Joroboros
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[KoJ] Chapter 43: Despair
🕑 Added 2024-10-06 07:31:03 +0000 UTCScia is dead.
There's no denying it any longer, no arguing against fate, no fighting reality, no refusing what's real, no living in a fantasy I so wished was true.
Scia is dead.
The lack of heartbeat in her cold body is nothing if not undeniable proof. Without so much as a breath through her tiny muzzle, I cannot ignore the blatant truth that floats before me; she's gone.
Scia's gone.
Such possibility barely even seems real. It feels like she'll just wake any second, be up and start chirping that lighthearted, excitable sputter she’s done ever since I met her all that time ago. My life has come to revolve around her; she's near all I can think of anymore. And now, she's gone. What am I meant to do without Scia?
Our goal to escape the warped tunnels becomes irrelevant if Scia is not there with me. I may have begun the search alone, but the little bat rapidly became core to my determination. Considering the Magma Ocean and Crippling Depths were more likely than most to have a way beyond, and I’d forgone those paths in order to keep Scia safe. If I can’t escape with Scia, I see no point.
Without Scia… what reason is there to go on?
This is not fair. The world has already taken my home from me, my territory, and forced me to flee everything I know. Now it must take her as well?
I wrap around Scia's motionless body. She's already dead, but I can't help but hold her tight. I know she cannot come back; death does not work that way, and yet I cling to her wilted form, unwilling to let her go. Her soft fur contorts under the touch of my hard scales. With the stump of my tail, I pat her head, her sole remaining ear folding under the motion.
I shouldn’t be this small. With my wound as it is, in addition to the danger of the unknown, it would be wise to stay as large as I can… but doing so prevents me from cradling Scia. If I grow, I cannot hold her close. Even as small as I dare push my body with my wound in the state it is, I desire to shrink further. To reach a size closer to the little bat and make this unreciprocated embrace fulfilling.
I wish for her to return. Her excitement, her enthusiasm for everything she did; I wish to experience it again.
I know I never will. Scia is gone. The life in her eyes has faded from existence. Her body; cold as death. There will be no more enjoyment; that is gone along with her.
I’ve come to learn the feeling of positive emotions, but every single one of them was associated with Scia. Now, those feelings invert. Everything good I’ve felt is now replaced with an onslaught of horrific spikes right through my spine worse than any wound. My initial experiences feel like mere scratches compared to the engulfing agony Scia’s death has wrought.
So many parts of myself strike out, refusing to believe what’s happened. Anger at everything and nothing. Guilt at not protecting her well enough. Hatred at the lynx and all other Titans for causing this. All the invasive compulsions that I was finally coming to accept converge in a complex muddle that leaves me in nothing but a state of despair.
With Scia gone, it will be impossible to ever feel those positive emotions she seemed to ignite within me. I will return to how I was before we met, only so much worse knowing what I will never have again.
I squeeze the tiny bat, not to choke any more life out of her, but simply to hold her close.
I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to enjoy the last moments while she was still beside me. It was all so sudden. One moment, she was happily munching on her snack. The next, the lynx struck, and she was dead.
I wish she could hold me back. While I wrap around her, the sliver of hope that I’m wrong and she wakes up remains. It is foolish, yet the hope is impossible to remove from my mind.
But no movement ever comes. I wish she would; I wish her tiny, little form would just reach up and stretch around my scales… but it never happens.
The corpse within my grip is unbearable to watch. In the past, lifeless bodies were nothing to me; if they were dead, they rarely made a good meal. I never thought of them much beyond that. But now, watching Scia linger while her being had already fled… it was taunting.
In a weak attempt to bring my attention away from the little bat, I focus outward. I have no clue how long I've been falling, but there remains nothing in sight. The abyss is as vast as ever.
The whip of wind is long gone now. Honestly, it is difficult to even tell we are falling any more. It was simple when air resisted us and I could still hear the Titan’s dimming bellows, but now there is nothing observable to reveal our current state. For all I know, there’s nothing left to fall into, and we simply float here.
But eventually, an ever so slight tingle reaches my ears. At first, it’s nothing but an itch. A quiet whisper. A barely audible melody. The tune is fleeting, yet with each heartbeat, it grows louder, until the song floods my body with its ethereal sound.
Soon, it is clear; a melody of fervent highs and harrowing lows. The ballad is simple; only a few notes on repeat, but somehow there is an aspect to them that gives depth beyond any casual listen could reveal. They are the same notes, but every time they reach my ears, they sound different, as if unveiling a different story, a different world, with each rendition.
