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Chapter 130: Background Tree
🕑 Added 2023-07-28 01:41:29 +0000 UTCAs a princess, I had plans.
Big plans. Grand plans. Plans so extravagant in scope that nobody other than myself seemed to understand them.
Of course, not all of my plans bore fruit.
Sometimes, they were a catastrophic disappointment.
My plan to insidiously expand my orchard by planting beautiful wildflowers also classed as perennial weeds? Terrible. The flowers didn’t grow outwards. They grew inwards, ignoring the paved lanes of the Royal Villa to harass the tender grass instead. I admit my fault. It was not my finest decision.
But my plans to utilise this commandeered galleon and its crew of cowardly ogres as my new summer retreat, soap export and import trade vessel and also flagship of a navy now powerful enough to ward away the pirates leeching our shores?
Impeccable.
Why, there was not a single error with my plan. It was simplicity in its finest. And that meant even the stressed stewards I sometimes explained my plans to when I was feeling generous wouldn’t be able to cough while looking away.
All I had to do was deliver the vessel to Trierport and allow … someone to handle the needless details! Everything else would fall into place, as was only right when I personally put my seal of approval on anything.
That’s why–
“Pffft, pffft, geh, blehh.”
I was very displeased.
Because instead of standing atop my unnamed ship’s bow, impressively pretending that the salt air wasn’t tickling my nose while I tossed stale teacakes into the water, I was instead blowing a tuft of my dark bangs from my eyes.
My vision finally free of my hair, I peered at a deck now missing half its varnish.
Above me, floating embers danced beneath the ceiling of the cove, twinkling like stars against a dark sky before fading to ash as they fell.
The fate of all sources of light which weren’t me. Including, very soon, the smiling man in golden lamellar armour lowering himself in the air before me.
The local jester had returned.
And he’d brought a bag of tricks.
Far from proving his demise as he toiled wherever in the water he’d landed, his armour radiated with magic so potent that even my untrained eyes could see it. It crackled like a divine storm, white bolts flickering from each scale like its own thunderstorm.
I scowled as I surveyed the man’s glowing silhouette. And not just because it was alarmingly harsh on my eyes.
Of all the crimes he’d committed in the past minute, attempting to murder me ranked below the very fact of his existence.
“You!” I said, pointing even as I lay prone on the floor. “How dare you reappear after I’ve blown you away! That counted as a defeat! It is unseemly, undignified and against all established norms to return immediately! There is a minimum time requirement! At least the mage in scandalous underwear waited until I was halfway across the kingdom before she reappeared! This is utterly classless! Where is your shame?! The embarrassment?!”
Indeed, even with my highly discerning mind, I failed to comprehend the sheer crass displayed before me!
This was not complicated!
The Golden Clown hadn’t even completed a full sentence yet! He was utterly irrelevant! An obstacle with as much weight as the moss on the ship! If he had any shred of dignity, he would have accepted his immediate loss and never returned!
Instead, this socially inept buffoon merely chuckled.
“My apologies, but–”
“Stop.” I held up my hand. “Not only did you crassly invite yourself, but you also did so too early. There’s an order to things. Seeing to the state of my sister, my handmaiden, my ship and then the needless complaints of every peasant in the world takes precedence over you. You shall have to wait.”
Ignoring the look of mild indignation now joining the man’s smile, I steadily rose to my feet and searched around me. Immediately, I was forced to bat away the bits of smoking debris threatening to waltz down on my head.
The remains of one sail and half a deck.
And my patience. All of which this man would reimburse me for.
In fact, the only thing he didn’t need to pay for was the table.
The gâteau au yaourt may have been a waste, but the cedarwood it rested upon was not.
Surprisingly, the table had not only survived, but continued to do its job.
The table which Coppelia had requisitioned for her own safety now appropriately covered Florella’s head instead, apparently having flipped over during the strike.
But just in case that wasn’t enough, there was now the clockwork doll who sat on it while idly swinging her legs. A plate of salvaged breakfast muffins rested on her lap, which she munched on while watching the proceedings.
I smiled with pride.
Why, as expected of my diligent attendant! She’d correctly read my wishes and prioritised defending my sister over coming to my aid!
“Miss Coppelia,” came Florella’s voice as she peeked between the swinging legs. “Are you not my sister’s handmaiden? I believe a confrontation with the Golden Prince is about to occur. Should you not be assisting her?”
“I am assisting her.”
“Oh … truly? It appears as though you’re eating.”
“A feint. I’m preparing my special move.”
Florella paused.
“I know I shouldn’t query, what is your special move?”
