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Chapter 120: Room Service
🕑 Added 2023-07-05 00:20:21 +0000 UTCI frowned as I was presented with the latest eyesore my precious memories were tasked with forgetting.
Everything.
Despite the elevation of this particular district, this caricature of a town failed to rise above the odour of poverty which pervaded the entire rock.
Here in the … Admiral’s Quarter, even this richly named plot of land failed to pass as a sewer in our royal capital. And almost all of it was attributed to the paintwork.
“Blackened walls, blackened windows, blackened chimneys,” I said, casting my gaze around. “Like a countryside baron’s dreams of their own empire come to life.”
Coppelia’s eyes were only for the gulls circling above.
“They can’t be all bad,” she replied, joining me in shielding my hair in the event of stray pellets. “Some of them want to just relax and enjoy the easy life of lower ranked nobility with money and no responsibilities, right?”
“So you would think. Alas, just as dragons seek to further their hoard with riches they could never spend, so too do nobility aspire to heights they could never hope to manage. The meek barons you see commanding sheep do not stop at dreaming of their flock. They would turn my fair kingdom into a vast empire covered in the smoke of war if they could.”
“Oh, okay. What about you?”
“Myself?”
“Mmh~ I mean, you’re a princess, so you must have some pretty big plans for this tiny kingdo–”
“Ahem!”
“This tiny kingdo–”
“Ahem!!”
“... This wondrous realm filled with joy, prosperity and cuddles.”
I placed my hand atop my chest and smiled.
“Ohohoho … of course I do. Why, I intend for us to win the International Floral Design Tournament.”
“Eh?”
“Truly now, Coppelia, who do you take me for? I’m a simple princess, not some empress with designs to be betrayed by my rightmost general in my hour of triumph. So long as I have my orchard, my bedroom, and my unlimited personal funds, I see little reason why I would jeopardise it for inconsequential gains.”
Yes!
As a paragon of peace, I encouraged all realms to participate in the spirit of togetherness and other disgusting … ly cherished things like that!
… And it had little to do with the fact that conquering the world sounded both rather difficult and also an incredible hassle!
Coppelia giggled, her hands innocently behind her back as she beamed.
“Mmmmmh … I’m pretty sure the rest of the world will sigh in relief at that.”
“R-Really now! Just because my aspirations are humble doesn’t mean you should tease.”
She glanced away, her curious smile aimed towards our surroundings.
“Ahaha~ you’re right … my bad.”
I let out a small sigh, my puff of ire instantly lost to the bleak surroundings.
The paved roads the captain had boasted of were simply lines of pebbles no servant had bothered to dust away, while the orchards consisted of drooping lemon trees so sad that even with my expert knowledge, I’d believed them to be the withered husks of some dead things left to rot.
The only redeeming point was that unlike the docks below, no barmaids fought for my attention like the gulls squawking for scraps.
Likely, I imagined, since there was little competition to be had.
Coming to a halt, I regarded the most viable structure here for toppling over and murdering commercial rivals–something it may very well have already achieved.
“Gravestones,” I said, leaning in to read the nearest face. It was blank. “What is the meaning behind this? A ritualistic warning by these pirate tribesmen?”
Coppelia glanced over the veritable cemetery that stood before the lighthouse’s door. Her interested expression made me reconsider any sombre events her handmaiden duties may have taken her.
“Actually, I think it’s to commemorate the ships which ran aground while following the lighthouse.”
“This is quite the number of graves.”
“Eh, just a drop in a bucket. Most of them don’t get a fancy tombstone. These are the lucky ones. You know, of the unlucky ones.”
I wrinkled my nose.
When the guildmaster had said I wouldn’t miss the lighthouse, my reasonable assumption was that it was in regards to its towering height and bright lantern.
I now suspected she meant something else.
“Quite the ominous welcome, isn’t it?” I noted, stretching my neck as I looked up. “If I was at all superstitious, I’d almost contemplate turning around.”
Daring to stretch three floors high, this quaint lighthouse was already visibly quaking in the modest breeze, while its roof was home to a single nesting demon harpy. There was a chance the writer within would be murdered each night and fed to newborn chicks or simply buried underneath rubble.
Indeed … here was a fitting lair for a woman peddling falsehoods for a living!
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, sweeping past the gravestones. “The commoner hiding within is in possession of dangerous manuscripts which shape popular opinion on princesses! … And also a magical artifact that I didn’t forget about!”
