IHaveHidden
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Chapter 81 ( Too kind)
🕑 Added 2024-04-25 03:30:14 +0000 UTC“I know Izumi-san thinks I’m some big bad monster but I am not going to force you to eat your new pet,” I spoke out blandly. Rias looked a little embarrassed at my words but she collected herself rather quickly afterward.
“You did just send a message saying Mochi-chan is delicious so you can’t blame me,” Rias spoke out with another pout on her face. Well, I could certainly see how she could reach that thought with the words I sent.
“That’s not what I meant….but I could see how you got that. Mochi is yours to do with as you please. They are your souvenir so I’m not going to mess around with them.” I spoke out with a small amount of embarrassment. Like I said I did not mean for my message to lead to anything else I was just stating a fact, the dumb rabbit really is that delicious.
I was not going to put that last thought into words as that would just lead to another misunderstanding. Rias looked over at me with the fat rabbit resting in her arms. I was so used to seeing those fuckers running for their lives that seeing one docile was rather confusing.
“Good, Mochi-chan is going to live a long live and no one will be eating them.” She announced as she nuzzled the soft rabbit in her arms. I know that the Ragout Rabbit was technically the weakest monster in the game but it was still a monster. So it should be behaving somewhat aggressively but it seemed content to be treated like a pet.
“Thanks for the gift Prince-san,” Rias uttered quietly after she finished pampering the rabbit. Rias was not looking at me when she said that instead, she was watching the rabbit in her arms with a strange look on her face.
“ Thanks for accommodating Ashley and me back then.” I never really thanked her for backing off back then. I prevented her from traveling to another world for my own purposes back then. Sure I had some logical arguments but I did force the issue in the end. So the least I could do is thank her for accepting my selfish thoughts.
Rias did not look like she was prepared for me to bring this up as she shot me an embarrassed startled look.
“It's not a big deal. Only two people could have gone on that mission and you two were the only real option.” Rias shot out quietly with a bland look on her face. She was downplaying what happened which I was thankful for but it was not needed. I knew how aggressive my moves turned out in the end, I did not need to be coddled.
“Again it does not matter how large the issue was. I should still thank you for giving into my selfish demands.” I spoke out softly. Rias looked over at me with that subdued look on her face as she gauged the seriousness of my words.
“Well, you’re welcome then,” Rias spoke out with a soft smile on her face. She was not prepared for my thanks but that smile told me she appreciated it anyway.
I looked over at her as I thought over something. Should I just leave it at that? There was more to the story behind my actions back than but does she really need to know them? Ashley had even larger issues back then and while she was working through her own issues it was still a work in progress. So hearing Ashley’s reason for being who she was Rias should have a better understanding of her.
Rias was a good friend to have and she was someone who could not help but care for the broken birds. If she knew about Ashley’s story she would have a small amount of care for the broken girl. Even if said girl was a psychopath that was completely fine with murdering….okay so maybe she would not care quite as deeply as I thought with Ashley being who she was.
I suppose leaving Ashley’s side of things out was better in the long haul. Her story was not exactly mine to tell so it would be better if Rias found out about these things on her own. The building blocks of her life were a rather personal thing after all. I may be coming from the perspective of trying to help her but it would still be a breach of trust telling Rias those things.
My own motives were completely fine on the other hand.
“Really thank you Rias-san. I was not exactly in the best place back then and going on the mission was really helpful to me. I really needed the opportunity to run from my issues for a while.’ I spoke out with a grimace on my face. Remembering how I was acting back then was not a good memory. The rage that dyed almost all of my actions and the sheer hurt that ran through my being was heavy. I was lashing out at everyone because I wanted no one to be close to me. It was stupid but no one is perfect and I was certainly not even close to earning that perfection.
“That’s strange to hear. You always struck me as someone who knew what they were doing.” She spoke out with a small amount of concern in her voice. Like I said Rias was someone who cared for the people in front of her. It was just a part of her and it was a good trait to have in a friend. Even if that care would bite her in the ass when someone unruly took advantage of it.
I suppose I belong to the category of people taking advantage of that kindness. I was playing on her sympathy to deepen our relationship.
