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Pants Are Too Tight
🕑 Added 2024-04-06 14:59:49 +0000 UTCThe "Parts Are Too Tight" story, like I said on the show, is not that great of a story. Its one I doubt you will tell anyone about and you will likely forget about it over the next few days, or even hours... But it did happen and I hope it will be greeted with some amusement while also giving you a little peek into the practical life of an actor on set.
On the Vampire Sitcom, my character wears some high end, designer suits. I was fitted for them and they fit really nice. My midsection has slightly expanded since the holidays, and since I've been going back and forth with breaks in between I'm always expecting the pants to be tight, but when I slide them on, they always fit just like I remember them.
This past week we were shooting a scene over multiple days so my suit never changed. The night before the "pants are too tight" story begins, I met up with Zach Woods for a late dinner - Zach, I had learned the night before, was in town to shoot on the very same Vampire sitcom! Now, I had not seen Zach since shortly after our Italian adventure, which was over 2 years ago! We met up and it was so warm and lovely - right off the bat we were back to our old rhythms and bits, walking and laughing down Bay Street.
I had a place in mind that a driver on the show had recommended: Joso's. It's in an area of Toronto called Yorkville, that during the 60s and 70s was Toronto's version of Greenwich Village or Haight Asbury...lined with coffee shops and folks clubs, it's where you might see Gordon Lightfoot or Joni Mitchell if you were lucky. That's all gone now, replaced by a comically polar opposite vibe of high-end fashion stores: Chanel, Balenciaga, Burberry, Rolex... real 5th Avenue trash. Everything from that era is gone, except Joso's. A family-run Croatian seafood restaurant in a converted brownstone. Ruby red carpets and booths, dimly lit and filled with the family's own artwork, the place instantly transports you into a warm nostalgic feeling the moment you walk in.
Joso's staff were moments away from closing up the kitchen, and the host ran back to ask if they could serve us and quickly and mercifully came back to give us the ok.
We took a seat and I ordered a martini - it was that kind of place. Zach is such an easy guy to talk to and we quickly got into deep, serious territory, both talking about our lives since we last spoke, with frank, vulnerable honesty.
The food came and it was delicious - Zach, a vegan had pasta with Ratatouille and I got pasta with shrimp, octopus, and mussels. perfect.
Someone on the staff recognized Zach from The Office and he graciously posed for pictures with a few people. I hope to one day see one of them printed and framed up on their fall of fame.
I walked Zach back to his hotel and we left each other after a warm embrace and a promise to not let so much time pass before we see each other again. What a guy.
The next morning, I arrived at my trailer to find my suit hanging up along with a pair of spandex compression shorts and a t-shirt. Oh yes! I would be performing a stunt today, which would involve me wearing a harness under my suit and the compression shorts and t-shirt were provided to offer me some comfort from the harness straps. I put the spandex compression shorts on over my own underwear. This was funny to me, as the day before Jeremy and I were sitting off-set, waiting to be called to set, where we were doing a bit in which he thought you were supposed to only wear the character's underwear and since none were provided by costumes he was not wearing underwear at all! (in fact, he WAS wearing underwear and we were pretending he wasn't!) I had even taken a picture of the spandex compression shorts to send to the group...
But when I went to button up my pants, I was surprised to find they were barely buttoning. It was suddenly a TIGHT and uncomfortable fit. Was the addition of the spandex compression shorts enough to narrow the gap between the pants and my belly? had I eaten THAT much seafood pasta? Had I been in denial about the fit of these pants? surely they weren't this uncomfortable yesterday!
I proceeded as if all was normal and went to hair and makeup to get dolled up. I was driven down the street to set, shifting and shuffling in my seat, with my testicles having no natural normal place to rest.
I started thinking about this harness situation. The canvas straps would have to somehow find their way through a space between these pants and my body. But where? And HOW???
I got to set, where they had another holding trailer where the stunt man and the costumer Rachel would suit me up with the harness. I pulled my pants down to start the process when I finally admitted to Rachel that these pants were feeling really tight. She frowned and said, "Let me look at them, we can probably let them out in the back a bit... "
She gave them a look on the back tag and exclaimed "These are the wrong pants! These are a size too small!"
Oh joy!! i had not gained 5 to 10 pounds in my midsection overnight! The correct pants were quickly located and I slid them on with great ease and they fit like a glove (or a well-fitted pair of pants)
The stunt was fun and went off without a hitch. Finally, in this world of terrible and depressing news, a happy ending!
Happy to elaborate more this evening during our FIRST GAME NIGHT OF 2024! Attendance, of course, is mandatory. See you then!
