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Chapter 140: Of Grease And Shadows
🕑 Added 2023-08-20 02:31:43 +0000 UTCMy opinion of the barony was the same as a pebble.
They had their uses. They could be thrown, grinded down or left to erode. Rarely did they cause trouble on their own. Not through lack of effort, of course. But through lack of means.
There was only so much a pebble could do. And there was also only so much the barony could do, so often shorn of imagination.
However, even with my non-existent expectations of those at the lowest rung of nobility, I still had faith in their ability to be pertinent about wasting their finances.
Indeed, as many of them were little more than merchants who’d bought a place on the ladder of aristocracy, I expected them to joyfully destroy their coffers by swimming in baths of highly prized Châteaux Célon-Tousaine de Vin or wooing foreign nobility with a stagecoach in the shape of a golden pumpkin.
Dull, yes–but not necessarily wasteful.
Yet seeing the blushes of a countryside baron as he mouthed like a freshly hatched goldfish, my opinion was lowered of them all. Almost as much as my thoughts on the squirming dwarf unsuccessfully attempting to free himself from the large panther sat atop him.
“You! How dare you! I … we entrusted our protection to you! And you make a mockery of me! Us! … Guards! Shackle the dwarf at once!”
“B-Baron Talbrent … there’s a dire shadow panther sitting on him …”
“I care not! Shackle the creature as well!”
“Grrowrrl.”
“... Or … Or maybe wait first. Or lure it away. Does anyone have food to offer, by any chance?”
Amidst a circle of dissatisfied peasants, frightened jesters and highly apprehensive house guards, the ruling baron of the nearby township was the most colourful plume amidst the chaos.
Within the wide open pavilion, children danced through a pen of illusions, the mammoths still worth their invisible weight in entertainment.
They stood beside newly stacked crates, constituting all the wealth to be clawed back. A trifling amount, judging by the litany of fallen flags and inexpensive prizes strewn across the ground.
I had little doubt that just as giant frost mammoths could vanish, so too could the worst of the jesters, scattering like fawns into the woods.
A thought worthy of a groan.
The monsters which inhabited my woods didn’t need extra feeding.
After all, not all the creatures to wander across my realm were as obedient as a newly freed panther. Some were worse. Far worse. Fire breathing death beetles worse. And some were even more worse than that.
For example … a halfling with a cart.
Armed with barrels of grease, these diminutive figures lured prey with the scent of freshly baked brioches and melted gruyère, welded to a grilled beef patty and doused by the moisture of crunchy butterhead lettuce, red onions and sweet tomatoes.
Why, amongst the cacophony of the yelling baron, the hollering peasants and the squirming of a dwarf, here was the only attraction which still functioned.
I swallowed as I sat upon a wooden stool, staring down at a tower of sandwich melts balancing precariously upon the cart.
Behind it was a beaming halfling, waiting to assail his next victims.
“Back for a second round, huh? I’m afraid to say it’s only the first bite that’s free.”
The halfling flashed a knowing smile, his white teeth gleaming behind the steam.
Indeed … this was terrible! A plot most foul!
The odour of used oil and scorched dough! And also dripping patties and melting cheese between crunchy vegetables!
An assault against the senses … and also my tummy, as memories of a night in Aquina rushed to remind me of the grease I had painstakingly sought to forget.
It was a truly dreadful experience. And I could not in good conscience permit any other soul to experience such a travesty!
… And neither could my loyal handmaiden!
“Om nom nom nom nom nom.”
“Coppelia!” I said, aghast as she chewed through a sandwich melt like a beaver deconstructing a dam. “Your manners! You must eat with the grace and elegance of a handmaiden at a formal function at all times!”
“Nom omom nomnom onom nomnom om nom nom.”
“Coppelia!!”
I watched with dismay as the girl beside me threw all sense of dignity out the window, leaving nothing but a relish and mustard sauce dribbling down the sills.
The halfling laughed.
His voice was as boisterous as his smile. An impressive feat. Even to the backdrop of a hollering crowd, his voice stood out as much as his highly dangerous sandwich melts. One of which had already magically disappeared from my hands and into my tummy.
“Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse,” said the halfling, nodding appreciatively as Coppelia reached for another sandwich melt. “Or rather, I’ve seen better. Go on, you can impress me more!”
The encouragement wasn’t necessary.
In moments measurable by blinks, another sandwich had vanished. I was certain that were this circus not being dismantled, they’d hire her on the spot.
“My apologies for the display,” I said, steadfastly refusing to peer at the diminishing tower of appalling, disgusting, greasy … horribly tasty fare before me. “Yours was one of the few stalls remaining with furnishings.”
“And that’s the way it’ll stay. My cart isn’t part of this troupe.”
