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Chapter 126: Under New Management
🕑 Added 2023-07-19 01:14:23 +0000 UTCOf all the barometers measuring the difference between royalty and those who would claim to be royalty, nothing was more telling than the loyalty of retainers.
Even were the worst to pass and a peasant wielding a pitchfork sat upon my kingdom’s throne, all who had ever served under my family’s employ would still work diligently to defend our honour–whether or not we were there to witness it.
Indeed, from the spotty stableboy to our most gallant knights, the dignity and wrath of my family’s name would continue to echo in the actions of our loyal followers long after we’d been swept away by the tides.
They would not, for example, see my father punted through a wall and immediately begin looting the very place they were tasked with protecting.
After all–
That would be something pirates would do.
“Back off, old hag! I saw it first!”
“Move! Or I’ll club you like I did your aunt’s favourite ferret!”
“Mreow! Hisssss!”
Vases, busts, flower pots and the podiums they sat upon were swept away in the arms of guests, guards, and at least one territorial cat.
A grim sight.
As I glimpsed women in bouffant dresses tackling men in tailcoats for the right to make off with furniture, I realised I was witnessing a prediction of a future should I fail in my sacred duty.
Lawlessness. Anarchy. All pretence to society lost.
Around me, pandemonium broke out as my clear expectations for my new ship not to be ransacked went utterly ignored.
Another time, another day, this would have aggrieved me to the point of forcing me to repeat myself. Itself a scandalous notion.
Instead, all vast amounts of my genius mind was being stretched to the limits of human endeavour by the presence of my older sister. Such was my confusion, that I almost forgot to disparage the table spread prepared by the Golden Pigeon.
Almost.
Florella and I sat together by the end of a long table set for at least a hundred guests.
Its red linen was weighed down by silver trays and platters laden with … grapes, yes, I could identify the grapes.
Evidently, Florella could as well, hence why it was the only thing she was eating.
“I was abducted while picking flowers,” she explained as she popped one in her mouth. “A frightening ordeal. I can barely remember the circumstances.”
I covered my mouth in horror.
Even though it was clear these grapes were at least a day past their prime, she still consumed them! How far had these ruffians starved my dear sister?
“They seized you while you were … picking flowers?!”
“Yes. A group of 30 pirates abducted me while I was picking flowers in a meadow.”
“That’s horrifying! Did they harm you?”
“My memories are hazy, but I believe they all bundled on top of me. An unpleasant experience, as was the way they swung me onto that rowing boat.”
“30 pirates bundled on top of you?! That seems highly excessive!”
“It couldn’t be helped. The meadow was very messy. Many of the pirates tripped over twigs, leaves, grass and themselves. Quite a number had a significant amount of injuries from it. I’m confident they came out worse for wear.”
“Even so! … Where were the knights?!”
“The knights … ? Oh, well, I’d wandered off on my own. An error on my part. Truly, I should have been more attentive to my surroundings.”
“You’ve no need to apologise! It is the right of every fair maiden in this kingdom to collect the flowers which grow in our meadows! To be disturbed while you were peacefully minding your own business is unsanctionable!”
My eyes wandered up and down Florella’s face. I was relieved. The warm blush of her cheeks and the softness of her eyes was untouched by the horrors she’d faced.
And then–I saw her hands.
“Y-Your knuckles!”
“Hmm?”
“They’re a highly concerning shade of red! Did you scrape your hands while being tossed about on rowing boats and ships filled with unidentifiable food?!”
Florella blinked down at her knuckles.
Then, she looked up and nodded.
“Yes. It was awful.”
I almost fainted.
“You … You did well to survive their callous treatment! Your time as the prisoner of these knaves must have been utterly terrifying.”
“Well, the one with the golden armour certainly did indulge me with his speeches. That was a form of terrifying. Quite the strange one. I believe he wished to form his own democracy. Can you believe it?”
I shuddered, because I could.
Anyone who used red as a tablecloth was mad enough to do anything.
“... Speaking of whom, where is he? I can’t help but notice that his guests and crew appear to be looting his ship.”
My smile twitched.
Clearly, I could not explain to my gentle sister that the language of diplomacy I used was quite a few shades different to the ones adopted at the tables she usually sat at. I rarely, and by rarely I meant never, shooed away snivelling commoners with a round of hacking coughs. I did it with a flick of Starlight Grace.
Why, if Florella knew I dealt with unseemly individuals by punting them like errant fruit slimes, she’d collapse from shock!
“He, um, took a wrong turn on the way to the restroom.”
“Excuse me?”
“Structural deficiencies combined with a lack of natural lighting makes navigating this ship a safety hazard. In short, he tripped and fell.”
I pointed helpfully at the hole in the wall, past the open doorway.
Florella peered at it, then braved another grape.
“Goodness. That’s a shame. I believe I was close to negotiating his departure from our shores as well.”