“Okie~ but just so you know, I don’t think The Ashen Maiden’s Journey is as popular as you think it is.”
“Excuse me?”
“It kind of came and went. Even with my clockwork memory, I can barely remember it. There are a looooot of stories about princesses. Even cogs can’t keep track.”
“Precisely. There are plenty of stories about princesses. And all of them are expected to toe the line. Our job is to be both abducted from and taken to towers. Not making friends with peasants.”
“You guys really love being kidnapped, huh?”
“It’s a rite of passage. I expect it’ll occur to me before long. I’m due to be carried away in the dead of night.”
“Don’t suppose you could just lock your windows instead?”
“And invite humiliation? I would never be able to look another princess in the eye.”
Coppelia giggled.
Meanwhile I shook at the lighthouse’s door handle. It opened–just. The weight was absurd. A door to halt any dragon fated to abduct me. My future handmaiden leaned past and held it open for me.
“You know, when you talk about crazy princess things, I can never tell when you’re being serious or not.”
I gave her a raised eyebrow as my answer.
Then, with a flick of my hair, I ventured into the lighthouse–drawing Starlight Grace as I did so.
Unlit torches ringed the staircase immediately to my side. Were it not for my sword, darkness would have joined the din of my footsteps as all other sounds were erased.
Clearly, guests were rare in this lighthouse hotel.
Even so, it was more akin to a hermit’s cave than a source of guiding light. Hardly fit for a renowned writer. The more I climbed, the less I understood why anyone with the means to reside anywhere else would choose a derelict lighthouse as their abode.
“Soooooo … do you have anything to negotiate for a shiny new artifact?” asked Coppelia, as even her cheerful voice was muffled by the close stonework.
“Of course I do. I have my mercy.”
“Oh, okay. How much is that worth if you take it to the market?”
“The same as all my gifts. Enough that all the stallkeepers would offer everything in gratitude just for the sight of it.”
“Wow, really? In that case, how come we still need to pay for our croissants and stuff?”
H-Hmm?
Did Coppelia say something?
My, how strange that she’d suddenly stop speaking! But I suppose that was the effect this narrow lighthouse was having on our voices. Every sound was being dampened.
Well, every sound except the highly misplaced giggling behind me.
“Uuuuughghhhghhhhhh ……”
And perhaps also the groaning of a creature in the darkness.
I immediately paused, my sword stretched as I sought to illuminate as much of the steps ahead as I could.
“Coppelia, please tell me you also heard that.”
“I hear a lot of things right now. All of them seagulls. Seriously, being me is usually great. But right now? Don’t be me.”
“My condolences. But as for the other sound …”
“Oh, the ghoul noise? Yep, I heard that too.”
I pursed my lips as I studied the shadows ahead.
Ghoul?
There were gravestones outside. Could the undead be present within this lighthouse?
Ugh. Always the things I didn’t need. Yesterday it was lost cats. Today it was necromantically raised abominations. What would tomorrow bring? A macaron with almond flour substituted with coconut flour?
I shuddered–just before I boldly continued.
The more time I spent saving my kingdom, the longer I had to consider these terrible scenarios. This had to end!
“Uuuggghhhgghghhhhhh ……”
I frowned as I climbed the stairwell, ensuring that Starlight Grace’s light would burn any undead monstrosity well before its keen blade would be required.
Soon, all I faced was a motley wooden door at the end of the steps.
Behind it was undoubtedly the chamber where the occupant of the lighthouse resided. Or perhaps what remained of them.
“Uuuggghhhhghhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhh ……”
A feeble groan washed over me, the deathliness stinging my ears, as though whatever wretched creature it belonged to had long perished from life.
What awaited, I had little idea. But it did not matter.
Because I, Juliette Contzen, 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea feared nothing!
Nothing except, well, perhaps doors. And people hiding behind doors. But that's okay! Because Roland wasn't here. He was in the royal capital, and that meant the door in front of me couldn't—
“Boo~”
“Hiee?!?!”
A pair of hands squeezed my waist.
I spun around, Starlight Grace dazzling in my hand as I bore my wrath down on the clockwork doll of my nightmares.
For her part, she merely giggled like the knave she was, all the while waving her hands in surrender.
“Ahaha! Sorry, my bad. I couldn't resist~”
“You will resist! This is not the first time! It will be the last! Do not do that! Should the urge to commit treason against me ever occur again, I vow my dislodged spirit will haunt you until the ends of time!”
“Understood~”
Honestly!