“Excellent. Then I can comfortably watch the proceedings without needing to invite you in.”
The halfling smiled as he opened a lid. Steam and the aroma of freshly baked brioches came out.
I swallowed, resolutely holding firm. For now.
“By all means, rest your weary feet. It’s deserved. I happened to see it, you know.”
“See what?”
“Your own performance.” The halfling grinned past the billowing steam. “I caught a glimpse. A fantastic showing, the way you confronted that rapscallion of a dwarf. I’ll long remember the way he fled. For a tamer of beasts, he boasted the finest tail between his legs!”
I studied the halfling curiously.
“My … I’m glad you agree. Though I never realised I had an audience. What, may I ask, brought you to be near the midst of all that?”
“Nothing malicious, I assure you. I was seeking permission to set up my stall.”
“I see. And did you receive it?”
The halfling glanced over at the dwarf wriggling beneath the large panther. It merely yawned and sat down even harder.
“Yeah, I’d say so. Thanks to you. Although I shouldn’t be the only one offering a kind word. I notice you haven’t spoken to the blushing baron over there. Not looking for gratitude?”
“Gratitude is what peasants seek after ejecting a potato from a field. No, I don’t seek such trivialities. Especially if it means interacting with a baron who could learn to lose more crowns. That’s hardly a reward for me. It’s a punishment as dire as using the same pillow twice.”
The halfling blinked at me. Coppelia waved her hand.
“Dunt worries, schee sheys stuff fwlike thwat.”
I couldn’t even pretend to understand what that was. All I heard was the crunching of butterhead lettuce as she devoured yet another sandwich melt.
Knowing her to be lost, I turned to the halfling.
“Regardless, I do have instructions I need to provide to the local baron.”
“Oh? Well, he’s right there. Make sure you leave a good word about me, eh?”
“You shall have to do it yourself. Congratulations, I hereby assign you as my intermediary. Please inform the baron about the existence of an island in the Emerald Sea now being utilised for the procurement of soap.”
“Sorry, once more?”
“Soap. It’s a rehabilitation and manufacturing centre. Ferrying can be provided by the auspices of Princess Florella at Trierport. She has a new flagship, you see.”
“A flagship? What? You mean a yacht?”
“No, I mean a war galleon with 104 cannons and a fitting name. The Gentle Princess.”
At this, the halfling broke out into a fresh round of laughter.
I was appalled.
Nothing about what I said was supposed to induce humour! At least not until a vagabond found themselves staring up at their doom and succumbed to their despair.
“The Gentle Princess, huh? Nice name for a ship like that. I do hear the princesses of this kingdom are a real … charitable bunch.”
“Quite so!”
I beamed. Finally, a statement I could agree with!
“Mrrwowr.”
All of a sudden, the curiosity of a very large panther made itself known.
Without even feigning shyness, it padded towards me, clearly eager to display its charms to its saviour.
Nearby, a relieved band of guards had shackled the dwarf, his protests drowned by the demands of peasants seeking a refund.
Then–it swept past me, reached up and consumed a sandwich melt from the cart.
It devoured another before it’d even finished chewing, then did so again, transferring a significant pile of the tower for safekeeping in its maws.
The feline was soon purring as it proceeded to rub its whiskers against the halfling, occasionally licking his face. Even kneeling, the great creature shadowed over the food vendor’s small figure.
I was aghast.
To … To think this beast’s loyalty could be so easily bought!
Luckily, those in my official employ were harder to seize from my side!
“Hey, are you looking to hire?” asked Coppelia between bites. “I think you’re onto a real winner here. I wanna be there when you strike it big!”
“Coppelia?!”
“Ahaha~ I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I mean, I’d be terrible at helping. Unless you want a quality control supervisor … do you want a quality control supervisor?”
“Afraid not,” answered the halfling as my indignation rose. “One halfling is just enough for my cart to handle. And besides, this isn’t the best spot to be hiring. Too many problems abound for my liking. Otherwise, the baron wouldn’t have reddened himself hiring these clowns.”
I gave the halfling a querying look.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean there’s more reasons than just stupidity for a baron to hire a circus to defend against an improbable onslaught of monsters.”
“Doubt is my response to that. But I’m willing to entertain any reason for the idiocy of the nobility. It shall be useful in lessening the pain when they do it again.”
The halfling offered a chuckle.
Yet this one was more devoid of mirth. His hands slowed as he assembled a new sandwich melt to be fought between the panther and Coppelia.
“I’m told something dark stirs in nearby Stermondt.”
“Something dark?”
“A fog brews, and from it, shadows darker than any illusions are found. Tales and rumours. A few whispers of doom. Hushed talk of things which are dead and things which should be dead. Things like that. The usual.”
I nodded.
Vague allusions to something dark and grim.
