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Chapter 133: All Roads Lead To Soap
🕑 Added 2023-08-04 02:12:52 +0000 UTCDisgusting.
My only thoughts were how, despite it all, that weird stain on the wooden floor simply wouldn’t go. It was absurdly stubborn. Like a peasant on its knees, pleading that it had a family to feed.
Beneath me, a cadre of ogre servants, each formerly a grizzled sailor, wept as they took turns running ragged pieces of cloth over the weird stain. Even beneath the keen daylight, I couldn’t identify it.
One of the ogres paused, lifting his cloth before his bloodshot eyes.
I raised a brow, puzzled over why he was studying the disintegrated and torn fabric.
After all, staring wasn’t scrubbing.
“Amazing,” said Coppelia, loyally standing by my side as we did nothing but watch the pitiful scene unfolding. “They’ve been scrubbing that same spot for 15 hours, 43 minutes and 12 seconds.”
“Yes. A terrible effort. They’re still several decades short of reinventing themselves in my eyes. They shall need to scrub harder.”
Coppelia nodded, then peered closer.
As her shadow stretched over the group, the sound of scrubbing notably increased.
“You know, I don’t think the stain they’re scrubbing is coming off.”
“A case of mind over matter.”
“No, seriously. I think it’s getting worse.”
“Nonsense. There exists no problem which cannot be resolved through strength of will. And that includes … really, just what is that stain? A ghastly, sludgy thing. Like a pet fruit slime melting before the eyes of public disapproval.”
“I think it’s tarred stuff that’s a bit sloppily applied.”
“Tarred … stuff?”
“Something to help glue the ship together.”
“I wasn’t aware you were so knowledgeable about these things.”
“I’m not. The ogres are all saying it’s tarred stuff that’s dried up and won’t come off while also crying and begging to be released from their torment. As in, right now. And also for the past 15 hours and change. You don’t hear it?”
“No. My ears naturally filter out the distressed cries of servants.”
“Oh, okay.” Coppelia paused. “... Really?”
“Yes. Wait a moment. I can fix this.”
I tilted my head slightly, pausing as I tried to recall the exact sounds I’d long ceased to pay attention to.
And then–
“Uuuh … it’s … it’s horrible … please … save me.”
“The pain … I can’t feel the pain … even the numbness has left me …”
“Are these fingers? I don’t think they’re fingers. My toes are on my hands. Why are there toes on my hands? …”
Hmm.
Curious.
It wasn’t as ear grating as I last recalled. Perhaps because these sailors sobbed with a modicum of restraint. The wailing was almost dignified. I could accept this. Maybe.
“That’s amazing,” said Coppelia, watching me with the correct amount of admiration. “You sure you don’t have any clockwork pieces in you?”
“I have things much finer than any engineering invention. My ears are crafted by years of royal tutelage, expectation and impatience. When attending a soirée, I’m routinely listening to 200 separate items of gossip. The mournful cries of attendants who do not scrub hard enough are not included.”
“That sounds like a lot. But I have no reference point.”
“It is and it isn’t. To my honed skills, no amount of conversation topics is beyond my ability to parse. And yet to my very busy mind, even a single rumour about some baron’s Ouzelian pigs being smaller than before is beyond my patience to handle.”
“Oh. You should tell them that’s normal.”
“Excuse me?”
“Our pigs sometimes become smaller. They get bigger again, though. You just need to wait. It’s a defence mechanism when they sense a dragon coming.”
A small part of me felt inclined to say something. And yet given the absurd dangers of Coppelia’s homeland, being able to shrink on demand seemed like a reasonable capability to demonstrate short of breathing fire.
Or simply escaping.
Indeed, Coppelia was very smart. And if these sailors wished to have even a fraction of my loyal handmaiden’s depth of wisdom, then they would seek to earn a living in my kingdom, where we welcomed all.
And all for the low price of their loyalty and taxes.
The ladder for these ogres began now.
“Miss … uh, Your Highness,” said the nearest scrubber, raising what remained of his ragged cloth. “We can’t clean it …”
“Excellent. You may continue.”