The song cuts through my core, striking up memories of Scia unbidden. I don’t know whether it is the ethereal nature of the notes themselves, or the sudden realisation that this is the song that Scia would sing that stirs up these thoughts and amplifies my already agonising pain, but I recoil from the noise.
Unfortunately, there is nowhere to hide. Despite its soft start, the sound rapidly amplifies until it is a roar to my ears. It’s obvious we’re falling towards the song by the way it constantly amplifies, but not once does it sound like it comes from below. No, it seems to come from all around us. It permeates the space itself rather than spreading from any single point.
The otherworldly melody sinks in through my scales, through my very muscles and bones. It resounds within me. As it continues to amplify, the noise seems to seep out of my ears and I can suddenly hear it through my being instead. A hymn surpassing any normal sound. Beyond what even the Titans of the Other Side could achieve with volume alone.
I suddenly realise: this song is laden with presence. It doesn’t incite that horrid instinctual terror, but this is the pressure of some impossible being, refined to an extent where it enhances the song and yet leaves those who feel it unaffected by the all-encompassing fear such a massive presence should inflict.
The being this song belongs to is greater than any of the Titans of the Other Side. It seems impossible, but I simply know this as fact. It is only comparable to the phantom Titan.
The soft tones — while not terror inducing — are both soothing and maddening. They want to bring out good memories one moment, then flip and remind me of Scia’s death, reinforcing my despair.
As I fall and hold Scia close, the melody no longer grows stronger, but that doesn’t mean it is any less intense. My spine absorbs the song. My muscles jerk in dance. And my scales sing, as if reflecting the song back into the abyss. It is not painful, rather, unsettling. In the ballad’s embrace, I am to do as it wishes, and yet it passes over us without so much as a care.
For the first time since succumbing to the vastness of the abyss, something breaches the range of my sight. It is nothing impressive, nothing physical, simply a ripple in space. The same ripple I'd seen scorching down on the Graveyard of the Titans. It is far more subtle here; akin to the bugs in the Ōmukade cavern.
As the song continues through my core, the spatial ripple intensifies. I know I’m heading for something. Between the contradictory melody and this new ripple, I must be approaching it fast. Regardless of my speed, I still have no idea how long it will take to reach. I’ve been falling for so long that I can’t be certain, especially when, a sleep ago, I would have said it was impossible to fall for longer than a dozen heartbeats.
So this is my end? I’m obviously falling towards the source of the melody, and I don’t count my chances highly facing whatever being is on the other side of this song.
In a way, it’s fitting; I failed Scia, so maybe I deserve death too. I can join her in existencelessness.
Just when I believe that I'm destined to fall into the waiting maw of a Titan somewhere far below, a pillar breaches my sight. It is far to my side, barely sliding into view, but it is there. The solid, smooth surface extends both far below and above, reaching beyond sight. The pillar stretches towards the origin of ripples. Its long, unbroken surface is identical to the one hidden beneath my old resting spot.
Without a moment's delay, I angle my body towards it. My control over direction is impossibly difficult with how little air resistance there is. Usually, I have little control over my descent, but right now I don’t even have that minimal amount. Regardless, the pillar gets closer with each passing breath.
Finally, with something physical to see, I get a grasp of my speed… and immediately blanch. After a point enters my sight below, it is gone behind me within a breath. I’ve never moved this fast, and yet with such limited control over my descent, the pillar gets closer.
Without distortions to allow me to push off myself, it takes forever, but eventually I reach it. I rush down beside the pillar with immense speed. Snapping Scia in my mouth again, I grow. I need the size; I’m moving too fast and the pillar is too wide to try this with anything but my larger size. Soon, I crash into the shaft and whip my length around it.
I scrape along the pillar. The rapid speed of my body along the motionless pillar leaves my scales grinding and tearing off in my desperate attempt to halt my momentum. The sudden, loud screech of my body straining against the unbreakable material of the pillar mixes with the song still permeating my being, creating a bizarre dissonance.
I jerk to a stop. My body aches something terrible, but it isn’t hard to ignore it; the pain is nothing on my loss.
Strangely enough, I don’t feel the constant pull anymore. While holding myself to the pillar, I reach my head outward over the abyss, and find, to my surprise, that I barely have to put any strength into holding myself up. I simply float there. Gravity is gone.
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I was preparing an interlude chap to go before this one, but got too busy to finish it, so I'm posting this one even though I think it would probably flow a little better the other way around. Not a big deal, regardless.
Comments
Joroboros
I was bawling while writing it.
Metal(Liz)ard🏳️⚧️
It's probably cause im on a come down from a party but fuck i was balling this entire chapter