Peace and Love, T
Comments
Eric
Re: Pants Are Too Tight Letter to the editor: Long time listener, second time caller. Peace and love to our holy trinity and holy production staff! Office Hours 291 00:51:35 “if you’re pulling off something either is criminal or is secret, to not know, you know; the New York Times isn’t gonna publish something that they don’t know is credible, know, oh, you know, one would assume” I’m sorry, could you help me understand what this guest meant? The smart, conspiracy theorist, white dude sitting on the left. Smart guy; total dude. Please correct if I’m wrong, or if I sound like Milhouse’s dad: to me, it sounds like too much credit to globally influential American, liberal, institutional media. By the way, some conspiracy theorist, eh? Here’s a couple examples — which I’m sure you’re already aware of. 1. misrepresenting indigenous peoples. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/unreserved/challenging-media-stereotypes-of-indigenous-people-1.5358798/new-york-times-article-on-inuit-draws-backlash-for-reliance-on-stereotypes-1.5358801 2. their pro-Israeli anti Palestinian bias. https://www.aljazeera.com/program/the-listening-post/2024/3/2/the-unraveling-of-the-new-york-times-hamas-rape-story Perhaps I misunderstood and taking this the wrong way. If not, shouldn’t we say what it is? Unquestioned common American political, economic rhetoric; which must be challenged. You’ve said it yourself, we’re the white man that should be the one speaking up. Unperturbed Patreon
Eric Bugvilionis
Kmn o klkkk
Eric Bugvilionis
Y
Allison Hopstad
god zach is the best. his new tik tok account really tickles me. underwear seems unnecessary when wearing compression shorts but i’m kind of anti-undies in general tbh
Matt James
Theres something so wonderful about being intrigued and entertained by a pair of pants that I'm so happy to be able experience.
Mars Sanford
Please no one tell Tim that my mandatory attendance is unfortunately competing with the final four. As a Uconn grad, that viewing is also mandatory. Please don't kick me out of the Patreon
ToddUmptious
Partridge in Parenthesis, great name for a band, an album or both.
ToddUmptious
(in fact, he WAS wearing underwear and we were pretending he wasn't!) This is the most Partridge thing I've ever read. #accidentalpartridge fall of fame to you sir <3
Kyle
That had me on the edge of the seat of my pants.
creg
i was about to recommend LBJ’s tailor before it turned out to just be the wrong size
Skyler Butenshon
Haha, what a story Mark!
Bill R Tomison
I need to get back to Toronto and explore. I have friends in a suburb and I tend to just stay and hang with them the last few times I’ve been there.
markdawg
Thank you, Tim. Bydaway cant wait for GAME NIGHT!!!
FerntFernt
Get Mr. Woods on OHL please!
Sarah Reeds
Good to know that restaurant has a vegan option I’ll have to check it out!
JK47
yes!
Frank Hand
Wow I can't wait to hear more
Maslow
Zach was recently on Conan’s podcast. They were so funny together. Would love to see him on the show.
Randy Faucheux
This story has layers (of fabric)
PatC
Gotta tell my friends about this
rainbowdark
Truly an all timer story. You'll be telling this one to your grandchildren.
Scrud
This is hysterical stuff! If the pants were switched, I wonder if someone else on set was having an issue with their pants being TOO LOOSE?? 😂 If so that whole thing would be worthy of a feature length film. Somebody call Apatow babyyy!
asidbrain
This is one of those stories Letterman would ask you to tell every year on his show
David Tenenbaum
President Johnson had a similar problem
Dean
Love these stories especially since I lived in Toronto and know the places you mentioned. I hope you got to see the Rex, Massey Hall and the El Mocombo. Legendary music places. The Silver dollar too!
Brian Rooney
Tim, get back on the Endless Honeymooners. That podcast is so good and your episode is the Tim I crave. (see above diary)
nitecore
Seeing the Patreon notification "Pants Are Too Tight" really brightened my day as I'd forgotten how excited I was to hear about this. Great story, T!
lilula9
basically me for all these entries. glad to know I’m not the only one who viscerally reacts 🤝
lilula9
another great entry for your acting diary ✨. an emoted version of this tonight would be a delight, thanks in advance~ again, looove the show teasers (“designer suits” = wall street bro? 🤩 “stunts” = thrown off a great height?? Maybe Colin threw this fashionable bro deep into despair and off the edge 👀)
Mark Bisi
Great story. I felt like I was there, as if my own pants were too tight! Thank you Tim!
Blizzard Wuffy
This story did not disappoint and was a great small slice of life, thank you Tim.
Josh Rachbach
That was like a scary story for the easily unnerved.
SpongeBob Marley
LOL TOO FUNNY TIM !
Blizzard Wuffy
I just got the email notification for this and said out loud "THE PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT STORY THAT'S RIGHT OH MY GOD!!!". Seriously looking forward to this read.
