thehardtimes posts
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MVP: Hole "Violet"
This week on the podcast we break down Hole's classic video for "Violet." We break down every single thing you need to know, and we also talk about a bunch of things nobody needs to know. But we promise you will enjoy it. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_rfGBwamc
Hard Digest August 20: Early Access Clouds, R.L. Stine, SpaceX, and More
Shitty Cloud Doesn’t Even Look Like an Animal or NothingBy Ben Sobieck MINNEAPOLIS — The appearance of an unremarkable cloud in the sky enraged pedestrians in Uptown, prompting a police response in a part of the city known for its music venues, sources confirmed.“I was in line for a Roadkill Sushi show outside the Apocalypse Room this morning, since the city is condemning it in the afternoon. I accidentally looked up at the sky—I usually ...
Hard Digest August 19: Early Access Genres, Heist Movies, Misogyny, and More
“That Kind of Music Sounds All The Same,” Says Fucking Genius Friend Who Figured Out How Genres WorkBy Stephen Bell UPPER ARLINGTON, Ohio — Local fucking genius music critic Sam Buchman recently made very poignant critiques of all of their friends music tastes after pointing out how music within a certain genre tends to sound the same, according to peers thoroughly impressed by his ineffable insight.“My friends as much as I love them real...
Hard Digest August 18: The IDF, Early Access Limewire, Slipknot, Fiona Apple, and More
Trump Says if Americans In D.C. Don’t Start Cooperating He Will Call in the IDFBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of American law enforcement agencies he will be forced to call in the IDF to restore order, sources confirmed.“We are going to get this city back under control by any means necessary. I’ve order t...
Hard Digest August 17: Early Access Christian Rock, Bluey, and the Tesla Diner
Christian Rock Band Waiting Until Marriage to Write Songs About SexBy Bobby Korec ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed sources.“Due to my religious beliefs, I abstain from composing songs about plowing until I say ‘I do’ or I get writer’s block and can’t think of any other lyrical topics,” said singer Lee Gromm...
Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Cooking, Oasis, Libertarians, and More
Pitchfork Writer Visiting Home Describes Mom’s Dinner as “A Derivative Slog Through White Suburban Mediocrity”By Tim GrahamCOUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins.“As a child who knew no better, I found my mother’s cooking to be adequate,” said McKennitt while downing kimchi in an effort to cleanse her palate. “It was ut...
Hard Digest August 15: Early Access GWAR, Rambo, the Bible, and More
GWAR Roadie Scrambling to Find 236 Gallons of Alien Cum at 8:00 p.m. in Macon, GABy Patrick Coyne MACON, Ga. — Panic-stricken and barely coherent GWAR roadie Miles Giodarno was spotted dashing through the streets of Macon, desperately trying to secure a whopping 236 gallons of alien cum just hours before the band’s show, confirmed sources.“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck,” exclaimed Giodarno through the mostly empty streets of the slee...
Hard Digest August 14: Kennedy Center, Early Access MP3s, Guns, Woodland Creatures, and More
Dancing Coke Can and Billy Bass Among Kennedy Center HonoreesBy Dan Rice WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhinged press conference earlier today.“It’s time we as a nation stop glorifying woke garbage and s...
MVP: The Killers "Mr. Brightside"
This week we break down the video for "Mr. Brightside" by everyone's favorite Mormon rockers the The Killers. So gather up your multiple wives, throw on your weird underwear, and gather around the podcast player to enjoy learning everything you need to know about this classic video.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGdGFtwCNBE&list=RDgGdGFtwCNBE&start_radio=1
Hard Digest August 13: Early Access Scurvy, Bezos, Free Hugs, and More
Scurvy-Ridden Band Plays Extra Shitty in Hopes Someone Throws Fruit on StageBy Ben Sobieck MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for fou...
Hard Digest August 12: Trump, Early Access AIPAC, Bullies, Aging Bands, and More
Trump Calls in National Guard to Get Washington Under Control After Watching YouTube Video of January 6thBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.“This once great city that was built on the world’s ...
Hard Digest August 11: Early Access Danzig, Vince Neil, Dating, and More
Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old LawsuitsBy Brett OlsenLODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chu...
Hard Digest August 9: Early Access Ghost, Losers, and Serial Killers
Experts Warn Education Cuts Could Lead to Even More People Thinking Ghost Is a Metal BandBy Steve Packosky WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more people thinking Ghost is a metal band, sources report.“Education cuts by this administration will cause issues we could not have foreseen,” advised DoE official Shemeca Anderson. “Curre...
Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Shoegaze, the Sleepytime Bear, and More
Dave Mustaine Suggests Starting “Supergroup” With James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert TrujilloBy Steve PackoskyLOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report.“I haven’t heard back from them in three weeks. They must be so excited that they forgot to send confirmation,” said Mustaine. “Our respective bands ar...
Hard Digest August 7: Early Access Earplugs, Government, Ted Cruz, and More
“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered EarplugsBy John DanekMADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving cou...
MVP: Descendents "I'm the One"
Are you curious about the sperm donation process? Then this is the video for you. We break down everything you need to know about "I'm the One" and alternative ways to conceive.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOfvPNaNEMA&list=RDyOfvPNaNEMA&start_radio=1
Hard Digest August 6: Early Access DUIs, The National, Band Shirts, and More
DUI From Two Beers Kind of EmbarrassingBy Sarah CortinaMADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline...