“Really?”
“I can be quite persuasive.”
“I, well, I have no doubt. But even so, I’m not certain that was ever a possibility. You should have seen the state of our shores. Holes everywhere.”
“Holes?”
“Digging for treasure, no doubt. The man was unearthing half our kingdom. It’s a wonder there’s any soil left for the peasants to muddy their faces with.”
“Goodness, I had no idea! An even greater shame I missed the opportunity to negotiate his exit, then. He’d become less cautious after I listened to his 117th design choice for drainage canals. He’d started coming within inches of my reach.”
“Your reach?”
“My reach. Of my smile. You know what effect my smile has, yes? Smitten, left, right and centre. This man wouldn’t have stood a chance. Absolutely no jawline to him. He would have collapsed like a deck of cards.”
I could only nod at the confidence displayed by my older sister.
Of course, this was the power of Florella’s famed beauty, matched only by my own!
Such was the charm her aesthetics and kind personality exuded, that any man unprepared would have been struck stone cold by the mere sight of her smile.
“Now, I should really ask before these unseemly people finally realise there’s cutlery to be looted here. What are you doing here, Juliette? Why, this is hardly your bedroom or your orchard. And I don’t see a single attendant picking up after your loose socks, either.”
“I do not leave loose socks behind me!” I said, aghast that I would be betrayed by my own sister. “Please do not infer that I leave my wardrobe trailing behind me! I am not some … risqué mage without any sense of shame!”
“Risqué mage?”
“Yes, her underwear was as black as it was inappropriate.”
“I’m … afraid I don’t quite understand?”
“You don’t need to. The garments were truly scandalous. They also only constitute the beginning of a tale involving guile, diplomacy, and absolutely no destruction of private property. Isn’t that so, Coppelia–?”
I gestured to the side, waiting for my loyal handmaiden to help embellish the story of exclusively peaceful resolutions I had to tell.
Only the sounds of rampant looting nearby greeted me.
I twisted around, as puzzled as I was slightly vexed that she’d swept away her own chance for a good first impression. But no matter!
Whatever critical task she’d set for herself could be used as the basis for a warm second impression instead.
“Selling and trading! Coppelia’s Emporium now open! One antique copper bottomed bathtub with slanted basin! Two rectangular coffee tables with drawers in yew or mahogany finish! A full-length mirror in black gothic décor! Taking crowns or barter in small items only! Hurry while stocks last!”
I spied her figure in the foyer, defending the largest looted pile of ornamental tableware, portraits and gilded furnishings like a dragon upon its hoard.
She issued a hissing warning as a man attempted to deprive her of a candleholder.
The source of the angry cat noises, I now realised, was her.
“My loyal handmaiden appears to be absent,” I said, turning to my sister. “No doubt she’s busy ensuring the worst of the pirates are being suitably handled. As a clockwork doll, she is as tireless in her endeavours as we are with ours.”
Florella attempted to peer past me.
I leaned to the side, casually blocking the view of Coppelia offloading her ill-gotten gains. Blatant profiteering. Highly inappropriate.
I would be demanding a percentage of the earnings later.
“A clockwork doll? Goodness, Clarise will be delighted to know you’ve attained one as your handmaiden!”
“Mine, yes. And not hers. I shall have to remind her about that when she speaks about doing something unseemly.”
Florella raised a hand to her mouth and giggled.
It was no laughing matter. I’d once peeked into Clarise’s workshop. I’d allow Coppelia to venture to the bottom of the abyss before spending 5 minutes in that place.
“That aside, Juliette, you haven’t quite answered the question … just what in goodness are you doing here? Did Mother force you outside?”
“Excuse me! I’m here of my own volition, representing the dignity of our family!”
I gave a small cough and smiled, ready to disclose my noble quest to see us avoid poverty at all costs. And yes, maybe raise the kingdom from the threat of civil unrest in the process.
“I–”
BWROOOOOOMM!!
The words had barely begun to leave my lips before a sound like a divine thunderclap reverberated throughout the air.
The entire ship shook, the world crashing down around me as a spectacle of unpalatable food was tossed aside by the sudden lurching.
My gratitude was short-lived.
Because the world crashing down around me also involved the chandelier falling above my head–and also Florella’s.
“F-Florella!”
I shot up from my seat, mouth widening in horror as a chandelier now joined the short, but highly ignominious list of objects which had tried to murder me by falling.
And now this one tried to murder two!
The indignity! Unless it was a chandelier dribbling with red diamonds, it was only worth the cost of a countess, maximum!
I stood up, Starlight Grace sweeping from my side to protect my terrified sister … who for some reason had raised her fists … ?!
“I call diiiibs!”
Only for us both to be upstaged by a leaping clockwork doll.
