derivativekebab
patreon
Invasion of the Diaper Elves: The Critics
🕑 Added 2021-11-06 21:04:16 +0000 UTC“Look! You can totally see the greasepaint on that one!” said Cindy.
“Yes.” agreed Charlotte in a flat, affectless voice. “Why, one might almost suspect that they hired an actor to portray that zombie, rather than bringing an actual undead monster into the studio.”
“You don't have to be a dick about it.” returned Cindy.
“I really feel that I do. Why can't you just watch a damn movie instead of picking it apart? I get it. You're not scared! Do you want a round of applause or something?” asked Charlotte.
“I just don't like horror movies, and it sucks. Every time somebody wants to watch a scary movie, I get called chicken for not wanting to. And they're all the damn same! Cheesy effects, boring plots, dumbass characters! How is anyone over the age of nine finding this scary?”
Charlotte took a deep breath. “The problem is, you don't empathize with the characters...”
“Oooooohhh pl-eaz...” interrupted Cindy.
“...which is why you don't care about any of them, which is why their deaths and pain don't affect you, which is why you don't feel anything when they're in danger. And you know what?”
Cindy sighed. “No, but I'm sure you'll tell me.”
“The reason you don't empathize with the characters, is because that would be scarrrry. You block everything out because you don't want to feel anything. You don't want to feel vulnerable like that. You're afraid to be afraid.”
“How am I supposed to empathize with the characters when they keep doing things that I would never do? Look, look! She's going to her car when a zombie is right behind her! I wonder if her keys are going to...aaand there they go, right into the puddle.”
“She went for the car because she wants to leave the area quickly. That isn't crazy!” snapped Charlotte.
“She can walk out of the damn area! Look at that slow, stumbling thing! He looks like he can barely stand up. My grandma could get away from him. I'm supposed to be scared by a monster whose weakness is a brisk walking pace?”
“It's supposed to evoke dread! If the monster was running, it would be an action flick. The monster is supposed to slowly creep up, like the inevitability of the grave itself!”
“Well, I'm an hour closer to the grave now, and I'd like to spend my remaining time watching something good.” said Cindy.
“Philistine.”
“Snob.”
“Uh, excuse me?” said a voice neither of them recognized. The two women turned with a start. Hovering in the air beside the couch, dimly visible in the flickering light from Cindy's television, was woman with bright blue eyes and pointed ears. She wore an old-fashioned light blue air hostess' uniform, with a crisply-ironed cap set on her head at a rakish angle. Below the waist, she wore nothing but a thick disposable diaper with a bright blue front panel. Cindy and Charlotte stared at her with wide eyes. She looked back with a slightly embarrassed little smile.
“Sorry to interrupt. I was just looking around for some black licorice, and I couldn't find any.” She rubbed her index together as she spoke.
“Uhh...” said Charlotte helpfully.
“Wha...?” offered Cindy prudently.
“Well, its like this...I can't actually leave until I either get some licorice or...well, its really important that I get some. As in, please tell you have some somewhere.”
“Are you wearing a...” said Charlotte. It wasn't her day her for complete sentences.
“Yes, I am wearing diapers. Big ol' baby pampers. Goo goo, ain't I cute. Black licorice? Anyone?” said the hovering figure. She gave the impression of someone who had already answered this question a few times tonight.
“Oh! Sorry.” said Charlotte.
“No problem. Just part of the whole deal. I'm just a little on edge because this is my first solo assignment. Really need to bring home some licorice tonight, or I'm gonna be a laughingstock.”
“You're...just getting started? Is that why you're wearing a diaper? Is it like a hazing thing?” Asked Cindy. She wasn't sure why the diaper seemed so much odder to her than the pointed ears and the levitation, but it was.
The hovering figure seemed surprised by the idea. “What? Oh no, this is very much a permanent thing. I was one of the lucky ones who had some licorice lying around, so I got offered the chance to leave my big girl panties behind for good. On the whole, it's been a pretty good deal. It's just that we usually have a pretty good haul right after Halloween, so...look, I'm not gonna bore you with a lot of office politics. Point is, do you have some black licorice for me or not?”
Cindy and Charlotte kept looking at each other, then at the strange visitor, then at each other again. Their minds struggled to make sense of what they were seeing and hearing.
The hovering woman sighed. She really disliked the fact that most of her conversations this evening had consisted of little more than gasps of shock. A faint glow spilled out from her diaper and illuminated the face of the two women on the couch.
“You aren't worried about it. It's fine.” she said softly. Charlotte and Cindy visibly relaxed at her words.
A sudden loud noise came from the television. The zombie had just found the last surviving protagonist.
“Oh, I remember this movie! Hey, scooch over.” said the visitor. Without really thinking about it, Cindy and Charlotte made room for her on the couch. She settled down on the far left, with Cindy in the middle. There wasn't much room.
“I guess you two have a lot to talk about then.” muttered Cindy. She sniffed the air as the visitor sat down. Nothing but a light scent of baby powder.
“Cindy thinks she's too good for scary movies.” explained Charlotte.
“Huh? Why's that?” asked the strange diaper-wearing woman, not moving her eyes from the screen.
“They're just lame! I mean, its fine if you like them and all, but they're just way too boring and predictable.”
“I guess, but that's part of what makes them fun!” said the diapered visitor.
“That's what I said! Basically.” said Charlotte.