The ogre looked down at the weird stain, smothered in a lather of soap and tears.
“But … But we can’t.”
“Is that so? And why is that?”
“W-Well, we need to sand it. Scrubbing it won’t do anything …”
“Incorrect. Scrubbing promotes good work ethics. Namely, by demonstrating the consequences of forsaking your princess to the sad schemes of a man whose face can no longer be recognised.”
The ogre’s mouth widened. A hint of indignation crept across his face.
“But there was a huge ball of light! Half the ship was torn apart!”
I nodded.
True, he and a considerable number of his colleagues had abandoned ship to magic beyond their ability to defend against. Meaning they had wilfully cast aside my reasonable expectations for them to diligently suffer every peril which came their way while under my employ.
An insult to my authority. Just as this weird stain was. And I would have neither.
“Only half the ship was torn apart. The remainder was more than serviceable for you to cheer at my gallantry or gloat at my foe. Either would have been acceptable.”
“But–”
“But no. I require your excuses no more than your cowardice. Dereliction of duty is a capital offence. Only my soft and forgiving nature provides your motionless hands an opportunity to show repentance. If you begin now and prove yourself earnestly, then you may be released from your burdens.”
“R-Really?”
“Yes. You can scrub the other weird stain instead. The one in the galley.”
Fresh tears of joy began to form in the ogre’s eyes.
Indeed, if it wasn’t for my boundless charity, my need to retain sailing experience and a deep desire to remove this weird stain, I would have permitted all of these cowering ogres to have remained in the shallows of the water!
A point needed to be made. And since this one had been closest to the weird stain when he’d clamoured back aboard, he was now the designated scapegoat.
Instilling relief in others’ misery. A classical, time-tested tactic. The rest of the crew worked with passable efficiency, heads bent low as they relished in having won the lottery to escape arbitrary punishment.
In other words, it could always be worse.
Diiing … Diiiing …. Diiiing ...
Especially with time fast running out for this simple task.
Leaving the ogres to furiously scrub, I walked over to the side of the ship and peered over the ledge. I brought myself back almost immediately, assailed by the strong breeze.
In the near distance, Trierport’s harbour bells rang like the scavenging cries of the gulls circling overhead.
To return to my kingdom’s largest port with a bigger ship than the one I left with was obviously a cause for celebration. Unfortunately, the parade lying in wait wasn’t one for me to enjoy.
For one thing, those were not the bells of commoners ready to greet their princesses to a fanfare of confetti and ceremony.
They were a warning alarm.
A panicked cry to arms. And my eyes were already prepared to start rolling as I lost one of my remaining sails to an overly excited mage.
Also, the fact remained that no celebration was mine to enjoy.
Until the moment I returned to the Royal Villa in triumph, I would live a life of scarcity and duty, sleeping only in my portable magical bed and eating a simple diet of banana crêpes and hazelnut croissants.
Beside me, Florella appeared with both hands perched on her hair as she joined me in braving the wind.
“I expect the knights will be there,” she said, her dark hair fluttering like a flag regardless. “Hopefully, they won’t try throwing lances at us if we show our faces first. That’d be an awful way to go, wouldn’t it?”
“For them, yes. The horrors my ghost would instil. I’d never permit another night’s rest.”
Florella giggled. I didn’t know why. My ghost would bring fear into the undead.
“... Actually, I’m rather envious. To think that you would go on a royal tour of the kingdom before I did! Why, if I didn’t have a lovely new ship to manage, I think I very much would have enjoyed accompanying you for your remaining stops.”
“There’s little to envy. My royal tour lacks basic amenities. But such is the price of escaping from Mother and Father’s relentless pursuit.”
“I see … and it’s been several weeks since you embarked on this visit to the four corners of the kingdom?”
“It has. Even I cannot believe it. Mostly because I have strangely little sense of time. For one thing, I can barely remember eating any meals. And each time I try to, all that happens is … ughhhh …”
“J-Juliette?!”
“It’s … It’s nothing … a tummy cramp …”
“Oh no! Will you be okay?”
“I’ll … I’ll be fine … thank you … it happens when I delve too deeply into my mind.”
