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Some personal news
🕑 Added 2025-04-21 22:26:32 +0000 UTCHey folks, K here. This is going to be a very personal post, but you’ll quickly see where it’s going.
My first real job after college involved managing volunteers. One of them was a little older than me, and we had a lot in common. Lots of interests, and a similar disposition, and we got along well. I left that job, but we stayed connected on Facebook.
Then one night about ten years ago, that volunteer posted an update, coming out as trans and telling her story. Reading it, I started crying and couldn’t stop.
When I finally put myself back together, I was so scared and confused that I put it behind me and ran. I threw obstacles into that feeling’s path by drinking and overworking myself (two things I was very, very good at at the time). It was how I existed most days, just trying to skip time.
This has happened a few other times, but that story sticks out. I lost track of her and I regret that. But if I could find her, I’d tell her what I’m about to tell you:
I’m trans too.
My story is like so many others. I always knew something about me was different, always kind of suspected what it was, and was always sure self-actualization was for other people, not me. I was never sure that what I was feeling was dysphoria, or if the thoughts I having were unusual for a cis person. Even though I would never judge anyone else for being trans, when it came to myself, I looked for any possible alternative because I was different and didn’t deserve it.
Why would I be the special exception? Because the road was hard and I was weak? Because the “rules” of society apply only to me, and not to anyone else? What a delusional, egotistical way to live. I’m done with it. I’m through with hiding.
One of the great privileges of my work and our community is that people have discovered their own transness and felt safe coming to us with it, mentioning that something we made facilitated their understanding. Each of these conversations with newly-out people was a wonderful gift, to know I was involved somehow in something so meaningful. In honesty, there was also sadness because it felt like I was stuck, and worse, it was my own doing.
Like many trans people who get started late, I spend a lot of time feeling terrible grief over the time I lost to obliviousness, fear, and self-hatred. And that’s why I’m telling you this now, because I don’t want to lose any more time if I can help it.
I stopped denying myself in the summer of 2023. I started therapy later that year. I got on hormones in June of 2024. I planned on coming out earlier, but the US election destroyed me. I just recently came out to my family, and the reception was… mixed. And now it’s your turn, along with the rest of the world.
If you’re taking the time to read this, I’m probably not worried about losing you. We’ve managed to chase away a lot of the chuds. But I am worried about how internet randos, my family, and (of course) the government will treat me. Some days that fear is overwhelming, but I know that sitting still at a dead end is not an option. I would never go back on my transition. It’s done wonders for me. Maybe you can tell.
What you need to know is that my name is Kaye (pronounced Kay, but I want that E in there). My pronouns are she/her. Please do your best to observe those, though I know habit is hard to break. I’ll be changing my presentation and changing my voice, which I know will be an adjustment for everyone. Please be patient with me, I’m in unexplored territory.
There are still some episodes in the hopper, to come out after I make this announcement, where we use my deadname and old pronouns. That’s just the way she goes. And given the nature of my work, it will be impossible to completely expunge my boy era from the internet, which is going to have to be okay. It’ll take me forever to change my name over on every show description and site. Such is life!
I want to thank Gary and Gwen and my other friends at the network who have been so supportive and understanding as I’ve worked through this. It’s the privilege of a lifetime to, know, work with, and rely on such wonderful people.
So there we go. No more hiding, no more paranoia. All my life has been building up to this. And as difficult as it’s been to get started, I’m so happy to get going.
“Hey now, don’t forget that change will save you.” - “Überlin” by R.E.M.
“What God doesn’t give to you, you have to go and get for yourself.” - “Bamboo Bones” by Against Me!
Comments
Kai Zastrutzki
Just now catching up as I'm working my way through BQV and haven't had time to listen to the more current shows. Right as we're approaching the end of Breaking Bad I heard you going "And I'm Kaye Ross" and I had to rewind several times because I thought you were doing a bit I wasn't getting. Then I let it play and understood what was up and I must say, I couldn't be happier for you! Even though it appears to be "the worst time" to do this, by the amount of people that are coming out (Steph Sterling, Emily at LTT, Abigail Thorn over at Philosophy Tube) even in my limited bubble of the internet, it gives me hope and tells me that deep down, we're all going to be just fine. Congratulations, Kaye!
Christopher Abernathy
Late to the comments on this, but just wanted to say I am very impressed and proud of you, Kaye. As a person of similar ilk, also living in Ohio and with friends and family that are a mixed bag, I understand some the challenges. You’ve got this, and we’ve got your back as well. Take care!
Zach Wheeler
Hey! I just heard. I’m happy you’re figuring you out. Hoping for all the best, Kaye. And I *guess* for Gary, too. P.S. 5,000,000 points for quoting “Bamboo Bones.” :D
Danzorai
Was listening to a newer episode and was very confused. First off, congratulations! Very brave to go through this and also be in the public eye. I'm still trying to accept that I can like "feminine" things as a straight male. Anyway, good luck in life and I will always support these personal choices and breaking down gender roles!
The Spouter-Inn
Kaye, YES, SO PROUD OF YOU. I tuned in to the Red Alert ep today was like, "hey, wait, who is Kaye?" Came here and found out. I give you all the credit in the world for your courage and bravery. And obviously I'll remain a supporter. I don't want to get too ahead of myself but I have a feeling your best work is still ahead of you and I want to be around to hear it. All the best from the midwest. Take good care.
MarlowesMustache
Oh shit, I somehow missed this, was listening to newer episodes, then heard reference to the news at the start of the dispatch - so happy for you Kaye :) I hope you find nothing but support here at least. Thanks so much for all the entertainment and thought-provoking content you’ve given me over the years as I navigate my own life’s difficulties. We love and appreciate you!
King of Sushi
Longtime listener but had taken a break from listening to podcasts for a month or so and also have not fully migrated to BlueSky yet so I SOMEHOW did not realize this happened until just now... despite listening to the Satisfactory and RE6 WOFF episodes where you introduced yourself as Kaye and glancing at the last couple of Level episode descriptors (and had stopped scrolling down before I could see the one literally titled "My Name Is Kaye Ross") >.> But caught up with this now and hell yeah, I'm so damn happy for you! :3
Tom
In retrospect, the beard going away should have been an obvious clue. Glad to hear that you're not running from yourself anymore!
Lucas
Congratulations and best of luck moving forward!
Henry Carse
I'm so happy for you Kaye and I'm delighted you can be your authentic self.
Cael Keegan
Longtime trans listener here! I support you and send my love. We all need to protect and back each other up. Still here, still listening. Thank you for your work and your courage. 💙
Kristine Berdal Rydberg
Congratulations, Kaye! What a beautiful and brave post. I hope you're met with so much love and acceptance that you'll eventually be able to shrug off the negative reactions <3 (New patreon here, Bonfireside Chat means so much to me. Thanks!)