“It’s catching her when she does the thing.”
“Excuse me? What is the–”
“Shhshhshh, it’s about to begin!”
I let out the world’s smallest sigh as I scheduled an important meeting with Coppelia about my expectations of her. One which I already knew she’d miss.
“Your sister? … So I see.”
Before me, the buffoon’s flippant smile gave no indication he’d only just returned after being punted like an errant fruit slime. Or that he’d be returning as soon as I found a way to distract Florella from seeing my less than gentle side.
“You are certainly beautiful,” he said, his short bow nullified by his levitation spell increasing to make up for the small loss of height. “Although I cannot say that you share the softness of your sister’s eyes. They have a gentleness to them which does not suggest a penchant for immediately lashing out at unarmed foes. But that is no poor trait. Indeed, it is a pleasure to meet you, for you are as formidable as the stories would suggest … Princess Clarise.”
My mouth fell wide open.
Suddenly, I could feel my entire body quivering.
The … The nerve of this man!
To speak my name wrong, and in the process speak the name of my other innocent sister as well! Such a thing was worth at least ten capital crimes!
“Thus, allow me to formally introduce myself, so that we may speak as one royalty to another. I am called the Golden Prince. A title and a name as decreed by custom in my homeland, until the day I no longer have a ship to call my own.”
He smiled, extending his arms outwards at the ship he very much did not call his own.
“Fortunately, that day isn’t today. And so I must apologise. As you are currently trespassing on the Golden Pearl, I must insist that you be shown inside until such time that I can decide how best your safety can be secured–along with Florella, of course, who I also offer my apologies to. Had I known she was here, I would have held back my strike.”
The man duly sent my sister a smile.
Crack. Crack.
Almost immediately, I heard a bizarre noise coming from under Florella’s table.
I quickly shook my head at Coppelia to stop swinging her legs. Clearly, the table was buckling under the stress!
“Your apologies are unnecessary,” I said to the useless man. “Any words spoken by a simple leader of thieves are as useful to me as a troll’s haggling tactics.”
“A simple leader of thieves? Come now. I believe myself to be quite multifaceted.”
“An apple is multifaceted. I can eat it, throw it and use it as currency with my horse. You I can only use as a doormat. And I have quite enough of them already.”
“Well now, should you cease openly wearing your intent to send me to the horizon again, I’d be delighted to explain how I’m slightly more complex than an apple.”
I rolled my eyes.
A different face. The same ambitions to be ignored.
I already knew there was nothing to explain. Here was a human puddle spilled from a well, his life’s goal to cause mischief by having someone slip on him.
“Please. You have some inane scheme to rise to power after having a taste of what your goons allow you. It is both dull and unimaginative.”
The man didn’t even bother to look indignant.
Instead, he merely shrugged.
“You are completely correct.”
“Therefore, if you think that you can … hm?”
“What?” The man held up his hands. “My personality is complicated, but my motivations are not. I desire fame, fortune and a life of luxury. And I intend to achieve it through the shortest path available.”
I scowled, knowing precisely where the arrows on the map were charted.
“A bold assertion to make before two princesses of the kingdom you seek to befoul.”
“Bold, yes, but also manageable. You’ll find schemers with grand designs for the world sitting in the White Citadel in Granholtz, the Sun Spire in the Dunes and the Palace of Laws in Rozinthe. But I’m merely content with one little island to call my own paradise. A modest dream, as far as villainy is concerned.”
“A modest dream. That much is true. Your paradise wouldn’t be frequented by the rodents which haunt my every ceiling. Perhaps if I spend a night here, I can finally be rid of them.”
“You’d be welcome to. And while you’re here, perhaps I can offer other motivations for my plundering of your fair kingdom? A tale of poverty, inequality and war rampant throughout my homeland, perhaps? A misguided goal to better the lives of those who must be fished from the sea to survive, even if I must dirty my hands to do so?”
“Do not mistake blitheness for charm. You brazenly admit to extorting, pillaging and robbing my kingdom’s peasantry. A task where your talents are utterly surplus to requirements.”
“Come now, I do a bit more than that. Did you know, for example, that this island is sinking at a rate of 200 centimetres per year? Luckily, the ample amount of soil from your shores goes quite some way to ensuring my plans for a world leading sewage system are now secure.”
I threw up my arms in outrage.
“You’re digging up my kingdom … to stop this barren rock from sinking?!”
“An island. Not a rock. It has vegetation and quite a few crickets, some of which are indigenous. Hardly barren.”
“I thought you were just digging for treasure!”
“Well, I was doing that, too. I just enjoy being efficient.”
I could scarcely believe it.
