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Chapter 127: Even Trade
🕑 Added 2023-07-21 01:30:52 +0000 UTCI stood up, nodding sagely as I completed my thorough medical examination of the drooling mermaid before me.
After examining her blue fins, her pale arms, wrists, and the state of the mortifying dribbling from the edge of her lips, I summoned all the latent healing magic imbued in my angelic form.
Then–
I poked her in the cheek.
“Uhhh … unnghh … uuuu …”
Again and again, I offered her the poke of life as light returned to her glazed eyes.
From the edge of eternal embarrassment worse than death, the mermaid suddenly blinked, colour returning to her pallid face as she witnessed the wondrous sight of her saviour leaning in towards her.
A lot of colour, actually.
An extremely concerning amount. Especially once she lifted a finger to touch the drool leaking from her mouth.
She looked down, then planted her hands atop her face.
“Ah … Ahhh … Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!”
With humiliation ringing throughout her voice as much as her barely hidden expression, the mermaid leaped with astonishing dexterity.
Her destination–through the freshly made hole in the wall, and into the safety of the waters below where only our memories could judge her.
Satisfied with my healing touch, I peered through the same hole, then offered my condolences to the last of an unlikely marriage.
“My apologies,” I said to the crestfallen ogre captain behind his wall of cannons. “The mermaid appears to no longer wish contact with you.”
Captain Talrik gave a small sigh, then shrugged with commendable effort.
“That’s fine. Probably all for the best.”
“You do realise she attempted to have you eaten?”
“Love is never logical. Now, shall we begin again?”
“Certainly.”
I nodded, brushing the hair from my eyes as I stood upon the edge of my newly requisitioned galleon.
Below me, I witnessed the abyss lapping at the ship’s hull, its waves illuminated by the moonlight glancing upon the water’s surface.
Though not even out to sea, I could sense the merciless cold below. Few could survive the water’s grasp should they fall.
Which was fine. Since I had the balance of a practised ballerina. And if I could hold a perfect arabesque like a swan could maintain flight, then neither the pale breeze nor the row of cannons could cause me to falter.
Leaning out from the gaping hole, I peered to my sides to assess if any further damage needed to be billed to the captain of the opposing ship.
I spied at least half a dozen chips of paint.
Terrible.
Absolutely terrible, since it all had to go.
Really now! If he was going to erase part of the wall, could he not have destroyed the part which contained the name of the vessel etched in the hull? That at least would have earned my gratitude. Or at least the peasants tasked with scrubbing it off.
I already saw the workload they were going to need to endure for my sake.
A full renovation, including new furnishings, interior decoration and a new paint scheme. By the time they were done redoing the ship and fixing the holes, the salt of their tears would have irrevocably altered the ecosystem of the world’s oceans.
Ugh … I was going to have to ignore the complaints of an entire village of fishermen, wasn’t I?
Well, that’s as far as this would go!
One hole was a necessity, but two was an eyesore. I refused to accept any more blemishes– and given that the ogre penning me in from the cove’s entrance wasn’t indiscriminately launching salvo after salvo, he was apparently of the same opinion.
“Ahem … Captain Talrik,” I said, after a small cough. “My, what a surprise to meet you again so soon. I take it you’re here to deliver me back to Trierport?”
The ogre grinned.
Even from here, I could see the white of his teeth glinting with a mercantile spirit. Or perhaps more appropriately, a rogue’s bearing.
“That can be arranged, certainly. I can even have it done on my new ship.”
“Is that so? How well Lady Fortune looks upon you in the short hours I was gone. And what did it take for you to acquire a new ship? A sacrifice of lambs to the deities below, perhaps?
“I doubt lambs would do more than make them hungrier. They’re notoriously peckish. Those below can never be satiated. Merely appeased. No, I happened to come across a new ship by chance. Just now, in fact.”
I tapped the side of the hole I was standing in.
“If you refer to the … well, pretend I’ve decided on a name, then I’m afraid it’s currently under new management. The former owner mysteriously took leave, and I’ve taken it upon myself to see to its continued use.”
“Huh. Sounds like piracy to me.”
“I could only dare to be so bold, captain. Perhaps you could enlighten me on the specifics? I take it you have considerable experience on the matter?”
The ogre chuckled, straightening the collar of his scarlet jacket.
“Oh, sure. Though not as you suspect. I recognise the optics of this. Showing up with little notice and directing armaments at you is poor for my affable image. But I assure you that I do not hail from the same den as those you’ve so successfully run off, both here and in Reitzlake. Mine has better standards. Natural lighting and a cedarwood ceiling. No, I am no mere pirate.”
I creased my brows.
“See this? This is my frown. It is the most you deserve. If you wish to earn my scowl, then you shall need to inject a bit more ceaseless gloating in your betrayal of the trust I never once gave you.”
“... Really?”