“I just want to watch a movie and not know exactly what'll happen next every single minute. Is that so much to ask?” said Cindy. On the screen, the protagonist was running the zombie over with a truck. “Hey look! She's gonna get out of the truck to check to see if the zombie is dead, like a dumbass, even though she already knows it's indestructible! Aaaand it wasn't really dead. Imagine...”
“It's supposed to create dramatic tension.” said Charlotte. “The fact that the audience knows its coming when the character doesn't is call 'suspense'.”
“Maybe that was true the first time someone did it, but after that its just a cliché. Wouldn't it be better to have the monster do something original?” asked Cindy.
“Originality is overrated. Some things just work, so they get done again. There's nothing wrong with that.” said Charlotte.
“That's just an excuse. If everyone thought like you, we'd still be watching everything in black and white.” said Cindy.
“I like black and white movies!” snapped Charlotte.
“That only proves my point.”
“This seems like it might get annoying.” said the strange visitor. She was trying to catch the dialogue from the television, but it was hard with so much dialogue from the couch.
“Tell me about it.” said Charlotte, apparently unaware of her own role in the proceedings.
“We could watch something else. This is almost over anyway.” suggested the visitor. “What kind of movie do you like?”
“Nothing!” said Charlotte, turning off the television to illustrate her point. “I asked her to pick something, and she just spent fifteen minutes scrolling through Netflix!”
“Its not my fault they don't have anything good.” said Cindy defensively.
“Ah, I see.” said the visitor. “I think I can actually see a way to a compromise here. Just to confirm, you guys are...absolutely certain that there's no black licorice lying around? Maybe left over from Halloween?”
Cindy eyed her suspiciously. “uh, yah, I'm pretty damn sure. I haven't had any of that in years. Do people actually eat that stuff?”
“Typical.” said Charlotte.
The visitor looked aghast for a second, but then seemed to think better of it and assumed a calm demeanor. “Okay, that's fine, not even mad. Tell you what, I have a lot more houses to hit tonight, so I can't really hang out, but I'll do you a little favor before I leave. I'll put on the best movie ever, just for the two of you.”
Cindy crossed her arms. “Yeah, I kinda have this thing where the more people talk up something, the less I enjoy it.”
“Its call 'hype aversion'.” supplied Charlotte. “Also known as 'being stuck-up'.”
Cindy was far too mature to argue with her friend, so she settled for sticking her tongue out instead.
“Won't be a problem this time.” said the diapered visitor, rising from the couch. “Hey, since its so damn fascinating for you, why don't you two take a good, long look at my diapie butt?”
“Wh...What?” asked Cindy as her eyes locked onto the visitor's padded ass. It swayed rhythmically back and forth. Now that the television was off, it was impossible to miss the fact that it glowed. Charlotte's eyes settled on the glossy plastic as well. She felt her mind settle into a pleasant haze, as though her thoughts were drifting out of her mind and into the thick diaper. The visitor continued to gyrate in the air, twerking in a slow, mesmerizing pattern.
“Stare at my ass. Don't look away. Just keep looking at my big diaper butt.” said the visitor, her voice becoming increasingly soft and breathy. The two women on the couch nodded slightly.
The diapered ass kept swaying dreamily from side to side as the woman in the hostess' uniform softly spoke. “In just a moment, I'm going put a movie on the screen. The best movie in the whole world. You're going to love every minute of it. The characters will feel so real, so vivid. Every emotion, every relationship, every danger they face will feel like it is happening to you, every time. You will watch it over, and over, and over again, and the plot will always feel completely original, totally unpredictable, and utterly compelling.”
They nodded, their eyes half-closed. The visitor began rubbing her padded butt in each of their faces. They never moved an inch to avoid her. Their minds were lost in her mesmerizing backside.
“You will love to watch it. You will want to be reminded of how much you love it at all times. You will want everything you own, and everything you wear to remind you of it. It will give you pure, unfiltered joy every time you see it. Every time you watch it, you will feel all your irony and cynicism melt away, replaced by simple, sincere, child-like wonder. You will feel so lost in the world of beautiful shapes and colors, you won't even notice when you need to use the bathroom. But that is okay. You don't have to use the potty like big-girls anymore, ever.”
Cindy and Charlotte smiled and nodded as the diapered woman spoke to them and ran her ass across their faces over and over. Finally, she touched the television set and imbued it with the finest piece of cinema either of them had ever seen. It absolutely blew them away. They squealed with delight and hugged each other with fear as the story danced across the screen. When it was over, they jumped around the room in delight and decided to watched it again. And again. They only become more excited and more intrigued as the same sequence of images dazzled them again and again. When they finally noticed what they were now wearing, they could only excitedly point to their favorite characters.
When the strange visitor in the air hostess' uniform drifted away into the moonlit night, her two victims didn't even notice her leave. They were much too busy watching "The Care Bears Movie". The care bears adorned the soft fleece footie pajamas they both wore, and several plushy versions of their new favorite characters sat and watched the film with them. As far as they were concerned, they had just discovered the single greatest cinematic achievement the world had ever seen. Over the next few years, they got together to watch it every chance they got. They bought every piece of Care Bears merch they could get their hands on. Blankets, pillows, clothes, backpacks, even lunch boxes. Luckily, their visitor had been kind enough to leave them with a life-time supply of the Care Bears Diapers they both loved so much, piled high in the garage.