Her arms wrapping around the chandelier, she tackled the falling object, sending both it and herself crashing into a corner to a skittering of glass in every direction.
It failed to faze her spirit.
Rising with the freshly procured chandelier beneath one arm, she brushed at her skirt, then introduced herself to my sister at last.
“Hi there~” she said cheerfully. “Are you interested in a coffee table? I can’t shift the last one. It’s a nice yew.”
I witnessed Florella pretending to give it a moment’s thought.
The answer was no, of course. Yew fit the Royal Villa as much as a hole in this ship’s hull did.
BWROOOOOOMM!!
And now there were two.
A resounding blast shook the red linen off the tables. That was no loss. But the second gap in the wall was deeply irksome.
This was my new ship. And each hole meant listening to more sobs as the peasants worked to repair it.
I blinked as the dust and debris settled, flicking away the worst of it with my sword. Behind me, panicked shouts filled the air as a stampede of feet signalled the end of the ransacking.
I paid them little attention.
Instead, all my focus was on the sight of the other ship now blocking the sea entrance into the cove we were in.
I looked out into the darkness.
There, beneath sails gleaming under the moonlight, were rows of large silhouettes stationed behind a row of cannons. Each of them aimed towards us.
And standing fearlessly on the edge of his ship was an ogre with a particularly tubby cat upon his shoulder … and also a drooling mermaid by his side.
Hmmmmm.
I should probably try to fix that, shouldn’t I?
“A fine evening,” said Captain Talrik, his voice easily carrying through the night air. “I see you’ve accomplished your task. Excellently done. My friends at the Smugglers Guild told no lie. You truly are quite fearsome.”
He made a flicking gesture towards his crew. He was answered by the sound of a dozen cannons creaking into place. And then even more, as additional hatches opened up all across the hull.
In moments, two rows of black barrels glinted even in the darkness.
I turned to my sister.
“To answer your question, I’m here to fulfil the most basic task of royalty.”
“... Having children?”
“W-What? No, I mean contending with betrayal.”
“Oh, I see.” Florella thought for a moment. “Hmm. I’d say my answer is still correct. Propagating the royal line and ensuring succession is our most basic task. That takes precedence above all.”
I looked at her in shock.
A-Amazing! My sister, the 1st Princess … why, her concerns were so starkly different to others! Even myself! She was so mature! So regal!
That’s why, I had to defend her!
As long as she had children … I didn’t need to!!
“Incidentally, I heard from Mother that you were due a meeting with Duke Hallingsey’s son.”
Hmm?
“You know the one. The boy with the endless fascination with bird statues. Well, all I’ll say is that it takes quite a bit of crowns to commission so many pigeon busts.”
Hmmmmmmmmm?
“I know this isn’t exactly what you wish to hear. But it really isn’t so terrible a match. The Hallingseys have always been loyal. And wealthy. Incredibly so. Why, their investments in deferred variable annuities are only beginning to make dividends. Marriage isn’t a bad thought.”
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?!?!
“In fact, were you not supposed to–Juliette?”
Starlight Grace in hand, I rapidly marched towards the hole in the wall, facing the wall of cannons.
This profound sense of existential danger … I recognised it!
It was the same feeling of impending doom I felt the night I left the Royal Villa!
I’ve … I’ve been slacking!
For the sake of protecting my current lifestyle, I needed to secure my kingdom’s finances! And I had to do it yesterday!
I had to fill up the Royal Treasury with so many riches that it overflowed! I had to drown our tax inspectors in gemstones, coins and rusty swords until their cries could not reach my mother’s ears! I had to guarantee such a stupendous amount of income that it didn’t matter if I only lazed in bed, rolled around in the grass or filled the corridors with my masterful paintings! I had to become excess to needs!
These pirates would not be delaying my schedule!
Behold! The wrath of a princess with tasks to accomplish and absolutely zero qualms with how they were done!
“Captain Talrik,” I responded, Starlight Grace warm in my hand. “My, what a surprise to meet you again so–”
The ogre held up his hand.
“Hold on.”
I blinked, momentarily stunned that anyone had the gall to interrupt me before I even said something remotely gloating.
“Excuse me?”
“Before we exchange pleasantries and threats, did you find someone for Roxelle?”
“Who?”
“My ex-wife.”
He pointed at the mermaid beside him.
I noted again the line of drool dribbling down her chin, then let out a deep sigh.
“... Coppelia, could you please bring me the mermaid?”
Comments
Kyfe
Am I going to get my hurricane and/or fleet swept away in dramatic fashion?! Also, it would be hilarious if Juliette simply tosses the mermaid into the water after Copellia retrieves her, saying, "The other mermaids can help her. The Kraken beneath us will protect her until then."
The Magician
Right, I forgot he had asked Juliette to find a healer to snap Rochelle out of her daze. I assume the 1st Princess can perform said healing effortlessly; with her fist.