“Really. A passable entrance should not be wasted on a muted performance. I refuse to entertain this treachery without at least a chorus of mocking laughter from your goons.”
The captain stroked his chin, hummed, then snapped his fingers at his crew.
They looked up from their cannons, confusion scrawled on their faces.
Then, after a glare from their captain–
“Bwaha … hahaha … haha?”
“Hah. Hah. Hah.”
“Hoo, hoho, aha, ohoo, hoo!”
I winced.
Dire. But when was it never?
Whether it from the lips of a mage who needed 20 minutes before the first proper cackle, or nobility who overextended their permissible gloating time, I was consigned to live in a world where the standards of my foes was akin to a stale mille-feuille.
All appearance. No substance.
“Very well. A shambolic performance. Especially from the one nearest the end–”
The ogre in question looked down in shame, his weasel-like laughter fading. A comrade patted his shoulder.
“–But we may proceed. So, what are you, Captain Talrik? A smuggler, certainly. You are no mere merchant. But what else? I can smell the ill wind blowing from you as much as I can the burned gougères on the floor.”
“Well, I agree I’m no mere merchant. I’m the finest of merchants. My wares are one of a kind, and I always ensure my clients are satisfied.”
“I never realised you were a travelling troll merchant. Since when have the caravans of Troll Country taken to the sea? Ill omens for us all, I suppose.”
“Alas, if I were a troll, I could earn thrice what I do with an honest living. No, young lady, I deal not in trinkets, but in persons of interest. I find those who are problematic to find. And then I return with them. Or their heads. Maybe an ear. Contracts vary.”
I wrinkled my nose.
“A thug for hire.”
“A bounty hunter, actually. And Trierport has truly tugged at the entrepreneur in me. 127,892 gold crowns and counting. Quite the sum, no?”
“Definitions vary. And it’s not Trierport which offers it, but the Adventurer’s Guild. I’m afraid the misers there would never part their crowns to a bounty hunter unless it was pried from their cold fingers.”
“True, the commission is for adventurers. But I’m certain an arrangement can be made with a poor D-rank adventurer. And it does not need to be you.”
I rolled my eyes.
Barely a step above 4/10. But a marginal improvement, at least.
“Better, captain. You’ve made the effort to dramatically corner me beneath a fine moonlit night. Do not fear. You’ve earned at least a few veiled threats before I start yawning.”
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to take up on that offer. I do this for professional gain, not for personal amusement.”
“How noble.”
“Quite. Although I won’t deny the satisfaction I have at seeing an unlikely plan come to fruition. I had little hope you would succeed. So out of respect to the needless insult, I shall offer a trade.”
I offered him a curated look from my library of disappointment.
#82. For instances where a baroness’s daughter had been caught frolicking with the stableboy. And it was only to fight over who could pet the new foal.
“A pity. You were doing well. If you wish to make me an offer I cannot refuse, then you should say it as such. These opportunities must be seized like the day.”
The captain almost looked indignant. Even so, he shrugged all the same.
“Very well. An offer you cannot refuse. I require the ship you are occupying as proof of bounty. In return, you shall receive half the reward for your involvement in this affair. A fair and charitable trade, given both my invaluable assistance in bringing you here, as well as our overwhelming differences in the number of cannons we have pointing at each other. And that is only the start of my kindness.”
“Of course. Please continue with the offer you have no intention of honouring and I’m only entertaining while considering how best to dispose of you.”
One of the ogres next to the captain sniggered. He ceased when a slap promptly struck the back of his head.
Of the captain, there was no hint of humour. The ogre’s smile diminished, leaving what remained as unfeeling as the waters beneath us. He wore a calculating gaze as he considered the sword in my hand, and then the other hole in the ship.
As he should, of course.
There were plenty of excess things I could punt.
And I’d begin with the yew coffee table Coppelia couldn’t part with.
“Young lady, I believe you underestimate my generosity and overestimate your own capabilities. This is not the land you find yourself on. But the waters where I make my home.”
“No, captain, I perfectly estimate your wish to not see my new summer holiday retreat scarred with more holes than necessary. And I assure you, no trade will be better than the one I shall offer you right now.”
“Oh? And what is it?”
“Flee quietly like a thief caught in the night, and I shall give you 15 seconds before I decide whether or not I actually allow you to escape.”
Now the captain laughed. It lasted barely enough time for his compatriots to join in the last few huffs.
“An interesting offer. But mine is far superior. Especially as you lack the crew and expertise to deny me anything at all. You’d do well to surrender this vessel. With me at the helm, you’ll have peace of mind knowing that my friendly smile is never far off.”
“Spoken like an actual troll merchant. Except you lack their charm. And their goods.”
“True, but what I have are cannons filled with fireball orbs.”
At once, the glimmer of flame lit up within the barrels of each cannon.