Of all the forms of treason there were, this girl was striving to achieve the worst of them!
The absolute indignity! Here I was, trying to contemplate how best to approach a hidden ghoul while I’m being harassed by my own handmaiden!
“Uuuggghhhhghghhh …”
Why, even the creature agreed!
“We should strike swiftly,” I said. “Whatever waits appears to be close to the door. We may be able to destroy it without allowing a chance to respond.”
“I mean, I already figured we’d be attacking without warning. Underhanded is sort of our thing.”
“The word is not underhanded, Coppelia. It is pragmatic. Besides, there’s no such thing as underhanded with me. As a princess, every action taken to defend me is chivalric by nature.”
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to use that one. You know, after I kick down this door on whatever’s behind it. I am kicking it down, right?”
I let out a quiet groan.
Frankly, I had no wish to keep defaulting to breaking down doors. But necessity was always the mother of getting things done.
I pressed my back to the wall.
Coppelia wasted no time in taking up the reins. She squeezed past me and raised her leg high. There was no room for a spinning kick. But technique wasn’t required.
Merely a passion for property damage.
“[Coppelia Kick]!”
The wooden door propelled inwards, a resounding crack filling the air as the door flew across a chamber encompassing the full circumference of the lighthouse.
No … more than a chamber.
A bedroom.
And the undead ghoul occupying it wasn’t actually undead … even if her skin seemed slightly ghoulish.
It was unmistakably a girl.
A girl with deep shadows under her eyes and a deeply pale complexion starved of sunlight and hope, yes, but a girl nonetheless. And quite well dressed, too.
Exceptionally so, actually.
My eyes judged the quality of its fabric and tailorship at once.
Flowing charmeuse that knew not to give into the garishness of gleaming like an oil lantern. A practical dress comfortable enough to wear at both formal and private functions. Vivid, mulberry red to draw away from her tired eyes. And flat silver accents to resemble the wearer’s grey blonde hair.
Raising herself from the desk she’d planted her cheek upon, she glanced at the door now beside her, having narrowly missed her head, then slowly turned to blink at the two visitors in her doorway.
I offered her a nod, then looked at my future handmaiden.
“Coppelia. The door.”
“Okie~”
While humming to herself, Coppelia scooted into the chamber and swept past the open mouthed girl. She picked up the door and carried it back.
A moment later, she lodged it back into the doorway.
And then–
Knock. Knock.
I rapped my knuckles against the door loosely propped against its broken hinges.
“Excuse me for the interruption. May I have a moment of your time?”
A long moment of silence passed.
“I apologise,” came a soft, but polite voice on the other side of the broken wooden frame. “But I’m not seeing visitors at present.”
“This is not a social visit. I’m here regarding crucial rewrites required for your work. And other less important matters as well.”
“... Rewrites? Are you … Are you my new editor?”
“Why, I certainly am!”
A long silence passed. I stuck my ear to the door in puzzlement.
“Very well,” came the soft voice. “Please allow me a moment to change my attire.”
I nodded to the door.
Her dress was indeed fine. But it’d undoubtedly received a few grains of dust and woodchips from the door partially exploding beside her. If she wished to look her finest before speaking to me, then I would gladly permit that courtesy.
Coppelia and I waited, filling the time by studying the cracks in the wall.
After a few minutes had passed, my future handmaiden gave a low whistle.
“Sure taking a while, huh?”
“Quite. But as unexpected visitors, we’re in no position to complain should our host wish to appear less slovenly before us.”
“True, true. By the way, do you hear that fluttering?”
“Fluttering? No, I don’t. What type of fluttering?”
“It sounds like it’s coming from the curtains of a wide open window.”
Coppelia whistled.
I gave it exactly one sigh before I prodded the door slightly open and peered inside.
An empty chamber.
And, ah, a rope leading out of the window?
How nostalgic. I used to do that as well, before I learned to hide my escapades from my tutors by hanging from the windowsill instead. Less evidence.
Coppelia peered over my shoulder.
“Hmmmm~ for our next door, should we try knocking first?”
I studied the debris strewn across the floor, then slowly nodded.
“Let’s try that.”
Comments
The Magician
It's a perfect comedy scene. Any reasonable person would understand the necessity of kicking the door down when ghoulish sounds are coming from it.
Alexey Gladkich
Lol. 1) Break in the room. 2) Realize it wasn't urgent, leave and fix the door. 3) Knock on the door politely. Next level princess etiquette.
