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🕑 Added 2024-08-02 07:54:27 +0000 UTCToday, while looking for one of the backstages on the phone, I accidentally got stuck on viewing my phone gallery. Memories of 3-6 months ago. It seems that it was recently, and I have so many pleasant things about that time, despite the fact that that period was not so beautiful, I would say quite depressed, somewhere, of course, with ups and downs, very bright ups and downs... But still, watching it again made me sad. It's strange, I have a beautiful wonderful life now, full of pleasant emotions, and I'm nostalgic for the period when I had a bad time in my life. Maybe I don't have enough emotional swings 😆 ? Maybe im a selfhamer 😆 ?
In addition, I bought train tickets to Kyiv yesterday. I bought it, then I realized that I bought it on the same date that I drove exactly one year ago. Exactly one year ago when I finally returned to Kyiv - with Kali and the things I had acquired. When I found out on the way that my boyfriend died (in fact, he was my ex at that time, because we broke up a week before, but that doesn't change the fact that he was the closest person after my parents)... It's hard. The phone also randomly started showing me memories - and there, as usual in such situations, there are many photos and videos of him and our pre-war life.
I'm definitely calm, I'm definitely living my wonderful life on... But this reminder of the death of a person close to me makes me depressed. Or maybe everything just coincided like that - cycles, hormones, travel. It's strange that all this year, when I remembered him, or accidentally came across a video with him, I just felt warmth and gratitude for him as a person with whom I was probably the 3 most important years of my life (because that time was the most transformational for me). And yesterday I felt longing, as if I was missing something, I started thinking about death, about the meaninglessness of existence, about how cruel the world is. I feel like an overflowing vessel, the impression is that I am overflowing with emotions and feelings, but they do not flow out of me, they are simply tamped down, compacted so that there is room for other emotions. But I'm not okay with this at all. I'm bursting at the seams. I want to become empty.
Comments
Mark Anthony
🫂
Tim Poprdan
When you lose someone that you were extremely close to, you don't ever get over it, not really. Over time, you learn to cope with the loss, learn to live with it, to go on and live your own life. But the sense of loss will always be there, along with the question...what if? Obviously, there is no answer to that question, but it can haunt you. And memories are triggered real easy, even more so with modern technology and 'social media' to constantly remind us of the past! Those emotions you talk about are not meant to leave you, they remain a part of you, deep down in your core. You say, “I'm bursting at the seams. I want to become empty.” It's completely normal to feel that, that's a self-preservation reaction because the emotions triggered by those memories are too hard to deal with. But you *have* been dealing with them, for the past year! And in truth, it has only been 1 year. That's no time in the process of grieving. That you have come this far without losing your sh!t is testament to your inner strength. Be satisfied with that, because that is a huge thing.
Roam
Time is a healer, Julia. Maybe these well known words have a hollow ring for you at this specific time in your life. But time IS a healer. I know it best. You’re a child at heart and a sweet, bright soul, so you’ll see every tragedy turned into a beautiful memory and become a part of your identity. That’s just the way you are😊
Sendrock
The path to your desired state of emotional and spiritual growth will be lit before you, and you will walk along it with lighter and lighter steps as the healing your heart desires takes root and forms the basis of the life you’ve been searching for.