In the darkness, they almost appeared like candles coming to life. In actuality, they were infernos sparking in the bowels of a dragon’s throat. A lethal amalgamation of fine engineering and baleful magic. A promise of a swift demise.
And a sight worthy of my pause.
Why … the synchronisation was splendid!
He merely needed to give the cue! No hand waving and no elaborate gestures!
For all his faults as a failed merchant, this captain knew how to properly herd his goons! As a princess who suffered through the hardship of seeing a row of seasoned maids fail to even grovel in unison, this was a display to be admired!
… Perhaps too much so, given the sounds of relaxed munching nearby.
Glancing to the side, I witnessed Coppelia ready to come to my defence, wielding a bowl of mixed nuts in her arms. Together with my sister, they took turns popping pistachios into their mouths as they watched the proceedings with … yes, shameless excitement in their eyes.
“Juliette! She’s so … capable!”
“Eh? Is this new to you?”
“It is! Why, I’ve never seen her confront anyone longer than it took to berate them for a minor error she was probably at fault for in the first place!”
“Really? She does this all the time.”
“You cannot be serious! This is clearly a highly dangerous foe she contends with! An ogre with command of a ship lined with a deadly arsenal of weapons!”
“Actually, I don’t think she distinguishes between people like that. To her, everyone’s just a fruit slime.”
“A fruit slime?”
“She’s really fair that way. Mage in racy underwear? Fruit slime. Ogre with a ship? Fruit slime. Dragon with black scales and noxious lava dribbling from its maw? Fruit slime. I mean, I guess if you’re not her enemy, you can be a peasant. But that’s the two choices everyone gets.”
I pursed my lips, gallantly ignoring the cheek being committed by my own handmaiden. Besides, we all knew this was untrue.
I most certainly didn’t consider all my foes to be fruit slimes. Anyone who threatened my sister and the ship we hadn’t named had no right to be ranked as anything other than a flailing trout.
Still, a flailing trout with access to flaming projectiles.
A problem … for him.
Ohhohohohohohohohoho!
Because as it so happens, we were surrounded by more than water.
We were surrounded by the ruinous sea itself.
Indeed, this ogre merely sailed across it! He did not command it! He did not own it! He could merely pray that the storms and waves would not one day take him as it did so many others.
… And if praying was not enough, he could only ward against it.
I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
“Ohohoho … very well. I accept your offer. With one amendment.”
Captain Talrik raised a non-existent eyebrow.
“And what’s that?”
I held up the warding amulet I’d taken from the mermaid’s hand.
“I’ll be keeping this, as a memento of my ability to endlessly distract you from the underwater monstrosity circling underneath your vessel.”
For a moment, the captain’s eyes could only stare unblinkingly at the familiar amulet from his own personal chest displayed in my palm.
Then, his eyes widened as he finally found the bubbles in the water.
At once, the entire weight of the Henrietta shifted beneath a sudden wave. A loud groan reverberated throughout the air. And not all of it from the creaking hull of his tired ship.
The waves failed to subside.
Instead, the horrific silhouette of some giant, curling arm from a children’s horror tale reached up from behind the ship, its grotesque form blocking out the moonlight as it hovered over the deck of a now very minuscule ship.
Water dripped like a sudden monsoon over the pallid faces of his sailors. And then something else entirely.
Something which burned through the masts of the ship like dollops of acid through wool.
All of a sudden, another arm appeared as the echoing groan intensified. And then another. And another.
For a moment, Captain Talrik’s mouth quivered to the sight of so many nightmares bearing down upon him. Yet no sound came out. No orders to bring the cannons about or to lift anchor.
Instead–
I bore witness to the sight of an entire crew of ogres diving in impeccable synchronisation towards the entrance of the cove, more majestic and graceful than even an entire pod of leaping dolphins.
I gave it a moment’s thought. And then I nodded.
My, how very rare.
A perfect 10/10.
Comments
Alexey Gladkich
I don't think Florella knows anything about the newly hired troll guard since she hasn't been to the Royal Villa for a while.
The Magician
The ogres were splendid. Also I like that Juliette considered the Mermaid Princess Rochelle to be a fair enough maiden to be worthy of being poked in the cheek back to consciousness. Also really really like her big sister finding out that not only is her anti-social little sister actually supremely confident and competent in addressing and confronting foes and engaging in negotiations also in suddenly witnessing that it is not just a Troll Door Guard, a lazy old horse, an incredibly rare exquisitely crafted Clockwork Doll handmaiden, and a mythical grade sword in her employment but now a Kraken of the deep is part of her arsenal. Also I REALLY REALLY like those small moments of admiration and respect Juliette gives to the Captain and his Shipsogres in their phenomenal teamwork and synchronization. Perhaps they do have a future working for her as her personal synchronized diving and swimming exhibition team.
Alexey Gladkich
I really like the approach. While she can easily win with sword... *cough* garden techniques. She much prefers winning with wit as that is far more graceful.
