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"
Nobody moves after she stops screaming, the only sound being that of heavy breaths.
And then, as if nothing just happened, the incredibly tense atmosphere pops and Jester flops into her chair, kicking her feet onto the table.
"Ahem, as I was saying," she starts again in a voice best described as dainty, a complete juxtaposition to her previous wrathful screaming. "I'm rootin' for Bakuda, but I'm gonna stay neutral in all of this. I'll prolly be putting bets down though~."
Nobody responds for almost a minute, everyone still recovering from the emotional whiplash of Jester's sudden changes in mood.
If any present ever had any doubt about the claim that all Clowns are batshit insane, Wash is certain those doubts have disappeared.
"Well," Coil eventually breaks the awkward silence. "It seems we are in agreement. If no one else has anything to add, then this meeting is adjourned."
Nobody says anything.
The Undersiders are the first to leave. Everyone else quickly follows.
As Wash is being driven back to base, he finds himself seriously considering that turning gay might be the safest bet after all.
Oh shit, speaking of bets.
"Hey Kleus, no one said anything sexist."
"Damnit."
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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
Y'all better remember all these character descriptions so I don't have to write them out again.
nearly 6k words on this chap cuz there's like 2k words of character descriptions and like 1k straight copied from canon cuz there would be no real reason for the meeting to go much differently than the few changes I made thanks to Coil being present.
That said, we've only just got to canon stuff, which means it is now time to kick canon of the rails right away. As soon as the ABB stuff is dealt with, canon will no longer be even slightly helpful in planning my chapters out :>
Also, I want Wash and his Suit to get more attention, cuz they're all supposed to be like super chads, which was a real bad idea on my part honestly. I really need to stop making all my OCs so fucking powerful lmao.
Comments
Mitzee
Having Wash just not give much of a shit is a pretty good counterbalance for them being super op.
THE SAVAGE KITTY
Amen brother
