lugenacht
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Comfort Me, Love Me, Stay
🕑 Added 2020-07-11 22:58:48 +0000 UTCSmall AbbaGio piece I drew to try and get something out of my chest. I know it is not the usual, but I would like to explain the piece and the reason behind it, since it is a personal one, which I dont usually do.
It all began with a conversation with an anti. I shouldn’t have engaged with them in the first place, but I did, and oh well. This person triggered some of my weak points as they twisted my words into implying that I said I didn’t care about children’s safety around arult content. People who know me, know I get triggered by real life sexual abuse, especially csa, and by manipulation/passive-aggressive behavior. So as you might guess, it didn’t sit well with me. I don’t want to make a fuss in public spaces such as twitter and instagram, so I kept it private, but it prompted my anxiety and made me cry quite a bit. The next day I was even more upset as I had a small episode of anxiety attack thinking about dark stuff my brain accuses me of, which happens to me more than I can say. I grew up used to insulting myself mentally, and when someone else does, I feel like they see through whatever fictional mask I put on in public and see the “real”, monster me. That monster me is an invention of my mind, but I can’t believe that it is not entirely true. So I was in this bad state if mind and I could only think of how I would like to not be alone, and my mind started going to my comfort zone, which is AbbaGio. And so I developed this idea.
I wanted to portray a defeated, apathetic Giorno looking for a soothing touch, asking Abbacchio to return his feelings and be there for him. I wanted to express intimacy, fragility, and bonding even in the darkest times. Giorno looks away as he can’t say what he wants out loud, and Abbacchio looks down too, holding him as he understands the need of his physical touch, of being there for Giorno. He is still prideful, but is aware that now it is not the time for that. And so he reaches Giorno’s hand, relaxed and lonely, and starts wrapping his fingers around. Not entirely, since there is still some pride, some wordless shame and doubt, but yet enough to imply he will be with Giorno, he returns his feelings.
This was really hard because I don’t believe, personally, in contemplative pieces. I never knew how to use them to express what I felt and I’d much rather draw something fun, erotic or cheerful which would make me happy, but I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. I don’t excel in sentimental works or composition either, so it was a huge challenge that, on top of it, I decided to take in a very weak mental state.
So, this is as personal as I can get for now. I really like it even though I don’t believe I achieved all that I wanted to express. I hope you like it too!