Hard Digest August 5: Early Access Garth Brooks, Rock Bottom, ICE, and More
Man Who Still Thinks Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines Are Different People Worried About Children’s Media LiteracyBy Cody Arbor IOWA CITY, Iowa — Suburban father Tyler Rainey expressed frustration over children’s lack of media literacy, despite firmly believing country singer Garth Brooks and his fictional persona Chris Gaines are different people, confirmed sources.“The fact that these kids believe the lamestream news media or that the eart...
Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Ska, Tool, Babies, and More
Ska Reunion Show Ruined by SkaBy Brett OlsenSAN JOSE, Calif. — Local reunion show for ska band Skattergories was reportedly ruined by all the ska music, confirmed sources who wondered when it was going to finally end.“As a ska fan, I was mortified by all the ska,” said Vinny Smalls, founder of The Skattergordiots fanclub and one-time street team member for the band. “You have to understand—this band was my life, and for the first song o...
Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Black Metal, King Gizzard, and Body Issues
Embarrassing: Black Metal Headliner Plays Song About Satan Even Though Opener Already Did ThatBy Steve Packosky TRENTON, N.J. — Black metal band Kald Syk completely humiliated themselves by playing a song about Satan after opener Speared Side had already covered the same subject matter, sources report.“We decided to add the song ‘Praise for the Goat’ because it embodies all that is evil and impure,” Kald Syk frontman Erik Trondhelm said...
Hard Digest August 2: Early Acces THPS, The Navy, and "Brave Little Toaster"
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa SteamerBy Reuben Blanchard LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s better than Elissa Steamer, confirmed sources.“Initially, Matt wasn’t gonna be a playable character....
Hard Digest August 1: Early Access 3 Doors Down, Ratatouille, ISIS, and More
3 Doors Down Song Played at Baseball Game Somehow Worse Than 12-1 LossBy Steve Packosky DENVER — A devastating 12-1 loss incurred by the Colorado Rockies at the hands of the Milwaukee Brewers was completely overshadowed by the DJ playing the song “Superman” by 3 Doors Down at the start of the 9th inning, sources report.“That was absolutely uncalled for,” said center fielder Brenton Doyle after the game. “I thought getting completely b...
Hard Digest July 31: IDF Soldiers, Early Access Travelling Abroad, Yo Gabba Gabba, Bandcamp, and More
IDF Soldier Terrified For Life After Tiny Baby Gets Enough Food to Survive for Six More HoursBy The Hard Times Staff GAZA CITY — Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hours, sources confirmed.“I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night ever since the food star...
MVP: Franz Ferdinand "Dark of the Matinee"
Take a trip with us to Scotland to talk about Franz Ferdinand's "Dark of the Matinee." Did we accidentally look up the wrong Franz Ferdinand and spend the entire podcast discussing World War I? Listen and find out.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKyG1dRoDlA
Hard Digest July 30: American Eagle, Early Access Missing Kids, Jolene, The Locust, and More
American Eagle Launches New ”Those People Are Just Better at Basketball” Ad CampaignBy Dan RicePITTSBURGH — American Eagle announced a series of ads highlighting how good black people are at playing basketball in an attempt at a major course correction after perceived racist undertones in their “Sydney Sweeney has good jeans” ad campaign, company executives confirmed.“We were mortified when some people perceived the Sydney Sweeney ad ...
Hard Digest July 29: Early Access Incels, South Jersey, Punk Houses, and More
New Government Initiative Invites Incels to Trade In Their Firearms for Bass GuitarsBy Peter Woods WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced a new federally funded program asking the incel community to voluntarily trade in any guns they own for a new bass guitar, confirmed sources.“No group poses more of a threat to other Americans than these angry white guy weiners,” said Deputy Director Anelie Ri...
Hard Digest July 28: Busking, Ankles Monitors, Apple Watches, and More
Busker’s Beautiful Rendition of “Yesterday” Really Brought Down by Nearby Public MasturbatorBy Tim Sheard BUFFALO, N.Y. — A stunning rendition of The Beatles’ 1965 hit “Yesterday” by busker Alan Wentzel was completely overshadowed by an unhoused man masturbating in plain sight several feet away, sources report.“This is the third time this has happened this week. It’s like no one masturbates to the Beatles from the comfort of the...
Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Goths, Jack Black, Work From Home, and More
Metalhead Just Figures It’s Easier To Let His Family Think He’s GothBy Steve Packosky PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.“I’ve totally given up trying to tell my parents, siblings and cousins that being a metalhead is nothing like being goth,” Kingor sigh...
Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Merch Guys, Coffee, and Hooters
Dying Merch Guy Wishes to Be Buried in Transparent Plastic Storage BoxBy Cory CousinsFREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources close to the band confirm.“During your final days you start to contemplate things like where y...
Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Teen Punks, Eagle Scouts, Sleep, and More
Teen Punk Teeters Between “Make the World a Better Place” Punk or “Total Piece of Shit” PunkBy Tim SheardROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.“I’m thinking of going to school for political science to enact real change in this world and...