When she finished speaking I let out a barking laugh. I was many things but being in control was not one of them. The days I spent in a manic haze as my emotions swelled in me could tell you that. The months I spent rejecting any emotions could tell you that. The years of holding on to bitter emotions could tell you that.
She again shot me a concerned look as I continued laughing. The barking laugh that was leaving me was perhaps a worrying sight but I could not help it. The words managed to strike a point that has been dwelling in my thoughts for a long while.
“It’s nice to know that I look like I know what I am doing Rias-san. But the truth is I have no idea what I am doing. When I first joined the Chat Group I was a boy obsessively in love with the only girl who showed me kindness in my fucked up life.” I let out as I ran my hands through my hair. Again I was showing a certain amount of vulnerability but my words were entirely true. The concern in Rias’ eyes grew brighter so I knew I was working in the right direction.
I did feel rather shitty about manipulating the kind girl before me but I wanted to be closer to her. She would make a good friend, one who would stand by you through thick and thin. I wanted someone like that in my life and if I had to say the right words at the right time to get it done than I would do that.
I was being truthful with all of my words so I was not being entirely manipulative. I was just showing off the parts of myself that I knew would strike a chord with her…..that did not sound any better.
“I thought things were going better when I got the Chat Group and they were for a time. I gained people that I could bond with and the power to fulfill many of my dreams. Then my world came crumbling around me right before the mission.” Those were my thoughts and feelings at the time. So I was not lying to her about the circumstances back then.
“What happened?” Rias questioned quietly with a soft understanding look on her face. That look caused me to falter as I took in the genuine care on her face. I gritted my teeth and looked away from her for a moment.
I was the worst. I was spilling my life story to her because I knew that she would resonate with the words I spun before her. I wanted her in my life but was this really the right way to go about it?
I gritted my teeth further as I did not know if it was. Would the relationship that I built on these tactics be real in the way that matters? I wanted her by my side but by doing this could I be happy about her being there? Would these thoughts and feelings not bug me further down the line as the guilt built up?
How else was I supposed to go about this? I was not exactly swimming in the friend department so I did not know how to reach out to others properly. Narcissa, Ashley, hell even Lily were people who reached out to me, not the other way around.
I was being true about myself. These thoughts and feelings that I was sharing were what I was feeling back than. Sure I was sharing these things to bond better but was it really all that bad? I was just hastening the process of bonding by showing the right parts of myself.
I felt myself freeze as the conflicting thoughts ran through my head. Parts of me hated the way I was going about it the other parts thinking it was perfectly fine doing what I was doing.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Rias let out quietly with the same understanding look on her face. She saw the turmoil I was going through and offered me an out. The problem was I wanted to tell her my story if only to get closer to the kind girl before me…. I wished to be a better person, so I could afford to be a bit more honest with this girl.
I would continue my story because I wanted her to know it. It was selfish and the only consolation I could offer to this kind girl was that I too would stand by her through thick and thin. It was the least I could do after worming my way into her good books with such tactics.
I let out a sigh as I reached a conclusion.
“No, I want to tell you. It just feels like I was taking advantage of your kindness Rias-san.” I spoke out softly as I looked at her with an awkward smile on my face. I may be using manipulative tactics but I could at least be honest with her.
Hearing my words she shot me a confused look. She did not understand what my point was and I could not blame her for that. Who would think I was doing all of this to win her over?
“You are too kind for your own good Rias-san. You instantly went into caring for me when I told you what was happening to me. I wanted to get closer to you but going about it this way seemed pretty messed up to me.” I let out quietly with a soft smile on my face. She blushed at my compliment and grew a contemplative look on her face.
“I just finished cutting ties with that girl I was obsessively in love with. I thought I could trust her with my deepest secrets but I could not… It was not really her fault in the end, she was far too kind as well. I put her between a rock and a hard place so I should not have been that broken up about what happened.” I quietly admitted my thoughts. Without those bitter feelings dyeing all of my thoughts I could admit that she had very little options back then. I could still not bring myself to feel for Lily but I could understand why things turned out the way they did. I could even admit the part I played in that dance.
