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Chapter 137: Kingdom of Roses
🕑 Added 2023-08-12 23:23:14 +0000 UTCGrim.
I had no other verdict. It was hideous. A ceaseless, garish assault against the senses. And the first to be struck were my ears.
I was no stranger to fanfare, of course. Every step I took in the Royal Villa was preceded by lutes, harps, pipes and a veritable angel’s choir. But I was used to hearing it as a seamless chorus.
This?
Why, this was a brutal competition to see who could murder the sanctity of music first! And in this battleground of horrors, the only saving grace was that I could scarcely hear any of it!
“Hungry Hungry Hippogriff! Come escape from the jaws of the terrible Steelbeak! The faster you finish, the more prizes you win!”
“Apple Pie Surprise! Fabulous prizes to be won at the bottom of each freshly baked apple pie made every hour!”
“Sir Borund Hammerforge’s Strength Test! Match your might against the records of legends! Can you better Hammerforge’s score for today’s unclaimed grand prize?”
A horrifying experience.
All around me, a commotion to wake the night rang in my ears.
Though it was a common theme to have carnivals erected in my family’s honour during our visits to our domains, there was little reason to ever be so close to the delights of the peasantry. At least not without a row of knights blocking the way.
Indeed, witnessing the highly rudimentary nature of the activities on display, I was secure in the knowledge that my evenings spent reading in the royal carriage were far better spent.
After all, who with any dignity would wish to throw aside their meaningful time with such boorish, trivial entertainment? Certainly not those with a schedule.
Indeed, both myself and my loyal handmaiden were above such dallying.
That’s why, I barely offered a glimpse towards the flaming torch jugglers flagrantly disregarding the fact we were in the midst of a forest, their hazardous displays stopped only by Coppelia as she juggled twice the amount of instruments nearby.
Nor did I spare a glance at the young children laughing as they danced away from the jaws of some peasant in a costume, their movements stopping only to make room for Coppelia as she leaped effortlessly from stone to stone.
I didn’t look at the crowds gathering around a rotund man sat upon three chairs, the encouraging cheers as he ate through a stack of pies stopped only by Coppelia as she cast an imposing shadow with her greater pile of emptied dishes beside her.
I didn’t roll my eyes at the young men taking turns to impress the swooning town girls, their boisterousness as they struck a dial with a hammer stopped only by Coppelia as she flung hers down, sending a bell measuring the strike flying off into the distant horizon.
I didn’t frown at the circle of parents warmly encouraging their children to scoop up goldfish with a fragile net, their smiles stopping only by Coppelia as she flung goldfish after goldfish into a waiting bucket with the acumen of a veteran sailor using a trawler net.
Yes.
This was … well.
This was truly horrifying.
“Coppelia!!!”
“Present~” she replied, appearing beside me with a smile hidden by the towering armful of prizes she was carrying. “Hey, isn’t this great? Look! I won a life-size plushie of a fruit slime! Touch it, it’s really soft!”
“I’m not touching it.”
“Go on. Just once!”
“I refuse,” I said, touching it while she was blinded by her ill-gotten wares. It really was soft. “We’re not here to partake in the entertainment of commoners. Especially if it results in us being burdened with so much … clutter.”
“It’s loot, not clutter.”
“It’s clutter. Really now, where are you going to put all this?”
“It’s fine! I’ll put everything in the Clockwork Repository.”
“Your highly unexplained dimensional portal is, to my knowledge, used for storing forbidden grimoires and at least one large scythe. Is it truly an appropriate location to put salvage won in a peasant’s fairground?”
“Nope. But I’m doing it anyway! Oh boy, I’m gonna have one of those fun conversations when I send these through.”
Coppelia beamed with excitement, confirming our definitions of fun differed considerably, particularly in regards to these bizarre, ritualistic attractions.
I wrinkled my nose at a child tossing a horseshoe around a stake. Preparations for blood sacrificing a steed, perhaps.
I thought about Apple, safely left to eat the monster infested forest outside.
Not this one. I was still using him. And he hadn’t been groomed. Whichever god of poverty and farming these peasants served, I refused to contemplate the humiliation of a deity turning their nose up at my own horse.
“Yes, well, if you’re quite satisfied, then let’s continue. We have questions which the ringmasters here need answering.”
“Sure! I’m pretty satisfied. But that was just my turn. Now it’s yours!”
I crossed my arms.
“Coppelia, you cannot possibly be suggesting what I think you are.”
“All I’m suggesting is you have arms that aren’t carrying enough stuff to turn standing still into a dangerous trip hazard.”
“A freedom I enjoy. And will continue to do so. Now come. We have matters of importance to attend to.”
Coppelia flicked out her heel, motioning towards two men locked in a heated arm wrestle. Even from here, I could see the sweat bubbling on their faces.
