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Chapter 164: Old Ladders, Same Cats
🕑 Added 2023-10-06 23:00:02 +0000 UTCHere in the guild hall of the Stermondt branch of the Adventurer’s Guild, I wept for the souls of those present.
Men and women whose dereliction of morals had blackened their souls so poorly that no light could ever reach them.
Instead, they repulsed everything around them like an alchemist’s miasma.
Nothing could penetrate the fumes of total impropriety. Neither the meanderings of conspiracy nor the cries of the helpless. And I despaired at the thought that even if I hadn’t come to disperse the machinations of the drooling sister, the stench from these adventurers eventually would have.
It was ghastly. All the subtle aromas of debauchery mixed with laziness to form a cocktail of questions regarding how they earned a sustainable income, how they satisfied themselves with their low quality of living, and most pressingly of all, how they remained alive.
“Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! … Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!”
My hands covered my mouth.
Everywhere I looked, evidence of indecency was present.
From the man attempting to replace the lid of a keg with his buttocks, to the woman attempting to hoist the keg with him atop it, to the other man that same woman was about to throw the laden keg towards.
An unacceptable state of affairs.
Why, if these layabouts had time to shed all veneer of basic etiquette, then they also had time to battle against the shadows which threatened my kingdom!
Yet no matter which direction I sent my horrified gaze at, hooligans and deadbeats careened like crashing ships, their tankards coming together to a cry of slurred speech and indecipherable song. They jeered as they danced, each hoodlum escaping their own worthlessness by straying further from the guiding hand of law and order.
An ordinary guild hall filled with ordinary adventurers.
A regular fixture no matter if crime ran rampant in the streets, pirates threatened the shores or a holy conspiracy laid low an entire town.
And even in my vaunted wisdom … I had no idea how.
“You,” I said, snapping my fingers at the nearest lout. “Question.”
A man paused, two steins overflowing with froth dribbling to the floor. He blinked at me, having not been addressed by someone not also drinking … that in years.
“Me?”
“Yes. You. No, you need not approach. Maintain this exact distance. I have a query.”
“Oh, the ale kegs get refilled every fifteen minutes.”
I raised my arms in exasperation.
“Why is that an answer to any question?! No, I wish to know how you fund this debaucherous lifestyle of yours!”
“This what?”
I gestured at the steins in his hands.
He blinked, then offered one towards me. I batted Coppelia’s hand away as she reached for it.
“This. You consume alcoholic beverages by the barrels and gorge yourself on … well, I won’t call this food. But even the least of peasant fare must be accounted for. How do you afford this?”
The man looked around to see if anyone more qualified could answer.
He found nobody.
“Uh, well, we kill wandering monsters and fetch the odd lost cat.”
“I see. And what about Stermondt? What of the town which hosts you? It has been plagued by shadows and fog. Why was I required to fix this issue?”
“Oh, did you fix it? … That’s great! Man, the amount of times I’ve bumped my head on the way home. It’s been killing me. Thanks a lot!”
My mouth widened in outrage as the man beamed, froth spilling from his steins.
“Why are you thanking me?! Are you not an adventurer? Why do you feast and loiter while failing to lift the darkness on your accord?!”
The man gave a carefree shrug.
“Lifting darkness takes time. It’s not really worth the money.”
“So crowns is your wish. Very well. Then what of the reward for such a task? The prestige of overcoming challenges? The joy of rising to the summit of … what do you call it, the oldest ladder?”
The man looked bemused.
“The oldest ladder is called that for a reason. It’ll always be there. And tomorrow I’ll have climbed it a bit more. Especially once I find Truffles the ginger tabby.”
I could feel all the strength in me being drained.
Who knew that the true vampire’s touch could be found in the words of the least ambitious adventurers of the land?
“I saw Truffles,” said Coppelia, leaning past me.
“What?” said the man, losing another 20% of his beverages. “Where? Are you sure?”
“Ginger tabby. About this big. This high. He’s in that barrel right there.”
Coppelia pointed at the barrel stuck to that one lout’s backside, now rolling freely across the floor.
The man cursed, looked for somewhere to put down his steins, then left with them anyway. Within moments, a heated argument arose as multiple parties laid claim to the barrel. And then a brawl began.
I turned to Coppelia.
“Is there a tabby in there?”
“Nah.”
I nodded.
And then I promptly strolled through the halls of this guild hall, doing so in the sad knowledge that I’d bested the errant sister before she had the opportunity to cast her [Illuminating Dawn] on whatever was sticking to my boots on the floor.
I paused for a moment. A notice on the wall caught my attention, stamped with the emblem of the Miner’s Guild.
I ripped it off and offered it to the waiting receptionist, planting it upon her desk.
“Greetings!” said the receptionist, her sitting posture immaculate as she offered a professional smile. “Welcome to the Stermondt branch of the Adventurer’s Guild. I see you’ve removed the commission from the wall. Please don’t do that. All notices are required to be readily accessible by every adventurer.”
I peered closely at the receptionist.