Again Rias had a confused look on her face. I hesitated for a moment but if I was going to tell her these things I was going to tell her everything. I wanted her to stand by my side and I could not have that if she did not really know me. My relationship with Lily taught me if you only trusted the image in your head your relationship was doomed for failure. It was better for everyone to be entirely truthful with each other. Even if that meant showing the worst parts of you.
“You know how I have been taking people’s luck?” I asked quietly breaking the confused look on her face. She nodded with an expectant look on her face.
“ A boy in my school has been my worst enemy for the longest time. He would humiliate me daily, he would drown me in front of the school with everyone laughing and jeering at the sight. He even managed to sick a werewolf on me almost killing me. I hated the boy with everything I had in me. He did all of those things because the girl I was telling you about was my best friend and he did not like me pining after her as he too liked her.” I explained darkly. The full context here was obviously more complicated but that was the jist of my relationship with Potter. I will admit that it was Sirius who sicked Lupin on me but the events that followed had me blaming Potter for the event as well.
He knew that his friend took things way too far when Lupin almost killed me but he kept his silence. He allowed the situation to play out in which he became the big hero and no one knew what awful things his friend just did. I hated Sirius but the way Potter acted afterwards bugged me more.
Confusion bloomed on her face again and she could not really tell how those two topics were related. However, the concern that burned back on her face was a comforting sight.
“After he almost killed me I felt desperate. I wanted something to protect myself from his tyranny. So I did something incredible and a fair bit suicidal. You know how I am able to steal other’s luck? I made that ability, it was something miraculous. Something my world had never seen. I could steal anyone’s luck and have them suffering for it… It passively protected me from anyone with ill will and as you can imagine that boy had a lot of ill will for me.” I ranted out as the memories boiled to the surface. I was showing more of the story than I had before. Even Ashley did not manage to drag all of this out of me.
Rias took in my words and she did not lose the concern on her face. There was something that flashed on her face but it did not affect the concern all that much. Maybe the sudden manic energy that was building off of me was shocking to see.
I took a breath to calm myself as I did not need to completely lose my cool here. That would be a great start to our friendship me losing control and blowing her house up because I went down memory lane.
“He started to suffer. He would trip on anything and everything. He would fall off of staircases, towers, hell he even fell into a lake. Random and often hilarious accidents would follow him wherever he went and I was elated.” I spoke out quietly. Rias shot me a small grin on her face it looked like she was on my side in the conflict. That was good to know even if she did not have the full context. I could only hope that she would feel the same after knowing all the players in this game.
“The girl saw what was happening to the boy and started to get more and more concerned over his suffering,” I spoke out as if I was confessing my sins to a priest. I was a part of the reason that our relationship had broken so explosively. I was better off with this result as our relationship was doomed for failure as it was but I was still not happy about how it played out.
Rias looked over at me with the concern still playing across her face. There was also a hint of understanding in her eyes. The picture might not have been complete but enough of the pieces have been presented that she could see what was coming.
Still, she held her silence as I was not done quite yet. Letting go of the distrust that has been haunting me has been therapeutic and I was going to continue speaking of those events. Again it was not the full picture but it was actually incredibly close. I was going to tell Ashley the full story later. She had my love so she should have my trust now.
“She came to me one day, asking me to stop tormenting the boy as he might die at the rate things were going. I hated that concern, she knew how much I hated him. She knew that he tormented me for years and she had the gall to bring his suffering to me. She ignored my own suffering but when it happened to the boy it was suddenly different.” I spoke out bitterly as the moment ran through my mind once more. Again I took a calming breath to relax the hold that was gripping me.
“At least that was my thoughts and feelings at the time.” I let out quietly afterward. When Lily brought up Potter’s suffering it felt like a slap to the face but I could see what it was now. She was worried about Potter dying. As far as she was concerned Potter was a boy who did not deserve death for the things he did. That was a step too far for what was schoolyard bullying.
She was wrong. The things Potter did crossed that line a long time ago and she was just not capable of seeing that. Potter would not show the true cruelty that lay behind his roguish smile if he did that he would lose her. So he never tried anything too extreme with her eyes in view. I was also to blame as well I let my fragile pride hold back the worst events from her. I did not want her to see me as this weak little thing that could not defend himself.
