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Hard Digest May 1: Early Access Drummers, Movie Villains, Music Videos, and More
🕑 Added 2025-05-02 00:00:06 +0000 UTCHardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing First
By Char Byram
BALTIMORE ā Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his department to begin with.
āIāve always been the shirtless one,ā said Cruz, as Altman was seen sulkily pulling his own tee back over his head. āItās kind of my whole deal. I get sweaty back here pummeling away at the drums, so I need to let my skin breathe, you know? I was born to be shirtless, and itās become part of who I am as a drummer and performer. Itās important that I have this bit to express my individuality in the band. I just gotta be myself, and also not let Devin do it. Next heās going to have a giant box fan blowing on him the entire time and it will totally steal my thunder.ā
Altman attempted to explain what prompted this sudden behavior of wanting to strip down while singing.
āI get hot up there in the front under all the bright lights. Corey just sits there on his comfortable little drum chair while Iām getting my steps in and putting on the show of a lifetime,ā Altman said, pouting. āHow come I canāt pop off my clothes every once in a while, too? Just because Corey has a leaner, more toned physique and isnāt highly visible to the crowd doesnāt mean I donāt also want to show some skin every now and then. This is like, discriminatory, man.ā
Audience member Terry Balzac thinks the band members should find a compromise.
āThey can both be shirtless. Hell, I think I should be shirtless as well. Iād want the freedom to pull off this sweaty garment and be unburdened by norms and expectations,ā Balzac rambled, unprompted. āIn fact, I think itās ridiculous that society doesnāt allow us all to throw off these shackles we call clothes and be completely free, allowing ourselves to bare all. Iām gonna do it! Iām taking my fucking shirt off!ā
At press time, Altman was seen putting on a leather vest in place of a shirt and leaving it open while Cruz shook his head doubtfully.
Opinion: Society Really Started Going Downhill Once They Stopped Making Rich People Villains in Kids Movies
By Zachary Wolf
Thereās no denying that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and everyone has their opinion on why that is. Well, Iām here to tell you the real reason: they stopped making rich people the bad guys in kidsā movies.
Remember in movies like Newsies when the kids were trying to unionize and to get their fair share of the child labor economy? That movie would never get made today, as A) unionizing would never be shown in a positive light, and B) rich capitalist media moguls would never greenlight a movie about rich capitalist media moguls screwing over everyone.
Then there was the Little Rascals. Adorable scamp Alfalfa was trying to woo Darla, whose attention turned to Waldo, a preppy new rich kid who came from big oil money. Granted, Alfalfaās membership in the He-Man Woman Haters Club probably didnāt help things.
But even so, if that movie were made today, it would be about āpoorā kids whose parents only made $100,000 per year, and the bad guy would be a vulnerable immigrant kid or something.
Nowadays rich people are never the bad guys in kids movies. Because in movies, as in real life, the only metric of success people comprehend is wealth. So by default, if youāre not wealthy, youāre a failure in life and unworthy of love and happiness.
As a matter of fact, you donāt see poor ā or even middle-class people ā in movies anymore. Unless itās weird poverty porn like Shameless or Hillbilly Elegy. While those arenāt kidsā movies, or even movies at all, you still get the idea.
Some people would point to Richie Rich as being an example of rich people being the good guys in a kidsā movie. On the surface, theyād be right. However, a closer look reveals that Richie Rich wanted to share his privilege with his working class friends, including that girl whose mom looked like Rosie OāDonnell.
Plus his parentsā vault contained treasured keepsakes from Richieās childhood and not jewels, diamonds, and other spoils of rampant capitalist domination. This facet of the movie is highly unrealistic, as it proved that Mr. and Mrs. Rich actually had a heart, unlike real rich people.
So if weāre going to get the world back on track, the only way to do it is to start teaching kids that rich people are inherently evil and should be ridiculed and humiliated at every opportunity.
Report: Band Too Ugly To Be in Own Music Video
By Neel Bhakta
DENVER ā A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.
āWeāve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like weāve finally made a massive breakthrough,ā said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. āI mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, itās probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. Itās just the most humane thing to do.ā
Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.
āThis sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ā66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess weāre too hideous for that,ā said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. āSure, weāre not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we donāt care about that. Our audience doesnāt judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, donāt feature any of our faces.ā
Alonso JimĆ©nez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wifeās latest video, also came out against the band.
āLook, Iām not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. Thereās no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,ā said an exhausted JimĆ©nez rocking back and forth. āWe need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.ā
At press time, Bug Wifeās manager posted a casting call for āsolid 5s or 6sā to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.
Dad Puts Life Advice Behind Paywall
BY Tim Graham
EVERETT, Mass. ā Father of three Paul Danvers announced he has ceased dispensing guidance unless his adult children pay up, according to intrigued neighborhood dads.
āWhen my kids were young, I freely doled out my advice,ā said Danvers. āBut now that my youngest has turned 18, things are changing. Iāve got five decades of accumulated wisdom, and if they want to continue to tap into it, theyāre going to subscribe to one of the plans Iām offering. The Economy program is only $10 per month, and entitles subscribers to access my knowledge concerning basic topics like car repair and sports, while the Gold level gives access to the full breadth of my wisdom. This includes advanced home repair, investing tips and even bonus āatta boysā and āatta girlsā.ā
Danversā youngest child Lucy was disappointed when her fatherās advice was abruptly cut off.
āDad always gave us great advice when we were growing up, but I guess at some point he realized he shouldnāt be giving this stuff away for free,ā said Ms. Danvers. āI decided Iām willing to pay for the Intermediate tier just so I can continue to go to him for his input on important issues. Like last week, I was put in charge of the grill at our sorority cookout and his tips saved the day. However, when I recently asked for his opinion on my new boyfriend, dad told me that sort of content is only available to Gold tier members.ā
Ethan Swain, host of a motivational āgrindsetā podcast, applauds Danversā ingenuity.
āItās the 21st century, dog,ā said Swain from somewhere within a thick vape cloud. āItās not enough just to have a side hustle. Your side hustle needs a side hustle. So if this dude figured out a way to commodify something that most people give away for free, more power to him. I say donāt stop there. He should put together a pitch deck, get some angel investors and launch an app to make it easy for other dads to monetize their advice. You never leave money on the table.ā
At press time, Danvers had informed his children of price increases across all tiers and the inclusion of ads with the Basic membership.