Florella looked at me with grave concern, before her eyes lit up with motivation.
“I don’t understand what that means … but I’m cheering for you! And I shall do my part too! While I’m in Trierport, I shall organise what I can to see away the dregs of piracy on our coast once and for all. At last, I can look forward to a meeting with Trierport’s leaders which won’t result only in my apologies.”
I nodded. The knowledge of Trierport being in my older sister’s care was far more comforting than my hands upon my stomach.
In her hand, she held up the compass looted … no, requisitioned from Background Tree, currently tied up in the dingiest corner in the hold.
“That island will also need renovating,” she said, examining the dial. “Quite severely, judging by what snippets I saw.”
“Renovating?” I queried, shocked at the suggestion.
“Complete demolition, followed by a rebuilding.”
“Oh. In that case, I agree. In fact, I’d like to suggest a simple flag as a replacement.”
“I was just thinking the same. Except it seems a waste to only have a flag there. A small island in the middle of the sea may not have much purpose for us, but I believe with a touch of imagination, it could be put to admirable use. We can hardly abandon our own soil, can we?”
I nodded, and after a moment’s thought, raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
“Ohoh–ahem. A suggestion. If you’re to take possession of that barren rock, then I have a wondrous idea for how its joyless backdrop and draining atmosphere could be utilised to its full potential.”
“Oh? I would love to hear it!”
“A soap workshop.”
“Excuse me?”
“A soap workshop. Specifically, one where all the miscreants, knaves and hoodlums of our kingdom can be deposited, away from the public eye, with no possibility of escape, and absolutely no leaving until they’ve crafted a sufficient number of bars.”
“You wish to create … an island prison, dedicated to crafting soap?”
The pace of my nodding became so vigorous I experienced nausea.
Frankly, I’d never been so certain of any idea! I’d scoffed at Background Tree’s wish to create an island paradise for himself. But even vagrants occasionally had the right of it.
This would be a faraway utopia, filled to the brim with bubbles of freshly crafted soap as they mixed with the tears of hooligans!
Florella, for her part, tilted her head as she hummed.
“Hmm … it’s certainly true that our current prisons are prone to bouts of escape. And we do lack many exports outside of pianos. I wouldn’t have necessarily thought of bathing products as our next investable industry, but perhaps it’s not the most farfetched idea. The rocks on that island are certainly worth exploring. Perhaps they hold mineral properties? They may be volcanic in origin.”
I covered my mouth in amazement.
Mineral properties?! Volcanic origins?!
Oho … ohoho … ohohohoho … ohhohohohohohohohohohoho!!!
I started hopping on the spot.
This … This was it!
The start of my new soap empire! An industry base unrivalled across land and sea! It … It was as though fate itself was nodding along with me! I could feel it!
A distant, secluded island of pure joy, where rogues could be sentenced at will to serve out their rehabilitation while also providing valuable goods to the same kingdom they harmed!
Justice and economy, hand in hand!
“Ohhohohoho–ahem, yes, I believe this is a wondrous use of that barren rock! In fact, I suggest entreating the merchant guilds to begin work on such a plan immediately!”
“Immediately?”
“Yes! They will no doubt desire a hefty share of the profits, but as prisoners have neither rights nor wages, I’m certain we have room to convince even the most miserly to invest in our soap prison island!”
Florella offered an amused smile.
For a moment, I was deathly afraid she’d offer a point of contention, citing her considerable experience with the many guilds she conferred with.
Instead, she gave a soft laugh and nodded.
“Mmh. If it’s my little sister asking, I’ll do what I can.”
I was overwhelmed with joy.
To think that such a tiring excursion would result in the foundations of my vast soap empire finally coming to fruition!
Why, this made everything worth it!
Ohohohoohohohohoho!!
Naturally, this was my intention from the beginning! It wasn’t enough that I fixed my kingdom’s ills! In order to maintain my quality of life without needing to lift a finger, I had to ensure additional income streams were guaranteed!