“Things like showing off your hidden biceps?”
“My biceps will remain hidden, thank you.”
“You can arm wrestle children too. It’s a smaller prize, though.”
“As much as children deserve an early lesson in appreciating the overwhelming difference in strength between them and royalty, I shall still insist on passing.”
“Booooooooooooo~”
I raised a brow at her dissatisfaction.
I wasn’t moved, of course. But I was marginally impressed by how her boos seemed to possess its own echoing quality. Useful, come the time she booed at an appropriate time.
Why, with talents like those, I may yet bring her to the Royal Arc Theatre.
A still somewhat terrifying notion. But not nearly as much as standing still as my kingdom crumbled around me.
“Let’s continue. I’ve a schedule to keep. And that precludes winning whatever mud covered pebbles count as prizes amongst these peasants. Now, as for the giant frost … hmm?”
All of a sudden, my eyes caught sight of something both familiar and eerily disconcerting. An attraction unlike the rest, on account of it not immediately drawing nausea from me.
Indeed, whereas the rest of the circus was an array of mismatched colours like a rainbow which had forgotten how to function, this singular corner boasted an admirable field of roses.
Exceptionally large roses, actually. And moving, too!
They sprung from the grass at regular intervals. And yet it was what followed after them which drew my gasp of horror.
“C-Caterpillars … !”
My foe of foes!
Why, I could never mistake their malice, no matter what strange, balloon-shaped heads they possessed, nor what colourful smiles were painted upon them!
Giant, happy caterpillars, popping out from the grass!
A sight to make any maiden faint with horror. Were my heart not as sturdy as a knight’s shield, I’d find myself collapsing to the sight of so many colourful, beaming heads wobbling atop flimsy, papery bodies!
My eyes wandered over to the nearby sign.
WHACK-A-CATERPILLAR!
The Kingdom of Roses has been invaded by hungry caterpillars! Only you can save it from the greedy menace! Strike as many caterpillars as you can within the time limit! More hits means more points, but beware! Striking a rose will lose points too!
Adults – 8cc
Children – 4cc
I covered my mouth with my hands.
As a princess, I was frequently forced to shield my eyes against the blight that was modern gardens. Far too often did nobility attempt to drown their orchards in the colours of dancing peacocks, forgetting the beauty in modesty in the same fashion they did themselves.
But this!
This garden … this kingdom … it could yet be saved!
“Caterpillars … invading the Kingdom of Roses … !”
In that moment, a tiny voice called out to me.
A voice informing me that there was no such thing as the Kingdom of Roses.
It desperately sought my attention, its shrill words noting the unlikelihood that hungry caterpillars could bring down an entire realm. Or that any realm comprised entirely of roses could exist.
Several moments passed.
And then, the voice became steadily quieter, until all I could hear was the din inside my head, empty of anything except raw emotions of horror.
The Kingdom of Roses!
It was in peril!
“Hmm?” Coppelia swivelled around, peering past her tower of prizes. “Oooh, isn’t that cool? Hey, they’ve got a little mechanical garden! That’s so–”
“Horrifying! The Kingdom of Roses must be saved!”
Coppelia blinked at me.
“Eh?”
“Come, Coppelia! We shall not allow injustice to bare its fangs this day!”
“Hmm? Are you … wait, wait, wait, hold on a moment, you do know that’s just a ehhhhhh your sword?!”
I swept Starlight Grace from my side, righteousness burning in my wake as I marched over to the field. As I did so, mothers immediately picked up their children, eyes flaring in panic as they rushed to flee.
I nodded. A wise choice.
Clearly, the caterpillars had just begun their attack.
Why, if these innocents possessed even an inkling of the destruction a single one of these blighted insects could cause, then they would be escaping to the desert where scarcely a flower remained to be destroyed before their eyes!
Thus, with my noble sword in hand, I stood at the front of the field.
As I raised my sword, that little voice in my head appeared again, desperately querying why I was about to send a field full of balloon shaped caterpillars back to the abyss … but that hardly mattered!
After all, I was a princess, but I was also a gardener!
And when I saw the blackest of foes before me, all other considerations were tossed by the wayside!
I took in a deep breath, then began to swivel the tip of my blade.
“One blade, one will, ten thousand caterpillars upon the–”
“Excuse me! Excuse me!”
I frowned, not at all used to being disturbed in my urgent gardening.
Turning around, I noticed for the first time the young woman crossing her arms.
She wore a uniform consisting of stripes of clashing gaudiness. The same as those proudly painted upon every flag and banner hoisted from tent to tent.
“What are you doing?!” cried the attendant. “You can’t just walk right in like that!”
A moment passed. I turned towards the field.
“I’m rescuing the Kingdom of Roses from the hungry caterpillars.”