My kingdom, my fair fields … were being dug up for one man’s vanity project?!
Suddenly, darkness engulfed my vision even without my palms covering my face.
Only one speck of light made it through the grief. And that was the knowledge that I had at least returned to my kingdom swifter than expected.
Indeed … a barren rock this was, but if it had even a pinch of my kingdom’s soil upon it, then that officially made it my barren rock!
I glanced around the wet cove as light gradually returned to my eyes.
Then, I nodded.
I … I had no idea what to do with this information!
“Very well. Yet another reason to evict everyone from this rock. You, on the other hand, will regale your warden with tears of joy as your hands bleed from a hard day’s work in the soap mines.”
The man flicked his hair pointlessly behind him.
The absolute gall! Here I was kindly laying out his itinerary for the rest of his life, and he had the nerve to appear indifferent!
“I’m afraid wardens don’t enjoy the highest work satisfaction with me. You would be doing them a terrible inconvenience.”
“Then I shall lower their burden. Relinquish your armour, your valuables, and any notions of fairness in my kingdom’s justice system you have. Should the value of your equipment prove insufficient to cover the costs of repairs to my new vessel, I shall be seeking further reparation.”
“Really, that’s quite the insult. My armour does more than fit my roguishly good looks. It’s the last vestiges of a saintly crusader, blessed with holy magic and imbued with runic spells. And it works splendidly.”
“A pity for you, then. To be defeated twice while wearing it is an insurmountable embarrassment.”
The man broke into a good natured chuckle.
“Fear not, Your Highness. I do not intend to leave defeated. It’d make a poor impression on the same family I hope to join one day.”
I eyed him in confusion.
Then, I turned to my sister as a ghastly jolt of realisation struck.
“... Is this man truly suggesting what I’m thinking?”
Sitting comfortably beneath both the table and Coppelia’s still swinging legs, Florella gave an apathetic shrug.
“If he wishes to marry me? Of course.”
“That’s awful”
“Yes, but everyone wishes to marry me.”
“... That’s even more awful!”
I resumed my scowl at the man.
I could not rescue my gentle elder sister from all the marriage proposals in the world. That was her fate as 1st Princess.
But I could at least shoo away the worst!
“Very well, I cannot fault you for impossible aspirations. But I must decline on her behalf. You are a petty knave plying your trade in illicit activities, and thus unfit to wed a princess.”
“Yes, but I’m also a prince. And if I may say so, the most eligible bachelor in the Emerald Sea.”
“No, you’re a nuisance whose face I forget even as I speak to you.”
A pause met my truthful statement.
Then, the bout of indignation.
“I must say, even amongst princesses, I find you rather brusque.”
“Then allow me to correct myself. Not a nuisance. But a gnat seeking to force a part in a play already filled with leading roles. You are irrelevant. A minor extra with no presence. Yet I’m nothing if not generous.”
I clicked my fingers, then pointed at the pest whose title was the single largest source of grief present.
“Rejoice, you shall have a place on the grand stage, and the name I bestow shall reflect your contribution … henceforth, you will be known as Background Tree.”
Background Tree blinked at me, his permanent smile finally dwindling as he waited for the admission of a jest.
It never came.
“Excuse me?”
“My congratulations, Background Tree. May you strive to fill up backgrounds with dignity and pride. A thankless task, but an important one beyond your worth.”
“That will never stick,” replied Background Tree at once. “You cannot just–”
“Florella. Do you recognise this man?”
“Yes. He is Background Tree. I recognise him from the background.”
“Coppelia?”
“Background Tree~”
As agreement echoed around me, the mouth of Background Tree became wide enough to swallow even his own sense of worth. If slowly.
Then, a cold replica of his smile returned … as did his boots against the floor.
Clank.
However, it wasn’t because his levitation spell had been dismissed.
Rather, it’d simply failed.
Because in his hand, a spear of blazing magic appeared, its form crackling with tendrils of light which pawed at Background Tree’s armour as it sought to absorb whatever runes empowered it.
I leaned forwards, narrowing my eyes slightly.
“Interesting. Are you aware that from certain angles, your weapon looks rather like a tree branch?”
His only response was for a wrinkle to appear on his face.
And then–
He raised his glowing, branch-shaped spear.
Comments
phantom
Amateur. you are supposed to double tap.
phantom
I actually like this guy. he is simple and to the point. It is a good thing he is not recognized as an actual prince. the horror as that would make him a prince that lords over some of her land.
MrAcerulez
Stop stop! He’s already dead!
Pratish Sungum
From fruit slime to background tree, what a promotion!