“I shall leave it in your capable hands! I have no doubt that both Trierport and the Kingdom will flourish with you overseeing our verdant coast, and now a piece of our rich land far beyond it. I shall begin senten … sending people there immediately!”
Florella continued to smile, although I didn’t fail to see it quiver somewhat.
“Well, it appears I have quite a few busy months ahead. And while I’m gladdened that they’ll be more joyful than the ones I’ve recently experienced, I’m rather upset I’ll be seeing you on your way.”
“Then I shall not leave you entirely to work and sadness. I’ll first bleed the Adventurer’s Guild dry to finance our new soap industry. I have a reward to claim.”
Even more so with my famed negotiating skills.
After all, I’ve brought more than the flagship of the pirate fleet as my prize. I’ve also brought back a rescued princess.
We were worth more than the removal of any existential threat!
Diiing … Diiiing …. Diiiing ...
“Come, Coppelia!” I called out as Trierport’s harbour approached. “We shall make our way out through the hole in the side of the ship!”
“Okie~”
Coppelia hopped down, having watched us while lounging on a makeshift hammock. The smile she wore was even wider than my sister’s.
Still, neither of theirs was greater than mine right now!
“The hole?” queried Florella. “How come?”
“I’m still masterfully incognito. It won’t do if I leave this ship only to be hauled back by Mother and Father’s waiting knights.”
“Hmm … I haven’t heard anything about my knights searching for you, though?”
“Naturally. Our knights are sworn to our dear parents, not us. They would not betray their secret orders to safely escort me home at all costs.”
“... Do you think it might be possible that they are quite willing to let you explore?”
“What? Of course not. They would never simply allow me to wander around the kingdom as I pleased. The amount of fireballs I’ve evaded is reason enough. No, that’d be inconceivable. For all their faults, they are still responsible and dutiful.”
Hmm?
What’s this?
Florella’s smile suddenly became very hard … even as the edge of her lips began to violently twitch!
“You’re right,” she said, after a long pause. “They would never willingly allow you to endanger yourself. I’m certain the knights are searching for you at this very moment.”
I nodded.
No doubt Mother and Father’s personal knights were trawling the countryside for any news of my presence, especially after the letter I sent.
Be that as it may, I would not falter now!
“I’m well on my way to completing my royal tour. As such, I refuse to return until I’ve seen to the state of the kingdom and we can safely import daily pillows from the Summer Kingdoms again.”
“Pillows?”
“F-For father, of course! You know how his back has been recently …”
“Ah, of course. You’re so caring, Juliette. We’re fortunate to have you in our family.”
I glanced to the side for no reason whatsoever … then returned to looking at Florella as I was met with the unnecessary sight of Coppelia’s giggling.
“One last thing,” I said, raising my finger. “I would like to suggest this ship be renamed The Gentle Princess.”
“The Gentle Princess?”
I nodded.
“I believe it to be a fitting name to commemorate our new ship. After all, what are we, if not gentle?”
Florella paused, her smile taking on a curious hue as she studied a random cloud.
“Oh … I quite agree. We’re but maidens and gardeners, sweeping up leaves and bits of rubbish as we go along our day. Although I dare say you’re slightly better.”
“Nonsense. Your pomander bouquets are exquisite. I can only hope to craft my floral arrangements as well as you do.”
Florella raised an eyebrow as she glanced at me.
“Floral arrangements are one thing … but gardening, I believe, is much less related than even I had thought.”
“Excuse me?”
Florella smiled. She wore a musing expression as her eyes scanned the harbour now coming clearly into view.
“Hmm … was it a trick of the eye, I wonder … ?”
Comments
The Magician
You know, I can imagine all the brigands on the soap making island actually being happy to have the job. They're there, no one is going to attack to cause them problems, no one has to fight for survival, and most importantly, for the first time in their lives all of them are Clean. The mandatory luxury of hot-water baths before and after work and the clean quarters are truly something that could grow upon a brigand and rehabilitate them.
Tarmandan
Okay, so Florella saw that Juliette did something, but she couldn't make out any details.
Just Juliette, thankfully.
Pratish Sungum
So gardening with a sword is what Princesses do in this Kingdom?