I spent far too long feeling like that at home I did not want my only safe haven treating me the same. It was a foolish thought as it only led to more and more misunderstandings between us. Again trust is so important to building any relationship and I never really trusted her till it was too late.
“You feel differently now?” Rias questioned with curiosity on her face. She was letting me vent before but my idle comment must have had her curious. I gave her a soft smile in return.
“Out of the context of the moment, I could see that she was concerned about the boy dying. Like I said she was too kind for her own good.” I spoke out pointedly as Lily was not the only person I called too kind. Hearing the meaning behind my words Rias’ blushed a storm and refused to make eye contact again. There was another thing crossing her eyes but she moved her gaze away too quickly to get a good read on it.
“I trusted that girl with my life. So I explained that the boy would always suffer as long as he held ill will to me. I thought if she knew that things were doomed she would let it go.” I spoke out softly. I still feel conflicted about that day now that I am thinking about it clearly. I needed to break away from Lily as the state I was in would have only led to worse things if I stood by her side. Yet, I did not want things to end the way they did.
I could have told Lily that things would calm down now. That Potter was not suddenly going to drop dead. That would have been the best route to take but in that moment I was upset. I felt slighted at the notion she would care for Potter so much. I needed to know how far that concern drove the girl I loved even if I did not know it at the time. So I pushed her into a corner leaving her only two options me or him. She picked him and that was the thing that broke me.
I bit my lip as I looked over at Rias. I have been leaving parts and thoughts behind to paint myself in the best light. Was that a regular thing to do or was I crossing another line unknowingly?
“She now knew my most precious secret. I had done something that would have my name written in history and I shared it with a girl that was too kind for her own good.” I let out with a breath as the moment hit a peak.
“Then she chose to be kind,” Rias spoke out quietly with her eyes closed before me. I could tell she knew exactly what came to in the end. She knew the turning point in my relationship with Lily. She knew why I was no longer the Red-Head Obsessed Prince.
I was painting a tragic image but it was not really all that bad in the long haul. It was emotional pain that did not weigh all that heavy. That moment may have been a defining point for me but it was built upon all the suffering I went through in my life. In Rias’ eyes, my pain did not even scratch the top five and that was to be expected.
She did not know all of the things that were a part of my life she only got a glimpse of that one defining moment. The context and tragedy of my life were left in the dark before her. Even if she had the full context I don’t think I could break into the top three. The lives of her peerage were really that bad.
Still, while it may not be the worst thing she had ever heard she still felt for me. The concern on her face was clear to see, the sympathy strumming in her chest was all too familiar. It was not about the amount of pain I went through but that I was in any pain at all.
It was a kindness that you would not expect from anyone who lived and breathed. Then again Rias was a character, not that it mattered her kindness was really enough for me.
“Then she chose to be kind.” I quietly echoed her words back to her confirming her thoughts. She opened her eyes and looked at me with such genuine concern that I felt my heart skip a beat.
“So that happened right before the mission?” She asked with the concern dyeing her words. I nodded with a sarcastic laugh blooming from me.
“She broke me apart. I wanted nothing to do with anyone as far as I was concerned if she could betray my trust then anyone else would do the same. So I lashed out at you guys and that is why I am so sorry about my actions than.” I spoke out seriously finishing off the story I wanted to tell her.
“I guess I could see why you were acting like that. What about Ashley?” She asked again with curiosity on her face again. I let out a small smile at the sight. Now that she knew my story she wanted to know Ashley’s as well. She knew there was something going on with Ashley that was clear for anyone to see.
“That’s not really my story to tell but I hope you can help Ashley eventually open up to you,” I spoke out softly as I watched her. She took my words in and nodded solemnly with determination brewing off of her.
I knew if I asked her to help Ashely open up she would try her very best. She was too kind for her own good after all….
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Again I debated extending it as I felt I could fit Rias opening up as well but I was not sure if you guys would be fine with waiting for three days
Comments
DaoOfPlow
I would say thank you for the chapter but then I’d have to kiss you 👺
Rey Kreuz
Thanks for the chapter