A different face. But the same smile.
It was, frankly, as uncanny as it was mildly impressive how they plucked their receptionists from the same clutch of eggs.
How fortunate for the brewing industry that the Adventurer’s Guild chose not to ensure their adventurers were recruited to the same standards. Ale makers everywhere would find themselves penniless overnight.
“That won’t be necessary,” I said, regally poking at the notice. “Ohoho … behold, unnamed receptionist #3! I’ve successfully answered the request of the Miner’s Guild. The evil in the mines was an imprisoned vampire, whose very presence at the bottom of the hole was being extorted by a wayward sister of the Holy Church in a convoluted plot to generate income for the local chapel through the associated tourism industry raised around said vampire in a hole.”
I waited for the appropriate look of fainting awe.
Instead, the receptionist nodded and smiled. She did not even blink.
Truly a respectable foe, as they all were. If I had one speck of gratitude to offer to the Adventurer’s Guild, it was for removing these unflappable individuals from the pool of potential rival court advisors.
“Excellent,” said the receptionist, smoothing out the wrinkles from the notice. “The original commissioner has already verified the completion of the request. To confirm, both the sister and the vampire being extorted for monetary gain have been subjugated?”
“You may rejoice. Stermondt will no longer be troubled by them.”
“That’s wonderful. If you could please present your guild ring, I can attribute the completion of the commission.”
I removed the copper ring disgracing my finger, then planted it upon the receptionist’s waiting palm.
“[Identify] … [Imbue].”
A warm light seeped from the receptionist’s hand.
A moment later, she offered it back to me.
And just like that, it was done.
I waited for the trumpets to sound as I returned the thing to my finger. For the deadbeats to rise as one from their semi-conscious heap upon the floor. For the townspeople to flock like swans to the madeleine cakes I tossed from my window just because I could.
Nothing.
Even as I’d become familiar with the process of having my noble deeds documented, I couldn’t quite comprehend the utter lack of ceremony involved.
Still, the receptionist didn’t add anything. Her only response to my unimpressed reaction was to lean to the side, retrieving a small pouch from behind the desk where I very much doubted any crowns existed.
Even so, it jingled merrily.
And that was a problem.
Because an immense quantity of crowns shouldn’t make any jingling noises at all, but instead a muted cry as it struggled under its own weight.
“Your reward,” she said, placing down the modest pouch before me. “47 gold crowns, as detailed in the commission.”
I blinked at the pouch. And then I tapped my ears.
Distressing. I didn’t know it was possible for both my eyes and ears to fail me. And yet here I was, hearing and seeing a reward which was only great if awarded to a jester for performing a quadruple roly-poly on the first attempt.
“Excuse me?”
“Your reward.”
“I believe a mistake has been made. This is scarcely more than I received for the disposing of a dryad, and significantly less than what was earned for rescuing a warehouse full of cats.”
The receptionist peered at the notice on her desk.
“The reward of 47 gold crowns is accurate, as detailed in the original request.”
I lifted the flimsy piece of paper at once.
To all able adventurers!
An unknown evil has taken root in Stermondt’s mines. Should you have the heart to brave the darkness and see out this threat, the gratitude of the people of Stermondt and the Miner’s Guild will forever be given.
Please see reception at the Stermondt Adventurer’s Guild for additional information.
C-rank, 47gc.
I slammed the notice back onto the desk.
“What is this?! Why is this a C-rank request?! In what world does a vampire in pink pyjamas and a smirking sister bleeding golden blood command such a low level reward?!”
The receptionist smoothed out the wrinkles on the notice again.
“The information in the commission didn’t specify what the evil was. In cases such as this, both the commission rank and corresponding reward is based on precedent. Should the threat be greater than anticipated, it would be up to the discretion of any private commissioners to offer a correspondingly elevated reward.”
I could scarcely believe it.
“Are you telling me that my efforts tonight amounted to less than rescuing cats?”
“Quantity needs to be taken into consideration. Rescuing an entire warehouse is a notable feat, as I saw from your commission history.”
The receptionist smiled at me, the veneer of professionalism breaking as her eyes twinkled with a moment of personal appreciation. Considerably more so than from the news that I’d rescued Stermondt from the grip of conspiracy.
Suddenly, the lout wishing only to rescue Truffles the ginger tabby wasn’t quite such a travesty.
This … This reward discrepancy!
Why, it was so severe that rescuing cats was more efficient than rescuing kingdoms!
An utter shambles! An insult to common decency!
I refused to accept it … and until I received the reward appropriate for my very busy time, I would not be leaving!
“Aww~” said Coppelia, peering down at the disgraceful notice with a pout. “Does that mean you won’t promote her against her will this time?”
I blinked.
Suddenly, the darkness clouding my eyes parted to reveal a ray of undiminished sunlight.
“Excuse me?” asked the receptionist, tilting her head slightly.
“Promoting her. She’s a real rising star, you know? Does doing a C-rank commission mean you won’t promote her to B-rank?”