A serious problem. Had I known my mother was waiting in Stermondt to present me with another marriage suggestion, I’d have come better prepared.
“... Very well. Something undesirable awaits, but no matter. I intend to visit myself. And it’s not tales and rumours which concern me. It’s a lack of productivity. Would you happen to know what the current issues with Stermondt’s mines are?”
“I wouldn’t. Which is why I was planning on selling my goods there. I only know about a hole into the abyss. And that leaves a lot for interpretation.”
A hole into the abyss.
The same as what my father said.
Doubtless the cowardly merchants were fleeing in droves as a result of whatever calamity I would find.
But not every one, it seemed.
I studied the halfling carefully, before offering him a nod. A seal of approval worth its weight in gold.
“An entrepreneur. And one willing to take his cart where others won’t … less competition, I presume?”
The halfling raised two pairs of tongs, flashing his teeth once more.
“Caught red handed.”
“Then your boldness is a credit to the kingdom. There’s little worse than fear and rumours to stifle economic activity. The taxes you pay are crucial in helping to ensure the upkeep of the local regions bereft of income.”
“Ack, hack, uck … sorry, something in my throat. Uh, yeah, I agree with you there.”
The halfling smiled very brightly, forgetting the patty burning in a pot. The shadow panther decided to indulge in extras.
“Mrwwoer.”
“Your cat is going through my wares. You’ll need to pay for it, you know.”
I raised my hand to my mouth and smiled.
“Ohohoho, what a fine jest.”
“No, wait, I’m being serious.”
“As am I. This beast is not mine. It’s merely a stray that recognised my natural aura of warmth and empathy.”
Suddenly, Coppelia broke into a fit of coughing.
I looked at her in concern. She gave a smile and a thumbs up as she swallowed the last of her bites with a grimace. I had no sympathy. It was entirely her fault for chewing too fast.
However, seeing as her pantry raid was complete, I stood up.
“In any event, I take no responsibility for any loss of earnings through what a stray does. And so I bid you farewell. Do be sure to pass on my words to the baron.”
“Hold on.” The halfling raised a finger as it pushed away the panther attempting to lick his face once more. “Does your companion also count as a stray?”
I stopped, then frowned at Coppelia.
She answered me with a whistle.
Curious.
I didn’t know whistling sufficed as payment in Ouzelia.
“No, she’s my gluttonous handmaiden,” I said, rolling my eyes as I lifted my coin pouch. “One who is now in significant arrears to me.”
“I mean, you say I’m your handmaiden, but I haven’t been paid yet and–”
“One whose loyalty and excellent work ethics demands that as her employer, I magnanimously agree to pay in full any food items consumed tonight. Thank you for the passable service. Should I see your cart on the road once more, I shall make a better attempt at flight. This is an expense I cannot continually sanction.”
The halfling accepted the palmful of crowns I offered. He smiled without counting.
“You should look forward to next time, actually. You’ve earned a few stamps tonight.”
“Stamps?”
“Buy ten sandwiches, get one free. In fact, I might have enough ingredients left for you to immediately redeem it. Oh, and with a few more extras besides.”
Coppelia’s face lit up.
I decided to avert the crisis as I saw it speeding towards me.
“Let us depart,” I said, deliberately stepping away. “Stermondt awaits. And filling our stomachs to needless excess will not make the journey swifter.”
“Booooooooo~”
Coppelia pouted.
Eventually, she rose from her seat and offered a wave at both the panther and the halfling. A palm and a paw was returned to her.
I, meanwhile, only had eyes for the road ahead.
But I wasn’t unduly concerned.
After all, I’d just made an invasion of caterpillars, a dwarf, and a cart filled with sandwich melts disappear. A truly terrifying display.
And for my next act, I’d be doing the same with all my problems.
“Come, Coppelia! Something rotten wafts like the leftovers of cattle in the air! And if the citizens do not take it upon themselves to clean the filth upon their doorstep, then we shall … well, we won’t do it, but we’ll find someone who can!”
“Mmh, mmh~”
Coppelia nodded enthusiastically, her smile as needless as the gathering clouds upon the horizon.
Even so–
I endeavoured to continue onwards.
True, I didn’t know what awaited me on the road ahead. But it was largely irrelevant. No matter how fetid the sight, it would not be as foul as my ire.
Because if darkness lay ahead, then I would not wash it away.
No … I would simply paint over it with an even darker shade.
Black was, after all, my favourite colour.
Comments
phantom
Smart panther. It got employment where none was offered by that being the only method the halfling can get their money back.
The Magician
I mean technically speaking "her panther" didn't consume those patty melts. "The Panther" of it's own volition consumed those patty melts as a "signing bonus" to serve as protection for the purveyor of said patty melts. He is now the halflings first employee.