“Well, you’re going to have to pay the entrance fee if you want to do that! And use one of our mallets, too! … Wait, is that an actual sword? Were you going to use a real weapon on our gizmos? Do you … Do you know how much it’ll cost if you break any of this?!”
Suddenly, I caught sight of springs beneath the caterpillars and roses.
I stiffened as thought returned to my head.
My … My body moved on its own accord?!
Of course … there was no such thing as a Kingdom of Roses! And if there was, I would have personally entered diplomatic relations with them!
Goodness, this was highly unbecoming of me! I was about to send a corner of a circus populated by children into the world of oblivion!
And yet … And yet …
I bit my lips as a smiling, bobbling caterpillar sprung from the grass.
“I cannot let this be!” I said, immediately flinging a handful of crowns from my pouch. “I have my pride! Roses are my sigil and these dreadful insects are my foe! The symbolism cannot be ignored!”
The young woman looked patently alarmed as she juggled the crowns she’d caught. The others, she knelt down to retrieve.
However, after looking at the void which had previously been occupied by a small crowd and a modest queue, she sighed and pointed towards a table.
“Look! If you’re going to play Whack-A-Caterpillar, you need to play by the rules! That means no swords! Use these only!”
I duly assessed the available armoury.
A smattering of what were neither weapons nor gardening tools met my sight. Instead, they were large wooden mallets, as cumbersome in appearance as they were in size.
I was aghast.
How was I supposed to [Spring Breeze] with this?!
“What is the meaning of this?” I queried the woman at once. “These caterpillars are springing at a pace far beyond measure! How is one supposed to wield these ungainly instruments to strike at such crafty opponents?”
In response, the woman pointed at a small hourglass by her waist.
“Your time limit’s already started.”
I waited for her to amend her statement with something helpful.
She didn’t.
“Oho … ohoho … I see now how you fill your coffers. A devious ploy, to upend the purses of fools and children by offering a weapon with little practical application. You … You cannot fool my keen eyes.”
The woman stared blankly at me.
Understandable. Clearly, those who partook in this game lacked the insight to realise that defeating so many caterpillars in so little time was an unfavourable ask. That I could see through this shallow ruse made me a force of intelligence to be reckoned with.
And yet it wasn’t enough to merely know.
Fortunately, I was a princess. And that meant in ordinary times, a kingdom wasn’t meant to be saved by me. It was meant to be saved by loyal retainers.
That’s why–
As I approached the table, sheathing my sword as I went, it wasn’t to retrieve a mallet more suitable for hammering down fences than punting away insects.
It was to make a gap for me to sit upon.
I crossed one leg over the other.
“Coppelia.”
“On it!~”
My loyal handmaiden was already by my side, mallets in either hand and a tower of prizes dropped to the grass. The attendant looked on with confusion, the hourglass by her side already close to emptying.
A truly disgraceful amount of time. A con artist’s game.
Still, Coppelia didn’t move. I looked inquisitively at her.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“Nope. Just waiting for you to do the thing.”
I gave a small sigh.
There were times and places.
… And this was absolutely one of them!
I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
“Ohohoho … go forth, my loyal handmaiden, no, my knight! Destroy those who would harm a garden of beauty in my name!”
Coppelia raised her two mallets.
“Heheh~”
Moments later, I was treated to the sight of a crowd of onlookers assembling as swiftly as they’d left, their mouths opened wide as the clockwork doll adopted the poise of a dragoon knight of legends.
She leaped in the air, gallantly and very indiscriminately sending a pair of mallets crashing down through the earth.
Boooooomph!
All at once, springs, coils and balloons of smiling caterpillars burst like confetti, showering the appalled face of the attendant as she failed to shake her hourglass faster.
I leaned forwards slightly, elbow on my thigh as I rested my cheek in my palm.
A child’s game, of course.
And a scandalous misuse of my very important time.
Yet still … it was surely no wasted effort to maintain the morale of my loyal handmaiden?
And maybe, just for a few moments, it was possible I gleaned some small delight from these simple games of destruction.
I really shouldn’t, of course.
After all–
BWWRRRUUUUURRRRRRRR.
As I listened to the sound of a snort, a grunt, a trumpet or a combination of all three bellowing from the largest pavilion, I already knew this was merely a premonition of what utter calamities lay ahead.
I let out a sigh, then took in the nearby stack of prizes on display.
“What?” I said to the attendant, her eyes fearful as she followed my gaze. “I’m already here. It’s not as though I’m not going to pick something.”
Comments
The-Nowhere-Man
Have to wonder what her opinion on the adult butterflies are?
Alexey Gladkich
Obsessed with beautiful flowers, and protecting them from the hordes of evil caterpillars and other villanous bugs.
Arkeus
Man, she must have been obsessed with caterpillars back when in her garden