“I’m afraid that the rank of the commission would have been irrelevant, regardless of whether it was higher or not. While the accolades listed in the guild ring speak for themselves, I lack the authority to offer a promotion to B-rank.”
I could feel my eyes widening as the ray of sunlight now began to blossom.
And the imagery … why, it looked like hope.
“Explain,” I said at once. “Why do you lack the authority when your compatriots do not?”
“If you’re referring to my fellow receptionists, we have special dispensation to offer promotion up to C-rank should exemplary service merit it. Beyond that, promotions must be agreed upon by a convocation of guildmasters. For B-rank specifically, there also exists a strenuous trial required to progress further, which must also be granted by a formal convocation.”
My eyes blinked through the dazzling sunlight as I looked imploringly at the receptionist.
“Are you … Are you saying that my rise to the squalor of B-rank … expressly cannot occur without such a trial being passed? That it also requires the shuddering bureaucracy of an entire convocation of guildmasters to even approve?”
“Yes.”
The light.
It was … heavenly.
“Ohoho … ohohoho … ohohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!”
How … How wonderful!
For the first time … I … I have been spared!
“T-T-Thank you …”
A rare expression of concern flickered across the receptionist’s face as I leaned in to take her hand. She offered no resistance as I shook it again and again.
All the while, I offered a smile warm enough to match the light vanquishing all the darkness from my eyes while sending the hearts of all present fluttering.
“My … how silly of me to not take into consideration the nature of this commission! I am, of course, at fault for not reviewing the details myself! Naturally, it was my responsibility to ensure I was aware of the reward being offered! You’ve no need to feel aghast at this paltry sum offered, unnamed receptionist #3! Indeed, I’ve no desire for a greater reward, for your words are worth their weight in gold!”
The receptionist’s smile wavered as she lightly attempted to tug her hand away. I continually shook it instead.
“I … I see … I take it you are gladdened by the stringent requirements to safeguard the legacy of the higher ranks?”
“Quite so! In fact, I shall sleep easier knowing that under no circumstances will I ever rise in rank again! For there exists no world in which I would agree to undertake a B-rank trial. Even if all the guildmasters beg upon their knees while offering their firstborns as servants to be sat upon, I will never, ever partake in such a thing!”
The receptionist wore a deep look of confusion as I finally released her hand.
Understandable, of course.
To have one’s hand shaken by a princess was a thing so wondrous that it was a memory etched into the soul. Yet she could never have any understanding of the joy she’d brought me.
Thus, I took the paltry reward of coins from the desk, emboldened by the knowledge that receiving it wouldn’t draw me further up the ladder of shame and disgrace.
I offered a small curtsy to the receptionist, before turning away with a smile.
“Ohohohoho … a marvellous day, Coppelia,” I said as I skipped towards the door. “Though much harm has been brought upon my innocent heart, I stand taller having survived the ordeals, knowing that I will never again suffer under the shame of an Adventurer’s Guild constantly seeking to pull me into its fold even as I meticulously plan to destroy it!”
Coppelia puffed up her cheeks in disappointment.
My smile only became brighter.
“Boooo~ … well, I guess I’ve already laughed enough today … my tummy still sort of hurts from seeing a banshee exorcised with a haircut.”
“That wasn’t a haircut. It was a touching up of her dress. And also her face.”
“Well, it looks like you’re gonna need to do a lot more of that if you want to rise up the good ol’ ladder. You might be stuck at C-rank forever at this rate.”
“A shame. For them, that is. As for me, I’ve no wish to offer even a morsel of credibility to this disparate guild by rising further within it. I desire their crowns, not their acknowledgement.”
“All 47 gold crowns of it, too! That’s definitely enough to fill our bags with fresh provisions again, even though we haven’t used up our old ones! Want to go bakery scouting in the morning?”
I was appalled.
How was my farmboys-to-heroes stipend ever to reach a pile large enough to cause farmers to despair at the wealth discrepancy if my own loyal handmaiden insisted on upping her spending to match?
Indeed, as soon as we’d tossed away all our perfectly usable yet slightly wrinkled provisions for new ones, I’d need to speak to her about being more prudent with our finances!
But first … accommodations!
“Come, Coppelia, let’s find where we left Apple. I believe that was an inn beside the stables. If we’re fortunate, we might be able to secure 15 minutes of sleep before the horrors of whatever rodents residing in the ceiling wakes us.”
“Okie~”
Coppelia beamed as she skipped alongside me, appearing satisfied despite being denied another bout of amusement.
Naturally, being my handmaiden was all the joy she required.
Thus, I held my head high as I skipped the rest of the way towards the door, both the weight upon my heart and my footsteps lessened as the shame of rising through the ranks of the Adventurer’s Guild perished at last.
And nothing, I knew, would ever change that!
Comments
Chapter 110. She rescued a warehouse full of cats in Trierport!
Bio5631
I think I missed something, when did she save a warehouse of cats? What chapter l?
Arkeus
Poor Juliette under estimating her glorious presence's effect on the peasantry like guild masters
